[225] Courage Of Your Convictions

I can’t even sit and read.

For as much as I tend to rant or blog, it amazes me how little people can truly appreciate how I think or feel. I’d like to believe that when I say something a hundred ways a thousand times, it’s me refining my argument or building up the proper method of how I’m going to deal with something. My refinements never seem to be met with anything other than the same old tired ideas.

“You’re soooooooooooooooo close!”

Close to fucking what! I’m close to spending $70,000 fucking dollars for a degree in something I have no intention or desire to study further. Stop fucking telling me how close I am! Here, sit in a room with a paddle ball. Do it four just an hour a day. I don’t care how good you get at it. Just paddle, and don’t stop for four years. The thoughts you have after the first 10 minutes of this activity are the same ones I’ve had throughout these four fucking years. I can’t think of a bigger display of hating myself and woe than proving over and over again that I can learn arbitrary shit, apply it to arbitrary questions, and fucking hate everything about myself and the time I’ve spent doing it. What do you do to an animal that’s suffering? You kill it. I don’t even have to die to feel overwhelmingly better about what I’m doing with my time and money.

Maybe that analogy wasn’t good enough. Climb a mile high pile of shit. Every time you plunge your hand in, just think about how close you are. Ignore the smell and never mind your clothes. It doesn’t matter how many times you fall or slip, just keep pushing, digging, and fighting for the top. Once you get there, TADA! OMG YOU MADE IT. Covered in shit, cheering at the top of the mountain, please continue to explain to me how much better I’ll be looking like you.

“People won’t respect you if you don’t get a degree.”

I don’t want to work for or anywhere near a person who bases their level of respect on your grades or the titles of your classes. Tell me, theoretical future employer, you may have talked to some of my friends or can read my facebook notes. Can you respect what I’ve learned in the psychological field? Do you think my “skills” will transfer to balancing the books of the Sears or Kohl’s you want me to manage? Have I finally made myself worthy by proving that I could condition myself to hate every minute of my life and still perform a task? That’s what you’re looking for right? You want to make sure I’m so well rounded, rounded the point of an amorphous shell of who I once was so that you can dictate how I should fit into a company.

This goes further. Both my uncles have degrees. Both are unemployed. This notion that degree equals job is simply bullshit, especially today. A degree equals a job on shaky ground. A job that may or may not last till the next month. A job that is dictated by someone who may or may not have the best idea of how to run it or how to relate to you. I don’t want “a job.” I want my job. Something I’ll be actually good at for reasons dependent on me.  Anyone can crunch your numbers or follow a company directive; only you can maintain your relationships and foster growth or productivity from them.  I’ve heard enough of the horror stories of waking up dead. Dead to the world, realizing what you’ve become and where you’ve put yourself. How do I justify pushing myself closer and closer to such a reality?

It’s never been about ability, and that’s the problem. No one puts on like they care about what I’m capable of. They don’t act like my specific knowledge is necessary or relevant. If the one person that has to care is me, then so be it. When someone talks about how important the degree is, to me, it’s like saying “you know, the 3 and half years and 3.3 gpa, that’s all shit and doesn’t matter, the degree, now THAT will stick out.” The irony of course being that, to me, it doesn’t matter, but the context they’re pushing for, the one that needs those things, is the one they haphazardly dismiss.

It’s all about your philosophy. Do you think it’s about fitting into a society you don’t agree with because “that’s life” or do you maintain the struggle to fight against things you can show to be inadequate, destructive, and soul crushing? Are you about progressing down a line or growing as a person? I’d rather abstain from something than be a hindrance. More importantly, I’d rather be the proper tool.

IF, IF and when I graduate, it will mean nothing. If someone starts a sentence with “because you graduated you’re so and so qualified” I’m going to go with “you’re an idiot.” If someone tries to explain to me how necessary it is for me to open and that college broadened my horizon and perspective, I’m going to go back to the chorus and proclaim you’re a fucking idiot. I’m not a person because I know random facts. I’m not qualified because I answer questions we already know the answers to. I should only garner respect and admiration for choosing to do things and choosing to do them well. Anything less, or worse, the complete fucking opposite (you know like I’m doing in school), should make you sad or pissed off at what’s being wasted. But again, I’m the only one that needs to care about me.

Do I wander around campus looking for a party with Kesha blaring and a fridge full of PBR? No, I create a party house. I play topless pong, experiment with sheesha flavors, build a relationship with a badass DJ and accommodate guests. Do I think noisy chains or crazy hair says anything about how well I can do in school or run a coffee shop? Fuck no, and for those who do, the idea of looking a certain way and doing even better than a “normal” person could, frankly, gets me off. The management skills I fought for working at a theater I’ll translate into how I  run a coffee shop or any fucking else thing I want to run. I’ll bank on the relationships I foster because I MADE THEM.

[224] Talk To Your Teachers

I had a fairly interesting conversation with my P466 teacher not 20 minutes ago. I’ve learned that teachers are pissed off at how the university corrals students who aren’t qualified or caring into their courses.

I hope I haven’t undersold the idea that I do believe that most teachers are trying their best to teach you and actually care if you learn something. A phrase that stuck out from my teacher was “it’s bigger than you or me.” She had to cancel a class that she spent 15 hours preparing each class for. I have to spend four months in a class that I’m barely interested in and don’t have much a clue how to understand. I think her problem is worse. The real point is that they are both bad situations and I don’t think we should both have to resolve ourselves to the fucked up nature of it all when there is a bigger problem that can alleviate both of ours.

I’m an advocate of as close to one on one teaching as possible. You get to have an actual relationship with the person you’re working with and find out the best methods to teach them. If you are really passionate about a topic you can get specific answers or focus on specific questions. You get to structure the goals and pace of the course to your needs instead of just taking in information and spitting it out piece meal. A refreshing thing to hear from my teacher was that this is how her classes used to be conducted. She used to have kids who really wanted to take her course and could handle the technical jargon and wanted to go on to study the topic later in life.

At least one significant problem is at the university level. This semester is special. The class had to open itself up so that enough seniors could graduate on time. You either take the only class available to you, or you arrange to stay another semester or the summer etc. Does this not seem foolish on its face?

