[983] Good Debt

I’m mildly annoyed and been mildly anxious all fucking day and I want to know why.

Fucking Scampi’s on an adventure, so, like any caregiver to something alive I get to imagine he’s dead until he’s home again. Icing. (He arrives the moment I get done writing.)

I ordered a ton of stuff again. I kept doing the math and thinking to myself “Why not now?” So much of my hang-ups towards progress or enjoyment are about, “I don’t need that” or, “Not yet.” You know before I ordered any sizeable or useful amount from Amazon, I had things sitting in my cart for 5 years? There is absolutely no good reason I can’t keep a job that requires less time than I spend doing literally anything else for 6 months. Especially if during that 6 months, I’ve run out of shit to buy, occupy my time with, or use as an excuse to not inch forward on a project. Also, if the house sells as it’s planned to, my cut makes me even again.

I’m annoyed that I want to keep enjoying and building my home, but I don’t think I can stay in the country. I’m annoyed that I still don’t believe a plurality of people will do anything to make “things” better. I’m annoyed that I’ve reached a certain “fat and happy” status, and all I am is still filled with rage that I can’t seem to enjoy it like I’d like because…you know, fucking fascism and impossible heat and dumb lonely drunk ugly people who want to fucking talk to me at concerts like I fucking came there to see them.

I’m fucking annoyed because today I watched an entire season of The Last Kingdom while sitting in an office, an hour and a half and $50 away, I had absolutely no reason to be in. I then capitalized on a crazy pizza deal and stuffed my fat fucking face with slice after slice trying to quell the emptiness and shake up my day of surfing the internet in work-computer-appropriate ways and getting pulled out of the moment when a battle-hardened Dane says “humping” instead of “fucking.”

I’ve been polishing up the land. The weed-whacking brought some psychological satisfaction. The overgrowth is intense, but a commercial weed-whacker reminds you it’s just some bitch ass grass and shit. I’m going to go around and collect all the random wood and get it stacked up and around the bricks tomorrow. I have one group at 11:00. One. Then supervision at 2:30. I’ll have to see if I can play a game of “look busy and answer emails” while sweating to death and organizing, cleaning up just enough for when I need to be on camera.

Barring disaster, by the end of the year, it dawned on me that I’ll have seen over 90% of my favorite bands live, and some more than once. What does that mean? The same will be said for comedians. Will our respective aura-exchanges speak to my karmic  destiny? Until this year, endlessly indulging in shows and splurging on the means of building and creating shit were all abstract concepts pertaining to my idealized self. Now, my idealized self wants reliable health care, a fucking planet that won’t chase me to Mars, and people to have ongoing active fights alongside with towards the achievement of meaningful ends.

I don’t play the lottery because I think I’ve already won it. If I had a large sum of money dropped in my lap, I’m immediately setting up places to live in the most stable countries. Then I’m forming my influence network towards achieving political ends and diversifying power. All the while continuing to go to shows in more exotic locales and from fancier booths, but with pit access. And I’m definitely getting a fancier pool and bowling lane.

I’m annoyed because I’ve watched people live with 5-10 times more debt than me, and get to just about now start their adult lives with new kids and stable housing. Do they still have student loans? I don’t know, but most people I’ve met have pretty well resolved themselves to never paying them back. It wasn’t “good debt.” It was a debt predicated on a naivety at best and lie at worst. I don’t feel my financial debt in the same way I feel like the pain of what my country was supposed to have promised me. I at least get something, as soon as Amazon drops it off, for the money I spend. I at least get to see myself move around my space and see it grow. It’s like cigarettes. Sure, I need health/car insurance, but what are they really getting me If I haven’t crashed or don’t feel sick? Not a fucking nicotine rush of a pool, I can tell you that much.

The next thing I genuinely have to look forward to is any time spent with “you.” I pretty much know how the concerts are gonna go. My favorite comedians I suspect aren’t going to struggle the nights I see them. I’m going to struggle through the salt in my eyes as I keep erecting walls and rooves in my little corner of the world. But, what are we gonna talk about? Who knows!? Me and Hussain debated faith and god by accident for 2 hours last night. Didn’t see that shit coming, and am still definitely over sky daddy talk, lol even if it’s nice to talk to someone who doesn’t actually act like a malignant religious person, and can hear, “You put your bitches in black sacks,” half a dozen times without getting angry.

Anyway, I’m less annoyed and anxious now. I might be able to finish Tiger & Bunny and get to sleep before 2.

[97] Too Angry For A Title To Matter

Monday, June 16, 2008 at 12:56am

Great Nick, you’ve challenged me to think outside the box now disappear into your little notes section of facebook and don’t’ make it personal.

