[214.3] War On Happiness

In Waking Life, one of the speakers asks the question, “What’s the most pervasive human characteristic, fear, or laziness?” While I think they work together, I’m finally convinced the answer is fear.

The last couple of weeks I’ve been trying to make myself comfortable with the idea that people don’t change. When I think about the failed “friendships,” the lies, the hypocrisy, and oh the dramatic irony, I’m singed by the notion that I am literally in the midst of the reasons we will fail as a species. I am utterly convinced we will not survive, our efforts to gain more knowledge will be abused, exploited, and squandered, and the vast majority of people will never learn how or why they can be happy. I am convinced that for every one person that asserts who they are, there are a million who don’t know they are even allowed to ask such a question. I truly do believe my efforts to merely talk to people about, one of the few topics that really matters to me, religion, will serve to make people angry or uncomfortable, and if anything provide more fearful feelings that create a stronger resolve to ignore and deny what I say. I think we are stuck because of fear. I think we are doomed because of fear.

I’m not afraid of not finding a wife or perfect girlfriend. I’m not afraid of my grades being “too low” or if I’ll manage to find some job that pays off the amount of debt I’m not afraid to be in. I’m not afraid to die, I’m not afraid of fights and drama. I’m not afraid to fail. I’m moderately afraid of the dark, only because you’re vulnerable to unexpected attack, so it’s more of an air of caution. And, on the off chance ghosts existed, those would scare the shit out of me, because really, how the fuck can you fight a ghost and what does it say about all the weird “magical” shit that can happen if you have a fucked up death.

I think it is perhaps a significant reason that some people don’t like me because I behave like I’m not afraid. I don’t believe in a god because I don’t need to. I don’t care if your feelings are hurt over something petty, because it would only hurt me to play pretend in our fickle relationship. I’ve been accused of being an instigator, which I don’t think is fair, but let’s examine why it may be true in some instances. If someone does nothing but provoke, unjustly accuse, and look down on you, what do you have to lose in your relationship with that person? I may instigate the first direct comment, but the negative behavior initiated with the other person. To me, if I want to instigate, I will go out of my way to get a point across. I’ll create the plan and how it will all play out. Bringing an issue to the forefront is not instigation to me.

In any event, I think I started this to explore the differences between myself and other people. Note, this should not be read as “me or everyone who thinks like me vs them.” It’s my perspective, my ideas, and my exploration of the consequences when you adopt certain kinds of behaviors. I take responsibility for my thoughts and actions. I can tell you straight up that I didn’t wash the handful of dishes I got dirty in New Orleans. I can tell you I told John to get over it, threw his shit out, told Michele the best description I ever heard for why she hung out with our group was that she was “fuckable.” I took my doorknob back from Javon and moved her couches off the stadium after she said she was worried about them getting fucked up at parties. Yes I did, I asked why her and Jeremy weren’t fucking already. Damn, I didn’t tell this to Jesus or a priest so I guess it doesn’t really matter…

My point being, I act within contexts and respond as necessary. It doesn’t embarrass or tarnish who I am to accept when things are wrong. When people abuse my house, I don’t feel compelled to clean up after them on vacation. When people relate through internet memes and weed , and I don’t, I don’t take it upon myself to be a quite awkward stick in the mud in the room with nothing to say. When someone is worried about their shit, I move their shit. When someone tells me how they can afford to live in the house, and I try to reach a middle ground and help them live in the house, I don’t expect to get chastised and yelled at for it. When I share crab and shrimp I don’t expect to get yelled at over corn. It’s all so petty, stupid, wasteful, angry….and it will never change. The people involved act the way they do because they are afraid of themselves and they are afraid of me. (Read: they’re scared of each other too, not like I’m special.) So be it. The “worst” aspect of what it means to be Nick P. is that I can and will make you think. I’ll remind you when you’re empty, I’ll call you out when you lie, and I refuse to accept exceedingly untrue conjectures about this world or my behavior and personality.

Maybe you can call it complacency, but I’ve gotten used to the idea. I think that I will continue to claw my way to the “top” (read: place of happiness and accomplishment that really has no end) and it will simply have to be in this world and amongst these kinds of people. It’s a sobering thought to say the least. It doesn’t make me happy. It doesn’t scare me. It only makes me wonder about a cure. I can stop asking why; the answer is fear. I still think some people are genuinely afraid I’ll haul off and hit them in the face for disagreeing with me sometimes, which is stupendously funny. I kinda just want to go on a list of typical things they’re afraid of. Afraid of talking…that’s a sad one. Afraid of being wrong. Afraid of what they’re parents will think. Afraid of “looking stupid.” Afraid of being alone, both in thought and without another person. Can this be simplified as a fear of change? A deep ingrained fear of the most inevitable fact of our existence. That would be odd. Or maybe it’s a fear of too much uncertainty or responsibility.