So you want kids to graduate. Maybe it isn’t explicitly about money because, as my teacher pointed out, a few kids here or there dropping out or taking an extra course or two doesn’t really matter in the end. (I still think there is something to be said about the money, but she may have some insight I don’t know.) How can you say you care about someone’s education when you’re willing to put them in a class designed to be over their head and outside of their interests? How can you not see how many kids are enrolling and appropriate classes or requirements in a smarter way?

College is supposed to be the place where you can get technical and learn the things that you simply can’t learn on your own.

This line stuck out as well in our conversation. The technical jargon of biology or a medical field, you almost certainly can’t learn alone. The cutting edge experiments and new labels of genes, diseases, etc…isn’t going to be in your Google searches. If this is a ridiculously smart teacher expressing this sentiment, why does college feel and act like it wants to pump you full of random facts and requirements and kick you out the door? Yes, you can be “open” to all sorts of things and pull some form of potentially helpful information anywhere you go and from every teacher you talk to. I think every time I get told to just “be open” or “deal with it” people are missing the point.

When you dedicate your time, effort, and money towards something, especially something that acts under the guise of truly caring about your time, effort, and money, it shouldn’t be a “deal with it” or “struggle to get something out of it” relationship. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t work hard. I don’t think that you won’t have to adjust. I simply think there should be a higher standard that this institution holds itself to. It should literally be in the business of empowering and enabling. I really do think that the good will and societal philosophy that “education is good” get subverted by business interests. I think no matter what you think you are or aren’t getting out of school, it is in some way correlated with someone who’s got more power and more money than you do and how they think the school should run.

This is beginning to sound conspiracy theorist-y. Of course it could be something else. We could just collectively be too non-caring or stupid to identify the actual problems. Enough people could just be happy with how things are run, have their own excuses or explanations and would never work to change things. Maybe I’m one of a handful of people who’s really this frustrated about the topic with not much a plan or strict evidence to back up my claims. I tend to think that it’s actually a combination of every story you could tell, to some extent, and hardly anyone is qualified enough to sort through it all and decide a course of action.

I am glad though to hear from my teacher that she specifically structures the course and grades easily so that it’s more about you trying to get something out of the course than being lost and worried about failing. She, like most teachers, will beg you to come to office hours. They don’t do it for the money. I just think their efforts are being subverted. You’re vulnerable when you care and aren’t thinking about how to fuck people.

I don’t want to pretend like I don’t see a problem or would rather ignore it for the sake of my other interests. I don’t want to resolve myself to adages about how “that’s life.” I don’t want to think people are more evil than they are. I’d really hate to think I’m carrying on about something that isn’t a problem for the sake of knocking down some personal demon I’m hell bent on making everyone’s problem as well. But it’s like, every time someone complains about a bad teacher, testifies to how little they remember or understand in a class, recount all the time they spent on some topic to barely pass, go into thousands of dollars’ worth of debt, are unable to find a job, and can, without much prompting, get teachers to complain just as long and hard about what’s happening to them, is it safe to say there’s something to try and fix beyond their subjective experience?

[216] Taking To The Streets

I wanted to sleep tonight, but when trying to meditate I became invigorated by an idea. That idea was taking to the streets. My heart races at the prospect of owning a megaphone and throwing more passion behind my words than I ever imagine blogging could do. After all, I’m a showman. I love to engage and challenge and argue. I, more than anything else, want to be a very poignant and standing example of how I honestly think. And let me tell you why.

I am not afraid to be wrong. I am conspicuously honest. I am perpetually happy.

I think many of the details about people’s lives become fairly irrelevant, at least for me, if they manage these categories. Now, the idea that kept me awake was ::drumroll:: bitching about school on the road to Ballantine. I make no secret of how much I despise being in school, my problem is, I only have my, and a handful of my friends’ perspectives. So, how exciting would it be to take oversized questionnaire billboards and ask passer-bys their perspective? Quite exciting indeed. I already have an opening speech lined up:

“Excuse me ladies and gentlemen! My name is Nick P. and I am a senior here at IU. To my left, I have a few oversized billboards with questions I am desperate to get answers for from you. You may have also noticed this handy dandy camera sitting here. This is to collect your stories and perspectives of your time in school. You see, I have this problem, and it’s illustrated in my first question up there. I hate fucking school. So, I ask you, ladies and gentlemen, do you feel the same? Now, before you think I’m just some stoner hippie who has snapped, take a look at this list of things I concede. It reads: I concede some teachers are amazing. I concede some students retain most of what is taught. I concede that teachers, administrators, etc. are not necessarily “evil” or of the mind and will to screw you.

God forbid I am unclear, for I am not taking aim at your teachers, or your futures, or personal decisions, I am making an enemy of a system of thought. I reject the idea that it takes four years and forty thousand dollars for you to be a worthy and productive member of society. I reject the idea that school is living up to its purpose and ideals you expect from it. In the place of what I reject I wish to forward some ideas as well. I am a believer in dramatic and quick change. Efficiency. I believe that passion fuels the best work. Therefore my goal is to work towards enabling passionate and efficient people towards their goals. I want to create a discourse that leads to results.”

If it has to start somewhere, why not the random crazy haired guy with a megaphone? If ridiculous preachers can garner a full page article in the IDS every year or every semester, why can’t I bring the conversation to something I find more relevant and potentially helpful? If I take a note from my time working with Daniel, I want to get your school story. What are kids saying about their classes, assignments, fears and passions that can’t be answered on a survey? What is school teaching people about life or themselves? And why shouldn’t we expect something that takes so much time, effort, money, and sacrifice to play a role in these things?

As with any idea that keeps me awake or makes my heart race, I like to set it down, turn away, and see if I’m just as motivated a day or two later. Before I jump into the self-indulgent pageantry of yelling through a megaphone, I can just set this idea here and hopefully glean some ideas on how to make it better or more relevant before I hit the pavement. So, what do you think?

[214.10] Roll Over

I’m proposing a challenge. Help me drop out of college

I’m staring two papers (total 10 pages) two midterms (total bullshit) in the face and all I can think about is how bad I want to drop out of this fucking place. I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of my life. “Of course” I always am, and to all of you go-getters that say “Do everything you want in your free time just make sure to get the school work done” you clearly don’t appreciate how disgusting I feel dedicating any of my time towards school.

