[692] Shout, Shout

What if I don't actually know my own voice?

Consider, what's the first thing people do when they hear themselves recorded for the first time? It's often a cringe or insistence it be shut off or even that it isn't them. How many “humble devil's advocates” are nothing but the asshole at the office? How many failed “trying to be funny” types have cast themselves into a pit of aspersions they'll never climb out of? How many pathological professions of love so routinely reduce the feeling to pain and combat? If you never know you're screaming, your answer to why people are crying and running in pain will always be incomplete.

There's a number of lines clashing at once that made me raise the initial question. Kevin Smith just said at the end of the episode of Comic Book Men that it's always fun watching movies, but way more so to be making them. Recently as well, I read an explanation for why The Walking Dead decided to kill Carl. And I've been thinking considerably about the message I profess on my road to self-sufficiency and the excuses I've offered as to why I don't engage in something like stand-up, movie making, or really anything I don't particularly care to suck at.

Maybe first we should talk about the consequences of not knowing your voice. It speaks to many of my old themes. You're a parrot for the times. You're forgoing the requisite thought to take control of your identity. Your ideas become open for manipulation and exploitation in ways that had you a consistent and deliberate message would make such things considerably harder. We take the concept, the individual nature of our own voice as for granted as any other part of our body, despite it surely being of greater implication than your tongue in its physicality.

When it comes to any kind of artistic expression, I hate it when it's done for its own sake. I'm with the pretentious art critic who doesn't really believe AI algorithms making pictures is the same thing as a person putting in the work. I like the genuinely depressive and desperate comedian who's been in pointless feuds and is in recovery considerably more than the 19 year old who can match the pace and set-ups. I'll give them credit if they're funny, sure, but “they” aren't going to stick with me like the comedians and stories of my favorites have.

Writing is really the only example I have of something creative that I do on any sort of regular basis that I bother with people seeing. First, a few pages that I may come to regret are a considerably easier time, money, and effort investment than what it would take to drag people to an open mic or pull together the resources for a film. Second, I tend to only write when I really want to explore something or think I have something to say. If I don't want to write every day, I don't. If what I'm saying I think is more important than how sad it might make you feel or how far you may question what's left of our relationship, I'm putting me before you and telling you to take responsibility for how you perceive me.

That's basically the thing I wonder about everyone who puts together a movie or thinks the world needs to experience their art. Are they doing it for the right reasons? Is it truly the group of friends writing and shooting Clerks who's voice is so powerful a group of Irish guys want to make a movie about that friendship? Seems a huge sign that Kevin Smith is embedded in the right world for the right reasons. Why do certain directors make hit after hit after hit, and they all register as some degree of timeless or quality, and others are Michael Bay?

In the episode of The Walking Dead, the creators explained that they needed a reason for a transformation in Rick. Rick's “voice” as dogged leader who survives and keeps people together tragedy after tragedy, now pushed to the edge of all-out-war having blood feud has been a long and complicated one. What would prevent Rick from killing Negan? “His” voice would have to shine through as his love and commitment to his son. The spirit of what kept the group together is what's needed to keep even the concept of humanity alive in the storm of constant raining shit. At which point does Rick know what he's supposed to do? Is it the thick of it all as the guns are blaring, or in the memory that flashes before his eyes as he refrains from doing something that would betray it all?

People are loathe to defend the show anymore, and I think it's because of the same “I don't want to persistently think and evolve” mindset that plagues the modern era in general. A show comes out and excites you about the prospect of death, the lingering wish at the back of every fat desperate “millennial” mind and child not knowing if they're making it home from school. Now the show wants to speak of humanity and redemption as we're entertaining the idea of arming teachers and hearing that God wants the EPA destroyed? The Walking Dead is going where people might one day be again, but it's certainly no longer where they are.

I woke up to see the first article on my phone telling me that Kevin Smith had a massive heart attack. I read about how after facing his biggest fear, he realized that he had a good run and found himself oddly at peace if this was really it. He had his friends who he's still creating with. He created a family he's crazy about. He's used his underlying love or all he gets involved with to propel him across platforms and into so many worlds. I don't think that happens merely “because he made a movie.” I think it's because he made his movie. And if you never remember a line from it, you'll remember how it made you feel like he feels about his life and friends.

