[180] Some Agenda

I think regardless of your title, your job position, or your "years of experience," you can still be incompetent. The single most annoying things I'm faced with when trying to launch this green enterprise is how resolved people are to taking too much time and piling on red tape. I don't understand why there are so many barriers to progress. One idea; take a run down, either abandoned or neglected property, and fix it up into a zero energy building where it can both showcase to and teach people what they can do in their homes or businesses. This simple, seemingly reasonable idea involves permits, liability, zoning, petitioning, "pre-planning," and a scavenger hunt for people with the know how and (they say time) Will to do it. Some variant of this process applies to other green goals as well as the dead and gone groups of IU can testify.

I believe the reason this is so complicated is because those in charge allowed themselves to form their policies and regulations from a point of fear and greed. As a consequence, those that want to appeal to this system to push an idea that is even supported by the "informed" and "leaders" of the system must jump the proverbial hoops of people who still fly cereal into their mouths. I'm not saying projects don't need to be monitored and people shouldn't show evidence that the money and time they're getting is going to the right place. I am saying that someone shouldn't feel comfortable telling me it might be after I graduate before I get through all the b/s and get to start that project. This is one of the baseline reasons I am driven to do things better. I think when people 10, 20, or 30 years older than me speak about how naive people my age are, they are speaking to the ineptitude they've encountered, the arbitrary barriers to progress, and the resolve one must develop in order to let go of the majority of their dreams. Keep your advice.

It's sickening how comfortable people are once they've reached the point of "getting by." Good job, your the head, chair, manager of "Insert Important Title" and even you can't do anything but point to someone who may be willing to take more responsibility.  

[178] Life Is So Very Peculiar

Complex. Social. Situations.

If we start with the complex we see hidden prejudices and biases, conflicted feelings, sporadic anger and stress, and a desperate struggle to squeeze as much fun out of the social gathering as possible. You see the most bizarre kinds of friendship. And less we forget the most dramatic levels of irony that punctuate conversations well within earshot of their subject. You aide your friends in their quest for red cheeks, dizziness, and burning throats. It's all harmless enough. I guess I'm just responding to all the stuff I "see," and am fairly certain most everyone else does to, and trying to find a place for it.

Let's take an old cliche; Know who your real friends are. I think its interesting how we build relationships. I place a lot on what you do for people without and beyond their expectations. I'm glad that I think I surround myself with a majority of people who behave just that way, thus their real friend status. The problem comes in when that human...bug, comes in and starts to dig its way into people. Think about what it is people want from others. Companionship, trust, sharing, perhaps most importantly, distraction. We want them to be funny, to listen to us, and regale us with stories from the lives we didn't get to live. You start to hang out with these people for so long that whether you planned on it or not, you develop a rather deep connection with them. Then comes the cohabitation, relationships, and drama. But what exactly happens when you've developed this relationship, or for more ubiquitous use, connection with these people? How and why do things go wrong?

I think first and foremost people think of themselves, and in the pursuit of making themselves happy, their selfishness permeates and predicates all of their actions. The whole idea of relationship or connection rather spits in the face of that idea. I would still argue that my view is the case, and because of a massive denial and misunderstanding of ourselves, thus plays out the tragedy of the complex social situation. Something I frequently hear when it comes to trust building; "I just want you to open up and tell me things about yourself." On its face this seems logical. It's either a massive display or trust, or stupidity, when you share your real self with someone else, but yet we find it going wrong in the majority of cases. Why? My idea is that it is because people don't think enough about themselves in the right way to handle, empathize, or understand someone else. We project our misunderstandings, our insecurities, our depressed or saddened mindset into judgments about how wrong or screwed up someone else is in relation to ourselves. This is not to say that we should be barred from judgments, but the reasons behind those judgments should be honest. It's all well and good to hear about someone else's life and experience, but god forbid they say or do something that so drastically differs from what you could imagine it "offends" you at your core. Is it necessarily them being "bad" or "wrong" or weird, and are you sure that how you respond is necessarily correct and from a position of understanding?

I doubt there is much merit in knowing things like someone else's favorite color or their favorite elementary school teacher, but I would put money on the majority of my friends not having a clue or inclination to ask or care about the what's and who's like that with regards to me. This doesn't bother me, and if you really want to know I'll usually answer. What happens though is that these are the kinds of default conversation pieces that we engage in to develop that shell of "this is who I am" when trying to relate to someone else. Can you really be that baffled why 6 months down the line you've seemingly stumbled across this whole different person that confuses and stresses you out? Of course though, this speaks more to relationships than connections. Quite literally, you could've known everything about that person before you even met them, just by fully appreciating what it means to be human, then working on what it is about that nature that makes you happy. Even more importantly, understanding and having a place and plan for the things that don't.

Let's take the broader connection area. My parties alone have a bunch of friends converging over a table and hookah. Surely there is less drama between members in a cordial game of pong. Enter the hush hush when a that certain someone opens the porch door. Pretend that glance or glare didn't really mean what you know it does. Throw yourself, with the utmost passion, into each ball toss, and dance ever prettily in distraction, because doing so can completely take your mind away from the reason you started drinking in the first place. Now don't get me wrong, we all need a little distraction, and there are all the good feelings that substances can manifest, I just wish things could go deeper. I wish that I was certain everyone could have a good time the majority of the time, and yet I'm hesitant to say this happens as often as I'd like when I see some of the faces as they're leaving. I can only think to myself, as someone surrounded by so many friends, giving, caring, and smart ones at that, how is it possible to keep any sort of sustained negative feelings?

The simple answer is that each person needs to be their own source of happiness first, before they can really get it from anyone else. Moreover, maybe neither the person, nor the ones they can go to, are really equipped in a way to help. Either way, the nature of these connections is still what's in question. A big part of sustaining said connections is masking or hiding your true thoughts or feelings until they become more convenient. Of course, while you harbor these feelings, it becomes that much harder to be your own happiness. It's funny that no matter what someone seems to have to say about someone else, they never want to "hurt" them, all the while utterly hurting themselves.

UGH. The only word my mind keeps going back to is honesty. When I meet someone or form a relationship or connection with them, I first expect them to be stupid. I expect them to be confused, opinionated, immature, or even painfully annoying and different from what I'd like. I expect this because I know it is exactly how some, if not many, people think about me, and yet the world keeps spinning because those are just simple facts about us. I also assume that they can be funny, interesting, and engaging. I know that no matter how many cliches we may experience together, there is still an individual that can only be manifest in that specific person. I celebrate that when I throw my parties. On the surface its repetitive beer pong, plum or melon hookah, and "college kid" behavior. But it remains a complex social situation. I get excited at the potential for deeper conversation and connection. Just the potential mind you, because there are no guarantees the new face I've allowed in has anything to offer but their ass to a couch. I just wish I could offer more. I wish I had that secret or method of talking that would compel people to enjoy the same setting for the same unabated reasons I have. I wish people could trust that no matter what they had to say to someone else the other person could handle it, talk about it, fix it, express it, debate it, or when worse comes to worst know you must simply remove yourself from it.

I'm not totally sure how this reads, but I want to make sure that you know I'm not trying to be a downer or hater on anybody or the parties, I just like to speculate and write. Trust that I genuinely enjoy the people and the atmosphere, hence the parties continue. Amazing pong shots, random and hilarious comments and behavior, put me in the front row. I just want to make sure I've stated on the record that most of your friends at my parties aren't just good for pitching in money or providing new hookah flavors. I would hope that you guys understand I'm more than an open door. I hope everyone is being what they can for each other the 5, 4, or even 3 days a week there isn't a party.   

[163] Almost Posted

I'm going to set some shit straight. Fuck you Jeremy, fuck you Reetz, and fuck you anybody who thinks they know any fucking thing about me, let alone Steev and I. Here's a fun conversation for the grand jury. Given that I'm just a dickface know-it-all cynic, I'll leave it up to you.

powerstonev2: Hey bro, what's up?
spoof529: bad things.
spoof529: nick talked to me
spoof529: about all the reasons why I'm not good enough for steev.
powerstonev2: He's a dick, just so ya know.
spoof529: I know.
spoof529: but I believe him.
spoof529: he's right.
powerstonev2: NOPE, not true.
powerstonev2: Have you read some of his notes on facebook?
spoof529: no. I'm not his friend.
powerstonev2: he's super cynical, thinks everyone is a terrible person but himself.
phillip reetz: spoof529: but still. she let him talk to me, and now she isn't talking to me, she might not be even there...but still.
spoof529: he said a lot of things.
phillip reetz: spoof529: I'm worrying greatly about it. last night she promised me everything will be okay.
spoof529: and now I just don't know....


phillip reetz: powerstonev2: sounds just like his usual dickface self
powerstonev2: realize that he says "people like me and her think a certain way"
powerstonev2: He's talking about people influencing the people they're around, which is true.
powerstonev2: But what he's telling you not to do is what he's done.
powerstonev2: arg
phillip reetz: powerstonev2: He's just super cynical, doesn't think you're a good person. He's telling you all these things as though he knows everything.
powerstonev2: He doesn't, of course.
spoof529: but still, what if that's what she really thinks?
spoof529: I'm not good enough...
powerstonev2: If that's what she really thinks, then that's what Nick told her to think, and you need to convince her otherwise, because it's not true.
spoof529: gah, if only
demonime: spoof529: gah, if only I could talk to her.
powerstonev2: Don't worry too much about it bromide.