I want to start businesses. It’s a simple enough goal. I want to provide a service, make something, or entertain people for money. Whether it’s introducing rich kids to my hot friends dressed scantily, building custom pong tables, or helping start a coffee shop, it hasn’t taken anyone four years of random classes and unrealistic expectations to wrap their head around this process.

Presumably we are in school for a reason. We are arming ourselves with knowledge to “compete” with our fellow man for the ever decreasing number of jobs and opportunities. We are becoming “well-rounded” and “manageable.” The connections and resources we take away are supposed to influence everything, if only being able to email an old professor. When you achieve in school you matter just a notch more in society and can look down your nose at all those who’ve yet to swallow the amounts you have.

I have more than a few issues with that premise. Let’s take for granted it isn’t evil or purely designed for fucking me and my parents out of thousands of dollars. If you are so passionate about something you can think of no better time than sitting and reading old papers and theorizing new tests to run to further your field, go to college. If you want to be a number on a ledger in a corporate office and consistently told how to manage or behave or look, go to college. If you want to be a doctor, go to college. Anyone else is here out of tradition. Even our prestigious music school will almost certainly never place you anywhere beyond a feeder orchestra maybe making enough for a cheap apartment.

Every day I participate. Every day I shut up and deal, I feel as if I’m actively killing how I actually believe and am struggling to express while still immersed. I care absolutely nothing about how wrong the earliest philosophers and psychologists were about the nature of reality. I could never even persuade myself to care about why stereotypes of men and women exist and how blind we believe we are to advertising. Please oh please make me suffer a 26 year old p.h.d. teacher “skim” an explanation of evolution when I’d put money on at least 10% of the class not even believing in it.

Because we invest so much of our focus in this structure and it being the “only” or “best” way to achieve stability and happiness, we completely ignore and deny the conversations and relationships that could be shaping our current realities. Because there is no money is happiness and creativity. You always need an initial investment, or person to fill in some blank of knowledge. Once you’re “stable and mature” you’ll be capable of taking such risks and having fun with what you always dreamed you’d be doing. Of course by that time you’re 35 and have made much more impactful, and dare I say damning, decisions that provide all the excuses you’ll ever need.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to kill myself over a 7 page paper discussing how people qualify the words sex and gender. I will derive no happiness; I will feel invaluable and wasted. It’s not something I could even remotely have reason to persuade myself to be happy about. And yet, I will watch and feel myself die a little more and struggle to tie together random papers and bullshit to fulfill the requirement and pass. I’m not sure why anymore. I thought it was to perpetuate my current lifestyle, but I could get a job and pay the bills. It’s not to impress parents. It’s not that I secretly do want to go into psychology. And it certainly isn’t the case that I have nothing better to do. Someone please explain to me why I lead such a contradictory lifestyle.

The whole problem is feeling like I have no purpose. I of course subscribe to a ton of purposes, but everything about being in school screams to me the idea that I’m not in control. My choices only matter insofar as they can let me bitch, but still hand over the cash. I can hate to my heart’s content as long as I’m “still doing what I have to do.”

It was here that I originally posted the opening lines of this blog. I want to enable and be enabled. I won’t leave to circle jerk my way around some pet project or ill-conceived dream. I won’t leave to jump right into the fast food or retail chain. I’m not joining the Peace Corps or randomly backpacking the world to find myself. I want to be put to meaningful work. I want to generate a profit. I want to be an example. If you know the people or the projects that want the same things I’m asking for your help to get connected with them. Here’s a secret, this isn’t a hidden world I desperately need to be introduced to, and will almost certainly involve your wishes, dreams and desires.

Of all the material things I could need to start a proper business, of all the know-how I never got in college, I will never escape the guilt of wasted time. No, assuming I really do need to pass midterms and turn in these papers it isn’t realistic to spend 8 hours a day playing guitar and drums. No, when I’m in class during normal business hours, I can’t spend two hours on the phone with the IRS trying to wrap my head around one of ten numbers that tell the government I’m legal. When you’ve got that job maybe jumping paycheck to paycheck it’s not hard to believe that making it out to city hall to hopefully run into someone that matters and can explain to you grants and zoning starts to seem impossible.

It isn’t just your “endless drive and spirit” that gets you places. You need time to focus. You need people to share the burden. You have to know the politics and personalities that will carry into all the future work you do. I can’t pretend that people who succeed to such notoriety or power didn’t have someone open a door or two. Yes, I hold the responsibility to act, but I reserve the right to act efficiently and purposefully. I’ve seen what a few hours or a handful of the “right” people can do to a situation. I’m under no delusion about the value of school or work for work’s sake.

To a greater extent, everything I want I already have. The only missing piece is feeling the pursuit of more. Being able to express how I feel about my life and the people I’ve let into it in a much more grandiose capacity than house parties. How terrible it would be for so much potential to stay trapped in my head.

[171] Fuck Tests

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 at 8:53pm

What do tests measure? The basic answer is somewhere along the lines of your aptitude in some subject. They are supposed to show that you can manage time, pick up new concepts, and retain them long enough to get your gold star. I've rallied against tests as long as I can remember, but haven't gone into as much detail for why I hate them so. My recent bomb of a law test will be prompting my digression for my arguments.

One of the most obvious problems I have with getting tested on material is the amount you are supposed to "learn." My law class for example has us read maybe ten pages before class. These ten pages have "relevant" information, at least with regards to a question he may pose to us, sometimes in every other line. Not only are we told to be responsible for this information, we're questioned about the cases that arise as stumbling blocks planted within each section. With law, as I'm quickly learning, you may have pretty straightforward definitions and methodologies, but simply knowing, or at least thinking you know, what that word means, does not mean you can apply it to some theoretical case that may or may not lie within some unsound assumptions. I've only watched documentaries and read about people who are able to take in, retain, and recite back this amount of information, and they all had some form of autism. Also, and I've said this before, if the "answers" are truly in our book, or can be found through google, or quoted back from our autistic friends, the test is only showing us how bad or good we can be playing pretend that we won't have resources. Furthermore, at least with law, you find that those "answers" aren't quite readily available regardless.