People infuriate me. Every reason I am the way I am comes from how I see people struggling with how to relate or explain themselves. It’s why I have a handful of “friends.” It’s why I just don’t give a fuck about apologizing for what I say and do. I reflect the kind of respect I see people giving to their opinions and lives. Why am I the radical one for asking someone to make up their mind about whether the world was created in 7 days or not? Why should I have to ask that question in the first place? And even afterward still get to be the pushy asshole atheist who can’t just “let me believe what I believe.” After a “conversation” I just had I can only say that it doesn’t take a religious lunatic or “steadfast” Christian to say and do the exact same completely frustrating and nonsensical maneuvers in response to surface scratching questions. Like I knew I had it in me to make people cry, but I didn’t think it was because I could ask them questions. It isn’t just with never happened religious conversations either. I just read a note from someone who says they don’t really know anything about the candidates, but doesn’t like war, yet wants to vote for McCain because, well she doesn’t know, but wants her vote to count, but isn’t really interested in learning about health care or taxes. AHHHHHH!!!!! Also, she doesn’t believe in global warming no matter how much ice they say is melting into the ocean…..

I’m so unbelievably pissed. The main reason my system in the last blog wouldn’t work is because there are people so unbearably nonchalant about their ignorance, that if they were become fully aware of just how unbearable they sounded, they couldn’t hold they’re idea that “you believe what you believe, and I believe what I believe” so deeply. And what’s a more devastating travesty than that. To have to forego the long fought for excuse that has dragged them through their faith for so long. If it would evoke even the slightest tinge of anger or frustration from you seeing someone walking around the mall with a sign saying something like “All niggers are baby aborters” you might be able to understand just how angry I am hearing the same damn things that don’t make any more sense than that, over and over and over and over, never moving anywhere are making me. Your first thought isn’t “How great freedom of speech is, right on guy!” You aren’t so happy that his belief makes him happy and so motivated to just get out there and share it. Hell, you might find it necessary to go up to him and try and explain just how devoid of logic and harmful that view is on society. Why the fuck am I the bad guy? I’m fully capable of just being a belligerent ass who’s only goal is to come up with the most inventive ways to offend and belittle, and yet I don’t. I get words put in my mouth, people tell me they’re being attacked, I get all this protest when, if I had it my way, I’d just post video links and entire books instead of talking at all. That’s all my “belief” system is coming from. Those are my “opinions.” It simply does not matter how you feel then. You don’t believe in the big bang, you see how the evidence supports it. I don’t believe the earth was created in 7 days because I’ve had an elementary education, not because “it’s just something to believe in that makes me happy.” I literally just want to fucking scream when we can’t even pretend, not even pretend for the sake of English and logic, that we’re talking about the same fucking thing like days being days.

I refuse to give up. I will not allow tears and hurt feelings stop me from trying to help people see that it is NOT OK to just believe what you believe and answer questions with “well I can’t really explain it.” It is not okay to think that a prayer you’ve been asking to come true for years finally happens on your deathbed is a miracle. It is not okay to DENY GLOBAL WARMING for fucks sake! All of this is wrong. Patently wrong! Not because “I SAY SO” or “I REALLY DEEP DOWN FEEL THIS WAY.” I am literally ashamed to be part of humanity.

7 comments

Updated about 5 months ago

Daniel Noah Robbin wroteat 3:20am on June 16th, 2008 I reported your note because it made me cry and question my beliefs and existence. Oh, Nick, I hate you so much! Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 5:10am on June 16th, 2008 And I thought I wouldn't be able to laugh tonight, thank you sir. Delete

Cara Zimmerman (Chicago, IL) wroteat 1:51pm on June 16th, 2008 Well hey sorry for writing what I think. It wasn't meant to make you mad. Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 2:12pm on June 16th, 2008 it just confuses me when someone says they don't like violence and war, but will vote for the candidate who wants violence and war Delete

Daniel Noah Robbin wroteat 3:15pm on June 16th, 2008 But that candidate would be anti-abortion and gay marriage. Those are the issues that will turn this country around. I don't care if a candidate is against war and corruption. If he doesn't wear an American flag pin on his sportcoat, I'm not voting for him! Report - Delete

David M.L. Jaffe wroteat 5:37pm on June 16th, 2008 I love your point of people voting just because they want to. Especially Hillary's feminist supporters. They're holding grudges because Obama won, and are trying to band together to vote for McBush. Oh wait, he doesn't give a SHIT about women's rights. Roe Vs Wade? He wants to get rid of it. He calls his wife cunt on camera. The war, which many feminists absolutely disgust? He loves it and wants to go to war with practically every country on the other side of the world. And yet these feminists support him because Obama beat Hillary. Seriously? If you know about candidates, and you share their beliefs, then go for it. If you have no clue, and want to vote to be cool, OR vote for a candidate that doesn't care about you just because you're holding a grudge against the more sensible candidate, gtfo. I'm hoping Obama can get this country back on track. Maybe he'll turn it around enough that I might like living here instead of planning on moving to Europe once I'm well off, money wise. Report - Delete

David M.L. Jaffe wroteat 5:38pm on June 16th, 2008 And whoever denies global warming is a complete and utter dumb ass... Not trying to sound mean, but uh, take a look around the world's climate shifts.