My first thought is simply this. I haven't done ANYTHING. I haven't said a single fucking thing to you Jeremy, and I decided to say something to Reetz only after Steev and I talked about it for days. It was your dumb ass friend who openly disrespects her by (1) ditching her in a pizza hut to flirt with some girl he makes sure to inform Steev that he's fooled around with, (2) laying all kinds of pity and guilt trips on her exploiting her nature to want to take care of people (3) and the coup de gras, in my opinion, when he jerks off in her bed while she's laying on the floor. Not to mention all the hand stroking during movies and little gifts. I've been well within my boundaries to beat the ever living fuck out of this kid, but no, I stay civil, try to make things clear and even slightly cordial by talking to him, and what do I get? I get your comments and bullshit as if you have the remotest fucking clue what to say about me. I get you telling me that I tell Steev what to think. I'm a cynic who thinks everyone is a terrible person. I'm glad I now know that there are some people reading my notes who are this fucking stupid and presumptuous. I've had you over to my house, I've refrained from kicking your friends ass, and I haven't said a goddamn thing to or about you to warrant a single utterance from your mouth. So you can take your words and shove them right back up your ass where they came from you fuck.  

[177] Give Up Hope

Friday, April 3, 2009 at 7:02pm 

Give up hope. Hope insinuates that you know something. You don't know anything. No one does. There is no hope for anyone.

I'll try to be as utterly vague as possible about a whole of indiscriminate subjects I've grown ever resolved about that have still given me no reason to believe otherwise. One of those resolutions is that there is something wrong with me. I don't project my problems onto other people. I don't pretend like there's anything someone could do to me that I haven't done to myself. I don't really "hear" what people "mean" when they "say" something. I remain utterly indifferent, removed, non-committal, unconvinced, confused, and cold. Furthermore, I find this "stance" one of the strongest points about me. It's one of, if not the biggest, reason I feel I get anywhere in life or find reason to be happy. This has to mean there is something wrong with me. I want to make sure that this isn't some sort of pity party or "woe-is-me" kind of sentiment. Plainly, logically, factually, and by the accordance of seemingly every "normal" person I meet, I'm different to such a degree that there simply must be something wrong. Have I a clue what this is? Not really, and I've vaguely alluded to sociopathy, but if that were the case it definitely couldn't be as drastic as most sites and books would depict. The biggest thing I'm learning from this "condition" is that if I'm not talking to someone who can behave the same way, take what I say for what I say it, refuse to invest anything in me than what I can provide evidentially, and hold as little trust or faith in me as they can, then I don't feel like I can provide the best of me towards them.

I'll bring up one more problem before I try to explain these further with examples. Say for whatever reason I take your car to the mall, come back, and your pissed off and tell me "don't drive my car to the mall." Great, understood. Don't drive your call to the mall. Aside from this being a messy example because I don't arbitrarily take people's things, let me explain to you how I'm thinking and what I'm asking myself. Who's at the mall that you don't want to see your car? Is the mall too far for your car because it's got some problem with it? Is there some particular aspect of my driving that you know about that your car can't handle? Why did you let me use/drive your car for such and such endeavor in the past? How many times will I have to let you drive my car until it's okay for me to drive your car to the mall again? This all seems a bit cluttered an unnecessary. What I think other people would get from a situation like that is, "it is wrong to take other peoples' cars." I feel like the nature of these questions seems almost too ridiculous with this example, but take something more ambiguous, add more questions, and give me enough time to find it reasonably justifiable for me to distinguish this situation from all others, and this is what happens. It fucks me, and it will continue to fuck me, until I'm in a situation that is "undeniably" clear if that's even possible when you talk about subjectivity.

On the former point, I can provide a relatively simple depiction. "O Nick, your so prone to saying something like that in this situation." My first reaction is to automatically cut that type of behavior or comments when your around. I hate to have assumptions made about me. I hate when people think they even begin to have a clue about me. When they predicate their actions on their assumptions about me, I want to fuck them over. There is a difference, at least with me, between assuming something about someone, and knowing something about them. You assume something about people when you try and take how they behave or react and apply it to a random situation in the future. You know something about them when you both can feel said situation at the same time and on the same level. I hold this so strongly that when I feel myself starting to assume things, I try to fuck myself. And wow do I do a great job of that.

For instance, I assume to varying degrees that when I'm talking about something, I'm relatively correct in what I'm saying. I also assume that while I might not always convey my point how I wanted, especially the first time around, that some amount of talking will either resolve the discrepancy or at least illuminate the biggest points of contrast to be discussed or debated further, later. These are horrendous assumptions. At the end of the day, people are biased to hearing what they want to hear. There is a fundamental distrust in everything, at least in what I, seem to have to say to people or in what they have to say to me. The only way to remedy this is to try and "act" in the exact manner in which I actually believe at any given time. If that means becoming cold and indifferent to something because I overall believe I'd rather be happy, then that's why I'm cold and indifferent. I have, call it a habit, of being unable to give a shit about things that only bring me down, that are filled with unnecessary drama, that almost refuse to simply dignify an ounce of what I'm doing in spite of the easy assumptions.

I guess the hardest thing to swallow seems to be something screaming at me to acknowledge it. You simply can't really understand someone or thing. Because of this, you can't really trust someone or thing. You'll never fully comprehend and you shouldn't expect it, but at the same time you still have to believe you are. And because of your belief, because you can't survive without it, your fundamentally unable to trust or understand, not really, anything about anybody, yet you never should've thought you could to begin with. Please argue with me here because this feels like a mindfuck just trying to type it out.

I'm a person that hurts other people, not necessarily because I want or intend to, but because I've managed to develop the tendencies required that make it logically follow that such should be the case. The only way I don't hurt people is when they show me that it isn't possible. The only way for people not to get hurt is for them to be relatively sociopathic as well or utterly indifferent to me. But as I've stated above, there seems to be something wrong with a human equation that seems to "work" this way. I suppose it is entirely possible that my "on the level" sentiment is just a meager way of depicting individuals so removed from the basic plain of existence that they should therefore be diagnosed. I'm just sick of being the cog in the wheel. Since there's nothing to beat, and I'm incapable of joining, I'm resolved to remove myself.

 Jared Pease at 1:15am April 4

tl;dr. I like your title though, it reminds me of the quote 'Abandon hope all ye who enter here'.

[162] Meager Understanding

This is my umpteenth profession for having lost faith, hope, or reason for humanity. The difference being that I want to practice just how ruthless and heartless I can be in my attempts to cheat, lie, and use people for my own gain. I've done the honesty thing and it's left me on an island. It's left me ranting alone on blogs and circumstances that get me by, but are by no means sustainable. I seek to talk out explicitly why I would venture down such a road so as to show that it is not made in haste and with the naiveté of first love.

I should start with the main reason, which for lack of a litany of better words, must be referred to as love. I am currently, and probably will always be in love. I only say this because I can't help it otherwise. It influences my physiology, how I treat other people, and my thoughts. I've tried, relatively successfully to suppress it, put it out of my mind, and behave as if this were not the case. I am aware that how you behave on the outside is what reflects on the inside, so that is precisely what I did. In the midst of this game within myself, I started dating Steev. Steev not being a retarded and well-rehearsed int he practice of reading people and discerning emotional states brings up those opportunities to be annoyingly honest about oneself and circumstances. This I feel is both a good and bad thing. On the one hand, there is someone out there besides Byron who "gets it" and doesn't need me to fill in too many blanks where her powers have shown to be dead wrong. On the other hand, it completely fucks with my practice of the game. One could call it a bad decision on my part by involving her with this in the first place.

Either way, Steev has helped show me why I can't believe in that mystical, beyond understanding version of love so highly touted amongst the religious and the desperate. She says she loves me, but I don't believe it even remotely touches what I went through with Nikki. It can't. Steev had already adopted this sense of understanding and methodology before she encountered me, she has the built in fail safe and future outlook. I denied myself those faculties because of how immature and all-encompassing I allowed my thoughts to become. Despite my sincere desperation and feelings, I was/am still marginalized, or at least it feels this way, in Nikki's eyes. Despite I'm sure Steev's sincere feelings, I still feel like I marginalize her and she understands that I either don't love, or don't love even remotely in the same way or extent, the way I professed to Nikki.