The next problem I have is with the types of tests were subjected to. It's relatively understood that if you memorize the answers to multiple choice questions, odds of you missing that question again, if it is presented in even remotely the same way, are not very high. Most of the time I find myself testing my ability to guess and deduce bubble patterns the professor may have slipped in to be ironic. The answer can be wrong or right, without any regard as to how the person was thinking or came to their conclusion. Test don't teach you or make an accurate assessment of how you think. For this they have "short-answer" or essay questions which basically test to see if you can fit in subjective key words the teacher is looking for, and refrain from using l33t text or writing "u" instead of you. The subjective nature behind grading those tests is rarely questioned but still riddled with petty favoritism and writing aesthetic preference.

Another huge issue I have with these things is all that they do not show. A test doesn't tell you if the person is an asshole who regardless of his memorizing abilities would never get a job given his demeanor and propensity to doosh-baggery. It doesn't tell you if that person is wildly imaginative, well connected, or has an unassailable motivation to push their potentially revolutionary self as far as it will go. It doesn't show the caliber of each teacher. It doesn't show how or what would convey to that student the information your school is so desperately trying to get you to learn. Tests completely muddy the idea that maybe you did pick up a lot or did in fact learn from your class, and that it is merely unlucky that the concepts you were questioned about were your Achilles heel. Tests don't even imply that there are other ways of going about living "the good life" or getting somewhere, because if they did, they'd test themselves out of existence.

I also disagree with what tests are "supposed" to tell you and your potential employer. Tests imply, at least when not passed, that you did "bad." They imply that your lazy, unmotivated, and slow to learn. The rational for these tests, keeping everyone on equal playing ground, pits you against people on this inadequate system's terms. Your now not as good as the kid next to you. Your not as capable. You just aren't "with it" or "worth it" in the same way as the ones who are "smarter." In my opinion, this isn't a competition that can be won. For those of you who know how strongly I endorse natural selection, particularly with regards to us, I'm not speaking against competition or means of measuring you against your fellow man, I simply think that tests and grades are an abhorrent ways of assessing that measurement.

I get done watching Slumdog Millionaire feeling ever resolved to elaborate in as many details just how badly this bothers me. A show where the "smarter" you are the more money you can make, turned on its ass by a kid who lived a dramatic, interesting, and compelling life relying on personal experience and guessing to win. No, I don't want the life that kid had, but yes I wish I had the freedom or system to work within that allowed me to learn and live in an equally compelling way.

I suppose my biggest problem, and this is intricately tied in with the school system itself and how people think, is that testing contributes to the litany of things distracting us from living productive and happy lives. When your focused on the test your not focused on utilizing what it is you have learned really well, or what may be intricately tied to your personality and potential. Your forced to subject yourself to their rules and their assessment. My P199 class harps endlessly with speakers telling you how to prepare and submit resumes, what it takes to get into grad school, how potential employers want you molded before they get started refining you. You aren't compelled or taught how to identify and resolve what you see as problems. Your given a task, then either padded on the head or given the task over again until the "correct" answer can't escape you. I'm tired of playing by the rules. I've been tired. It's only been relatively easy to ignore when the a pink questionnaire reminder hasn't been residing in my peripherals.

If I could drop out of school I would. If and when Mystik takes off it will be my focus because it will be an extension of me. It will always be relevant, provide excitement, require me to get better and learn more if I want more. I hope to incorporate and assimilate people who can and want to go as far as their ideas will take them, and use that to undermine and hopefully abolish what we currently understand as the education industry. Every doubter, every failed test, and every minute my focus is overwhelmed with the need to rant or worry makes me want to dart from my seat and pursue what the next step is.

I plan on appealing the wording and answer choices of some of these questions, and I fully accept the ones I label as stupid mistakes. I don't like how going to class, taking detailed notes, and reading don't contribute to what I feel my understanding of the concepts are. And frankly, I outright refuse to "put in that extra effort" as it's so unbearably misleadingly labeled, because to me it's actively killing my, for utter lack of a better word, "soul." I can't do it when I don't want what people tell me it leads to. I don't want grad school, I didn't want college after the first few months, and I didn't want high school or middle school either. I don't want to get a job working for some company chasing raises and recognition. I don't want to put myself under yet another thumb. I don't want to forgo my choice as to who I'm working with and why. (This is the point where you would be justified in worrying if I was suicidal) I don't want this life if I'll be ever surrounded by these unsound notions of happiness and success. I barely understand how I've put up with it for this long.

Written about 2 months ago · Comment · LikeUnlike

 You like this.

 Billy Bowman at 9:29pm February 10

Yup.
One rant of many, all covering the same idea, and yet some how they never get old. It's all still relevant.

I completely agree with your sentiment against tests, and our current educational system. I empathize with your feelings toward 'the system'. Preparing myself for a job so I can do repetitive meaningless tasks to earn enough money to have all the things I won't have time for because I'll be working 40+ hours a weak at best a disheartening and in reality a completely backwards and fucked up way to look at things. Learning for the sake of knowing, expanding your knowledge, and using it to learn more and better society is what our educational system should be about. It should most certainly not be about how to play (not even how to win) in a broken game.
...  Read More
When Mystik gets off the ground, we must put a stop to this game.

 David M.L. Jaffe at 10:53pm February 10

Why can't all classes be like Schrimer's accounting class?

 David M.L. Jaffe at 10:53pm February 10

Shrimper, Schrimper, however it's spelled.

 Billy Bowman at 10:53pm February 10

Schrimpers accounting class still has tests. A better 'test' of knowledge would be a practical problem you had to solve with the knowledge and skills obtained in a class IE. here's a bunch of business transactions, account them.

 David M.L. Jaffe at 10:54pm February 10

Well, aside from the tests I suppose...

 Nick P. at 4:11am February 11

More teachers like Schrimper, but the lives to go with the knowledge he's imparting on us. Not just following along in book only to relearn what you need when you actually start taking care of your business.

 Chris Cashel-Cordo at 1:11am February 13

Man, Schrimper rocked my world.