I think that's what I tried in the party house. I think that's why I'm willing to sever ties when the conversation has died and “life” has substituted for your life. It's why I bother to make appeals at all in writing. I feel confident enough that my voice is all of the blogs. If I adapt them into something else, then at least it came from a place I thought only I could speak to in my way. You don't need to hear my record, you don't need to see my routine, you know my motivation. I want to report on what I don't see enough of or where I see weird things connect. I want to create because I have to, not because I can. I want to know that if I get my heart attack well before I or anyone thinks it's due, I can have that same feeling that I did what I could as I thought I should, and how it looks right now is okay.

Maybe I don't want the “workaholic” narration to be so loud. Maybe I don't need to denigrate exploring what other people have created, even if that only involves a screen. Maybe my voice is better for all the people that no longer need to flavor it. The ideas wouldn't bring me a tinge of happiness if they were out and out wrong, right? I wouldn't bother to write if I didn't think my voice existed in the first place. But I'll never know the totality of what I'm saying. I'll only be able to look for how to respect why I said it. That's the voice I hope is in every blog and touches anything else I might think to create in the future. That's what needs to live so that I can die happy.

[284] Caution: Road Map on Fire

Let’s see if I can bring down the mood.

I want everyone graduating to pay close attention. I’m extremely intrigued by your prospective futures, and if you could do one thing, it is to focus in on how you feel and think as the years pile on quicker than you thought they would. I’m asking this because of how many “old people” I hate. I’m asking so that maybe I can do two things; either figure out why so many clichés exist about life, “I gave up on trying to save the world,” “it’ll be over before you know it,” “that’s just how such and such works” and/or devise what it takes to escape those clichés.

You see, fundamentally, I’m worried. I’m bugged that you’ll end up saying things like the rest of society or feeling as lonely or complacent as the millions of match.com members. I lucked out in my cynicism and hated college and what it stood for two weeks in. This whole “real world” thing has had too much of my commentary and scorn, so graduation for me was just another day. I already expected the worst and low and behold, it can get even worse than my approximations. I think you’re all generally more optimistic about life than I am, and if you go from higher than where I get, to as low as I can go, that’s unsettling.

But, thus is my theory for many if not most dispositions. “I tried, I thought, I hoped, I prayed, I changed, and then it all went to shit.” After a while it’s really easy to want to find a rut. The idea of “settling down” is appealing, not for its truth about your nature, but for the prospect of even the semblance of stability. Or maybe it’s in climbing the ranks of a job; I’m all for loving what you do, I think it’s very easy to forget all the other things you love to do and sometimes easy to start hating what you love to do without even realizing it till things get hairy.

Now, you’re my friends because overwhelmingly you don’t tend to act or think like how I conceive of most people. BUT, you are not immune. I certainly wasn’t and I realize how hard you have to work and how deliberate you have to think in order to avoid “life as we know it” or “life as it is” and keep with “life that I want.” And at least for me, it’s what I hope for you, it just takes so much more time and practice than I think we as a society are even used to. We certainly don’t teach it in school and it’s not what we’re celebrating at commencements.

I know regardless of how things turn out, you’ll survive. It’s hopefully about more than merely surviving and that’s what I wish to keep working at. If/when the world our actual old people created goes to shit or has set us up to live a quarter of the American Dream as it was sold, I’m all for trying to work on something different. Be it a different kind of network or family or work structure or modes of thought or whatever to escape the “comfortable” ruts people find themselves in avoiding having to think about things too much.

Alone, you may be just another college kid with loans, maybe living back home, or maybe starting a job in your field, yet practically an intern to all the scared broke people who’ve been doing it 10 or 20 years longer than you. Just don’t become a slave to that paradigm. And if you start to feel trapped or isolated or bored, I hope you start to think about what can be done together. I see people screwing things up because they feel empty. They lost their ability to decide for themselves. They lost what it means to care. They’ve settled. Please don’t get comfortable. Don’t allow their excuses to become yours. Please don’t squeeze a pebble’s size of happiness for all it’s worth because a bigger rock is too heavy or you’re too tired. This is too important a stage in your life to let it get stolen.

