[1125] 10 Paces

What's the argument you wish to have?

I find myself exasperated. Incidentally, it's not regarding any one thing or because I've come off some nonsense exchange online. I'll start just discussing the variables feeding my thoughtful moment.

I watched a documentary called "Uncharitable" about the hole nonprofit organizations got dug into after bad reporting and mischaracterizations about how funds are used. Macklemore released a song about the Israel/Palestine conflict. I had a session with a client yesterday in which she reported being more or less cured of the reason she was referred to me. I've been helping a friend navigate how and what to communicate with herself and her partner. I've began the CASA training and am about a month away from maybe starting groups funded through the health department.

It's a series of seemingly disparate sources of influence that at least provoked the opening line wondering what the argument you wish to be having really is.

I find a sickening reassurance when someone with maybe an advanced medical degree says something I do, or have said, in one of my analytically complaining blogs. For all of their brains, time invested, and connections or resources I haven't discovered, they're fucked by the exact same forces, at a larger scale, and are as flabbergasted as I am that this is how it works. Their funding runs out. They're criticized for budgets no one is interested in genuinely scrutinizing until years later. Bureaucratic or capitalistic entities with even minor stakes in your given mission find ways to obstruct.

What's been clear for decades is that we have the technology. We have the money. We have the manpower. We look at the totalitarian things China can accomplish in a decade as an antagonistic ongoing proof if we could only be persuaded to forgo a chunk of our individualistic pathology to manifest destiny.

The nonprofit person is arguing for something broadly conceived of as "obviously good." It's self-evident when you watch a child drink literally shitty water, if you can install a well for less than your coffee budget that month, everyone could have fresh water. It's not a thought experiment, for your average genuine do-gooder or resident of The West, whether or not veterans should have health care. Most people grasp immediately the consequences of pollution, threats to food supplies, and mass migration when you draw the seemingly stupid-proof arrows of what's been happening as a result of climate change.

The kind of person described above lives in an entirely different universe from the naked "capitalist." It's several worlds away from the malicious psychopaths and narcissists we know tend to rise to power across influential realms. They don't know, until it smacks them soundly, the nature of "the problem" that interrupts their ability to do obviously good things. Until relatively recent history, most might be forgiven for this as levers of government have previously demonstrated a capacity to actually demonstrate the will of the demos, if only briefly.

When you give a TED talk, what's your goal? If you think it's to "convince" the random asshole like me who's going to watch 200 TV episodes for every TED talk, you're probably at a TEDx event and don't understand the assignment. You're there to talk to all of the richest and most influential people in the room. You want them to engage in trickle-down propaganda. You want to ignite an evangelical belief system around your cause and perspective. You're a culture warrior, and you fight with words and compelling mildly enlightening and chuckle-inducing stats and facts served as sermons.

I get "comfortable" the more I contemplate my "real enemies." I have an almost-zero desire to argue with anyone regarding Israel/Hamas. Why? Don't I have the will, brain power, or basic human empathy to listen to their "points?" No. They don't have points, and it's not an exercise for your brain.

The mismatch begs to run again. There's people who wish to genuinely fix things against people who've never figured out how to fix things. People who fix things are hungry to learn, grow, and change. People who never figure our how to fix things scream, chant, and share empty anecdotes. You can't pretend to have a reasonable perspective on something you're unwilling to break open and contextualize. You can't claim to concern yourself about "human rights" when you pick the popular thing that flares up every few years, but have no regard or concern for the ongoing atrocities anywhere else.

It's co-opting and peacocking versus doing the work. You could be getting aggressively aggrieved by the actual forces that perpetuate the kind of violence you pretend to be incensed by. You know what fuels violence? Magic sky-daddy beliefs. You know what fuels violence? Cultures that bag their women. Your language, in the right setting, causes things to escalate. Your resistance to other forms of power causes friction. You, using your energy to fight and argue with the wrong things makes the entire exercise a parody and performance. It fuels the worst habits of attention-seeking media, and your ego, and the hopelessness that ushers in fascist "fixes."

My enemy is the willfully indignant, impatient, irrational, and imprecise. It's not been my worst bosses in ambivalent or capitalistic machines. It's not the power any one police force exerts sometimes disingenuously or disproportionally. The idiots chanting Jew-hating mantras aren't my enemy, necessarily, nor are the most liberal women and children positioned as bullet barriers Gaza has to offer.

When the in-crowd chanter attacks me for telling them where the saying came from, now they're the enemy. Now, the argument shifts from direct confrontation to an internal one about whether or what's worth it in service to the asymmetric influence on culture. I'll keep writing, sure. It doesn't cost anything but time well spent and it makes me feel better. When a religious fanatic (who certainly doesn't feel fanatical) asserts "There is no debate!" Hello, new enemy, who's actually just a weak approximation of the behaviors I wish to holistically influence through other practices than continuing to talk past or inflame further.