[170] Naughty Teacher

Friday, January 23, 2009 at 1:53am

I think the most disagreeable part of college is the range in caliber of teachers you can either enjoy immensely or loathe indefinitely. Take my Business G300 class. This guy is just another business major who, by way of pressure from his foreign parents, decided to focus on managerial economics. He doesn't necessarily need to know anything more about teaching than what you can read from the book. He isn't worried about how fast he talks or what he takes for granted as the previous amount of knowledge the class has. He doesn't realize that while you can get the bulk of what he's saying, when you so horribly pronounce a word that you've basically just translated it into your foreign tongue, it only serves to distract and confuse, which trumps the smirk you may want to crack. I keep finding examples of people who are, by all accounts "smart" in the field they are so affluently projecting, but don't even realize there is something to be said about the method in which something is taught. This I believe is true regardless of the subject or nature of the work.

It's one thing to give some equation, which in truth you can understand isn't that hard or confusing, but easy to mess up if you haven't seen it previously. One can always go into the book or even google something that fundamental if you miss a term or something. It's quite another when you hurriedly scribble the equation on the board, pointing to this and that, filling in terms seemingly pulled from nowhere, solving it, replacing values and making arbitrary erases and re-done scribbles, then posing the token question "any questions." All the while reminding us that you got your degree in Turkey. This might come as a shock to some of you, but I don't think myself too retarded of a person. So explain to me why I'm taking a class that would almost assuredly make more sense to me if I had Mr. Bowman teaching me? I don't care that he'd cost more and would want a handy in the bathroom, I just want a B and to get the hell out of this place.

Despite the previous teacher, I also have accounting, which is basically a class I never want to end. The teacher keeps things interesting by alluding to personal stories and tying them into what's on the agenda for the day. Everything is broken down to it's fundamental component before it's used in an example or further story. He even contributes numerous stick figures who live these exciting money grubbing lives on this chalkboard turned canvas. I simply wonder why more teachers can't be like that. It makes more sense to me why home schooled kids are generally smarter. They learn something, then move on. They get to do it in the comfort of their own homes and usually with the enthusiasm of the parent who's taken on the task. Here, we're forced into their schedule, their teaching "styles," and their abhorrently expensive books which have the wondrous caveat coin toss on whether they'll get bought back or not.

What still kills me, and has absolutely been confusing to me since I first started, is the logic behind assigning twenty or thirty pages of reading, saying "you'll be responsible for that" and then quizzing us on the information weeks later. First, maybe this is a key skill I lack, but the second I read something it isn't as if I just download it and store it to be recalled when test time comes around. Second, if your going to make us read it, and then not discuss 80% of it in class, it's who's guess as to what is more important or relevant when the questions roll in. Third, most of the time the assigned reading isn't from a Harry Potter book, meaning, it's foreign material, admittedly hard to understand, or almost incapable of being appreciated without the foreknowledge of how and why your suppose to read something some way. That said, the 30 pages I had to read and take notes on in law, aside from definitional things, I'm not going to have the remotest idea how to deconstruct some case when every other word is legal jargon. And yes, I go back and read, re-read, re-re-read, slowly try to interpret, and still take notes.

The problem isn't that I won't spend hours on something if it's relevant, interesting, and required(shudders), the problem is with the system and teachers that aren't designed or trained on the best methods for getting information encoded within the students. It's some kind of sick irony when my law professor can joke about students who've taken his class, and then worked as his tempts or assistants, who've said "huh, I never remember talking about any of that." This followed by a chuckle from both him and the class. If your not going to remember it, if the person teaching you can laugh at the idea that you didn't retain what THEY "taught," what the hell does that say about all the "learning" going on?

The only other class I have that could possibly be described as "hard" is philosophy of mind. This too has it's problems. I like philosophy, I like the idea of it, most of what I've read of it, and want to know more. What I don't want to do is try and decipher old English and mash it with some conjured, heavily misunderstood notion of what I take the text to be. Why don't I want to do this? Because it's been done, over and again, in many languages, and every question we have about the text, someone has a page devoted to it either online or in another book. It's great to hear about different schools of thought, and the reason some philosopher you at first took be almost too stupid despite his brilliance, now seen in a different light. I think it's utterly frivolous to struggle through and confuse yourself when the answers are already out there. Another tragic irony, my independent study of philosophy brought me to some of the highest points in my life, while my academic pursuit of it makes me want to kill myself.

In truth, I think the teachers, students, questions, and answers should be transparent. Give me the final the first day of class. Tell me the entire paragraphs that will be wholly ignored this semester. Put me on a web cam if you have to to prove that I'm actually doing the work because at that point I would feel inclined to work knowing exactly what it is I'm working towards. They incessantly tell you they want the information to be relevant to you, they want you to be able to use it in the future, it will be helpful for jobs, etc, but at the end of the day, all anybody cares about is passing the tests. I'd say it's a foregone conclusion that you don't really need to have learned anything to merely pass a test. I think you shouldn't be allowed to have a school where one semester I'm taking a class in which the final is made up of previous identical test questions, which were made from quizzes, of which we were shown the answers next class, then onto business law where a mere quiz could be a random sampling of the panoply of information taken in from the reading and lecture.

I don't believe most people that excel in life have that downloadable information memory either. I think they simply know how to find information, implement their ideas, rinse and repeat. I think they know so many people that they are automatically best suited to make better decisions because of those contacts. Things get done, experienced and not just learned, because they are devoted to and excited about the people and subject they're dealing with. If this is all just "practice for the real world" why are pretending like we won't have the resources to get the job done? Why aren't we practicing all the social aspects of a business that can potentially make or break it? Why play like we'll be alone in some field with a book and given an hour to solve some company's salary crisis? Yes, you need a certain amount of knowledge to be in charge of anything, and yes you need specified and refined knowledge in areas to do even remotely well or handle unforeseen problems. You get these skills by practice, not memorization and tests. You learn from people who've took the time to learn how to teach to you instead of taking for granted the whole class is on the same page. Your shown the actual results and how they pertain to your life in particular. I'm going to overwhelmingly prove my theory is correct with Mystik.

 David M.L. Jaffe at 9:35am January 23

You have Schrimper, don't you? Dude's fucking sweet. And it's probably the only business class I'll ever find entertaining and informative at the same time. Sigh...