You can’t really be afraid when you feel like you understand something. And you understand something when you actively use your knowledge. How you use that knowledge is important though. You can use your beliefs and religious upbringing to make hundreds of “friends” and you can know all the right verses and things to say to get people waving their hands and or tearing up. To me, this way too manipulative. These things are done to create a net of happiness or security, not necessarily truth or objectivity. When science uses its knowledge of evolution to combat a disease or trace a genetic lineage, regardless of the scientists’ feelings, shit just is. When you predict something will mutate or adapt a certain way, and you’re wrong, you make a better prediction with the knowledge of what doesn’t work. The more you fail, the more you doubt, the better you can become. When you say or do the wrong thing in the wrong religious context, you threaten your very well being. The more you doubt, the more your friends dislike you, the more your parents get angry at you, the more you feel out of place during the things that once brought you so much joy. It’s easy to be manipulated when you’re desperate to be happy and not right. To me, the standard and use of knowledge in these two realms can’t be distinguished enough.

But hey, not like we have free will right, so I can’t blame you for being afraid. You can’t help it right? You don’t believe you’re hurting anyone, or worse, you very much don’t care if you are. Why should any facts of the matter tarnish your precious feelings? How can I be such an asshole and attack them? For me, it doesn’t matter how much denial, fear, bullshit, resentment, anger, confusion, hatred, piety, ego, pettiness, or wastefulness you present me with, I’ll be resolved to contemplating the cure.

[214.11] Titled

Do you know you’re in my dreams?

Can you feel when my thoughts

Are no longer for me,

Distraught over what

We can no longer be.

It never mattered if you cared

Got lost in a place where

You’re empty and scared

Walking alone down the

Spiral stairs

Was it so hard to find an answer?

Watch the clock tick by

Afraid of what you’ll find

Ever waiting, no one forcing

From what are you divorcing?

Did you ever know?

I can no longer think so

To mar innocence

To bar happiness

As some sad penitence

Alas you inspire!

For while I do not weep

And memory fades

You’re with me as I sleep

Do you tire of the fight?

Move past the lies

And tears and cries

Go back to when you

Were we

[214.10] Roll Over

I’m proposing a challenge. Help me drop out of college

I’m staring two papers (total 10 pages) two midterms (total bullshit) in the face and all I can think about is how bad I want to drop out of this fucking place. I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of my life. “Of course” I always am, and to all of you go-getters that say “Do everything you want in your free time just make sure to get the school work done” you clearly don’t appreciate how disgusting I feel dedicating any of my time towards school.

I want to start businesses. It’s a simple enough goal. I want to provide a service, make something, or entertain people for money. Whether it’s introducing rich kids to my hot friends dressed scantily, building custom pong tables, or helping start a coffee shop, it hasn’t taken anyone four years of random classes and unrealistic expectations to wrap their head around this process.

Presumably we are in school for a reason. We are arming ourselves with knowledge to “compete” with our fellow man for the ever decreasing number of jobs and opportunities. We are becoming “well-rounded” and “manageable.” The connections and resources we take away are supposed to influence everything, if only being able to email an old professor. When you achieve in school you matter just a notch more in society and can look down your nose at all those who’ve yet to swallow the amounts you have.

I have more than a few issues with that premise. Let’s take for granted it isn’t evil or purely designed for fucking me and my parents out of thousands of dollars. If you are so passionate about something you can think of no better time than sitting and reading old papers and theorizing new tests to run to further your field, go to college. If you want to be a number on a ledger in a corporate office and consistently told how to manage or behave or look, go to college. If you want to be a doctor, go to college. Anyone else is here out of tradition. Even our prestigious music school will almost certainly never place you anywhere beyond a feeder orchestra maybe making enough for a cheap apartment.

Every day I participate. Every day I shut up and deal, I feel as if I’m actively killing how I actually believe and am struggling to express while still immersed. I care absolutely nothing about how wrong the earliest philosophers and psychologists were about the nature of reality. I could never even persuade myself to care about why stereotypes of men and women exist and how blind we believe we are to advertising. Please oh please make me suffer a 26 year old p.h.d. teacher “skim” an explanation of evolution when I’d put money on at least 10% of the class not even believing in it.