What this all tells me is that love most compelling comes from your point of most desperation. The more you can make yourself feel bad about yourself or the person your after, the easier and environment for your feelings to manifest and swell. I start with the initial shock of her sleeping on me during bus rides. This opens the door to my thoughts that by some chance in hell this girl I've secretly thought was beyond gorgeous and special might have shown a hint that she likes me back. This pours over into other events and interactions that hint even more. You move into the realm of Internet conversations where one needn't be as shy about what they say. Then more bus rides, more flirting, more conversations, all dragging out for years. All giving me time to feel more and more desperate, turn to religion that gives you even more excuses to look down about yourself. But instead of it making me want to love god, it stokes the coals of the feelings I had for her. All I wanted to do was things to make her happy, ever making myself disappear into the background. And what does that say about that kind of love? That this engagement of what should be the mutual engagement and expression towards each other is now some glorified idol worship where neither side may ever see the true colors of the other?

Another thing even more intriguing are books like The Rules of Seduction and The 48 Laws of Power. The very fact that there are recipes of behavior that can trigger another person to fall for you should speak enough to this point. And looking back, whether she was aware of it or not, the way Nikki and I behaved towards each other was perfect for ensuring that such a fate would befall me.

I don't believe Steev's life was far removed from the pattern of desperation to light at the end of the tunnel either. Family life that pisses her off, immature and retarded boyfriends in the past, and zero opportunity to even talk to someone that exhibited her level of understanding would push her to grasp and love someone who vehemently behaves in revulsion to that. This coupled with a despotic outlook on lie, diminished self-esteem, and nagging reminders of betrayal could make someone like me seem like quite the lovable godsend. When it comes down to it though, Steev isn't the one I have these feelings for. She isn't the one I dreamed about, made myself sick over, and developed this kind of history with. She was the first in line of the girls I thought I'd be able to have a good time with on my new path to change the boredom of last year and, for whatever reason, we're both acting to make it stick. Neither of us is ignorant to those reasons, but I'm not sure we've found any real justification for them.

Dammit, I wanted to talk myself into reasons to cheat, lie, and use, but I've become too entrenched, or better said, good at, being just honest enough to cloak what I'm really doing, and yet still get what I wanted. I get to keep stories straight and practice weaving circles. I suppose there's no reason this can't be used for the secondary purpose of being more comfortable with become disenfranchised by the ideas infused with these feelings. One more go to finally push the whole load over the edge and into the deep end.

Steev's idea to try and hook me up with Nikki is so peculiar to me. If Nikki really liked Donnie, the last thing in the world I would do is try to pawn her off on him "for the sake of her happiness." Of course, I'm not abusive or a psycho so perhaps that's a skewed analogy, but either way. I'd always believe there was something more I could do to repair or cultivate in response to what was lacking. If it had to fail then so be it, but I wouldn't work to diminish my chances. There are generally good and bad reasons that people should be together, and this mere cloak of feelings and dreams does not constitute anything more than feelings or dreams. This theoretical happiness and fulfillment I might get from finally being with her is one thing, but who's to say how long the "magic" would last and whether or not we really have the frameworks for understanding each other? I guess that's the only real question I would want answered. That fleeting chance or try. Meh, if it happens. We can't even really talk, that should be enough to say it would be doomed to fail.

[161] Plausible Deniability

I'm not happy right now. I am happy most of the time. I don't think Steev and I will be able to reach any "fundamental understanding." She takes things out of context, makes associations where none exist, and is, as most women, too emotional for a discussion that can go anywhere. I'm tired of fighting, and am more convinced that the things I like are not balanced against the things I emphatically hate. She said I was just like Nikki. When I've spent my life after my feelings for Nikki developing and learning to fix all the things I saw wrong in how Nikki and I interacted, I can't think of a bigger slap in the face. So this moment we are pretending like we didn't talk and things didn't get heavy. It doesn't matter to her that I've been honest, it doesn't matter to her that I've tried to fix the things she's, after much begrudging to do so, finally told me about. She doesn't appreciate nor understand me, and she doesn't want to. She thinks I am incapable of understanding when I'm wrong. She thinks it is impossible for anything to change, let alone me. She doesn't accept me in the only way I care to be accepted. I don't want a "go through the motions" relationship. I don't want to be around someone for too long because, here she's right, they will get boring and no longer feel like they are worth it. She's willing to lie to me "for my sake." She's willing to leave stones unturned. I don't want to be pitied, excused, or subdued. I don't appreciate someone attacking me out of fear for expressing themselves. She needs to grow the balls in this situation and just break up with me if I'm "not playful enough," "not affectionate enough," or can't figure out "what you do and don't say to your girlfriend." It isn't worth losing a friend for the sake of putting on the facade of a relationship. She told me "I appreciate the time I have" in reference to us. She feels betrayed, used, silenced, and maybe even manipulated by the things I say and how I express myself. It isn't that I can't change. It is that I refuse to change. I outright refuse to dramatically alter why and how I do things when the person I would be doing it for doesn't care or is unable to understand why I do them. The way I live my life works because it leads me to understanding. Whether that understanding always leads to "perfect happiness" or "the best" way of interacting with someone or not, does not make it any less valuable a tool to work with. If I don't understand, I don't even open the door that will lead me to happiness.

She's given up on happiness and wants to get it by subverting me. By trying to "train" me or suppress herself in ways that will "make me happiest" she hopes I'll start behaving in the right ways to translate "yes, I care for you too," "yes, I acknowledge you," and "I love you." She thinks I don't understand love. She thinks I handled what I called love horribly. If love means indulging her on her sycophantic fantasy then I can tell you I don't want it nor think it love. If love means taking down a fact sheet that may or may not coincide with the ebbs and flows of her feelings, then acting according, then it is not what I want nor what I call love. She does not have a grander perspective. When she tries it depresses her and makes her lose hope. Why have a better perspective when you can resort to ridicule? She thinks that because I understand this and speak of this understanding that I am the same as those I empathize with. I can't be someone's happiness when they refuse to acknowledge what about them could possibly make me happy in return. It can't only be me dignifying. When it comes down to it I could never do it in the way that really matters. In the way that can drive a life. In a way that can heal.

If every talk leaves things unsettled, if every comment feels like a punch to the gut, if every action is just a reaction of us trying to play to this notion of happy, then how can even call that friendship, let alone a relationship or love? If she wants to act like she gets it, then she needs to take the good with the bad. She needs to be humble about her understanding, and be open to, at the very fucking least, refraining from shutting off and blotting out a conversation. I can't wake up next to someone who went to bed with a secret that could blow up into a book of accusations by morning. I can't fall into the moment of a kiss with someone who's using it to shut me up. I can't hug someone who only hugs back convincingly enough to finally make it to the door.

Girls don't refrain from making jokes about guy's cock size. When they do refrain, it isn't from some notion of respect for guys despite a seemingly endless wave of belittling and sexist comments towards women. Respect, just like everything else, comes from understanding. You don't respect a guy because you don't understand them. You don't care to understand them because you're too busy sorting them into groups, trying to train them, and pointing out all the reasons they make you lose hope and happiness. Because it is all their fault. Even when I try to take the blame for something I did, it doesn't matter, so why bother saying anything anymore? Why pretend like doing the mature thing matters to her. Why allow myself to look bad when it just gives her another chance to make a caricature of me?

I like her for the things that make her, her. She is pained by the things that make me, me. It doesn't make sense for us to be together. It isn't honest for me to be in a one sided relationship. She allegedly feels for me how I felt for Nikki. I don't buy it. I also don't like how she acts just like I did in letting her feelings allow her to stay on a path that is nothing but heartache. This can be a second example of when I open up, I get nothing but scorn in return. I get ridiculed, misunderstood and am just not getting it. I won't be forced to care and I can't be guilt tripped into feelings. And if it even matters, everyone of her speculative guesses about my past or upbringing were dead wrong, and yet I bet it felt like she was donning some grand revelation upon me. Every time we talk it's like a mini episode of this effect. No, this I can't, don't want, and shouldn't bother to deal with.   