[245] Plotting

I want to talk a little about how I plan to take over the world.

The first thing to be done, as far as I can see, will be to draw a map. If you’re going to correct or change the nature of something, you should understand how its pieces fit together. Problems are interrelated. Poverty exists because somewhere someone is profiting from someone being poor. While it isn’t a horrible idea to start a homeless shelter or something comparable, it isn’t really addressing the core issue. We start wars that have everything to do with energy. We have ridiculous fiscal policies that are directly related to misunderstandings and failures of our legal system and privatization. If you can explain where the money goes and identify who is profiting, you can then know how you need to move your chess pieces.

Luckily, we live in the information age. My only hope for humanity comes from Google. Let me explain. Because information can be stored, copied, compiled and manipulated with clicks of a mouse, significant amounts of it can be distributed very quickly. This is very important for a number of reasons. One, it makes it hard to pin down where and how something started. The number one concern I have is for the safety of myself and the people I care about. If I can get the information working instead of making myself a target, I succeed where many fail when they invent or try to change something.

Secondly, if it is to be believed that people are getting less and less likely to pay attention to anything for more than a few minutes (of this I have many doubts) it allows you to understand things in terms that can stand against even the most vigorous Colbert interviews. You can make qualiasoup-esc shorts for Youtube. You can make inforgraphs. You can compile all the links and resources in easily researchable and clickable ways. Surely, I shouldn’t have to sell you on what the internet is capable of, but I think it’s important to lay out some of the specific ways of outreach.

I want to act like a virus. If you’re going to change something, why not play by the rules that are already getting a response and shift the tides without causing too much of a fuss? When religions were trying to take over the one that came before it they adopted the myths and gods of previous traditions into their own framework. I think I might have enough sense of the American ethos to spin an idea that would make sense in couch-potato terms, or over-worked and under paid terms, or “if only I had the time” terms. Expediency and convenience are a lot of peoples’ guiding light. It’s unrealistic to blow up or boycott gas stations, but if you give each consumer a tool to manipulate and get the most out of the gas they inevitably have to get, you’re winning.

I have a hunch that the more you teach and trust people with, you’ll be “surprised” at how well things can actually run. What’s the alternative? We keep killing the planet, we keep funneling money to the top 1%, we continue to lament all the time and effort lost, and ideas for real change stay firmly locked in documentaries. It gets really old hearing the potential disaster scenarios by enabling and trusting the public. The current state of the world, as my one friend Chet pointed out, is that we have weapons that can wipe out all life on the planet. Explain to me how it gets much worse if we’re talking in terms of potential. Here’s a clue, no matter the state of the world you shouldn’t trust anyone or anything implicitly. Luckily, I don’t play by the rules of trust and forgiveness and stick to results instead.

With my map, I want to identify the clogs in the system. Where will a little information or a little money get things running smoother? There is no end to the problems people face, so how can you fix all of them with the least amount of effort? What I’m learning is that you have to do the Googling for other people. If one can’t recognize or care to acknowledge a problem, you can’t argue or expect anything from them. I’m also trying, with much effort, to learn the amount of informed and willing to fight people that are simply waiting to be enabled properly. A shared burden looks less and less like a problem over time. A ton of people all fighting the same battle from their computer screens is important, but not the kind of impact I’m looking to create.

This brings up another strategy of mine. I will make acts become visible while remaining invisible. I want to be the billionaires of today you’ve never heard of without the burden and anxiety of protecting my empire. I want to have my representatives in the media. I want the “small” changes and adjustments I make around the country or world to make the news. And from what I’ve seen of the news I should be accomplishing this accident let alone with the plans I’d lay out.

Power is simply the control and manipulation of resources. Living in an age where information can reach around the world and back in seconds means the old power paradigm is dying. What are considered to be “resources” will shift and someone will move in to commoditize it. In my view, nothing is more powerful than workable information. This is something that costs arguably nothing. Well before we started making fumbling economies and playing with numbers we don’t understand, our goals were to eat, sleep, fuck, and stay alive. I don’t think the world has to burn over and over again for people to start forming a better perspective of what they are doing with their time and information. You don’t care to wage war when everything you need is available.

