[18] Basically, This Is Gonna Be Ruff, Oh Well

So I said I would give up everything and do anything for love and I don't believe I've held myself accountable for that. I want that too good feeling and inner glow of those who know happiness. I no I'm in love and not obsessed because I cherish the feelings I get when I'm with dream girl not just the fact that she's a warm body in the room. Sharing the moment just enjoying the same space. The fulfillment of just talking or having a good time. Saving hair from her comb would be obsessive and putting her before God, not to mention really freakin creepy. I'm taking on Tapper as an accountability partner, hitting church on Sundays, and guarding my thoughts for love. It's worth it. And obviously the route I'm headed in is only taking me towards blogs like the last one. God compels your feelings and basically I can't fail if I take the initiative. I have no more excuses and can't doubt that she'll "see" me or that God's plan is flawed and doesn't work for me unless I sincerely just change. I tell people all the time how simple things are and everything is defined by how you look and think about it. How hypocritical can I be if I don't follow my own advice right? I know I can stop and I know I'll be able to do it easier with holy help. I already know what giving in to sin does to you and how it makes you feel. I know how little and bad I feel when I see some past mistake walk past me in the hallway. But as far and as fast as you can fall it only takes asking for forgiveness to put it in the past. That Relient K song keeps popping into my head "who I am hates who I've been" and I really want that to be the case. Dream girl will see when God is working through me. I wouldn't want anything less. I want to make her happy and can't do it without Him. I want to make good on every promise I've made to her. I always hear "God has someone in store for you so great you can't even imagine it" and when it happens you know. I know, and therefore I refuse to let myself get to me. I know it'll be hard at times. I'm sure I'll crash like crazy and hate and be unable to catch myself, but consistent work, accountability, and responsibility will make those times look like nothings. I keep rehearsing what I would say during that time when we all try to explain the sins in our lives to God. Standing there totally helpless to the might just like beaming all around. Do I just say "I gave up, didn't care, lost out and made excuses, please send me to hell." Or "I did what I could, I tried to change, I pushed towards the feelings you arose in me, I had faith and everyday after I fell or messed up I tried again and pushed and talked and worked to get my head straight, if that isn't more telling of who you intended me to be than any of the things I did wrong along the way then that's up to you." For the record all the "I flew around the world helping people" dreams people type connections with God I think are bad acid trips and terrible ways of relating to people. And you know I can still have my opinions and be a good Christian. God wants you when your down when your heart feels as bad as mine did the other night. And its so much easier to see why he says that when you've reached that point. Its actually scary and a real thing to fear. So basically I'm just going to be all that I preach. I will do anything to keep the love. The "search" and "path" are all in the individual efforts and God wants me to break down to be built up. I feel such strong things for only that girl and can openly see all that's presented to me. There's  a reason right? So I'm not letting my dramatic nature let me fail. If I turn my life around, am forgiven and can start again, work towards being the person worthy to be shown off and actually give up and be that living sacrifice God wants and things don't work out, then and only then can one justify losing faith. And I don't believe that point is reachable and if I can be an example to show others who are thinking they've "done all they could" and "suffered so much" that times can't get better and God isn't there for them then and show or explain to them other ways to look at life and better methods of getting over their own minds that plague them as much as mine does then that can only add to the fulfillment I seek in being used as one of His tools. I'm going to tie up the loose ends and try to keep things on the mello and stress free keel I like. I don't have to deal with half the crap in my life as Dream Girl does so I really do owe it to myself and God to show that I can. Living for someone/thing else and finding yourself…..act, and make it happen.

[17] Lost

I feel like I'm losing my soul. I think one thing, BAM I read the bible and I'm an idiot for thinking that way. O NO I should be like this and I'm terribly wrong for thinking or doing that. Give everything to God? Ok so I say, "God take all this, I'm tired of being depressed, I hate wanting someone I'm not worthy of, I hate feeling so selfish and mean," and then what……nothing? I don't even know. Is heaven really worth the risk of eternal damnation? I can feel my heart turning. The more I read the bible, be surrounded by "friends" who are so well intentioned, so righteous that I don't deserve to know the more hateful of myself I feel. I know its not easy and all grass in greener on the other side all the time in their lives, but in the end they have something, feel something, that I can't.

 I want love. I want to feel fulfilled, I 'd love to see the bible come through in my life so I can get rid of doubt. But now instead of letting the once high times get to me as well as they did, I bring them back down to the thinking level. Then the low times come in and I don't even have something to look back on to get back up. If there is only now, no past or future, just now that we should be concerned with, why the fuck do so many pastors, Christians, other religious figures say "in the future you can hope to get here, one day you'll meet that one special person,  only through consistent self sacrifice can one hope to achieve the personal relationship God wants to have with us."

Well right now, at this moment I'm well aware of what I want, know exactly how to get it, and yet can't achieve it. Fuck, from one thing I read it made it sound that if you kill yourself in some moment of righteousness you'll still go to heaven. Umm conflicting? I'm tired of one end of the bible conflicting with another. It shouldn't be this fucking confusing. I still don't know how to think, and I probably never have. Bible study is supposed to lead you into frustration right? And now I'm supposed to believe that God just won't care about what I get for myself if he's not in my life so distinguishing one from the other serves no means for any proof. I'm lost and tired. I refuse to settle and I continue down this path to self destruction.

What kind of answer for wondering why your questions aren't answered is "wait?" WAIT FOR FUCKING WHAT! Wait for more bible verses to be written? Wait for the Jesus to finally come down and solidify my damnation? Wait to say the ultra wrong thing, make the absolute dumbest mistake, miss the perfect opportunity? I'm waiting to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm waiting to get the opportunity to live for one of God's creations. I'm waiting to find people who stimulate thought and seek understanding without turning a blind eye to questions they don't think their strong enough to handle.

GOD IS LOVE right? GOD IS LOVE. If you can find a better word to describe what I seek, what I hope to have thrive in a relationship, what I don't want to turn my heart against than love I challenge you. So then FOR THE LOVE OF GOD why doesn't anything seem to be working out? How many times do I need to have humility lessons, how much worse do I have to view my past sexual acts,  how much farther do I need to push feelings for her away to feel any closer to God instead?

You know if I can believe in God and feel so bad about all the teachings and sayings in the bible then that would mean it really is the devil that's doing or planting all this bullshit I put myself through. And if that is the case, then again FUCK YOU DEVIL. You're a bitch I'm tired of this shit, you, and God lets you exist for whatever reason, love, what have you, and you're a fucking idiot for taking my thoughts and turning them into "me." Now how the fuck can I faithfully say something like that when I take responsibility for everything I do. I say I'm a terrible person, practically daily. I know I'm tainted goods and feel terrible about it thinking about what I may have lost. I'M TAKING THE FUCKING STEPS, I GET IT, I'M FUCKED UP, I NEED HELP, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!?

YOU compel me to feel a certain way, don't make my choices, but put the feelings there, or so I read from one "reliable" source (bible.com) I know me, I know how I react to people, situations, "life," what have you. So this overwhelming compelling force comes along and makes me want to be this deep, happy, and worthy person who can find God and be secure in his faith and all I end up becoming is someone more difficult who questions his motives for being nice, and makes stupid situations with skittles. I just want to make her happy. I want God to bless me enough to do that.

It doesn't matter what I want though right. The ever waiting Christian.