[83] On My Past Blogs

I’m not hundred percent sure I have anything specific to say. I’ve stayed up all night again and have been reading my old blogs. For anyone who says I haven’t thought through faith, believing in god, love, or significance in life a simple “fuck you” is all I have. I can’t tell after reading all that if I am/was a really depressed kid or just really thoughtful. I can be sure that I’m frequently pissed off because of my thinking , hence close to 80 blogs lol. People tend to look back on things like these and reflect on who they were or how misguided or immature they sounded just a couple of years ago. I can’t help but feel like I’m still right there. Granted certain questions regarding god or Christianity are no longer there, but I can still feel how I felt in some long ass digression that pissed me off for even having to write it way back when.

I think I’ve given myself too grand a goal, if there is such a thing. I undermine my own ambitions with ideas that, while relevant and factually correct, effectively demoralize my will. That’s really fucking stupid right? You think something, you want something, go and get it. What good does it do to constantly remind yourself of other “stuff?” Maybe it’s a way to police myself or feel accountable. I think I regard myself as dangerous. Not freak out and hack someone up dangerous obviously, but guy who hacked the government in last Die Hard dangerous. Nothings stopping me from using my information for good or bad. What’s stopping me from regarding my actions as good or bad? What compels me to say, ay back that up, your taking it too far? I think if you felt my level of disdain for this feeling I can once again sympathize with why you believe in a perfect law giver.

I have this overwhelming feeling that’s repulsive to what I, and I’m sure we all, know about humanity or worse ourselves. Yet, it can never be prayed away, forgotten, or denied. It surely serves a purpose; a purpose on the lowest tier of the pyramid no doubt, but it almost goes hand in hand with fucking up the rest of you simultaneously. I’m talking of course about fun. Whatever you find fun is going to twist and your life in some way that aligns you with it. If you widen the definition of fun to stepping outside the sandbox and outside the confines of a good book you realize that the whole world can at any point be made fun of. Not just making jokes about, manifested for your pleasure. You can take any atrocious scene in the world and put it in a stand up act. You can use any character flaw in your fellow man to dupe and scheme a way towards your means. If you can suck it, fuck it, snort it, drink it, shoot it, preach it, or merely think about it, you have a new play thing to have fun with. Just like there are some things you wouldn’t apply those actions to in your own life, there are options of thought you seemingly don’t want. The difference is your head is an open playing field. There are no rules and no accountability.

[176] 'Ole Time Revival

Thursday, March 19, 2009 at 11:42pm

Copied from a blog, contents of which are not what I'm hoping to highlight.


Hannah Norton at 8:37am September 24
This has always been confusing to me as well. The best answer that I can come up with is: we won't completely understand this side of heaven, and that's where trust comes in.

But what I do understand is this: God is a God of Love and a God of Justice. He loves us so much that He's provided a way for everyone to go to heaven. But He also loves us so much that He gives us free will and is not going to impose His on us. So then each person in the world has a choice. We can choose to accept or reject His gift. If we accept it, we have forgiveness and peace with God. If we reject it, we cannot live in the presence of a Holy God because of His justice.

As for sovereignty and predestination. The Bible also says that God is not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance. I think his predestination (or forknowledge) is simply Him knowing before the foundation of the world who would choose Him and who would reject Him. ... Read More

That's whats helped me anyhow

Nick P. at 6:43pm October 5
I would say that hell is a way of "imposing" his will. Believe or burn make a choice? There is no freedom there.

For Hannah's sentence ""God is not willing that any should persih, but that all should come to repentance" is an inherent gap in reasoning for me. If God wills something how can it not happen? If he wills you to repend, your repenting otherwise it wouldn't have its godly power.

Your note centers around a questions thats been asked for thousands of years and the most famous quote is this:

“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?”

Epicurus

Andrew Sackett at 12:03pm March 18
Hey Ben,

God IS all loving and all caring. Regardless of what he does know and what he "chooses not to know", in some theories, he will always be there for those with faith in him. We cant even begin to imagine what he's like or what he will do next. We cannot know how he works and how he sometimes chooses not to work. To waste our lives searching for those questions without answers is complete foolishness.

What we do know is that God is present. Whether you want to try and blame that on coincidence or not, its true. And we also know that the name of Jesus Christ still holds tremendous power after 2000 years. We know that with pure faith in God, comes joy in the purest form. We know that faith in nothing often leads to bitter lonliness in countless people.... Read More

So that being said, stop trying to solve and understand God. Our minds are limited and are not made to understand anything that is unlimited. We cannot understand God, because if we could, He wouldnt be God.

Nick P. at 5:18pm March 18
"We cant even begin to imagine what he's like or what he will do next." "What we do know is that God is present."

You are a liar and you contradict yourself. Please fix this.

"We cannot know how he works and how he sometimes chooses not to work."... Read More

And yet your faith in jesus stemming from the bible, god's rule book, people like yourself tend to claim they "know god' in such a way.

Andrew Sackett at 5:23pm March 18
Please explain the "liar" title and the contradiction, none seems to be present to me. And please explain "people like yourself." You can disagree with me if you'd like, just do it clearly

Ben Cabe at 5:51pm March 18
haha wow I wrote this two years ago -- why the sudden comments? XD

I have partially, due to my own research and studies, acquired knowledge to answer this question and many others -- which I find far more fascinating. XD

Ben Cabe at 6:05pm March 18
...Also, when I wrote this I didn't do a good job of explaining or coming at it from every different angle -- I feel foolish when I read my words of any of my notes on facebook xD

I would write another, but I am going to save it for my book.

Nick P. at 8:49pm March 18
The contradiction: "We can't even begin to imagine what he's like" against "knowing" he is present. Your either lying about our ability to know what he's like, or about knowing that he is present.

I may have overstepped by not asking first if in fact in you believe in the bible and to what degree. Taking for granted you did based on your comment ... Read Moreabout jesus, I cited another example of your inherent contradiction by you trusting and/or knowing something about the god you stated "We can't even begin to imagine what he's like or what he will do next."

Andrew Sackett at 11:42am March 19
knowing that hes there but not knowing what he's like is not a contradiction, it may take a little extra to wrap your mind around it, but still makes perfect sense.

And yes, i believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God, and dont see anything that comes close to logically proving it wrong

Nick P. at 5:50pm March 19
Knowing something about your god would imply that his presence would at the very lease illicit some sort of tangible or describable feeling. To say you begin to imagine what he's like, is to barre yourself from even claiming "he's like a warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach" let alone going farther and using his "un-imaginability" to understand his ... Read Morerange of morally skewed acts in the bible.

I think if you haven't see anything that's come close to proving it wrong your simply lazy. Also, maybe haven't read the creation myths or, and this would be mind-blowing, think there was a global flood. If such is the case I'll state for the record to anybody reading my replies that I will know and appreciate the time I'm potentially wasting on someone who thinks those are logical precepts.

Andrew Sackett at 9:59pm March 19
and what do u believe in, that the world is billions of years old, and even though people have been around for many millions of years, they have failed to evolve to the point of even discovering fire for millions of years into their existence? A little far-fetched, and a bit more requiring in faith than even me believing in God creating the world ... Read Moreand loving us.

And I still dont quite get the explanation to the contradiction. Why is anything but the tangible believable to you? Why can't there be something that is not tangible, or explainable, just there. For example, anxiety is a general feeling that is not seen, and cannot be described and i havent heard one psychologist try and say that it doesnt exist. The psychologists can only see the effects of the anxiety, and yet still believe it. There are countless signs of God's presence here on earth, and to discredit those just because you dont understand the source doesnt make sense to me. The results are blatantly clear.

Nick P. at 11:06pm March 19
LOL, thank you for telling me all I need to know about you with your reply. No, I don't believe humans have been around millions of years, more so about 195,000.

I like how you utterly ignore what I presented to you and resorted to a very obtuse conjecture and attack on what it is I "believe." I don't have to "believe" in the age of the earth. It's a fact. A key word you'd do well to understand is evidence. It takes zero faith to accept a fact.

The fact that you still don't get the contradiction is yet another reason for me not to bother. I can't spell it out for you in any language but English. Try reading slower...?... Read More

Anxiety manifests in people's heart rate, sweat glands, brain activity, body movements, etc. It's isn't some ephemeral idea that' just "there" without evidence or reasons to call it anxiety. I will never understand how someone can tell me something can't be described then literally in the next sentence tell me it has effects.

Nick P. at 11:10pm March 19
Aw heck, for the lulz please tell us the evidence for your god's presence, but only if you tell me they aren't descriptions as well as explain how they are utterly impossible by natural means. :)

Andrew Sackett at 11:12pm March 19
God in his nature cant be described, but you can see his effects everywhere. The world for example. Do you really think such an intricate system of atoms, charges, entropy, cells, organisms, etc. was just there. I think it was a clear design by a being far above our realm of understanding.

Nick P. at 11:21pm March 19
You can't claim that there's a being beyond our understanding because you do indeed have a world which we can in fact understand.

