[911] TV Made Me Do It

It's getting late and I'm feeling sickly after doing 50 squats on a plasma donation day, so I'm gonna talk about TV.

I've been thinking a fair amount about how and why I watch so much TV. The easy answers pertain to the mild compulsion to complete things broadly, the informal "points" that seem to accompany the binging or gaining of familiarity, and the general mild interest I maintain for anything I haven't seen yet.

I started watching TV aggressively when I found myself with considerably "too much" time on my hands after college. I had money in the bank and no worries about bills from doing the drug studies (also little to do beyond watch TV in those). None of my friends were particularly not-busy nor interested in making any more time to do things together than they did. When left listening to my internal body clock and with nowhere to be, I'm immediately up all night so there's certainly no better time nor excuse to find a screen, right?

I remember thinking to myself I only watched "good" shows. There was a certain dignity in it for me. The critically acclaimed, show-up-on-every-list type shows. I never got the inclination to watch things sped up. I just would have felt a kind of foolish or missing out if I couldn't marvel at The Wire.

It moved into a space of trying to understand the shows my parents watched and making up for the cartoons I never got to see all of growing up. I think around the time I started watching ER is when it occurred to me to start speeding things up. 331 episodes are not carried by particularly thought-provoking or plot-moving intricate details.

I broke my thought process of only watching "good" shows with Arrow. I know people who were really into that show and I still have no idea why. I wanted to be able to argue details. I wanted to mock and joke more effectively. I wanted to see if there was something there that I was perhaps blind to, but I doubted it. The same can be said for Twin Peaks which I've authored pages of arguments against all for nothing when I discovered a fan video detailing just what it is Lynch was after. But the "fight" with an ardent, if equally oblivious fan, was fun.

A lot of progress recording sites were experimented with and Trakt started getting its legs. It compiled lists of the "Top 250" movies or shows of all time. It would start telling me what was coming or what else was getting an unnecessary reboot. I could turn watching TV into a collecting exercise. If you don't know, I used to obsessively copy down animal names into a notebook, filling every inch, searching through encyclopedias, and parents' friends' books when they doubted my efforts. It feels good to click the little check mark and shame the non-believer.

I started developing an affinity for certain actors or story-tellers. I could start to discern when someone was trying for something verses working for a paycheck. I started getting a hint of feeling like an "insider," who knew little details about career paths or projects. I wasn't getting nearly as obsessed as I was about animal names, but it's gratifying to chase an instinct down a google rabbit hole and discover you were able to recognize an individual's voice or be right in who they claimed to be influenced by.

Part of me also wished to prove a point about time. There's so much of it. Over the period of years where my friends were becoming less social fun and exploratory and more hyper paranoid and focused on how to "adult," I felt like I was carrying a certain kind of flag for the existence I have now, and I wanted to prove I could still do all the little things in service to it, watch as much TV as they played video games, or significantly more, and still move towards what examples I'd prefer stood out about my pursuits and goals. I'm not butt-hurt people spend their time otherwise, I'm ashamed they don't also get at what they said was really important.

I wasn't just watching TV, or when I had to, working all day and night to get things moving here. I was getting myself immensely stressed out about the state of the world reading article after article. At one point, not unlike when I obsessed over religion and would respond to things with book-length answers, you could name a country, and I could name a damning thing or several about it. I remember an instance at Sports where I caught myself off-guard in how much I was talking about Malaysia when prompted. TV offset that to some degree.

I weened myself down from reading about the world, at least from "news" sources. More time for TV. I completed lists. I got used to the idea of subtitles, in fact preferring them for things better watched sped up. I would marathon anything explicitly recommended. Awards lists, "cult classics," whatever shoddy hipster website said was underrated or niche. I wanted to know what shows meant the most to individual countries. I wanted to know what movies or characters other characters were referencing. I wanted to see every series or project the characters from my favorite shows got involved with. You think I watched Suits for Suits? I really liked Suits, but Zoë, dammit.

I learned that my reformulated concept of "good" shows causes me to slow them down. The dialogue feels like it matters or the jokes deserve the timing. The scenes are begging to be taken in and the plot, inevitably recycled in some manner, tastes a little different in how the actor is portraying it or the line was tweaked. It's how you can get nuances in "cop show" or "angry alcoholic/smoking white guy." It's how I'm confident in agreeing that representation is important, but woke or purely identity-based storytelling can still be boring as fuck if the characters, ethos, or perspective doesn't transcend superficial presumptions of value and avoid reducing to cliches. Luther, Atlanta, The Mindy Project, Broad City, Ramy, and the first few seasons of Girls figured out something Insecure, Master of None, Lady Dynamite, and the back half of Girls did not.

Currently, TV is something of a meditation. Maybe I'm reaffirming my view that a good portion of what exists on thoughtful-nerd-TV shows are shameless rip-offs of The Twilight Zone. Any time there's "family" magic that keeps a show running is something of an interesting miracle to think about why those people in that setting or with that set of writers in this era. There's still plenty of the compulsion pushing me through sped up third-spin-off series like Power Book III and The Flash (I managed to refuse the shitty DC rabbit hole, mostly.) But I can put them on while I drive or clean or weed whack.

I'm currently at, approximately recorded of course, 43,532 plays of 1,082 shows and 2,892 movies. I like to play with the numbers. One movie a day for 8 years is all it takes to catch up. Combined is 1,194 days worth. And I keep the bills paid, chores done, yard work, read/audiobook, podcast, and spend a solid amount of time listening to music or meandering about town.