For the record, big bubbles on my map will be health/food, education, the environment, and poverty/income disparity. If you or someone you know thinks themselves informed or passionate about one or more of these issues, I’d like to hear from you. It needs to be more than merely teaching people. Getting hands in the dirt is the only long term practical solution in my view. The alternative being us staying perpetually misinformed or disenfranchised being passed around by corrupt corporate ethos. I’d also like to state that this blog exists so that when people say “I never saw it coming” or “I didn’t realize Nick P. was actually serious” we can still get the required amount of irony life so obnoxiously demands.

[131] Walking Contradiction

Thursday, September 11, 2008 at 11:36am 

Let’s be clear from the beginning. The purpose of this blog is for YOUR MERE SPECULATION. After a rather exhilarating, let’s say conversation, it has come to my attention that perhaps I have no idea who in fact I think I am. Do I have emotions? Am I quick to judge? Is there something, a key component to humanity, that I either suppress, deny, or disavow that actively separates me from the happy vibe everyone else is on? I’m really rather intrigued because I had a flurry of accusations about my character hurdled at me tonight and I’d like to see if they are right, especially because I feel they were so emphatically wrong.

I guess I’ll put it this way. Assuming life is a game, if I make people cry and get angry by “doing me,” who “wins” in that conversation? I mean it’s becoming a recurrent theme of me making people cry just by talking with them, and I’m not sure why. Ok, that’s kind of a lie, but me telling you I understand why would only exude my know-it-all arrogance, right?

I guess I will tell you that I regard myself as “perpetually meh.” I’m definitely not depressed, but I’m far from perfectly happy. I actively search out opportunities to laugh and have a good time, and those are exceedingly good times. I don’t know, there really isn’t much to say because all I was really left with was confusion lol, so I’m leaving it up to you to either confirm or deny the things I, honestly can’t remember in whole, but will spark something if I hear again. So again, your thoughts, meager understanding, and wild speculation is what I’m after. And remember kids, its all for fun, you won’t hurt my feelings :).

13 comments

Updated about 2 months ago

Daniel Noah Robbin wroteat 3:12pm on September 11th, 2008 "Am I quick to judge?" Yes, I think so. You're too hard on people with religious faiths. Now, maybe I'm not being correct because I'm not around you on a personal level. I'm just gauging my opinion from what you've written in your Notes. So, if I'm wrong, tell me. My grandmother died peacefully and happily this summer from battling cancer a second time. Throughout her battle, she was ready to die (Though she never lost the will to live) because she knew she was going to heaven whenever her time came. It did on June 19th and out of all the people I have ever met and known, she is the only one I know who would ever deserve to live in eternal paradise. She was the kindest, most generous person I ever knew. Her faith brought her joy in a time of pain and I'm glad for that. Whether I agree with her beliefs or not, I wanted her to die in peace. In its purist form, religions claiming peace, love, and understanding are all fundamentally good. I now know this from experience and I can only hope that others will come to know it too. *I know that religion can also be corrupt and used for acts of a malicious nature but I'm speaking outside of that spectrum for now.* Report - Delete

Daniel Noah Robbin wroteat 3:16pm on September 11th, 2008 So, I guess my main point is this: Be patient with those who disagree with you. As long as they aren't hurting themselves or anyone else, there should be no problem. :) Report - Delete

