I’m not hundred percent sure I have
anything specific to say. I’ve stayed up all night again and have
been reading my old blogs. For anyone who says I haven’t thought
through faith, believing in god, love, or significance in life a
simple “fuck you” is all I have. I can’t tell after reading
all that if I am/was a really depressed kid or just really
thoughtful. I can be sure that I’m frequently pissed off because of
my thinking , hence close to 80 blogs lol. People tend to look back
on things like these and reflect on who they were or how misguided or
immature they sounded just a couple of years ago. I can’t help but
feel like I’m still right there. Granted certain questions
regarding god or Christianity are no longer there, but I can still
feel how I felt in some long ass digression that pissed me off for
even having to write it way back when.
I think I’ve given myself too grand a
goal, if there is such a thing. I undermine my own ambitions with
ideas that, while relevant and factually correct, effectively
demoralize my will. That’s really fucking stupid right? You think
something, you want something, go and get it. What good does it do to
constantly remind yourself of other “stuff?” Maybe it’s a way
to police myself or feel accountable. I think I regard myself as
dangerous. Not freak out and hack someone up dangerous obviously, but
guy who hacked the government in last Die Hard dangerous. Nothings
stopping me from using my information for good or bad. What’s
stopping me from regarding my actions as good or bad? What compels me
to say, ay back that up, your taking it too far? I think if you felt
my level of disdain for this feeling I can once again sympathize with
why you believe in a perfect law giver.
I have this overwhelming feeling that’s
repulsive to what I, and I’m sure we all, know about humanity or
worse ourselves. Yet, it can never be prayed away, forgotten, or
denied. It surely serves a purpose; a purpose on the lowest tier of
the pyramid no doubt, but it almost goes hand in hand with fucking up
the rest of you simultaneously. I’m talking of course about fun.
Whatever you find fun is going to twist and your life in some way
that aligns you with it. If you widen the definition of fun to
stepping outside the sandbox and outside the confines of a good book
you realize that the whole world can at any point be made fun of. Not
just making jokes about, manifested for your pleasure. You can take
any atrocious scene in the world and put it in a stand up act. You
can use any character flaw in your fellow man to dupe and scheme a
way towards your means. If you can suck it, fuck it, snort it, drink
it, shoot it, preach it, or merely think about it, you have a new
play thing to have fun with. Just like there are some things you
wouldn’t apply those actions to in your own life, there are options
of thought you seemingly don’t want. The difference is your head is
an open playing field. There are no rules and no accountability.
