Current mood: simply starving to feel safe
I
think I'm going to begin my slow but steady path back onto the road
of unique just like everyone else. Good news though, I don't have to
be depressed or pessimistic anymore so basically, I'm no longer a
bitch. Its definitely true that when you lose, or i guess in this
case maybe forsake
and confuse?,
love part of your soul dies with it. Quite simply, I'm tired of
stress, thinking, and all the other crap that keeps me awake and
tense. It's not me. She won't really talk to me and I can't help
that. I send some stupid ass way of explaining myself at probably an
incredibly weird and awkward time, and I really hate putting myself
on the "how ridiculous can I look" line. So fuck it. I must
still have something of a soul or good center because I did actually
feel bad for this fat chick I saw on true life. I know I won't get
what I really want from resorting back to my ways in the past, but
what the hell is stopping me? The only thing I've been letting make
me feel all this bullshit is me, so I'll change back. Thank God I'm
out of school now and it will be that much easier not having to go
and hope she'll show up or be in a flirtatious mood or something. I
hate to try this semi isolation method. Little recourse is left
though and I'm tired of feeling so fucked up about it all.
Unfortunately I'm too old and set in my ways to put on the
"everything's happy and ok cloak" that religion wants to
provide. Things can always get worse and I never have anything to
complain about. "Love" I guess then really isn't that
important. It can be, it can be amazing and meaningful and yada blah
dee dah. If things are in the way and nothing is being solved then
its almost less than important. It kills me how I can see kids on
Juvies who have moms just as psychotic as mine and have it worse
off. I hear stories from my step mom about getting rapped her entire
kid life while her mom sat by and even blamed it on her. I see this
fat chick on tv who's so hurt and mentally fucked because of the
comments people like me make. I watch all these war movies recently,
people dieing for nothing, families destroyed. And I have the
audacity to carry on and on about a feeling in my stomach and
restless thoughts? Priorities right. Must be the human condition to
bitch no matter what. That's what makes me a terrible person more
than anything else. Worrying about love, probably some misconstrued
folded back on itself and slapped around self centered love, instead
of finding ways to spread it. It is admittedly really hard to let go
of caring about something though when you don't really feel connected
to people. Like that fake face is necessary in every conversation.
You get to feel guilty about the other half of your personality in
one group or another. I can't do it anymore though, not that I was
even able to do it well enough to be believable. I'm not fake no
matter how far things are in the past, no matter how much I could
"repent", nothing changes who I am. I really want to know
what it is that truly makes people. Forms their personalities and is
responsible for every small detail. The people who grow up having it
the "best" can fall/rise just as hard and fast as some
ghetto dweller. All these religious people that are so nice and caring
get me the most. Does that just happen? Do they work at it and just
think some of the crap that I'm always saying? Would some be as
strong morally and mentally if they were in the same situations as
some terrible sinners were early in life? I'm losing all faith in
humanity because it feels like I'm the only one with ten million
questions with ten million people all willing to look the other way
and disappear into rut that is more and more undoubtedly a misuse and
sham of a life. Fear. People apparently fear what they don't know
right? So then why is there no drive to know everything you can? I
don't like being confused, pumping out new blogs all the time,
especially since they don't seem to connect with anyone anymore.
Maybe it won't be such a terrible thing for the world to end in 2012.
I don't know if God can get frustrated, but this current planet does
seem like a valid situation. Who knows what the future holds, for now
though I'm taking back my old flow that got me through everything
then and will now. It's a lonely place, but its real. And this way it
protects the ones I can't figure out how to "correctly"
care
about. Fuck, gotta love the headaches that start to kick in.
Before I get cross eyed, ya, I'm done.