Byron R. Turner II (McKendree) wroteat 3:32pm on September 11th, 2008 "Am I quick to judge?" Fuck yea you are, but there is no reason to waste time on a person stuck in their religion box. All I have to say about who you are is that your are NICK. The asshole, the heartless relgion basher, the go geter, the good cop,smooth talker. People look at your surface and assume that that is your whole being, as is the case for most people. But that is not true, why should you be super happy anyway. Are you content with your position in life, I know I'm not and I'm not going to be happy to I reach my goals which I assume is the same for. So, I guess my main point is: Be a asshole to those who disagree with you. As long as they are around they are hold you back . Do what you can to crush people like that, because if you don't try to correct them who will. Their influence already has infultrated our lifes, someone has to stand against them. Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 3:48pm on September 11th, 2008 Daniel, I feel I must clarify. Your grandmothers situation is one I would obviously not go after nor feel obligated to inform her of my ideals as she's about to die. Yes, to that end it made her happy, didn't harm anybody, all is well. When it comes to people hurting themselves, this could be a long answer but I'll try to sum it up. When your taught as a child the very idea of eternal hellfire for thought crimes, I feel it is quite obvious the mental harm you cause yourself stressing over whether or not you will end up there. I can both attest to this and have seen the support programs for people well into their 60's and 70's who still suffer from such mental anguish. When it comes to patience, I don't feel I could be anymore patient. I have spent months talking to people who eventually forced me to leave the conversation with statements about how they would have their children killed and why apes aren't talking. I spend hours compiling links and information for those I feel might be better understood after having watching it only to get ignored and answered with some non sequiter argument or tantrum. I source check everything someone gives me that is actual evidence as well. When it comes to me judging, I think we should investigate under what circumstances I do, and what prompted me to come to any conclusion as a result of it. Something I tried to explain to the gentleman last night, I make predictions for people. When those people confirm the prediction, I find it harder to respect them. Also, I generally get a flurry of thoughts, again thoughts, that judge the shit out of everyone I meet. If I see behavior that reinforces those initial thoughts, I don't feel guilty or wrong for being "judgmental" because they've only confirmed my initial speculations. It isn't as if I fold my arms and say "All fat people are lazy and not worth talking to, or anybody who claims a religion is automatically deluded and has nothing to say to me." Delete

Daniel Noah Robbin wroteat 3:51pm on September 11th, 2008 Like I said, I don't know you personally enough. Thanks for the explanation. You're on a good trek towards self-realization, it seems. Keep at it! Oh, and my name is Noah. No need to be professional, Nick. Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 3:53pm on September 11th, 2008 Byron, quite obviously I agree. I don't want to waste my time with people who I can't even vaguely see will be worth it. I'm never content, I just am, another point most people can't catch too readily. I like the word crush, but I aim to take it a step farther and provide a platform from which they can rebuilt themselves. Key theme, them being aware and actively choosing who they are and what decisions will reflect their aim. Also, I fully agree, if I don't try, I can't expect anybody else to, nor feel warranted in bitching about them in the first place. Delete

Billy Bowman (Bloomington, IN) wroteat 8:33pm on September 11th, 2008 Alrite Nick, anyone hurling accusations at you is only doing so because.. well, you were probably being you, and offended them, and they just couldn't handle that. Not your fault, some people just can't take criticism. I'd say you have emotions, just not the same mind set as most so they may see you as cold and emotionless, especially since you yourself are 'too science minded' to by into emotions being much more then chemical reactions, neurons, etc. As for quick to judge, I really don't think you are. You judge people, there's no doubt about that, but considering just how much you THINK about everything, the reading you've done, seminars you've attended, people you watch, you're not doing so quickly by any means. You really seem to gather your information quite carefully, and once you have it all, and whomever your victim might be is feeling smug, in all likelihood thinking they've left you stunned and speechless, you use all that information to unleash a hellstorm of judgment. As far as your arrogance and wanting to 'wins' conversation goes, i don't see it. I suppose it is arrogant to think of yourself as more informed, but it's really the reality of the situation. I dare anyone to challenge the amount of material you've gone through to get to where you stand to day. I sure as hell couldn't. I've never seen you attempt to win a conversation, only either try to inform someone, or at least get them to try to inform themselves (which probably comes off as "i'm fucking smarting then you, listen to me damnit" because people are dumb as hell, and really are pretty closed minded) OR.. make yourself laugh, no matter who you offend. In a related note, if i were to criticize 99% of the people i know in this fashion, they'd hate me for at least a week, which shows something about your character. Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 8:49pm on September 11th, 2008 Lol the weirdest thing about the conversation is that I wasn't criticizing the person, I was just explaining who I am and why his assessment wasn't correct. Delete

Billy Bowman (Bloomington, IN) wroteat 8:52pm on September 11th, 2008 ..So.. They just started hurling accusations? Report - Delete