Gang violence gets better when you get kids enrolled in after school programs and provide support to their parents at home. Illiberal children screaming about issues they don't understand need to be surrounded by educated, patient, and persistent people. Institutions used to stand for something they no longer seem to. Debate and conversation are literally the only option if you care about the inevitable violence that will follow otherwise.

My enemies are timeless. The sin-system bores them out fairly well. I don't want my misdirected pride going viral. I don't want to be high on my own supply of mod-approved opinions. I can't figure out how explicitly not conservative I am, and yet, it's the crazy anger-inducing people "on the other side" that are bothering to entertain new information. They proceed to shit all over it in the forms of Kellyanne Conways, Ben Shapiros, and Candice Owens', but the remotely reasonable thing will slip out of their mouth that were you more patient with those types than me, might genuinely help you construct your argument or behavior. I wish I lived in a world where those idiots could speak and I trusted 95% of all who heard them would know explicitly how batshit they were. My argument includes striving for that kind of world.

You're under a spell. You have to be to function. It's not necessarily a malicious spell. I still think very highly of myself no matter how many days I spend mostly watching TV. I'm not installing the next shit-free well somewhere in the world. I'm not flooded with needy families I'm doling out sagely advice to. I'm not doing something akin to "training in the off season" so that when I get lucky "one day" i'll neatly fit into the mold of some dreamlike opportunity I always believed was coming if Just…prayed? enough. That's not the kind of spell I'm under anymore. I can fix very little, ever, especially if it's beyond my current level of awareness or concern. I can scratch the itch on my arm. I can talk to a friend in need. I can budget, if never really afford, potential steps for a later date. I can enjoy the last of my port wine.

What is my argument? Every day you're alive is a gift. Of all the things available calling for your attention, are you aware of what you're using for inspiration and why? I think you should figure out what you actually want to fight and why. I think we're all cliches who rhyme with patterns that either build or destroy. You can build your self conception and capacity to meaningfully speak or work across topics. You can crash like a drunken elephant into town after town you barely registered where even there and certainly didn't care who they consisted of. My enemy is "religious fervor" and "deeply held personal beliefs" that make it impossible, at specific points of contention when you try, to fix anything.

A volunteer is getting paid. Maybe they only know how to spend the currency, but it's not because they're especially moral or better or less blind to their motivations. Maybe it feels good. Maybe it looks good. Maybe it gives you a chance to formulate your asymmetric attack on a problem you couldn't begin to fix other ways. You're volunteering yourself to all sorts of shit at all times. In my experience, it's in service to getting taken advantage of. It's in service to someone else's pathological allegiance to their insecurity and immaturity. It's to the "hive mind" of the attention for its own sake and internet clout. The ones who can use that energy and misdirection will keep you spinning forever.

[1097] This Is Only A Test

I want to dig a little deeper into an old theme that's snapped into focus a bit recently.

Framing. How you frame your circumstances feels like it's taken heightened importance to me. You're never "right" or especially "perfect" in your perspective. It's the first fundamental mistake people make - believing your own bullshit too deeply. What makes it "too" deeply? Your words don't match your actions, your phrasing manifests as broad cliches, and you let the consequences of feeling stunted, handicapped, and terrible play out more than not.

I was listening to Sam Harris and Chris Anderson, of TED talks, recently. They seemed overly concerned with how to enlighten the rich techno-dorks to invest and do good after the Sam Bankman-Fried chaos around effective altruism. It felt detached yet familiar to me. They want to embolden the wealthiest to try to make large impacts. I try to get the hapless catastrophizing souls in my orbit to do literally anything practical and consistent to change how they talk about their circumstances. I haven't needed a billionaire to inspire me to get the land, try to be in business for myself, or defend my perspective on the nature of exploitative capitalism.

When your frame is actively cultivated for you through the media and algorithms, it's a wonder more people don't feel obligated and incensed to push back more aggressively. One of the reasons I write is to look for how often, and if it's too much, I'm blaming some broad conception of the world or sliver of history for why I have or haven't acted in some way. All things being true about "capitalism," "fascism," "greed," "laziness," "the world," "stupid people," etc. where's my time, money, and effort going? Am I 35 dreaming about owning land one day, or am I 8 years into the project? Am I letting my jaded anxiety prevent me from investing in ongoing creative ways to sustain an effort to do good social work? Or have I spent $2000 to become a nonprofit and hire people to fundraise and write grants?

I've been as "lazy" and "directionless" and "bored" and "lonely" and "wanton in my spending" and "disorganized" as I've ever felt or been the last couple months. And yet, somehow, I've reignited my capacity to be an exceptional guitar player, achieved nonprofit status, hired people to submit grants, done more squats and completed more books than I have in years, won a court case, and have continued to build, at least 35 so far, more shows into my future to look forward to. A majority of my focused actions speak to my values and what I continue to want for my future, even if there's an infinite void of space between what feels like "progress" or "hope."