Is it really that illogical to think something can be described in terms of how it effects the world around it? Invisible pink unicorns can't "really" be described in their nature. Why do I bring them up? What do they ... Read Morematter? They don't! And neither do your statements about your god. If invisible pink unicorns make leaves shake on trees, I'm going to think wind is more likely. Hell, maybe they created the earth too! Ya, or it is the intricate and detailed explanations offered by physics, cosmology, and geology.

The world? Really, the world. The giant globe of NATURE you say can't be explained by natural means. Something tells me you know NOTHING about atoms, charges, entropy, cells, organisms, etc. If you did you'd probably feel as bad as I do for you.

Andrew Sackett at 11:32pm March 19
If you knew anything about atoms, charges, entropy, cells, organisms, etc. you would see the beuty of them and the wonderful intricacy of them.

I guess what this really comes down to is whether the world was created, or is just there, and works in a way that is efficient. It just doesnt make sense to me that a world so perfectly designed could ... Read Morenot be designed at all. Who taught the planets and stars to create a gravitational force? Thats a question that splits the two of us apart. I believe, while you can only see whats tangible. But to think that our minds, which are so limited, could explain the universe is a personal choice, and one that causes much conflict between atheists and Christians. If you want to believe that the world was a coincidence, and that we are all here by chance, than go ahead, but im not about to jump on that bandwagon any time soon.

Nick P. at 11:36pm March 19
You are utterly hopeless. I suffer your ignorance.

 Nick P. at 11:43pm March 19

Andrew Sackett at 11:38pm March 19
sounds like a resolution! =)

 Amanda Velasquez at 11:46pm March 19

stop being so cool

 Billy Bowman at 10:42pm March 22

In regards to the anxiety metaphor:
Well maybe God is simply the manifestation of all the effects we see around us in the world, like existence! Perhaps we could even devout ourselves to studying these wondrous intricacies in some vain attempt to better understand God, by studying his effects. There could be priests that would be best educated on...  Read More the various studies of His greatness!

...Or maybe we already do. And instead of God, we call it the universe. And it's effects we call the laws of nature. And they call it's study science. And it's priests we call scientist. And in our vain attempt, we have succeeded in understanding some, and don't claim to know everything. And at this point we realize this young man has just proved our own argument via his anxiety metaphor.

 Byron R. Turner II at 11:53am March 23

Nick, just to let you know I have seen" heaven", had a "religious" experience, and have heared "god "talk to me. I'll talk to you later about that more in detail. What I can tell you here is that it is a incrediable easy thing to manifest and that anyone who truly believes they "know" anything about the Big Sky Daddy is are truly a weak minded individual. Hit me up later and I will tell you what "truth" they are seeing and hearing and knowing.

 Nick P. at 2:19pm March 23

Will do.

And yes Mr. Bowman, just yes.

 David M.L. Jaffe at 8:40am March 24

Sigh... Religious freaks... They should really sit in on some science classes and educate themselves.

[175] Lies, Lies, Everywhere's A Lie

Tuesday, March 17, 2009 at 1:39am

We'd never try to change you on your opinions. "I don't like the thought of people going to hell." Lie to Me. We are wretched horrible people. When Jesus died for me, he took away my sins.

I think I'm writing to hear myself repeat things I've said countless times, and because I'm feeling the exhaustion of watching my religion documentaries, news stories, and lectures. One of the things that will endlessly frustrate me about "religious" people or those that wish to proselytize, is that they do not change. If the foundation to every living thing is adaptation and survival, these people are the most drastic point of disjunction.

Why is this such a problem for me? If I'm going to be perhaps meanly blunt, I think when you preach or make some claim about your god you are a liar, you are lazy, and flatly ignorant. I feel like I lie to myself when I say I can respect someone who makes some unsubstantiated and naive claim about a god or their religion. Now I said I think these people are liars, lazy, and ignorant. If your not downright offended, and even if you are, permit me the time to elaborate.

I'll start backward. Ignorance is at the heart of the human condition, not just the religious. For every answer we get ten more questions. Many times we think a problem has been fixed, new ways come in to fuck things up. I wish to put everyone on the same playing field of ignorance for a simple reason. Some have developed ways of keeping their ignorance in its proper place, and others have decided to live in sheer defiance of it. One of the main difference of character when I'm deciding who I can or can't trust is a simple statement; I don't know. For a species that never wants to be wrong about itself or its claims, when you can swallow your failure to understand and say it loud enough for all to hear, you deserve respect for your honesty. Where this ability becomes important is when it can be applied to our convictions. How does a Gamecube work?: I don't know, isn't as worthy as, Is there a god?: I don't know. There's a simple check to see if your on the path to becoming "less ignorant." Catch yourself saying incorrect things. Acknowledge when your position on something is failing or in complete. Doubt that what you said and what you meant are always the same.

One should think the next logical step would be to get off our lazy ass and go out and learn something. Again, there is a point of disjunction between when an honest person reads and learns something, and when a convicted person reads and "learns" something. Part of the reason people get egos about a particular subject or develop an air of asshole is because they understand what it took to get them so "far" in their knowledge. There is a difference again between just being an asshole with a conviction, and being pompously plump with knowledge. Be advised, that when I talk about laziness, it isn't just your ability to go out and pick up a book or sit through a lecture. You have to endure the mental fight that comes with changing your mind. You have to adopt rules of thought independent of your opinion. Indeed too many apologetics claims to have read all the "new atheist books" and wrote their own books in response. Turning the pages of one of those masterpieces reveals the lazy asshole who only knows how to sling personal attacks and ignore evidence. This screams the underlying tragedy in their character and thought process. They have only "learned" what it is next they have to scream at. They hear the words but don't listen to what they say. I find this inexcusable.

So now onto the biggest one for me. The lying. I'm going to ask you to read really carefully and fully distinguish what and how this goes down. Do I think they are lying about their opinion? Obviously not. Do I think they are trying to be deliberately deceptive in their words and actions? In the everyday person not so much, in the professional proselytizer, it gets more complicated. When I watch a debate or speaker, they all tend to assume the same kind of trend or pattern of speaking and laying out their arguments. What bothers me, is that by no real excuse I can surmise, when I hear an apologetic speech, they tend to pepper in statements analogous to "Oh by the way, Hitler was an atheist." This an obvious lie, but for more important reasons than just getting a factual claim wrong. This is a lie I suppose we can refer to as a compound lie. One that is made worse because it is based on a previous lie or lack of knowledge frequently having nothing to do with the statement in question. I can't tell you how many times someone will rant about "atheism" then just kinda ramble off Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, having done ZERO research or reading about any of them, social psychology, or even the very word atheism.

Apart from these annoying, but easily fixable once unpacked, kinds of factual fuck ups, is the more insidious lie. This is the one I have more "hope" exists because I don't see overwhelming evidence for it. This is the lie to themselves. This is when you hear a perfectly logical analysis, analogy, or statement, know in your "heart of hearts" it does indeed make sense and is a good point, and choose instead to write it off or go on some tangent that has nothing to do with what the person said. These I hate more than anything. If someone can't be honest enough with themselves to relinquish a meager bad fact about their position, what can they even begin to know about themselves as an individual human being? I said above that I have yet to hear any real change in from these people. Hundred year old arguments, word for word recitations, and a desperate attempt to beat their favorite passages over ours and their heads because the longer and louder you say it, the more true it becomes.

Their religion is their supplement for change. If life teaches anything it is that which does not change is bound to perish. People who've "adapted" to remain complacent in thought are allowed to survive under the veil of religion. Tell me why this is acceptable? Tell me what good has come from holding ideas which are obviously wrong for obvious reasons indefinitely. Is it because we just want them to be happy? What a fucking joke of a statement. Retarded people are happy. Psychopathic serial killers find their happiness in an array of styles. I think this ridiculous statement is given by the person who is so unhappy their last result is to try and see it and feel it through someone else. The majority of my friends seem and act happy when they get drunk and party. Do you think I would give one fuck about their happiness if all my shit was puked on, the apartment destroyed, and the cops were at my door? Happiness is a responsibility to yourself and others. It is not just some ephemeral ideal we should strive for beyond all reason.

When you are unable to change something like a view that everyone you meet is filthy and a sinner and deserves to rot in hell for an eternity; a concept our minds aren't able to even fathom, you are a cancer on society. You are destructive. You need to change. Any time you make a divisive comment that isn't predicated on someone's divisive action, you need to change. When you can't let yourself accept information, just pure and simple opinion free information, you need to change. I've been thinking for a while now that the secret to life and everything in it is irony. What kind of sick dramatic irony lets someone exist where styles, gadgets, information, people, and their very own religion can all frequently and endlessly change, but they refuse to. They have bypassed the selection pressure and avoided all competition, albeit through denial, but nonetheless avoided. What kind of joke would a god play by allowing us to become emotionally entrenched with people who are able to hold such despicable ideas about themselves, family, and friends, but still claim to be motivated by love? Why do we indulge them in this fantasy? Why do you want to call such a person friend when they believe you should burn for eternity?