Colin Hampton wroteat 9:09pm on September 11th, 2008 Having only known you for a week or so now, I would have to say, while you are quick to judge in some cases, you are usually correct in your assumptions about people. Unfortunately for a few of us, people (including myself at times) generally acquiesce to certain stereotypes that demean humanity as a whole. As such, we are easily grouped into rather bland collections. As for your being adept at cracking down on people with religious views, you obviously know that there is a time and place for such things and that under certain circumstances, it is unacceptable even by your lax standards. You have just as much a right to speak your mind on your religion, or lack there of. In any since, you are a good guy. You are a great friend to many, and, as I have personally seen, you do not hesitate to help someone else out when you are able. I know its cliche, but don't change you for anyone but you. Keep doing what you're doing. Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 9:19pm on September 11th, 2008 Mr. Bowman, Ya lol kinda. Tried to analyze me and whatnot. And yes, all I can do to stay sane is keep laughing. Colin, Thank you sir, I ain't changin :) Delete

Rosalina Elliott wroteat 9:51pm on September 11th, 2008 Alrighty Nick, this is my time to jump in... No shit, you judge people. Everyone at one point in their lives will judge people. There is no innocent person here that can say that they do not do that. However, here is the point that differs you from everyone though: You are not afraid to tell people your judgements. It can come off as rude at times because it may not be "socially acceptable" to do so. We already had a conversation about this topic previously, but I will restate some points and add some new ones. You say these things to (A) because you just want to say something about the topic (B) want to get a good/bad reaction from what you say (C) you actually want to have an (gasp) intelligent non-rehearsed conversation with someone or (D) I think you want to have a conversation with someone that can stand up for themselves and possibly shock you with a new idea. Random side note, you can come off as intimidating because of the strong stances you take. I give you kudos though because your judgements are created after careful thought and usually are dead on. As for the warm touchy feely emotions, you do have them. You showed the bad side of it when that stupid girl came in front of your car. I think you do show the good side of it when people do wrong to your friends. Most people don't get to see or care to take the time to look for that side. Keep writing. Whether or not people agree with what you say, at least it is interesting... Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 10:19pm on September 11th, 2008 I must say, I rather enjoy these assessments. I do appreciate you taking the time to offer your inputs. Ms. Rosie, I will indeed keep writing, especially since the one time I tried to stop I went damn near insane lol. I'm glad you put in (D) because that really is one of my main focuses that gets quickly overlooked. Ultimately, I'd like people to just learn, and most importantly be honest, about themselves, because after that they'll know everything they need to know about me :).

[125] Deeply Disjointed

Monday, August 25, 2008 at 5:49am

I can't remember a night where I haven't sat up, stared into space, and thought about everything. It's so quiet in my world. I'm never quite sure of what to say or do about it. I feel like everything I've ever done has been in spite of something or particularly someone. There is no one drive or voice that compels me to achieve or want anything “more.” I've always just been making choices, and the world has reacted around me.

When you feel like you could become anything, then what are you? If every emotion is a choice, how empty does the notion of following your heart become? Maybe the value comes from choice in and of itself. If that choice comes from the same empty and impartial place, no dignity really remains in it. I prepare for my choices to disappoint me in advance. I can't be let down nor surprised because I've settled on an inability to trust anybody or anything. Any one moment could be your last is not just an ominous cliché, but something I actively try to prepare for. I watch as the guy speeding to the red light barrels into my car sending my skull through the widow. I stand in front of the desperate gunman as his eyes lock in telling me I'm gone before he's pulled the trigger. I don't believe it's crazy to just think like this as a matter of fact. I don't feel depressed by it, I don't feel scared. I just acknowledge it, and it leaves me empty.

I don't know how to feel about growing accustomed to this emptiness. I can still find the greatest joy in laughing about, lets simply say "inappropriate," things. I love to get lost in stories and movies, and the right song at the right time is practically surreal. But what is the emptiness? I'm not even eager to fill it. I speculate that this is the sort of thing mothers try to fill by having a child. Do they not realize they've just created a mini them? If there wasn't a way to fill it prior to a genetic copy of yourself, you've only doubled your problem. Maybe I'm just confused about the feeling. Perhaps when some grand epiphany is reached the idle person within will flow like the Amazon. No, that seems too dramatic.