I like to think about what's my favorite and why. Inevitably, it's what has a prayer of staying on my mind for any length of time. Right now, that's Rick and Morty, Mr. Inbetween, Last Week Tonight, Dave, Mr. Pickles, One Piece, Impractical Jokers, and Ted Lasso. I like to think I've found a place for each individual show like I've tried to cut out for each person as an individual. I want to be able to discern the voice and respect the slight skews in the perspective. We're constantly iterating and reflecting different things about our eras and headspaces. Maybe you find that vibe from looking at art or unpacking layers of music, but I think at bottom, for the true connoisseurs, we're all looking to connect with the same thing. Or even just connect at all.

I don't feel guilty about "wasted time." I'm not watching TV "instead" of otherwise respectable adult or responsible things. I'm sticking it into all of the cracks that would otherwise be filled with something equally absurd or "unproductive" as if I have some quota to fill before I die. It's free. It's considerably less interesting, even my favorites, than if you elect to actually go bowling, eat dinner, or talk about and help create what we may do together. It's a tool to keep me from anchoring myself to something that might be considerably more mentally or physically taxing. I know I'm obsessive and know how it can work against me.

I take a lot of pride out of knowing "something" about topics, even if it's just to like or dislike. I like the enthusiasm bubbling up when you tell me you're considering watching one of my favorite shows. I'm not memorizing air dates or converting my speech into a series of one-liners from shows, but sometimes something will stick and show up in a blog or just keep replaying in my head until I figure out why. I smile to myself when professions of "I waste so much time!" are made. Like, if you lock yourself into this moment, I promise, you'll start finding all the time you need.

[462] Fake Ass Bitch

It almost goes without saying that someone will approach either me or Hatsam if we go out to the bars and start dancing. A lighthearted “OMG when I saw you guys, I just knew you had to be on something.” For those of you unaware, these young starlets think we have, are on, and can provide drugs. They'll dance and flirt, and after about 7 minutes it'll click that we're just marginally drunk and learned how to dance a little better than the rest of the room.

I don't like fake shit. I can see through your 21 year old ass for days, and not just because you adopted an eating disorder to fit into that top showing off your...I guess it's still technically cleavage? Like, I barely want to even write about it. I feel it's such a cliché to get a little older and comment about the “pretty bitches” and their superficial attitudes and lack of subtlety or tact in endearing themselves towards their first ecstasy experience.

I suppose what bugs me more is that 2 straight dudes can dance for a solid hour and just get weird fly bys and people filming from the upper floor. I think about the fear of “dancing bad” or the little tickle you give yourself in commenting about the “clearly high” guys dancing downstairs. I've watched the social dynamic videos that break down when a solo hippie dancer turns into a large crowd of finally uninhibited concert goers to get down. My concern, if that's even the right word, is why it breaks down the way it does.

I don't think it's a stretch to consider most people fundamentally insecure. Working on the outfit so they can reject the slew of guys who would look too long or hit on. Working on maintaining a group dynamic so they can endear themselves to one girl or guy over time. Fears of being alone, fears of being failures or insecurities about looks and interests abound. How many 20-anythings do you know act like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Bates? I'm old, I'm getting fat, I'm gonna die, so fuck it! And is it a problem that they don't or can't?

To me it speaks to groupthink. It's not “cool” to be the couple dancers until a cute girl approaches, unbeknownst to the crowd, looking for drugs. They want to dance. They feel the beat. They don't adopt the agency. The join in the flood instead of lead the charge as an individual raindrop. It's the same story every night unless you encounter a particular crowd.

I find myself torn between “keep them idiots” and “everyone needs this basic capacity.” I see the logic of neoliberalism if you're in power. Of course I don't like it not being there in power, but I really don't believe in people. I don't believe the myriad interpretations we have of life coexist as “together” and “proliferating” into the future. This presupposes that as a worthwhile goal, but nonetheless. Like, I’m technically poor as fuck and a million times more wealthy and comfortable than every pre-modern king. I have more wealth than a solid 70 percent of the world. I have more saved for “retirement” than 50 percent of seniors (I'm positive it's close or around that but I don't care to look up the article again.)

I can watch “Master of None” and see Aziz joke about the life his parents had and their struggles compared to his quibbles about setting up an Ipad. I can read about history and tally the body counts for ridiculous wars. I can find any and all reasons to kill myself right now and comfortably state I went out on top of existence as anyone has known it. Extra bells and whistles that million or billionaires fuck with I shit on. Like, fuck your big boat if I'm perpetually sea sick. How do you beat the perspective into society at large that they should be the ones leading the dance floor? How do you decouple value and worth from your slutty outfit and desperately trying to hide his nerdiness behind his parents' money friend?

I'm tired of the endlessly superficial relationship period. I'm sick of the attitude. I'm tired of the looks and lack of expectations as far as what constitutes a friendship or relationship. I'm sick of the ignored texts, lies about meeting up, and general dance around an actual position or respectable thought. Yes, it's hopelessly cliché for the older to criticize the younger, but give me a fucking break, is there anyone with an ounce of honesty and perspective left that can't tell there's such a dramatic shift that's markedly different than in the past? I'm not talking R&B references and memories of phones with cords. It's a character deficiency. It's a kind of slime that oozes over and icks everything up before you even begin to talk about it. It's something loud and annoying to oh-so-old me, a mere 5 or 6 years away from “the youth” who bug the shit out of me.