Friday,
April 3, 2009 at 7:02pm
Give
up hope. Hope insinuates that you know something. You don't know
anything. No one does. There is no hope for anyone.
I'll try to be as utterly vague as possible about a whole of indiscriminate subjects I've grown ever resolved about that have still given me no reason to believe otherwise. One of those resolutions is that there is something wrong with me. I don't project my problems onto other people. I don't pretend like there's anything someone could do to me that I haven't done to myself. I don't really "hear" what people "mean" when they "say" something. I remain utterly indifferent, removed, non-committal, unconvinced, confused, and cold. Furthermore, I find this "stance" one of the strongest points about me. It's one of, if not the biggest, reason I feel I get anywhere in life or find reason to be happy. This has to mean there is something wrong with me. I want to make sure that this isn't some sort of pity party or "woe-is-me" kind of sentiment. Plainly, logically, factually, and by the accordance of seemingly every "normal" person I meet, I'm different to such a degree that there simply must be something wrong. Have I a clue what this is? Not really, and I've vaguely alluded to sociopathy, but if that were the case it definitely couldn't be as drastic as most sites and books would depict. The biggest thing I'm learning from this "condition" is that if I'm not talking to someone who can behave the same way, take what I say for what I say it, refuse to invest anything in me than what I can provide evidentially, and hold as little trust or faith in me as they can, then I don't feel like I can provide the best of me towards them.
I'll bring up one more problem before I try to explain these further with examples. Say for whatever reason I take your car to the mall, come back, and your pissed off and tell me "don't drive my car to the mall." Great, understood. Don't drive your call to the mall. Aside from this being a messy example because I don't arbitrarily take people's things, let me explain to you how I'm thinking and what I'm asking myself. Who's at the mall that you don't want to see your car? Is the mall too far for your car because it's got some problem with it? Is there some particular aspect of my driving that you know about that your car can't handle? Why did you let me use/drive your car for such and such endeavor in the past? How many times will I have to let you drive my car until it's okay for me to drive your car to the mall again? This all seems a bit cluttered an unnecessary. What I think other people would get from a situation like that is, "it is wrong to take other peoples' cars." I feel like the nature of these questions seems almost too ridiculous with this example, but take something more ambiguous, add more questions, and give me enough time to find it reasonably justifiable for me to distinguish this situation from all others, and this is what happens. It fucks me, and it will continue to fuck me, until I'm in a situation that is "undeniably" clear if that's even possible when you talk about subjectivity.
On the former point, I can provide a relatively simple depiction. "O Nick, your so prone to saying something like that in this situation." My first reaction is to automatically cut that type of behavior or comments when your around. I hate to have assumptions made about me. I hate when people think they even begin to have a clue about me. When they predicate their actions on their assumptions about me, I want to fuck them over. There is a difference, at least with me, between assuming something about someone, and knowing something about them. You assume something about people when you try and take how they behave or react and apply it to a random situation in the future. You know something about them when you both can feel said situation at the same time and on the same level. I hold this so strongly that when I feel myself starting to assume things, I try to fuck myself. And wow do I do a great job of that.
For instance, I assume to varying degrees that when I'm talking about something, I'm relatively correct in what I'm saying. I also assume that while I might not always convey my point how I wanted, especially the first time around, that some amount of talking will either resolve the discrepancy or at least illuminate the biggest points of contrast to be discussed or debated further, later. These are horrendous assumptions. At the end of the day, people are biased to hearing what they want to hear. There is a fundamental distrust in everything, at least in what I, seem to have to say to people or in what they have to say to me. The only way to remedy this is to try and "act" in the exact manner in which I actually believe at any given time. If that means becoming cold and indifferent to something because I overall believe I'd rather be happy, then that's why I'm cold and indifferent. I have, call it a habit, of being unable to give a shit about things that only bring me down, that are filled with unnecessary drama, that almost refuse to simply dignify an ounce of what I'm doing in spite of the easy assumptions.
I guess the hardest thing to swallow seems to be something screaming at me to acknowledge it. You simply can't really understand someone or thing. Because of this, you can't really trust someone or thing. You'll never fully comprehend and you shouldn't expect it, but at the same time you still have to believe you are. And because of your belief, because you can't survive without it, your fundamentally unable to trust or understand, not really, anything about anybody, yet you never should've thought you could to begin with. Please argue with me here because this feels like a mindfuck just trying to type it out.
I'm a person that hurts other people, not necessarily because I want or intend to, but because I've managed to develop the tendencies required that make it logically follow that such should be the case. The only way I don't hurt people is when they show me that it isn't possible. The only way for people not to get hurt is for them to be relatively sociopathic as well or utterly indifferent to me. But as I've stated above, there seems to be something wrong with a human equation that seems to "work" this way. I suppose it is entirely possible that my "on the level" sentiment is just a meager way of depicting individuals so removed from the basic plain of existence that they should therefore be diagnosed. I'm just sick of being the cog in the wheel. Since there's nothing to beat, and I'm incapable of joining, I'm resolved to remove myself.