“Maybe you just have a lack of God, Nick!” Because I'm sure someone is thinking it. Short answer, tried that, didn't work, you’re wrong. Maybe the notion of “purpose” has been so dramatically emphasized within our psyches and society, that by the time we've evolved enough to understand the futility in looking for one, it leaves an artificial hole. Now this, I find intriguing and frankly am kinda proud I just came up with that. Given that our minds can and do play all kinds of tricks we generally ignore, why is it so far-fetched to think I've simply come to acknowledge this one? The plain truth, is that I recognize my life to be simply amazing as well as fulfilling, and reflect on it constantly. Given that I have no emotional attachment to this hole, nor any logical reason that could reinforce it, I almost certainly have to accept it as an anomalous pitfall of my psyche.

How peculiar.

In truth, I feel as if my main agenda to make money is to stifle boredom. I want to put my “I'm good at everything” abilities to the test, and be able to compete in a myriad of sports, learn all kinds of skills, and essentially master as many things as I can. I love to show off, and my house would be the perfect archetype to insight “wow,” “are you serious,” and “I never would've imagined” comments. I want to activate minds. I'd love to be a source of inspiration by exhausting every faculty I had towards expressing artistically what I never feel I get right in words. I can only be me, and if it comes at the expense of others I can't find sympathy. I know that any time I've felt abused for something, I made the choice to go along. Those that can realize this are no longer being abused and those feelings become unjustifiable. We're all fated to live at the expense of one another anyway, and focusing it doesn't make it anymore “wrong or right.”

Now I suppose I can reveal to you my secret quest to find “real” people to travel with me on this adventurous life. So cliché no? So real, that they have become like minded, not because they emulate me or my actions, but because they've come to the same sort of understanding. What makes me constitute myself as real? One word, honesty. It isn't hard to recognize fake and shell people, and it hasn't been hard for me to recognize and relate with the real ones. This might help you understand why I force myself into discussions with the religious. I'm ever searching for that real person to come out and show themselves to themselves. That, and it's very rarely a boring endeavor. I think the bloggers who read over their work forty times before they publish it, and constantly change words so as to weed out any hint of bullshit or misunderstanding, are pushing themselves to that kind of honesty. If it takes fifty comments for you to believe in what you’re saying, give up.

Giving up. Something many people need to properly take part in.

1 comment

Updated about 2 months ago

Cara Zimmerman (Chicago, IL) wroteat 3:06pm on August 26th, 2008 I think this is the best note you've written so far.

[103] One Just Isn't Enough

Tuesday, July 8, 2008 at 6:27am |

I'm an asshole because I don't try. Whatever I say, do, think, or vaguely feel is a direct result of how I perceive any given moment. I sometimes think I'm like a robot who just sits and analyzes, yet has the ability to choose and shape a situation any number of ways. I think I made someone feel really bad tonight because I was completely honest about my "ability"/ tendency w/e to do this. I can only get along with people who are completely capable of still being themselves despite whatever it was I could say or do to them. It isn't about not caring about them, but it is about caring about yourself. This is a really confusing concept for people to understand and it seemingly always leads to them thinking I don't like or respect anything about what they say to me. I guess all I can say to that is that there is no question about my level of disdain for humanity as a whole, but my one to one relationship with any given person always has the potential to be understood at the same level. This level can only be reached when neither person in the relationship is dependent on the other. I should never be able to say or do anything that would prevent you from saying, "Alright fuck this guy, its time to go" and never care to talk to me again. The deeper thing that matters here is that you actually have to believe that under no circumstances could you be compelled to even try, whether you actually did or didn't again. Being absolutely sure that you understand your ability to not do it, but absolutely sure that you still could for any reason.

I have this nature that wants to play with people. I don't blame it or excuse my actions because of it. If someone says they like me for example, or more often, its pretty obvious they've taken a shine, it doesn't seem to matter whether I actually really like them back or not, I'll just kinda carry myself along and see what happens. It's almost like I make a game out of it. The thing is is that I get more competitive in some board games than I would in one of these situations. I'm not pitted against anything besides myself and next remarks to be made at any given time. Now contrary to what you may believe about when someone is "playing" with someone else, I'm not out to hurt anybody. I do not wish to make everyone I ever meet angry or resentful that they felt anything towards me. I'm not trying to simply use them as some play thing or sex doll w/e the situation may be. I guess the worst part about me during these times is I can be completely honest about what I'm doing or meant by something, and it will either go completely over their head or glance off their crush armor.