Of course the quick jump is always, "it's not me, it's god" which if I have to rant about please just stop reading my blogs.

Ultimately, I always find myself trying to reconcile the relative fact that nothing will get "better" because people don't recognize what it is about themselves or the world that needs to be fought against. I love the show Lie to Me because it is a simple analogy to what I'm talking about. The underlying message. The real truth. The stuff you may be able to naturally recognize, but still need to study and refine to know how to work with it. I wonder how many people are really capable of seeing things like the ones I call "on the level." More than that I wonder what it would take, or if its even possible, to teach someone how to think that way. I think until you can your not really my friend. Your not someone I can trust, and your definitely not something I respect. But hey, what does my opinion matter anyway?

Written about 3 weeks ago · Comment · LikeUnlike

 You like this.

 Mickey Woods at 1:11am March 18

This is excellent.
I like that you recognize that the natural human tendency to use fundamental opinions as a way to solidify personal beliefs, values and traditions is something that needs to be challenged AND changed.
I think it is very frustrating when so many"pundits" who call themselves leaders, pioneers of a movement (example Ann Coulter) ...  Read Morevoice their opinions loud and proud, successfully gain momentum through fanaticism, and establish a loyal audience but absolutely refuse to obtain facts and do the research necessary to support their opinions.
You're right when you say that it boils down to laziness. We live in a right-here, right-now society that doesn't encourage active and deep thinking unless it can be handed to you immediately or bought somewhere in a store (which by the way, is a direct result of OTHER people working toward a solution, and more than likely in a sweatshop in a third-world country).
Then again, these are all opinions. Does that make me a hypocrite?

 Nick P. at 1:57am March 18

I'm not sure Ann Coulter's cunt level is an opinion so your probably safe from the hypocrite charge.

 Steev Young at 4:46pm March 18

I would like to comment on the last paragraph. You said that until "friends" can see the little things that the people on the level see that they are not really your friends and they are not trustworthy. I would like to say that your logic is flawed. If your friends can see the signs like in Lie to Me. Then they can learn to hide those signs. Which...  Read More would make them less trustworthy.

Whereas your friends that cannot see the signs as in Lie to Me, they don't know what they are so they will show them. Which makes them better to read, and easier to control, and predict. They would be more trustworthy.

 Colin Hampton at 3:54pm March 19

I find that extremely offensive, Steev. To state that you only believe those who are easily manipulated are trustworthy is ridiculous. I would like to think of myself as a very trustworthy person, and I do not believe that I am one of these people that you can read and control. However, I do believe that everyone has some level of predictability.

 Steev Young at 12:08am March 20

I am sorry that you find this offensive. But i trust you because i can read you.... Just because i know how people are feeling doesn't mean that i feel the need to control them. I would have hoped that you would have known that. Again... sorry if this hurts you.

 Billy Bowman at 11:13am March 20

This all makes me smile in amusement.

 Colin Hampton at 6:01pm March 22

Steev, you have an extraordinary ability to read people. However, I do not believe that you have me pinned as well as you might think. And no, I don't think that you feel the need to control me or anyone else. However you did say that you find people that are easily controlled more trustworthy. It would seem to me, that if someone is easily controlled by you, that they would also be easily controlled by others, thus making them less trustworthy due to outside influence.

 Billy Bowman at 7:10pm March 22

I think what Steev means is just that if you can completely predict or completely control someone, you can trust them more easily then someone you can't control or can't predict, for the simple reason of being able to predict or control if/when they will betray you.

 Nick P. at 9:23pm March 22

Let's not get too confused everybody. We're talking about a level of trust that is more than just between acquaintances. This is a trust that doesn't come from reading people or controlling them. It's more of a mutual understanding independently arrived up, but says the same thing. You know its there when your able to "read" that persons actions from then on.

[82] The Longer I Debate (Not Mine)

Submitted by Hambydammit on Sun, 2007-08-19 00:47.

The longer I debate theists, the more I realize they don't have definitions for anything. Consider this sentence:

God is the creator of everything and gives meaning to humanity through the sacrifice of his son to atone for our sins.

God: No definition. He's supernatural, which is literally nothing. He's omni-max, which is self contradictory at least a half dozen different ways.

Everything: Except himself? So it's not everything. So what created god?

Meaning: As you say, meaning assumes intelligence, which assumes god, which is circular, and therefore, meaningless in the logical and philosophical sense.

Sacrifice: How exactly is it a sacrifice to die when death is not death and you have lost nothing? So this sacrifice means something else, but what?

Son: Really? God has a penis? Who did he mate with? So, not really "son." Some other thing that is different, but is called son.

Atone: How does a deity who created everything 'atone' by a 'sacrifice' that isn't really a sacrifice, forgiving people for being the way he made them, and then sending those who don't believe it to eternal punishment. This doesn't fit the word atone in any definition I can find.

Sins: What is a sin? It is what god doesn't want us to do? Or is it things that we can reason to be bad? If we can reason it, then we don't need god to tell us. If we can't reason it, then it is not bad, so why is it a sin?

So, that whole sentence is just riddled with words that don't have a precise meaning!

The whole thing is simply meaningless babble.

[174] So Live Your Life

Sunday, March 8, 2009 at 5:12pm

My third adventure reading up on what it means to be a sociopath has left me with things I need to write down. First and foremost, I think the majority of the self-tests are relatively unreliable and purely contingent on if you can see what answer it is prompting the sociopath for. Also, with a question like "are you sexually promiscuous" I find it hard to believe it says much about the nature of a sociopath if the random sample of questionees were drawn from any group of 18-24 year old males. What intrigues me the most is the amount of things that are so strikingly close to being dead-on, but just miss it relative to me. For example, with regards to empathy, I do enjoy a good stint of just making someone feel bad, granted if they deserve it, and can walk away without a tinge of regret or empathy as the tears well up and the visible body quivers show that the words actually sunk in. I don't personally feel like I'm that intimidating, but I also know that it's when I'm not trying to be that I may be coming off like I am. You must understand, I find these kind of phenomena fascinating. I think what's been written about lying is pretty funny as well. While I hardly think I'm a pathological liar, I don't scoff at what I've gotten away with. It still is a tad nerve racking in the anticipation of all the things that can go wrong, but that only goes so far. They say that time heals all pain; I think this should be reworked into time heals all anxiety.

The concept of this "terrible emptiness" that comes up in an article I read is intriguing for two reasons. One I think it only tells half the story and doesn't encapsulate what is going on in that "terribly empty," at least of "real" feeling person's head. Two, I think there is a bigger collective "terrible emptiness" that stems from more than the particular person's environment, but instead speaks to the bigger social problem. I have a really hard time buying into any sort of specified diagnosis regarding my behavior, simply because I see it reflected in enough people back to me. Sociopaths are allegedly unendingly bored, a symptom I find in almost every college student I've met regardless of how many movies, football games, or homeworks they can pack into their schedule. Your supposed to have this grandiose feeling of entitlement and self worth if you want to fall in line with your fellow sociopaths. Maybe I just try to hang around enterprising people with self-esteem, but practically, life has taught us that you can get as far as your work and connections will take you. Have a tremendous goal so that if you fall short you still accomplish something huge.

Now to go off in a different direction. I try to avoid drama. One thing that has become overwhelmingly apparent is that most drama comes from our social interactions. I, being maddeningly rational, attempt to break down why these social interactions are either a hell or a haven. The people that have always gotten along best with me are the people that know they don't need me to be around in order to be happy. In fact, perhaps more often than not, me not being around allows them to do their own thing the way they like even more so. I believe everything breaks down to the individual. Being secure in yourself, motivated and understood, my trust in you comes from your trust in yourself. Acquiring this level of trust in yourself is a painstaking endeavor. Thus, I am reassured by your tenacity to accept this challenge and put yourself through this process. This is what I trust. It is a drastically different situation than simply having high self esteem or endlessly touting some goal or belief higher than all others.