[148] I Hate College

I almost have to force myself to stay seated. How do we justify this process, here's a word, write it down, I'm going to talk about something you won't be able to recite back to me after class, repeat. The home”work” consists of copy and pasting the words you write into another word document. What kills me is that I've been apart of this process for 15 years and I still cannot find a point. I don't see how it works, nor do I understand how those who aren't just good at memorizing are really “learning” anything. I venture to say the vast majority of the class is not going home to memorize this list of words. I'm hot an uncomfortable. I'm not learning, I don't care, and I hate being here.

There is an easy way to fix this. Take the apprenticeship stance. Say your going to go out to the garage as a kid and you and your dad are going to build a tree house. Do you think your going to learn a damn thing if he gets you all pumped up to work with him, then sits you down, and explains the name, shape, and history of every tool and types of wood that have been used to build tree houses? It's called picking things up as you go along. People who are dropped into a country are surprised by how quickly they pick up the language and start to understand. This is not because they got all A's on their tests for a years worth of Spanish.

I think wasted time is any time your not doing something either 1. You enjoy doing and is stimulating, 2. is productive in light of some cause or organization, 3. countless others are doing it as well who both can and are doing it better than you, and 4. It's an action that was established as a rule of thumb and is carried out for that sole purpose. (I came up with four because one of those bloody rules of thumb is to find fucking 3 of everything.)

1. I don't consider all my down time wasted, nor do I even feel as bad as I'd let on, because I'm frequently doing something that I enjoy or am enjoying the company of others. My free time consists of Big Bang videos, joking in the lounge, movie nights, and soul searching discussions. Given that one of my main goals in life is to be as happy as possible, I feel I'm chugging down that path just fine.
2. There are many ways of being productive that are not entrenched in homework or coveted notions about memorization. I feel as if I contribute more to my human race by learning science things in my free time than I'll ever be able to do memorizing a list of psyche terms associated with regions of the brain. What's more, if and when I need to know a specific region of the brain to counter some point or provide and example, holy shit The Google is still running. Furthermore, I've learned more from being forced to formulate arguments than I've ever learned from a slide show in class. When your compelled, or forced in my case, to teach someone, you almost automatically learn whatever it is your talking about because your mind does all those little subconscious things that assure itself you'll use and need this information later. Grades no longer reflect what I care to see from my “work.”
3. I can't help but feel futile when I look at the hundred or so kids around me copying the words exactly as I'm doing. All the while the professor carries on in a couple minute spiel about each word, the real meat and potatoes if you will, that we aren't expected to right down or know anything about, because after all, this is an “introductory course.” We watch a minimum of 3 video clips each day with some scientist explaining their work, and I can't help but feel like their day to day doesn't consist of preparing to be a jeopardy contestant when an interviewer is present. If a specific field of study needs more researchers, here's an idea, present those fields, garter classes around them, get the more specified skills and terms to those who show a passion for such a subject. Sure, I'll recognize MRI on a multiple choice exam, no, I still have to use The Google to explain all the cool and happening ways it is influencing our lives today. One on one learning obviously speeds things along. Should we prefer to give meager overviews to hundreds of kids, or specialize handfuls to carry out desired tasks?
4. Our whole school institution is like this. I've heard at least two presentations from teachers themselves telling us that our modes of learning are rooted in 18^th century thought. You ask almost anyone why they are down some path or making some decision and you'll overwhelmingly get “because I have to,” “this is how to get a job,” “I think (key word, only think) this will make me happy.” We are a species that is prone to ruts. Our minds are prepared and willing to accept them, and the more actions we can mimic from those around us, the better we “fit in.” Granted, there are common and “best” ways of achieving some means that we should be able to recognize as universal, like using the sidewalk instead of the middle of the road, but I feel that such a simple and obvious level of realization is destructive when applied to our higher faculties. “Ga-hilk, I said this word over and over and nows I remember it better ::LIGHTBULB:: omg everybody should repeat things over and over to get smarter like me!” Easy there Jethro, lets maybe study the behavior of the people who've achieved most in the world, and accept broader and more mature definitions of progress and learning. Maybe you love the current system and think it's the best way. I'd refer you to my number 3 argument and point at Japan or China, because yes, they are indeed kicking ass, but at what cost?

One of the quickest things to piss me off as well is rationalizations people try to give in response. For example, when I ask myself why the hell I'm in Spanish when I don't care to speak it, I find it boring, I have no future plans of using it, yet I'm told if I know it well enough it will get me a job quicker, I kind of feel like the person doesn't really get it. Biology and math are the life lines to our health and existence, yet a complete guess would say to me there are thousands of kids here who will never take another math or biology class and still do just fine. I think people should be asking themselves what they alone can contribute. On a TED talk there was the example of Photobucket or Flicker where some people gave thousands of pictures, others gave one. If that one person gives one picture that many can still find cool or useful, that single picture has now given that person a purpose and meaning for their contribution over those who've upload thousands. I personally believe that everyone has at least a glint of originality for simply being an autonomous being, and the more we become a society cognizant of that glint, the more we'll see and get out of each other. I just want to focus on taking my one photo first. 

[134] Predictions

Monday, September 22, 2008 at 5:07pm

Philosophy: I'll write some paper in a mood of extreme boredom that doesn't use enough analogies and isn't from a thorough analysis of the text. I'll string together enough big words and broken phrases from the notes I barely understand to get a low B. Any attempt to gain insight from the teacher will be met with that “look” I consistently get from most teachers when they feel my question is so overtly apparent it justifies looking at me like I'm retarded.

Jit Kun Do: I'll do the moves well enough to need basic corrections, but will ultimately get an A.

Psyche: My teacher will deny me the opportunity to get the homework in advance. I will continue to skim the book, maybe once, and come up with memorization tricks for remembering terms long enough for the test. I'll fuck up just enough questions that were embedded somewhere in the reading to get consistent B's.

Spanish: I'll forget a few verbs or misread questions here and there. I won't be clear enough on my paragraph that's suppose to really show that I'm versed in the language. I'll be average to slightly better than most in my classroom participation, and that coupled with generally good, but stupid mistake tests and homework will get me a high B or possible low A if I decide to give a bigger shit towards the end.

Piano: The little asian bitch won't get out of my ear and I'll continue to fuck up stupid things I played fine when I was by myself. I'll give up just enough to stomach the idea of looking like an inept musician while knowing I'm not one to get a low B possible C which I will justify with “the bitch is annoying, I've already proven to myself I can play it, no one cares what grades you get in a piano class.”

