This is an accompaniment to Everyday
Whisper as I reflect on the first 2 days of attempting to meet the
conditions I set out for myself.
I believe I misspoke when I said my life lacked structure. A particularly disorganized person doesn't show up to work as often as I do or build the things I've built. The impetus for trying to put an array of things to accomplish throughout my day is more of an attempt to induce anxiety for the right things. “Right” being things I enjoy and help take my mind off things verses things I “wish” I could be doing, but don't yet have the money or help.
I also included a few terms that are beyond my control. It's spring break. I'm not going to make anywhere near $100 a day, and even allowing the leeway for an average, it's going to take a considerable amount of time to even out. Something I'm okay with allowing room with is watching TV shows. That's always been a filler activity, not a guilt-inducing thing I never get around to or need to be in too particular a mood to do. If there's no business at work, I'd rather hang with a friend or run an errand than force myself to sit through 2-7 hours to “complete a season” so to speak. Also, the difference between a 9 track album of a genre I'm keen to verses a 24 track album of music I could take but mostly leave is a bigger time eater than it should be.
What my list doesn't include is arguably a key component to what's generally missing from my life as a social animal. A sense of community. A common goal and shared purpose. I don't make time every day to talk to anyone. I'm not devoting an hour of my day to playing a game or other group activity. If you don't want to pay to hang out in an adult sports team, or if you're not willing to play up your constant desire to get high and drill down on your insecurities, I've found this town to be a bit lacking in that regard. I can meet people, of course, I met 2 new ones tonight. One who nearly drank herself to death a few days ago, the other very high recalling woes from a recent ex-boyfriend. I don't begrudge people their problems, but I complain enough about life all on my own, and in my experience chain smokers don't revel at the idea of yard work.
A kind of run-off of putting different things I enjoy in new juxtaposing ways is that they become a little easier to remember. If I read 100 comics, I might recall a handful of details with a little prompting. If I have 5 in my head as I'm humming a song or recalling a figure from some article, it makes for a more unique experience. I also didn't expect to feel so good afterward, and in the morning, from doing yoga. I'm doing it very poorly, but my body is reacting to it immediately. I prepared so much food, and I'm feeling generally less hungry.
Create all the structure in the world and it won't give your life meaning. I get energy from doing things for people. More specifically, being of actual meaningful consequence towards people I give a shit about. A large portion of me wants to excuse my way out of this stupid and pointless set of obligations because I don't feel I have anything to prove to myself by adhering to “regimented indulgence.” If that was the only perceived potential benefit I wouldn't have started in the first place. I think it's important to state as well that I'm not sure I'll make it the year. Here and now is as much free time as I could ask for without study money in the bank and I'm still getting hung up on long albums and surprise invitations pushing my ability to complete the tasks to the late hours.
A general way I've been going about things is to wake up, grab my food, and head to the parking lot at least an hour and a half early. I read my book chapter. I read my comics. I start a movie. I play the album, perhaps drumming during it. Here, a giant chunk of time would go towards catching up on shows, but like today, there was no reason just to sit and watch TV with a friend around. I then came home to do yoga after seeing a show.
It's never that all together the tasks are that difficult or even take that much time. It's getting interrupted. It's getting bored. I actually want some memory of what I'm engaging with. I want to corral my focus. But I really want to be able to relate the things I'm doing to other people and their experiences of the world. I'm already on a different plain with the sheer amount of information I've taken in already. Now I'm going to add things from left field and create more mental connections no one's ever heard of?
I noticed as well that even if I can complete things early, this still presents the “wish” problem. Now my list is knocked out, and I'm wondering why there isn't more I could be doing to promote, sell, grow, build, or practice. I really do feel like a machine stuck in the on position. I learned how to jam up the gears during studies, but when you do things like yoga and complete lists and schedules, as a ravenous machine, it's like being a crackhead arguing for “just the tip” of the needle.
I've dealt with this is the past and I don't think it turned out like I wanted it to. I don't want to feel like a bright and healthy motivated person with nowhere to go. It won't be bad for me to reach Bannon-level yoga skills and I won't hate the surprise cool song I come across from the artist I'd never otherwise listen to, but I need less references than I do referrals. Part of me feels I'll stop caring about the in-between time energy once I actually have a house to do everything in, get organized, double down, and take it into the world in a manner that attracts the kind of community I'm after.