I'll try to be as utterly vague as possible about a whole of indiscriminate subjects I've grown ever resolved about that have still given me no reason to believe otherwise. One of those resolutions is that there is something wrong with me. I don't project my problems onto other people. I don't pretend like there's anything someone could do to me that I haven't done to myself. I don't really "hear" what people "mean" when they "say" something. I remain utterly indifferent, removed, non-committal, unconvinced, confused, and cold. Furthermore, I find this "stance" one of the strongest points about me. It's one of, if not the biggest, reason I feel I get anywhere in life or find reason to be happy. This has to mean there is something wrong with me. I want to make sure that this isn't some sort of pity party or "woe-is-me" kind of sentiment. Plainly, logically, factually, and by the accordance of seemingly every "normal" person I meet, I'm different to such a degree that there simply must be something wrong. Have I a clue what this is? Not really, and I've vaguely alluded to sociopathy, but if that were the case it definitely couldn't be as drastic as most sites and books would depict. The biggest thing I'm learning from this "condition" is that if I'm not talking to someone who can behave the same way, take what I say for what I say it, refuse to invest anything in me than what I can provide evidentially, and hold as little trust or faith in me as they can, then I don't feel like I can provide the best of me towards them.
I'll bring up one more problem before I try to explain these further with examples. Say for whatever reason I take your car to the mall, come back, and your pissed off and tell me "don't drive my car to the mall." Great, understood. Don't drive your call to the mall. Aside from this being a messy example because I don't arbitrarily take people's things, let me explain to you how I'm thinking and what I'm asking myself. Who's at the mall that you don't want to see your car? Is the mall too far for your car because it's got some problem with it? Is there some particular aspect of my driving that you know about that your car can't handle? Why did you let me use/drive your car for such and such endeavor in the past? How many times will I have to let you drive my car until it's okay for me to drive your car to the mall again? This all seems a bit cluttered an unnecessary. What I think other people would get from a situation like that is, "it is wrong to take other peoples' cars." I feel like the nature of these questions seems almost too ridiculous with this example, but take something more ambiguous, add more questions, and give me enough time to find it reasonably justifiable for me to distinguish this situation from all others, and this is what happens. It fucks me, and it will continue to fuck me, until I'm in a situation that is "undeniably" clear if that's even possible when you talk about subjectivity.
On the former point, I can provide a relatively simple depiction. "O Nick, your so prone to saying something like that in this situation." My first reaction is to automatically cut that type of behavior or comments when your around. I hate to have assumptions made about me. I hate when people think they even begin to have a clue about me. When they predicate their actions on their assumptions about me, I want to fuck them over. There is a difference, at least with me, between assuming something about someone, and knowing something about them. You assume something about people when you try and take how they behave or react and apply it to a random situation in the future. You know something about them when you both can feel said situation at the same time and on the same level. I hold this so strongly that when I feel myself starting to assume things, I try to fuck myself. And wow do I do a great job of that.
For instance, I assume to varying degrees that when I'm talking about something, I'm relatively correct in what I'm saying. I also assume that while I might not always convey my point how I wanted, especially the first time around, that some amount of talking will either resolve the discrepancy or at least illuminate the biggest points of contrast to be discussed or debated further, later. These are horrendous assumptions. At the end of the day, people are biased to hearing what they want to hear. There is a fundamental distrust in everything, at least in what I, seem to have to say to people or in what they have to say to me. The only way to remedy this is to try and "act" in the exact manner in which I actually believe at any given time. If that means becoming cold and indifferent to something because I overall believe I'd rather be happy, then that's why I'm cold and indifferent. I have, call it a habit, of being unable to give a shit about things that only bring me down, that are filled with unnecessary drama, that almost refuse to simply dignify an ounce of what I'm doing in spite of the easy assumptions.
I guess the hardest thing to swallow seems to be something screaming at me to acknowledge it. You simply can't really understand someone or thing. Because of this, you can't really trust someone or thing. You'll never fully comprehend and you shouldn't expect it, but at the same time you still have to believe you are. And because of your belief, because you can't survive without it, your fundamentally unable to trust or understand, not really, anything about anybody, yet you never should've thought you could to begin with. Please argue with me here because this feels like a mindfuck just trying to type it out.
I'm a person that hurts other people, not necessarily because I want or intend to, but because I've managed to develop the tendencies required that make it logically follow that such should be the case. The only way I don't hurt people is when they show me that it isn't possible. The only way for people not to get hurt is for them to be relatively sociopathic as well or utterly indifferent to me. But as I've stated above, there seems to be something wrong with a human equation that seems to "work" this way. I suppose it is entirely possible that my "on the level" sentiment is just a meager way of depicting individuals so removed from the basic plain of existence that they should therefore be diagnosed. I'm just sick of being the cog in the wheel. Since there's nothing to beat, and I'm incapable of joining, I'm resolved to remove myself.
Jared
Pease
at 1:15am April 4
tl;dr.
I like your title though, it reminds me of the quote 'Abandon hope
all ye who enter here'.