I need trust. The problem is, people don't feel the need to put themselves through the mental rigors that illicit this trust. There are many a pitfall that enshroud your mind when you start on the road of "dangerous," "pessimistic," or introspective thought. Instead of exploring all of them, I'll just point to what I think is the biggest one; depression. Depression here encapsulates hopelessness, emptiness, no motivation, perhaps anger, inability to resolve problems, and defensiveness. It is easy for smart, or maybe those who've begun this thoughtful process, people to look at the world and see all the obvious reasons for why it is shit. One could go on for days and indeed many works have been written about the human condition alone, let alone its standing with other entities and its environment. Each "new" experience can be written off as just another movie, just another party, meaningless gesture, the logical result of that amount of time spent doing that particular activity resulting in said "skill." I want to argue that this ability to see the future or instantly understand a situation is no reason to be depressed. If anything it should enhance your drive to think that much further and push your predictive powers that much harder.

One of the biggest reasons I hold this view comes from personal experience. While there isn't exactly a one to one ratio of things I've gotten right to things I've gotten wrong, some simple "law" always creeps in to humble me when I try to convince myself of just how right I really am. On the notion that no human has any more or less predictive powers than me, and can feed off the same social information, I think it is reasonable to assume that if your chin is held so high that you've begun to black out in the stratosphere, maybe you should spend a little more time pretending your still genetically equal to the rest of us mere mortals. The greatest thing about being wrong, particularly if it doesn't result in jail time or physical pain, is that you get the opportunity to learn. The people that are so bored or lost in themselves because the world around them is hopeless, need to see the opportunity and accept that we all can stand to grow up. I say that I can understand the depressed thought pattern, and I hope people don't think I'm bullshitting. A big thing that got me out of it is to look at the absurdity of where that leads to. I had to fully realize what that associates me with. You must actively shower scorn upon such thoughts and associations or you will forever be controlled by them.

Well, I don't want this to trail too far away from the how's and what's where this relates to our social interactions. When you find the people that can find it in them to have even a meager enthusiasm for life or happiness after they've undergone the "on-the-level" test, I believe life can lead any and everywhere those people want to take it. When you run into people who are infuriatingly close to said level, you get the ups and downs that come with someone who has yet to keep their emotions in check, but still understands enough about themselves, and you, to draw you into a battle I wish was reserved for the next group of people. The final group of those who hardly ever think, live their life by accident and convenience, move from one conversation about, like, you know, to whatever that's just gay.

So my ultimate rationalist dream is this; a free society of people on the level, or working to get there, who's main focus isn't for "new and exciting" but happily sustainable. I think there is a major fault in our reasoning that says there is somewhere for us to go. Like there is some "human final" that all of our thought and struggle is contributing towards. The difference between suicidal thoughts and a suicidal victim is the conversation you had with yourself leading up to that moment. Should it be filled with "woe is me" testaments and adolescent rationalizations for how the world made you this way? Is it really so appropriate to point the ever stretching finger at all the people who conspired towards your downfall? This is why I tell people who talk about killing themselves to just do it. Logically, if I literally cannot find rhyme nor reason for why I'm here, nobody to provide a hint of evidence showing that I enjoy life or can make an improvement, and nothing standing in any of my relationships or actions that I can be proud of, then that's what I would do.

All of this torments my thoughts. It all contributes to my angst of being in college. Working on ways of fixing what I view as the bigger problems in life, is stifled by the time I waste writing bullshit reports or reading from English speaking authors who still manage to butcher English. I want the group of people who can show everyone else that there is an alternative to the practice begrudgingly referred to simply as life. There no longer has to be this struggle of "us vs them" on these superimposed "levels" I've denoted. I can't imagine that we would even have the word objective if there wasn't a way to measure your happiness against your contribution to yourself and the people around you. I guess I just want everyone to just "be." When you can get there you can understand how and why you should be happy. Then, sustaining and appreciating it will quell or manipulate the boredom, displace the depression, and constantly organize the torrent of thoughts into a ever expanding and changing mental framework you've purposefully chosen to understand the world. When this framework reassuringly surprises you with how similar it compares with other happy, and not merely contented, people, you'll know your doing right.

[81] The Bible Is Bullshit

Conservatively speaking of course, as it turns out the bible is merely astrology. I'm in a wave of never ending fascination when I stumble upon a new piece of humble pie that completely and definitively tears about any notion that the bible is even close to something called god. "The Naked Truth" a documentary made way the hell back at the beginning of the 90's beats the hell out of modern religions. I keep telling people to look at the history, do your homework and you'll finally realize why I sympathize yet called you a completely irrational head case at the same time. I'm gonna make my own parables that help illustrate my point because that's the only thing religious people ever want to listen to.

Covering your head and screaming doesn't make the pain go away.

Someone else is thanking god that you'll never be back when you die.

"Look around with a gaping mouth" is not proof.

To study the bible is to disgrace the sacred word study.

The devil did NOT make you do it. (F.U.D.)

One day a time will come when humanity will come to its senses and finally publish the perfect 22nd version of the bible.

How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who cares, one was the sun.

Remember you have a choice to not burn in hell if you disbelieve. (breath a sigh of relief all you people worried about finding a get out of hell free card)

Thou shalt watch every documentary on the history of religions and read every book explaining why people think you are irrational before invoking something existing outside of space and time. (Turns out we really do have all the answers)

And finally, remember all the times Jesus didn't speak the next time you think its important to open your mouth.

Guy's and gals, I have been writing on this stuff for years and THIS is the first time you start getting at me? I mean I've written an 11 page digression summing up all the things you could ever talk about one night and I had three responses to that. I don't want to convert anybody and I definitely don't know everything, obviously. I've never claimed to know anything that science can't teach. That is the problem. I have provable, key word provable, facts and history to tell people about and they have personally stories they don't understand call it god. There is the difference. Anything I say you can come to the same conclusion w/o me having to convince you its true.

[80] Insignificant

Probably the biggest word to describe how I justify most of my actions in life. Words, for example, are pretty insignificant. I was asked why I cussed recently and the best I could come up with is that I've been doing it since 2nd grade. Who cares? In a number of years many of our words will disappear with history. History that, as tv so clearly points out, is nothing but violence, take overs, political squabbles, and wrought with fear. From one famous name to the next the world is passed around like a cheap whore. If there's one thing i learned from watching the history channel and then switching to Green Day's cover of Working Class Hero its that we, as existing individuals, are completely insignificant in relation to the universe we inhabit. I mean who's reading this that's really thinking about the Darfur people?

You hope your actions will influence people, assuming you even act at all. The burden is still on them to accept it and understand you. This is a give and take relationship. The highest honor you can aspire to in this life is that your service to someone will make you and them truly happy. I don't like to focus on bullshit and that's why people think I'm the rebel or one that likes to fight. I don't care to talk about half the shit people revolve their worlds around because we both know it will provide nothing in the end for either of us. I'm concerned about the all too frequently used term sheep that I see people become. They don't know how or are afraid to weed out this intrinsic bullshit.

Do you want someone to tell you your life before you live it? You'll be born into such n such religion, told right and wrong, go to school, get a job, have such and such right of passage, go to college, get a job, work the next 50 years, have fun sometimes here and there, talk about these issues your parents did, find someone to "settle down" with, the list goes on and can get unbearably specific. To take a misquoted line from the Astronaut Farmer "When I was a kid I was told I could be anything I wanted to be, somewhere along line I think we forgot that." I think before we ever ask questions we should start with the ultimate question. Are you happy? Before you care about someone's cussing, their religion, their possessions, their anything, ask yourself if your happy. If not, why not, if you don't know, why don't you know. If you don't know why u don't know then I can say you're in denial.

How much fuller can you make this life when you realize your probably not going to dance across the universe with Jesus forever anymore than your going to burn in hell for having an opinion?

[172] The People Around Me

Friday, February 27, 2009 at 6:19am

For multi-layered reasons of not-so complexity I find many of the people I surround myself with being upset, depressed, or angry. My feeble attempts at having parties seemingly unable to penetrate this self repudiating thought pattern in some, and frustration with the world in others. While my sense of happiness and well-being are not contingent upon the people around me, one can't help but to invest in those they consider friends. Given that I've been rather stooped in thought the past few days, and seeing as how there must be something screwy with how the planets are aligning, taking down my friends one at a time, why not write?

A few moments ago I made a little list of everything that could currently be categorized under stress. Four of them had to do with money, three with the system, and seven with me. Granted the last category is rather inflated by seemingly trivial things, but things weighing on my thoughts no less. I've been trying to think of what could make me absolutely miserable. I remember what things I used to think could, but now all I can come up with is the inability to enjoy life. If I couldn't laugh with my friends, be entranced by a story line in a video game or movie, or get excited planning on how to take over the campus, then I may as well kill myself. I wonder if people either don't have or simply don't choose to engage in the simple things that can bring them happiness. I think when people aren't focused on themselves and what makes them happy, they both knowingly and unknowingly affect the people around them. One must take a moment to state that when it comes to "things that make us happy" it doesn't always mean in a way that's necessarily healthy or generally condoned. Perhaps I should be more specific. One of the biggest things that can pull me away from self loathing or borderline depressed introspection is the prospect of being able to contribute towards someone else's happiness. Take the difference between that and say, doing drugs, as the "kind of happiness" I'm focusing on. A manifestation of happiness, not supplementation.