Because we invest so much of our focus in this structure and it being the “only” or “best” way to achieve stability and happiness, we completely ignore and deny the conversations and relationships that could be shaping our current realities. Because there is no money is happiness and creativity. You always need an initial investment, or person to fill in some blank of knowledge. Once you’re “stable and mature” you’ll be capable of taking such risks and having fun with what you always dreamed you’d be doing. Of course by that time you’re 35 and have made much more impactful, and dare I say damning, decisions that provide all the excuses you’ll ever need.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to kill myself over a 7 page paper discussing how people qualify the words sex and gender. I will derive no happiness; I will feel invaluable and wasted. It’s not something I could even remotely have reason to persuade myself to be happy about. And yet, I will watch and feel myself die a little more and struggle to tie together random papers and bullshit to fulfill the requirement and pass. I’m not sure why anymore. I thought it was to perpetuate my current lifestyle, but I could get a job and pay the bills. It’s not to impress parents. It’s not that I secretly do want to go into psychology. And it certainly isn’t the case that I have nothing better to do. Someone please explain to me why I lead such a contradictory lifestyle.

The whole problem is feeling like I have no purpose. I of course subscribe to a ton of purposes, but everything about being in school screams to me the idea that I’m not in control. My choices only matter insofar as they can let me bitch, but still hand over the cash. I can hate to my heart’s content as long as I’m “still doing what I have to do.”

It was here that I originally posted the opening lines of this blog. I want to enable and be enabled. I won’t leave to circle jerk my way around some pet project or ill-conceived dream. I won’t leave to jump right into the fast food or retail chain. I’m not joining the Peace Corps or randomly backpacking the world to find myself. I want to be put to meaningful work. I want to generate a profit. I want to be an example. If you know the people or the projects that want the same things I’m asking for your help to get connected with them. Here’s a secret, this isn’t a hidden world I desperately need to be introduced to, and will almost certainly involve your wishes, dreams and desires.

Of all the material things I could need to start a proper business, of all the know-how I never got in college, I will never escape the guilt of wasted time. No, assuming I really do need to pass midterms and turn in these papers it isn’t realistic to spend 8 hours a day playing guitar and drums. No, when I’m in class during normal business hours, I can’t spend two hours on the phone with the IRS trying to wrap my head around one of ten numbers that tell the government I’m legal. When you’ve got that job maybe jumping paycheck to paycheck it’s not hard to believe that making it out to city hall to hopefully run into someone that matters and can explain to you grants and zoning starts to seem impossible.

It isn’t just your “endless drive and spirit” that gets you places. You need time to focus. You need people to share the burden. You have to know the politics and personalities that will carry into all the future work you do. I can’t pretend that people who succeed to such notoriety or power didn’t have someone open a door or two. Yes, I hold the responsibility to act, but I reserve the right to act efficiently and purposefully. I’ve seen what a few hours or a handful of the “right” people can do to a situation. I’m under no delusion about the value of school or work for work’s sake.

To a greater extent, everything I want I already have. The only missing piece is feeling the pursuit of more. Being able to express how I feel about my life and the people I’ve let into it in a much more grandiose capacity than house parties. How terrible it would be for so much potential to stay trapped in my head.

[214.8] You Say You Want A Revolution

The theme of my recent discussions has been change and perspective. One fun fact that I’m learning, is that apparently in order to want massive change and gain the perspective on how to potentially achieve it, you had to have a stark raving mad parent or two. But that’s neither here nor there.

I am a firm believer that change, very dramatic and significant change, can happen instantly. This isn’t some mysterious notion to me as every new person I meet can take me somewhere or tell me something that instantly starts to take shape in a new experience. If that hidden asteroid hits the planet, in mere moments none of us will be able to ponder what it means to change again. It’s important to note that something simply changing doesn’t mean it is good or bad. My relationship with one person, regardless of how it turns out in a week or month, just “is” and either creates opportunities or doesn’t. The pain in the ass thing about change is that it is a double-edged sword. You can work to make something better, or change how it’s fundamentally run, but its propensity or potential to continue changing more or “backward” doesn’t stop. This is why a phrase like “lasting change” is, on its face, a contradiction.

