This is my umpteenth profession for
having lost faith, hope, or reason for humanity. The difference being
that I want to practice just how ruthless and heartless I can be in
my attempts to cheat, lie, and use people for my own gain. I've done
the honesty thing and it's left me on an island. It's left me ranting
alone on blogs and circumstances that get me by, but are by no means
sustainable. I seek to talk out explicitly why I would venture down
such a road so as to show that it is not made in haste and with the
naiveté of first love.
I should start with the main reason,
which for lack of a litany of better words, must be referred to as
love. I am currently, and probably will always be in love. I only say
this because I can't help it otherwise. It influences my physiology,
how I treat other people, and my thoughts. I've tried, relatively
successfully to suppress it, put it out of my mind, and behave as if
this were not the case. I am aware that how you behave on the outside
is what reflects on the inside, so that is precisely what I did. In
the midst of this game within myself, I started dating Steev. Steev
not being a retarded and well-rehearsed int he practice of reading
people and discerning emotional states brings up those opportunities
to be annoyingly honest about oneself and circumstances. This I feel
is both a good and bad thing. On the one hand, there is someone out
there besides Byron who "gets it" and doesn't need me to
fill in too many blanks where her powers have shown to be dead wrong.
On the other hand, it completely fucks with my practice of the game.
One could call it a bad decision on my part by involving her with
this in the first place.
Either way, Steev has helped show me
why I can't believe in that mystical, beyond understanding version of
love so highly touted amongst the religious and the desperate. She
says she loves me, but I don't believe it even remotely touches what
I went through with Nikki. It can't. Steev had already adopted this
sense of understanding and methodology before she encountered me, she
has the built in fail safe and future outlook. I denied myself those
faculties because of how immature and all-encompassing I allowed my
thoughts to become. Despite my sincere desperation and feelings, I
was/am still marginalized, or at least it feels this way, in Nikki's
eyes. Despite I'm sure Steev's sincere feelings, I still feel like I
marginalize her and she understands that I either don't love, or
don't love even remotely in the same way or extent, the way I
professed to Nikki.
What this all tells me is that love
most compelling comes from your point of most desperation. The more
you can make yourself feel bad about yourself or the person your
after, the easier and environment for your feelings to manifest and
swell. I start with the initial shock of her sleeping on me during
bus rides. This opens the door to my thoughts that by some chance in
hell this girl I've secretly thought was beyond gorgeous and special
might have shown a hint that she likes me back. This pours over into
other events and interactions that hint even more. You move into the
realm of Internet conversations where one needn't be as shy about
what they say. Then more bus rides, more flirting, more
conversations, all dragging out for years. All giving me time to feel
more and more desperate, turn to religion that gives you even more
excuses to look down about yourself. But instead of it making me want
to love god, it stokes the coals of the feelings I had for her. All I
wanted to do was things to make her happy, ever making myself
disappear into the background. And what does that say about that kind
of love? That this engagement of what should be the mutual engagement
and expression towards each other is now some glorified idol worship
where neither side may ever see the true colors of the other?
Another thing even more intriguing are
books like The Rules of Seduction and The 48 Laws of Power. The very
fact that there are recipes of behavior that can trigger another
person to fall for you should speak enough to this point. And looking
back, whether she was aware of it or not, the way Nikki and I behaved
towards each other was perfect for ensuring that such a fate would
befall me.
I don't believe Steev's life was far
removed from the pattern of desperation to light at the end of the
tunnel either. Family life that pisses her off, immature and retarded
boyfriends in the past, and zero opportunity to even talk to someone
that exhibited her level of understanding would push her to grasp and
love someone who vehemently behaves in revulsion to that. This
coupled with a despotic outlook on lie, diminished self-esteem, and
nagging reminders of betrayal could make someone like me seem like
quite the lovable godsend. When it comes down to it though, Steev
isn't the one I have these feelings for. She isn't the one I dreamed
about, made myself sick over, and developed this kind of history
with. She was the first in line of the girls I thought I'd be able to
have a good time with on my new path to change the boredom of last
year and, for whatever reason, we're both acting to make it stick.
Neither of us is ignorant to those reasons, but I'm not sure we've
found any real justification for them.
Dammit, I wanted to talk myself into
reasons to cheat, lie, and use, but I've become too entrenched, or
better said, good at, being just honest enough to cloak what I'm
really doing, and yet still get what I wanted. I get to keep stories
straight and practice weaving circles. I suppose there's no reason
this can't be used for the secondary purpose of being more
comfortable with become disenfranchised by the ideas infused with
these feelings. One more go to finally push the whole load over the
edge and into the deep end.
Steev's idea to try and hook me up with
Nikki is so peculiar to me. If Nikki really liked Donnie, the last
thing in the world I would do is try to pawn her off on him "for
the sake of her happiness." Of course, I'm not abusive or a
psycho so perhaps that's a skewed analogy, but either way. I'd always
believe there was something more I could do to repair or cultivate in
response to what was lacking. If it had to fail then so be it, but I
wouldn't work to diminish my chances. There are generally good and
bad reasons that people should be together, and this mere cloak of
feelings and dreams does not constitute anything more than feelings
or dreams. This theoretical happiness and fulfillment I might get
from finally being with her is one thing, but who's to say how long
the "magic" would last and whether or not we really have
the frameworks for understanding each other? I guess that's the only
real question I would want answered. That fleeting chance or try.
Meh, if it happens. We can't even really talk,
that should be enough to say it would be doomed to fail.