I think after having felt so deeply for someone in the past and having it projected back as though I was just a meager love sick puppy reinforces how little regard I have for what people's feelings are telling them. When I can find someone who is so naturally trying to "play" me, then I know they understand that something more I try to explain to people. This doesn't just have to happen with the whole boy girl relationship either. My best friend is the one who says "You know, I probably wouldn't take that bullet for you." We both invest in our self interest, which sometimes means we are in agreement and sometimes not, and then all kinds of weird shit like talking without talking and independently noticing random shit at the same time starts to kick in. Some would say this just comes from hanging out all the time, yet I've hung out with many other "friends" for much longer periods of time and never feel like we're on the same wavelength. I think the only thing that can really bring people together like that is an undying honesty about how much they care about their own interests.

It's not about being "selfish" as much as it is acknowledging the power within your individual self. Trust me it isn't the same thing. If you can't count on your ability to make yourself content/happy at any given time or in any situation, then you’re doing it wrong. While no one is obviously emotionless, how you direct and think about them is what tells you what you need to know about yourself. I think about right now. Right now I really do hate the path humanity is on, I hate how we think, I hate how I find myself with nothing to do, I hate thinking that most of my relationships are fabricated on the premise of nice words and well placed jokes. I am not a sad or depressed person though. I won't lose any sleep with these thoughts ping ponging in my head. I won't get angry at just who's ever around or throw some sort of fit. I'm already happier about something "higher" than that. I can recognize my hatred for what is in and be happy that I can do whatever I want with the energy it gives me. I'm alive, hear and now, or at least feel that way, and can recognize and direct anything to anything by any means. This is the greater truth that matters to me when I talk to people. If they can understand that then I can't hurt them; nor will they any longer think that I'm trying to.

So if you don't care about me, do it because you actually don't care and not in retaliation to what you think you know about what I care about you. It isn't about me, it's about you. Until you realize this you'll never understand why it doesn't feel like I'm appreciating your "friendship."

6 comments

Updated about 4 months ago

David M.L. Jaffe wroteat 3:15pm on July 8th, 2008

You have got to be the deepest person I know and have ever known.

"If you can't count on your ability to make yourself content/happy at any given time or in any situation, then your doing it wrong." I'm not too sure about this statement though. Medically depressed people (chemical imbalances, not emos) have a hard time getting themselves to be happy. Pair that with anxiety and stress problems, and it's even harder. I'm not sure if I have depression yet (haven't gone in for a diagnosis), but it's really hard to make myself happy. I have mental stress/anxiety problems, and often depression for some unknown reason.

Now of course if we're talking about just another "normal" person in society with a decent life and no problems, then sure, they should be able to at least do something to be content. Unfortunately, society has weened themselves to rely on others for comfort, causing clingyness and low self-reliance. I guess we're just another race heading to extinction. Good day, good sir.

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David M.L. Jaffe wroteat 3:17pm on July 8th, 2008

On a side note, there's nothing wrong with appearing as an asshole. I've been called that also. But as long as you're a freakin' sweet asshole who knows what you're talking about, I see no problem.


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Nick P. wroteat 7:38pm on July 8th, 2008

Ya, generally when I make statements like that I'm referring to people who have "normal", whatever that may mean, brain chemistry and haven't just become really good at making excuses for their behavior. When I thought I might be depressed or nihilistic I just read more Nietzsche and learned the inherent contradictions in how I was thinking.

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David M.L. Jaffe wroteat 8:02pm on July 8th, 2008

Nietzche, eh? I wanted to get into reading, anything you'd recommend by him?


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Nick P. wrote at 8:10pm on July 8th, 2008

I got through most of The Will to Power, the Walter Kauffman translation which has a lot of those really good "one paragraphers" that are pretty direct and thought provoking. I read Thus Spoke Zarathurstra which wasn't bad, but I had to read it kind of slowly. I just started Beyond Good and Evil which has so far been good, but I haven't read enough into it to get a really good idea, but it is hailed as one of his best and most famous.

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Pauline Laorden (Merrillville Senior High School) wroteat 10:07pm on July 8th, 2008

nick, i think college did you wrong. lol jk