What is truly important in establishing something is your ability to maintain. Where it gets complicated, is that you have to maintain something that is willing and understanding when it comes to change. The best way I can try to relate this idea is to talk about mental states. I try to keep my mind in a state of perpetual doubt. This doesn’t mean I don’t have ideals or standards, but it means I am and willing to change them if compelling reasons can be made for me to do so. I make my own mental rules for how to deal with any given person or situation. This, apparently, is very different from most people. In my world, when someone is unable to regulate and police themselves, I start to avoid them and/or cut them off depending on the severity of the problem. In the “normal world” when your friend or family member is being unacceptable, you put up with it at the expense of your reason and will.

In order for any sort of massive social reform to take place, I believe many more people have to get comfortable with being, for lack of a better term, cut throat. I cannot convince myself to feel anything towards someone who proves over and again that they are unable or unwilling to practice behaviors that improve or fix problems instead of create them. I am unable to conflate a situation with “love” or “morals,” as they are poorly referred to, if there is a very plain cause and effect nature happening. This moves us on to exploring how a small or skewed perspective perpetuates these disingenuous practices.

For as big as I’d like to believe my perspective is on at least a few important matters, I understand that it is infinitely small. Of course, I’ll never get credit for my humility on that matter, but it’s whatev. What bugs me is how many people feel, not just that they have authority, but that are in fact THE authority on something. What truly makes this upsetting for me is that I venture that this hubris is not from spending 30 years in a library memorizing and getting published, but instead is a manifestation of how passionately they feel about something. Good luck compelling any change in someone like that.

To me, it only seems to make sense to want change when there is a problem and/or goal. Perhaps the most change only happens when there is a combination of both, but who knows. I would want to change how we educate people in this country because of obvious problems. My goal would be not to just improve a school or two, but to utterly reform the structure in a way to promote passion for learning and productive, willing people into society. A further goal would be enough of these people to alleviate other problems that arise when someone is uneducated, unmotivated, and underappreciated. Essentially, I want to change specific problems because their waves of influence will alleviate many more.

You will never “feel” your way to the proper head on the Hydra of problems. It takes a willingness to be objective. You must take responsibility for and action against the results of your analysis. You have to devise and enforce actual consequences when something or someone is wrong. This also speaks to why people don’t change. When you take into account both edges of that sword, you can also say that it not necessarily reasonable or the best thing for people to change what can be assessed as a negative or bad situation. The only way I think I can make sense of this is to talk in terms of family.

It seems to be a theme of existence to have one or more fucked up parents, step parents, or siblings. They are as irrational as the day they threw sand on the playground and they still resent that you stole their dreams. 18 years of them giving you hell and you can finally say “fuck you” and go on your merry way. But wait, they’re paying for college. They bought your car. They have the only recipe for your favorite mint chocolate chip cookies. Is it worth it to cut all ties and see if you can find your own way to pay and support yourself? Probably not. It is at this point that the ever important perspective needs to shine. No, realizing that everyone hates their families doesn’t make putting up with yours any easier, but realizing that you are capable of reacting properly towards, and conceptualizing, their behavior can.

Tammi, or my “mom,” is crazy. When she accuses me of studying witchcraft, I have more options than to get pissed off and write a three page email in protest. I can say, she is extremely weak minded. She is disappointed with herself and her family’s past. She’ll never accomplish more than being an adequate to exceptional secretary, nor does she have any knowledge or drive to express herself in any form beyond that of an insecure and petty dictator. Does someone of my mental caliber and personal respect dignify a person like that? No, so I won’t talk to it. I won’t pretend it makes sense and give it a stage. As long as the school money keeps flowing, I understand there isn’t even a real place to fix what isn’t a real problem. If anything, the only thing I would try to fix is how long offspring are practically forced to remain financially dependent in the first place.

My perspective on the matter doesn’t pretend like the faux expectations about love for one’s mother make any sense. I don’t wrestle with my anger for days and pretend that if I am angry at you it has something to do with unresolved feelings about her. Why is this hard for people? Why is being direct, rational, and honest in your assessment of yourself and other people a literal phobia? No, it isn’t always pleasant to truly feel that you are capable of atrocious thoughts or actions. I know how much you hate it when I make you say, and thus equate, that the “love” for your boy or girlfriend amounts to “well, he’s kinda funny and we hang out a lot” or “I don’t want to be alone.” How can anything be more painful and degrading than pretending you don’t have these thoughts? What purpose does perpetual resent and guilt serve you?