I've identified the “problems,” yet I don't give two shits about fixing them.

It's rather a blessing and a curse that I'm having so much fun being around people. On the one hand, I'm essentially feeling like I want to feel for the rest of my life. I want to be “successful” in the future, but not at the expense of my sanity or freedom. If it is really about the journey and not the destination, I can't justify mentally fucking myself through college to finally feel relived after graduation. Call me weird, but I consider every day and every moment of feelings relevant and important. Consistently, when you have a plan, the plans change and you end up settling on something because you weren't prepared to change. It's completely foreign to me to say “In three years I'll have a job with some psych related thing, hoping to make 45k a year, and I'll have a cute little puppy.” This is how I feel many people think. These four years are just stepping stones that introduce you to your “real life.”

If I look at my life and what's going on to make it happy I get this. I have an inordinate amount of free time that is spend watching movies and things online. I am able to take off randomly with a friend I bump into at midnight on a walk around campus. I am able to sit and read any and every book or science article I cared to. I can spend all night hanging out and still sleep enough to be functional during the day. I have money for food and gas. Aha, money. The things I like to do are write, read, and play music. If those can make me money today, I'll leave college.

New prediction: I'll spend as much time trying to distract myself from the shitty time I have in class, and consistently bitch online about how much I hate it without much of a plan on how to go about changing things. I'll do well enough to be considered average, get my check mark, and remain “meh” despite feelings of overwhelming apathy and indifference at the times of these blogs.

5 comments

Billy Bowman (Bloomington, IN) wroteat 7:41pm on September 22nd, 2008 Sounds like a good plan my friend.. if more people though like this, took having a life to being more important then doing well with the career/school.. the world would be a much better place Report - Delete

David M.L. Jaffe wroteat 9:16pm on September 22nd, 2008 Music critic / music magazine editor? Author? P.S. Asians piss me off. I feel for you. Report - Delete

Colin Hampton wroteat 9:21pm on September 22nd, 2008 bitching for the win. profs fail consistently. Report - Delete

Scott Lucas (St. Joseph IN) wroteat 2:54am on September 23rd, 2008 hey i think most people have these thoughts at least once and its true that 99% of profs dont care, but college is kinda just letting you have a small taste of the "real world." plus the parties are pretty fun. maybe im wrong, crazy, or deluded, but i just kinda felt like posting. Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 8:26am on September 23rd, 2008 Scott, I have had these thoughts incessantly since middle school. Colin, I think most profs fail because they were brought up in a system that teaches them to explain things the same shitty way they first learned them. Jew Dave, interesting suggestions, the music critic in particular. And ya, fucking asians.

[133] Yes, Quite Frankly, I Still Hate School

Yes, quite simply, I still hate school

Tuesday, September 16, 2008 at 6:25pm

I almost have to force myself to stay seated. How do we justify this process, here's a word, write it down, I'm going to talk about something you won't be able to recite back to me after class, repeat. The home”work” consists of copy and pasting the words you write into another word document. What kills me is that I've been apart of this process for 15 years and I still cannot find a point. I don't see how it works, nor do I understand how those who aren't just good at memorizing are really “learning” anything. I venture to say the vast majority of the class is not going home to memorize this list of words. I'm hot an uncomfortable. I'm not learning, I don't care, and I hate being here.

There is an easy way to fix this. Take the apprenticeship stance. Say your going to go out to the garage as a kid and you and your dad are going to build a tree house. Do you think your going to learn a damn thing if he gets you all pumped up to work with him, then sits you down, and explains the name, shape, and history of every tool and types of wood that have been used to build tree houses? It's called picking things up as you go along. People who are dropped into a country are surprised by how quickly they pick up the language and start to understand. This is not because they got all A's on their tests for a years worth of Spanish.

I think wasted time is any time your not doing something either 1. You enjoy doing and is stimulating, 2. is productive in light of some cause or organization, 3. countless others are doing it as well who both can and are doing it better than you, and 4. It's an action that was established as a rule of thumb and is carried out for that sole purpose. (I came up with four because one of those bloody rules of thumb is to find fucking 3 of everything.)

1.I don't consider all my down time wasted, nor do I even feel as bad as I'd let on, because I'm frequently doing something that I enjoy or am enjoying the company of others. My free time consists of Big Bang videos, joking in the lounge, movie nights, and soul searching discussions. Given that one of my main goals in life is to be as happy as possible, I feel I'm chugging down that path just fine.

2. There are many ways of being productive that are not entrenched in homework or coveted notions about memorization. I feel as if I contribute more to my human race by learning science things in my free time than I'll ever be able to do memorizing a list of psyche terms associated with regions of the brain. What's more, if and when I need to know a specific region of the brain to counter some point or provide and example, holy shit The Google is still running. Furthermore, I've learned more from being forced to formulate arguments than I've ever learned from a slide show in class. When your compelled, or forced in my case, to teach someone, you almost automatically learn whatever it is your talking about because your mind does all those little subconscious things that assure itself you'll use and need this information later. Grades no longer reflect what I care to see from my “work.”

3. I can't help but feel futile when I look at the hundred or so kids around me copying the words exactly as I'm doing. All the while the professor carries on in a couple minute spiel about each word, the real meat and potatoes if you will, that we aren't expected to right down or know anything about, because after all, this is an “introductory course.” We watch a minimum of 3 video clips each day with some scientist explaining their work, and I can't help but feel like their day to day doesn't consist of preparing to be a jeopardy contestant when an interviewer is present. If a specific field of study needs more researchers, here's an idea, present those fields, garter classes around them, get the more specified skills and terms to those who show a passion for such a subject. Sure, I'll recognize MRI on a multiple choice exam, no, I still have to use The Google to explain all the cool and happening ways it is influencing our lives today. One on one learning obviously speeds things along. Should we prefer to give meager overviews to hundreds of kids, or specialize handfuls to carry out desired tasks?