So onto my next question. Are there things providing that kind of happiness to which people have identified with and then tried to strive for? This could even be only for the means of self preservation at the very least. My initial thought is to say no. If that's true, then I wonder the consequences. I for example, fall back on the plans I have with Mystik and potential fun in random encounters and adventures on the days where I feel disgustingly bored. If one of those stressors starts to creep in, I try to fit it in my framework that doesn't leave room for excuses, but fights to see opportunities. I remember what it was like to have overbearing thoughts that made me think unbelievably low about myself. But what then? Why choose sadness or lasting anger? They don't feel good, they don't provide fun, and they alienate you from the part of yourself that truly does recognize what it wants and how it will get it. I guess I just wish for people to be more thoughtful when they're normally depressed. There should be an eagerness to find happiness because they know this low point is only going to last as long as they'll let it. Instead of being crushed by the big picture, simply recognize it and then move on. It really boils down to being honest to the point of exhaustion, at least to yourself, then actively working within the choices you make as a result. The biggest opposition to that is the easiness in which we find ruts and others propensity to help us settle in them farther.

I've made several references in blogs and conversations about the failed system. I wish there was a better way of making reference to it without sort of glancing over the striking fact that we are the system. It's an overhanging metaphor for all the reasons we fail ourselves. We betray ourselves, and we refuse to accept the knowledge which may indeed save ourselves. Those "moral underpinnings" of "civilized" society are imposed by people who I would venture to guess have the most naive and scattered understanding of why they believe in them and how, when pitted against those with more "radical" ideologies. Why don't we like murder? Besides the fact that we did, those in power decided they themselves wouldn't like to be murdered, therefore murder is wrong. It isn't "because murder is wrong, murder is wrong" like some religious sect could harp at you. This stems from the selfish, self preserving, very basic introspection of those with a disposition for power and control. You can apply this line of reasoning to any "atrocious" act. This idea is so intertwined with empathy I am hoping someone will challenge it and show me why it fails. It's so easy to say that you can understand and feel for someone else, but if the moral obligation to care was so deeply entrenched in our hearts and souls we'd be unable to laugh at a motivational poster saying "404 food not found" underneath a picture of starving African kids. And if you can't laugh at something like that, then to me you actively deny and are scared of the part of you that could. Recognizing that you don't want to be as sad, hurt, or as angry as the person you perceive is hardly an equally mirrored empathetic suffering.

So then what of this suffering? People ask these broad "why is there evil" "why is there suffering" questions and they're overwhelmingly met with cliches like "that's life" or nods to some supernatural battle between sky daddy and pyrogoatman. These things exist because we actively choose to engage in them. They make sense to us within the framework of our failed system. In some capacity, that's the only thing they need to do is make sense. For some they provide purpose, a chance to be some valiant knight through their self-righteous moral obligation. Others get use them as every excuse. That's why they're there. It's like riding a wave that's going to drown you regardless of the path you choose. If you don't recognize, accept, and change how to view yourself in light of it, then the system will not see fit any reason to change either. We no longer have the same kinds of selection pressures that got us this far. We need to take on the cold, anxiety ridden, but now thoughtful process of naturally selecting ourselves. It's easily viewed and understood what happens to our lives and society when we just kinda go with whatever gives us fleeting moments of marginal happiness and distraction. Is this what you want? Is it something you're willing to fight?

What does this mean for how and why we lie? The easiest lies are the ones you believe. If to you society, you, the system, etc. can be solved with arbitration, spiritual enlightenment, and a little bit of hope...please, just never talk to me. Right and wrong are absolutes?...develop an imagination. Who am I though to say my view is so right? Why should my method of thinking or elaborate scheme be taken seriously? The simple answer is that it shouldn't and can't. My ideas can only come true and be worked at by me, the same push is your own choice. You'd have to come to the same independent conclusions from a preponderance of evidence. Your introspection, your study, and your honesty are at the corner of what matters. Do I expect that a perfect exercise of this will have us all nodding along accordingly and just "getting it" as it were? Absolutely not, and to think so would be to completely miss the point of the exercise. Given that I believe those "on the level" can understand how this works I'll call it a "secret" for the people I've all but completely lost up to this point.

All I do is start with what I feel are relatively easy questions. What makes me happy? What appears to make those around me happy, and why? What is it about myself that is enabling or preventing me from one act or idea and another? When you literally feel like you can do, think, or say anything and then dignify active work towards one of your choices, you can find happiness. You can find a sense of self with purpose properly secured. You can overwhelmingly find all the reasons why, and you can be confidant that they are "right."

Written about a month ago · Comment · LikeUnlike

 You like this.

 Colin Hampton at 8:18am February 27

Ok. So it's a quarter past eight in the morning. I haven't slept, despite the fact that I've been laying here for hours. So I am going to have to read through this one more time.

lol pyrogoatman <~ that was the entire point of this comment.

 Billy Bowman at 4:12pm February 27

I agree with lol pyrocgoatman, but to answer one of your original points about why the people around you seem depressed, despite all the little things that can bring them happiness, despite the realizations of a flawed system and working to fix it would if not make you happy, distract you from the depression. I believe, at least in my case and I'm ...  sure several others, it boils down to one statement you made.. "..but if the moral obligation to care was so deeply entrenched in our hearts and souls.."

I believe there is some deeply entrenched obligation to care embedded in us. Maybe not for everyone, maybe not even care about a lot of people, but there is something there. You care for the happiness of your friends, the success of Mystik, trying to do something to fix the system. It's not the same level of 'care' as Christian fanatics claim to have, loving every living soul despite everything. No, it's something simpler, a care to be happy, and for those close to you to be happy.

 Billy Bowman at 4:15pm February 27

There's truly some biological need, for lack a better way or wording it, for us to care, comfort, and be close to others, to complete us. Thing about nature for a moment.

Lions, for instance, have their prides. They care for each others, but you don't seem them hanging out with other prides, they don't care about other prides, they just have ...  Read Moretheir close knit circle of lion friends and family, and they are perfectly content to care for them and them alone, and fuck any one else. Sea otters have larger families, their more social creatures. They have fun playing with each other, hanging out, and dealing with issues as a group, but all the sea otters in an area are in the same group, they aren't all 'friends'.

It might be a slightly weird, and awkward metaphor, but I think it gets the point across.

 Nick P. at 4:21pm February 27

I understand your point Mr. Bowman. I guess I was aiming more for the how and why nature of caring and not so much the act in itself. This is why I used the terms "moral obligation" as if to ridicule the idea of it being outwardly imposed as much as intuitively realized and expressed. Basically the root of that caring is either extended or stifled by the amount of benefit you see it carrying.

I called it last night that pyrogoatman would be the main thing people took away from this lol.

 Billy Bowman at 4:28pm February 27

I thought you would, but hopefully you're not the only one reading. Right, the how and why.. I'm not sure I can address as easily. I agree it's not some outwardly imposed idea, and it makes sense that it's tied to the benefit you perceive.. but I think there's more to it. It doesn't explain very well how one might care if they accidentally hurt a friends, or why one would care so much if they made a mistake that affected nothing, but they feel they just shouldn't have made.

 Nick P. at 4:49pm February 27

An interesting point, but I think could still stem from a system eye's view with regards to its "hurting friends" policy. I think the amount of worry one imposes on the situation, particularly if it "affected nothing," is mostly subjective as well. I accidentally elbow and headbutt steev all the time, do I care? Obviously. Will I scold myself about...  Read More what this means for our future, my subconscious "real" feelings, and be put down that I "just shouldn't have done that?" Not likely. I think it comes from an even deeper sense of that person's self. If you just never cry, never fight, never betray, and then something you do or are accused of doing resonates with a life pattern you've worked hard to establish, then the "I just shouldn't have done that" turns into a kind of self hating reserved for Jews.

 Billy Bowman at 4:53pm February 27

Well of course it's subjective, as is happiness, and what makes people happy, but I am inclined to agree with your latter sentiments. Most people, however, don't know themselves, so these things will bother them.

 Steev Young at 7:09pm February 27

I think you should be worrying what that means for our future.... that last headbutt really hurt... thank you.....lol... i had to put it out there..other than that i really have nothing to say. thank you for your time.

 Billy Bowman at 2:52am February 28

Damnit Steev, I want my time back.

 Steev Young at 3:36am February 28

Do you want the unicorns back too? Because those are two things that aren't going to happen. sorry.