The tragedy is that there are people just like me who simply think and accept, and are overwhelmingly happier and better adjusted than most could ever hope to be. It’s not a secret why they are my friends. It’s not magic that they don’t hear condescension, anger, and sociopathy when we talk. If you want to compel change you have to be the leader of yourself. Even after you choose to do that, you have to guard against the problems that frequently plague leaders. Things like, distracting yourself with superficial and meaningless tasks or people to avoid your mental responsibility, thinking so much you make yourself sick, or settling with a smaller or meager standard that keeps you merely contented or at least stoves off insanity. In the beginning it will feel hard and be your job, but sticking with it will change and dictate who you are.

I personally think that nothing of significance can be done to reform or improve anything in a situation where there aren’t people who grasp and handle themselves. (haha) There won’t be a massive global shift in human rights, drug reform, health care, or any other of the myriad of complex and diverse problems until the leaders are motivated towards objective beneficial change instead of profit. This includes not just money, but power, protection, and influence. Whether you’re hiding behind lawyers and paid politicians or religious dogma, you should not be allowed to benefit from playing off of ignorance and fear. If it’s established that not only is it irresponsible to get too big to fail, but it’s a bad idea to get too big in the first place, we can start to identify and deal with not just specific problems, but problems that don’t carry dramatic or inconceivable implications.

Do you want to be a victim of corporate interest and waves of public feelings and opinions? Our world has already been there and done that with our problems. Do you like the idea of your life laid out in front of you? A “destiny” or sorts to live and die with the tide. If Captain Planet got one thing right it’s that the power is yours. If you understand that and use it right, you’ll find happiness, you’ll recognize opportunities, fix problems, and inspire others. Until then, I’m happy to run my game of pissing you off with endless questions and assessments while touting my know-it-all bad boy attitude ;).

[214.7] How To Read My Blogs

….my blogs.

Note: This and my next blog are in the wake of long ass discussions with Jake George.

It has been brought to my attention that when I write it may be very easy to misconstrue, get your feelings hurt, or otherwise find some way to massively fuck up in how to read my little blogs. With that in mind I decided to provide a set of things you should probably keep in mind before you decide to dive into my thoughts. Now, this is not for those of you who understand that for years I have in fact been writing in English. Nor should you bother with this if I have some sort of emotional hold over you, because frankly, you’re simply not going to believe me and get all flustered anyway.

When I write, if I am not using your name, I’m not talking about you. Yes, I have a recurrence of the days or months events, and you may have been there, or you may feel as negatively about what transpired as I do, but that doesn’t mean you are the topic or even relevant to a later point. I have “called out” specific people in the past about some bullshit action of theirs, and yes it was antagonistic, specific, and was a signal of how little patience I have for those actions, and how quickly I want them to be publicly ridiculed. Be aware, I never just run into a problem and rush to put it on Facebook. From my point of view, you literally have to do everything in your power to refuse diffusing something before it gets big, practically asking for it, before I mention you’ve crossed my thoughts. I care even less about your drama than a random reader who’s never met you.

Apparently, I write or think without a heart. If someone is a friend who no longer acts like a friend, I stop regarding them. I don’t think about them, I literally could not give two shits what goes on in their day to day. When I detail my reasoning, very pointed and play by play of how and why I mentally delete people, it does not mean I don’t give a shit about anyone or am somehow unable to have friends. If this isn’t like “what the fuck did you say that for” obvious for you, you probably shouldn’t bother reading. If you are prone to making insanely ridiculous logical jumps like these, you will fair terribly when it comes to understanding what I’m saying.

I am very dismissive of your feelings. I know feelings can be geared, manifested, and given perspective with proper mental vigor and practice. When someone “reacts emotionally” to something I say, all I’m telling myself is “An irrational person would of course behave and say what they did.” I do not empathize with “feeling my way through my actions.” I like to pretend thoughts and decisions compel me to do things, not physical responses. This does not mean I deny the existence or power of feelings, but I have no patience for them. So, when I go after a religious belief, or harmful action, or failing situation, I truly and completely disregard how you felt, I just state the facts. Call me insensitive I suppose.

Finally, the majority of what I write is me following a line of thought and drawing necessary conclusions. I report, rehash, and reword more than anything. Most of what prompts me to write is people’s own views as conveyed to me through their mouths. If I learn something or say something about religion or relationships, it’s not because I have some grudge or open wound that can only be dressed by bitching. I try to speak plainly and factually, and I want to be engaged in the same manner. I want to be challenged and put in a place to get as many details out as possible. Unfortunately, people hate details. Details make them feel uninformed, pissed off, or drives them to denial and indifference. This is why I don’t write for you, but it’s endlessly redeeming and uplifting when you like or agree with something because it is quintessentially how I feel and think.