[178] Life Is So Very Peculiar

Complex. Social. Situations.

If we start with the complex we see hidden prejudices and biases, conflicted feelings, sporadic anger and stress, and a desperate struggle to squeeze as much fun out of the social gathering as possible. You see the most bizarre kinds of friendship. And less we forget the most dramatic levels of irony that punctuate conversations well within earshot of their subject. You aide your friends in their quest for red cheeks, dizziness, and burning throats. It's all harmless enough. I guess I'm just responding to all the stuff I "see," and am fairly certain most everyone else does to, and trying to find a place for it.

Let's take an old cliche; Know who your real friends are. I think its interesting how we build relationships. I place a lot on what you do for people without and beyond their expectations. I'm glad that I think I surround myself with a majority of people who behave just that way, thus their real friend status. The problem comes in when that human...bug, comes in and starts to dig its way into people. Think about what it is people want from others. Companionship, trust, sharing, perhaps most importantly, distraction. We want them to be funny, to listen to us, and regale us with stories from the lives we didn't get to live. You start to hang out with these people for so long that whether you planned on it or not, you develop a rather deep connection with them. Then comes the cohabitation, relationships, and drama. But what exactly happens when you've developed this relationship, or for more ubiquitous use, connection with these people? How and why do things go wrong?

I think first and foremost people think of themselves, and in the pursuit of making themselves happy, their selfishness permeates and predicates all of their actions. The whole idea of relationship or connection rather spits in the face of that idea. I would still argue that my view is the case, and because of a massive denial and misunderstanding of ourselves, thus plays out the tragedy of the complex social situation. Something I frequently hear when it comes to trust building; "I just want you to open up and tell me things about yourself." On its face this seems logical. It's either a massive display or trust, or stupidity, when you share your real self with someone else, but yet we find it going wrong in the majority of cases. Why? My idea is that it is because people don't think enough about themselves in the right way to handle, empathize, or understand someone else. We project our misunderstandings, our insecurities, our depressed or saddened mindset into judgments about how wrong or screwed up someone else is in relation to ourselves. This is not to say that we should be barred from judgments, but the reasons behind those judgments should be honest. It's all well and good to hear about someone else's life and experience, but god forbid they say or do something that so drastically differs from what you could imagine it "offends" you at your core. Is it necessarily them being "bad" or "wrong" or weird, and are you sure that how you respond is necessarily correct and from a position of understanding?

I doubt there is much merit in knowing things like someone else's favorite color or their favorite elementary school teacher, but I would put money on the majority of my friends not having a clue or inclination to ask or care about the what's and who's like that with regards to me. This doesn't bother me, and if you really want to know I'll usually answer. What happens though is that these are the kinds of default conversation pieces that we engage in to develop that shell of "this is who I am" when trying to relate to someone else. Can you really be that baffled why 6 months down the line you've seemingly stumbled across this whole different person that confuses and stresses you out? Of course though, this speaks more to relationships than connections. Quite literally, you could've known everything about that person before you even met them, just by fully appreciating what it means to be human, then working on what it is about that nature that makes you happy. Even more importantly, understanding and having a place and plan for the things that don't.

Let's take the broader connection area. My parties alone have a bunch of friends converging over a table and hookah. Surely there is less drama between members in a cordial game of pong. Enter the hush hush when a that certain someone opens the porch door. Pretend that glance or glare didn't really mean what you know it does. Throw yourself, with the utmost passion, into each ball toss, and dance ever prettily in distraction, because doing so can completely take your mind away from the reason you started drinking in the first place. Now don't get me wrong, we all need a little distraction, and there are all the good feelings that substances can manifest, I just wish things could go deeper. I wish that I was certain everyone could have a good time the majority of the time, and yet I'm hesitant to say this happens as often as I'd like when I see some of the faces as they're leaving. I can only think to myself, as someone surrounded by so many friends, giving, caring, and smart ones at that, how is it possible to keep any sort of sustained negative feelings?

The simple answer is that each person needs to be their own source of happiness first, before they can really get it from anyone else. Moreover, maybe neither the person, nor the ones they can go to, are really equipped in a way to help. Either way, the nature of these connections is still what's in question. A big part of sustaining said connections is masking or hiding your true thoughts or feelings until they become more convenient. Of course, while you harbor these feelings, it becomes that much harder to be your own happiness. It's funny that no matter what someone seems to have to say about someone else, they never want to "hurt" them, all the while utterly hurting themselves.

UGH. The only word my mind keeps going back to is honesty. When I meet someone or form a relationship or connection with them, I first expect them to be stupid. I expect them to be confused, opinionated, immature, or even painfully annoying and different from what I'd like. I expect this because I know it is exactly how some, if not many, people think about me, and yet the world keeps spinning because those are just simple facts about us. I also assume that they can be funny, interesting, and engaging. I know that no matter how many cliches we may experience together, there is still an individual that can only be manifest in that specific person. I celebrate that when I throw my parties. On the surface its repetitive beer pong, plum or melon hookah, and "college kid" behavior. But it remains a complex social situation. I get excited at the potential for deeper conversation and connection. Just the potential mind you, because there are no guarantees the new face I've allowed in has anything to offer but their ass to a couch. I just wish I could offer more. I wish I had that secret or method of talking that would compel people to enjoy the same setting for the same unabated reasons I have. I wish people could trust that no matter what they had to say to someone else the other person could handle it, talk about it, fix it, express it, debate it, or when worse comes to worst know you must simply remove yourself from it.

I'm not totally sure how this reads, but I want to make sure that you know I'm not trying to be a downer or hater on anybody or the parties, I just like to speculate and write. Trust that I genuinely enjoy the people and the atmosphere, hence the parties continue. Amazing pong shots, random and hilarious comments and behavior, put me in the front row. I just want to make sure I've stated on the record that most of your friends at my parties aren't just good for pitching in money or providing new hookah flavors. I would hope that you guys understand I'm more than an open door. I hope everyone is being what they can for each other the 5, 4, or even 3 days a week there isn't a party.