4. Our whole school institution is like this. I've heard at least two presentations from teachers themselves telling us that our modes of learning are rooted in 18th century thought. You ask almost anyone why they are down some path or making some decision and you'll overwhelmingly get “because I have to,” “this is how to get a job,” “I think (key word, only think) this will make me happy.” We are a species that is prone to ruts. Our minds are prepared and willing to accept them, and the more actions we can mimic from those around us, the better we “fit in.” Granted, there are common and “best” ways of achieving some means that we should be able to recognize as universal, like using the sidewalk instead of the middle of the road, but I feel that such a simple and obvious level of realization is destructive when applied to our higher faculties. “Ga-hilk, I said this word over and over and nows I remember it better ::LIGHTBULB:: omg everybody should repeat things over and over to get smarter like me!” Easy there Jethro, lets maybe study the behavior of the people who've achieved most in the world, and accept broader and more mature definitions of progress and learning. Maybe you love the current system and think it's the best way. I'd refer you to my number 3 argument and point at Japan or China, because yes, they are indeed kicking ass, but at what cost?

One of the quickest things to piss me off as well is rationalizations people try to give in response. For example, when I ask myself why the hell I'm in Spanish when I don't care to speak it, I find it boring, I have no future plans of using it, yet I'm told if I know it well enough it will get me a job quicker, I kind of feel like the person doesn't really get it. Biology and math are the life lines to our health and existence, yet a complete guess would say to me there are thousands of kids here who will never take another math or biology class and still do just fine. I think people should be asking themselves what they alone can contribute. On a TED talk there was the example of Photobucket or Flicker where some people gave thousands of pictures, others gave one. If that one person gives one picture that many can still find cool or useful, that single picture has now given that person a purpose and meaning for their contribution over those who've upload thousands. I personally believe that everyone has at least a glint of originality for simply being an autonomous being, and the more we become a society cognizant of that glint, the more we'll see and get out of each other. I just want to focus on taking my one photo first.

[137] Ugh

I have to believe I am smarter than a grade I get in college. I have to think that me not understanding in class when I pay attention and copy word for word what is being said, it is more the fault of the teacher and how they “teach.” I’m not in school for me, and I’m not sure I ever have been. Why did I seem to love school when I was younger? Why did I, for the greater part, really enjoy working at Showplace? I need fast paced, challenging tasks, and an almost no opportunity to rest or I fail. There is a vast amount of difference between a challenge and a pain in the ass. A challenge implies to me that there is something maybe only you could do be. Millions of people have passed college with all A’s. When I was younger, I made my work into a challenge to see how fast I could get it done perfectly. At work, I ran from theater to theater and had to figure people out who would be best suited for what job. In school, I get hours between classes, ranges of homework from ten minutes to maybe a few hours if I’m cramming for a test, and people that don’t seem to have much of a personal goal, let alone a will for a collective initiative.

I think I’m failing at life. I don’t even occupy my vast amount of down time with even vaguely productive things I claim I like. I’m trying to force myself to change my feelings and modes of thought, though I already know the effort is futile. This isn’t because I can’t act a certain way, but I think I have to bite the bullet and say there are something things you just feel, or at least particularly don’t.

I think Mystik will fail. I don’t think it will fail because its a bad concept. I don’t think it will fail because of the people behind it. I don’t think it will fail because of bad luck or random mistakes. I think it will fail because people fail. They don’t understand and don’t care to. They can change, but only when they are forced to. And evolutionarily speaking, what else should we expect? I read a blog recently that reiterated the idea of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” People don’t recognize any problems. They don’t see the holes and they don’t allow themselves to get depressed thinking about them. Sure, they think. They have hints of cogniscence here and there. They get concerned when a venerable, and dare I say convenient, cause comes along, but I feel this is only to satisfy a base human itch. How do you make people understand something?  

[56] I Know Why I Hate School

I know why I hate school

You know when people say kids act out and fail in class when they aren't being challenged? I think that at this moment that statement is really sinking in for me.

I found myself doing my music theory homework. Writing dots. Calling them passing or neighbor tones. Identifying key signatures. Then I stopped and thought, After 19 years, 15 of them in school, I'm finally in college, I write all the time, read things I need a dictionary to get through, and can learn any sport or instrument you put in my hand, and now I'm writing dots for 5 points. This is why I hate homework. A new word needs to be invented because tedious and ridiculous have graduated.

Memorization is not a challenge. We memorize things for the sake of memorizing things because in the future that one memorized thing will be a stepping stone to memorize something "more important." I can't honestly say that anything I've faced in class has been necessarily hard or undoable, its just bullshit memorization. People think I overstep my bounds when I say I'm never going to need what I "learn" in calculus in my real world. They go on to explain every job that requires math. Let me make a distinction for these people. Given the millions of jobs that are out there and the millions more we're trying to prepare for that don't yet exist, yes, perhaps in one aspect or another of that job you will be required to apply some mathematical skill. At the same time there are just as many jobs that still exist who don't require you to know much past rudimentary level. This does not even mention that there isn't a job out there where you have a boss where training won't take place.

I want classes to make their lessons personal. Then I will see the point. Its one thing to teach the compound interest formula. You get to learn how money you don't have will increase infinitely in accounts you don't own or know how to look for. This is a problem for me. I'm finally surprised by my accounting class which actually is completely practical for anyone with a business or planning on one, and a plus to that we have a teacher who breaks things down so simply that you, so far at least, would have to try to not understand. If technology is increasing as quickly as it seems, business skills changing seemingly w/o notice, and a newer better kind world is taking place as we speak, why aren't we learning how to manipulate it NOW. I don't know what will happen four years from now, I know what I want now.

Pick something your interested in. I'll say for example books. So you take a class on books and find out that your learning how to make a book, what paper is commonly used, the font of the numbers, bibliography designs of the ages, what book means in Chinese, the words that can be made from rearranging the letters.........and all of this has to be memorized so you can "fully appreciate and understand what the author was trying to say." This is what I feel most of college is about. Dangle the real world in front of you as long as they can because remember, they've already got their method of making money, then drop you into a job leagues away from your dream major when you first signed up.

Watching an infomercial of people building gave me more a jolt to get up than I've felt towards any of my classes. I want to be productive, not robotic. Expressive and not reactive. Call me lazy, I feel lazy. I'm getting a little freaked that I won't be able to find an outlet for myself before something negative happens first.