I believe I misspoke when I said my life lacked structure. A particularly disorganized person doesn't show up to work as often as I do or build the things I've built. The impetus for trying to put an array of things to accomplish throughout my day is more of an attempt to induce anxiety for the right things. “Right” being things I enjoy and help take my mind off things verses things I “wish” I could be doing, but don't yet have the money or help.
I also included a few terms that are beyond my control. It's spring break. I'm not going to make anywhere near $100 a day, and even allowing the leeway for an average, it's going to take a considerable amount of time to even out. Something I'm okay with allowing room with is watching TV shows. That's always been a filler activity, not a guilt-inducing thing I never get around to or need to be in too particular a mood to do. If there's no business at work, I'd rather hang with a friend or run an errand than force myself to sit through 2-7 hours to “complete a season” so to speak. Also, the difference between a 9 track album of a genre I'm keen to verses a 24 track album of music I could take but mostly leave is a bigger time eater than it should be.
What my list doesn't include is arguably a key component to what's generally missing from my life as a social animal. A sense of community. A common goal and shared purpose. I don't make time every day to talk to anyone. I'm not devoting an hour of my day to playing a game or other group activity. If you don't want to pay to hang out in an adult sports team, or if you're not willing to play up your constant desire to get high and drill down on your insecurities, I've found this town to be a bit lacking in that regard. I can meet people, of course, I met 2 new ones tonight. One who nearly drank herself to death a few days ago, the other very high recalling woes from a recent ex-boyfriend. I don't begrudge people their problems, but I complain enough about life all on my own, and in my experience chain smokers don't revel at the idea of yard work.
A kind of run-off of putting different things I enjoy in new juxtaposing ways is that they become a little easier to remember. If I read 100 comics, I might recall a handful of details with a little prompting. If I have 5 in my head as I'm humming a song or recalling a figure from some article, it makes for a more unique experience. I also didn't expect to feel so good afterward, and in the morning, from doing yoga. I'm doing it very poorly, but my body is reacting to it immediately. I prepared so much food, and I'm feeling generally less hungry.
Create all the structure in the world and it won't give your life meaning. I get energy from doing things for people. More specifically, being of actual meaningful consequence towards people I give a shit about. A large portion of me wants to excuse my way out of this stupid and pointless set of obligations because I don't feel I have anything to prove to myself by adhering to “regimented indulgence.” If that was the only perceived potential benefit I wouldn't have started in the first place. I think it's important to state as well that I'm not sure I'll make it the year. Here and now is as much free time as I could ask for without study money in the bank and I'm still getting hung up on long albums and surprise invitations pushing my ability to complete the tasks to the late hours.
A general way I've been going about things is to wake up, grab my food, and head to the parking lot at least an hour and a half early. I read my book chapter. I read my comics. I start a movie. I play the album, perhaps drumming during it. Here, a giant chunk of time would go towards catching up on shows, but like today, there was no reason just to sit and watch TV with a friend around. I then came home to do yoga after seeing a show.
It's never that all together the tasks are that difficult or even take that much time. It's getting interrupted. It's getting bored. I actually want some memory of what I'm engaging with. I want to corral my focus. But I really want to be able to relate the things I'm doing to other people and their experiences of the world. I'm already on a different plain with the sheer amount of information I've taken in already. Now I'm going to add things from left field and create more mental connections no one's ever heard of?
I noticed as well that even if I can complete things early, this still presents the “wish” problem. Now my list is knocked out, and I'm wondering why there isn't more I could be doing to promote, sell, grow, build, or practice. I really do feel like a machine stuck in the on position. I learned how to jam up the gears during studies, but when you do things like yoga and complete lists and schedules, as a ravenous machine, it's like being a crackhead arguing for “just the tip” of the needle.
I've dealt with this is the past and I don't think it turned out like I wanted it to. I don't want to feel like a bright and healthy motivated person with nowhere to go. It won't be bad for me to reach Bannon-level yoga skills and I won't hate the surprise cool song I come across from the artist I'd never otherwise listen to, but I need less references than I do referrals. Part of me feels I'll stop caring about the in-between time energy once I actually have a house to do everything in, get organized, double down, and take it into the world in a manner that attracts the kind of community I'm after.
