[203] Dealing With Problems

 Monday, October 19, 2009 at 1:48am

I don't believe when I say something "hurtful" I am speaking "evil." I should preface that with, I don't believe people get hurt to any extent than they allow themselves to hurt themselves. You can only claim things to have "hurt" me when you said them to me as either a kid or when they imposed some edict or restriction that served to physically stop me from doing something. I worked extremely hard, as it's more a general learned disposition now, to be at peace at it is the reason I'm almost insufferably laid back when people think I should be reacting to something with the same frenzied fervor they are.

I don't believe in love, nor sin. To clarify, love is a dramatized word that can allude to much more applicable and understandable words and scenarios. I do believe in, at least conceptually, desperation, deep feeling, increased heart beats, obsessive thoughts, wanting to nurture offspring, unhealthy attachment, finding someone's disposition agreeable, settling for what you can get, etc ad infinitum of what people simply call "love." With sin, it's easy to believe that if I don't believe in magic, I don't believe in it's power to condemn me.

When I truly "hurt someone," or again, provoke or incite them to hurt themselves on the basis of my words, it's overwhelmingly because I've said something true. Moreover, when I say something that demoralizing or demeaning, it's because people understand I'm so bleedingly honest, they can trust I actually do loathe them to that extent. This is something I take pride in, honesty, and making people cry and hate me for it. When other people attempt to "put me down" I literally, and I stress literally, forget them as people, let alone what they've said. Them being so far removed from reality it's genuinely hard for people to think of the "right" kind of thing to throw me off, and provided they were able to, my natural response would render it pointless anyway.

Any and all animosity I have toward you is because I've judged your utility and your rationality to be severely at odds with what I find acceptable to continue my normal chill and happy life. When someone causes me nothing but stress, impedes or discourages rational discourse through denial or pity pleas, and most importantly has some sort of overwhelming propensity to deny who they are and own up to all the terrible things it allows them to play out as in life, I have two choices. I can keep engaging you, spit on my own reasoning, or I can cut you off and provide subtle hints through slander and frankly pointless rants "pleading" you to wake up to your self and the reality of the situation.

We don't have a broken relationship, we have an impossibly meager one. We've an "ever spiraling down until I have no further reason to talk to you" relationship. If that bothers you, blame yourself, fix something, and start over. Given that it doesn't bother me, the onus is on you to get what you want. You're consumed by your propensity to make people bend to your will. Well, if you truly want to have any semblance of productive or "healthy" relationship with me, you'll own up to that fact, compel yourself to grow up and be reasonable, and that's what will tell me who you are becoming or want to be, because those are the only people I want to be around. Until then, bible verses are empty, pity pleas are empty, and tears and "life is short" cliches will always get you nowhere. You want something out of me, learn how to deal with yourself.

[204] Dig Dig Dig

Monday, October 19, 2009 at 2:52am 

I think it's easy for people to feel lost and desperate but maintain a very well rehearsed and believable outward disposition that persuades you to think everything is normal. Our lives are bullshit. I think this is the basic premise that most operate under, and is the pervading idea behind why and how desperate feelings would manifest. Things that, in theory, should be easy take months or years. People we trust betray us. Dreams become subject to life, and even entire lives with many sprinklings of happiness get overturned as we get older or learn. None of this is any reason to be happy unless you compel yourself to seek out, define, and pursue the implicit opportunity and potential. The problem there is the those that do hit an amazing amount of stumbling blocks which serve to disenfranchise and demoralize, those that see it and don't are already waving their white flags, and there are always those that never actually see the problem.

I belong to the first category. I see things in steps, never any task particularly hard, but I'm always amazed at the number of things that "pop up" as little stumbling blocks. I suppose you can say I have some sort of "tough will" to power through things, or a general calm enough disposition to handle and sort it all out, but I'm ever perplexed as to why that many problems should arise in the first place. Keep in mind too, as any goal is just a series of small steps in one direction, all these roadblocks are just a bunch of little bumps all with the same nature. I want to fix the house, I get a company and people who lie to me and don't call back. I want to throw a party, I don't take into account before hand if the plastic shot cups someone bought are double or single shot. I want to play drums, two cymbals are lost. Drop Sam off at work, key was buried under clothes for ten minutes, game traffic, catching every red light, and forgetting you've got almost no gas left. Each problem ever so small, all have a grip on even the most trivial tasks.

Those are everyday things though. I tend to go grander scale. Imagine wanting to start a business. Try to plug and play with different personalities and ideas. Try to convey the flurry of potential and thoughts and have them translate in some sort of collective effort where everyone feels like they've contributed and are getting something in return. Things don't just come out of left field when you attempt something bigger, they come from the stands, the parking lot, and the stadium across town. I'm thinking that the majority of the problems here come from those that are waving the white flags. They actively subject themselves to the will of the collective, whether they admit it or not, more often not as it causes quite the discomfort, and then become the stubborn "pawns" of those with agendas. Ultimately, they are still people though who are ravenous for even the facade of control when it comes to their lives, so they resist. They do mangled rehashings of things previously perfected, they inject "opinions" and "ideas" as they stumble to be original and insightful. Unable to cope with the responsibility of seeing the full breath of what it takes for a massive undertaking, they only serve themselves up as self-fulfilled reasons of perpetual meagerity (made that word up).

It should be easy enough to summarize the people that don't even see the problems. They hold their dreams or ideas, they wonder so hard "why?" and maintain an arsenal of cliches that serve to shield them from reality. They're like silent farts, nothing more natural and innocent, but still sneaky as fuck and deadly.

And now to get philosophizy (another new made up word). I think to get anywhere, as people, as a society, we need to reach our lowest point. If that entails a wave of self-loathing known as the "mentally dark ages" then so be it. The best, if not only way, to achieve the best is to realize the worst. It's making yourself appreciate a feeling and understanding you can't escape because you've lived it. Why does society destroy itself? It doesn't appreciate what it really means to live in a destroyed society. Why don't people actually achieve their biggest dreams or pursue sustainable and true happiness? They haven't ever done or said anything that made them feel or think in a way that would make them want to or believe it's even possible. They haven't lived it. People follow Jesus not because they believe in or understand forgiveness and peace, it's because they appreciate to the greatest extent scapegoating and regret.

I suppose my main problem is that I don't really know how to fix it. Well, my methods for fixing it would either take an exorbitant amount of time, or would require more power (read: control and influence) than I currently have. On top of that, it's practically impossible to gauge or predict how people will react, and given the current evidence, the potential result is not promising. All I can say is that I've somehow managed to be happy despite it all. Regardless of what people say or think about what I say and how I say it, I still really am happy and am pursuing things I think will keep and expand that happiness. Can you say the same? Well, I know you can say it, but is that your experience, your choice, and the basis from which the rest of your life follows? I honestly don't believe that for most people it is, and yet I guarantee on any given day they'd argue to the contrary, for obvious reasons no doubt, and who can blame them? Whether I'm allowed to or not, regardless if I'm ever taken seriously, I still do. Yet that seems to be the most damning/saving grace sentiment any and everyone can use, "despite the world." I think the immensity of the difference here can't be understated, I don't behave in spite of the world, I merely assert it.