From the moment I uttered my plans or dreams for the land, I've fielded dozens of what I consider "empty" sentiments of, "Oh my God! Me too! I want to do…."whatever it is that inevitably calls for a garden, raising animals, focusing on artistic pursuits, and fundamentally eschewing the grind or rat race or money for its own sake. I hear it constantly. They follow so-and-so on Tik Tok. They have a Pintrest dream wall. They know of some land in the best location and their friend is totally going to help them once their job… Like, I have to stop myself from getting judgey and condescending when I think about it. But it's the cliche. You dream and do nothing, because the story is meant to placate taking responsibility and sacrificing.

I don't even think that's a particularly blunt or cunty way to state it. The habit is to begin listing current or other responsibilities. This is done as though every remotely functional adult doesn't have similar conditions they're working under. It's also the time to dip into an infinite list of "what ifs." This is done to obscure more fundamental obligations that get ignored or dismissed because the metaphorical equivalent of a screaming child needs to be attended to indefinitely, so all of your questions about whether or not it's vaccinated or well-fed are kind of, "Inappropriate, don't you think?"

I think the more I developed a habit of describing every moment as "both and" all at once, the more I discovered what it even meant to take responsibility for my actions, words, or ideas about how or whether to achieve something. It's always complete shit, and always amazing and as good as it can ever get, all the time at once. "You" then consist of your choice to frame that reality. Every moment you drop the frame, you're at probabilistic whims. Every moment you defensively assert the privilege and power of your infinitely compelling snapshot frame, you'll undermine your capacity to escape the hollow space it carves for your existence.

I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life hearing people's empty professions and appreciation for what I'm attempting to do or am doing. I know it has nothing to do with me. I know that what I hope to achieve has nothing to do with them either. For the sake of my project, I have to return to the 3 things I listed initially. Do my actions align with my words and values? Am I more shitty than contented? Can I offer an informed and comprehensive view of what I'm doing, or can I sweep it all under a cliche that's wildly too positive or negative?

I don't want to be miserable. I don't want to act happier or better off than I am. The lesson is to be flexible, comprehensive, and consistent. Bitch and moan, but then go do something about it. Grieve, and then throw a party. Cite all the reasons not to, and match and exceed them with what it takes to do the thing. I've never been more convinced at how aggressively we get in our own way than as I've achieved more and more of what I want, and can't even give it away. Because it's not up to me how and whether you allow your perception to receive, accept, and work with what it takes to get the same things. No one gave me land. I've offered it for free since the moment I've had it, and one person has chanced creating something on it in 8 years. I got my fucking spine tapped twice to afford it in the first place.

Everything I get or pursue is in service to something larger. I didn't want land, per se, I wanted affordable stability. I wanted to play and experiment and make big fires. I wanted to pursue entrepreneurial ideas and own the tools and learn the ways to be more sustainable. Do you really want your little cabin and a garden? I bet the dream stops there. Do you want to exercise? Because that's gardening. Do you want to sell the food or get better at making healthy meals? Do you want to genuinely practice some craft or hobby? Do you want to use your extra funds to come to more shows with me or travel? You don't actually know what you want, so you stick with whatever you have. I want a constantly growing list of things, experiences, chances, and options. I know my effort isn't wasted, and I know how I feel before, during, and after I fit another piece of what I want into my perspective.

I've said it before, but I'd argue most of my clients don't struggle with "addiction," broadly conceived, but with their self-conception. Once you get the cravings at bay, you are presented with the obligation to form the story of your self worth. You have to own your past decision making, figure out your true motivations, navigate complicated emotional ties with people who might, in the long run, get you killed if you don't break away. You're not hopelessly at the mercy of your drug/s of choice. You're at the mercy of yourself. Do you accept the contradictions and work to prove them as compliments to iterating states of being? Most people most of the time, implicitly or otherwise, say definitively, "No." Cue the excuses and apologists.

Your problem, when less explicit than heroin, is the same as everyone's. It's existential. Why are you here? Is there a moment you decided to live for something, yourself, your values, your truth, or are you flailing at the end of dozens of stories about how you "should" be? You need to get married and settle down. You must work (x) amount of hours at a respectable job and play nice with every emotionally abusive and soul-draining relationship you've ever been offered. Take on school, home and car debt. Have kids, say the right things, but stay silent most often. Heed the advice of the most willful or talkative and who you, incorrectly, perceive as most powerful. Give it up to a god. Grind. Love or hate this or that. Buy now.

[73] Just Give In

I just got done re-watching Tony Robbins talk at TED and it helped to remind me of something important. Why happy people can stay happy and sad people sad centers around one thing. Giving.  When you have nothing to offer, nothing to give, and no place that cares or needs to learn from you consequently you feel like shit. I know that personally this sentiment makes sense especially when I think I have something to offer that isn't being utilized. I think many people don't realize what they are in fact giving in the first place. This would account for why it is so easy to drink, smoke, and randomly hook up as "cures" to the (sub)conscious ailment.  Hell, come to think of it, this probably does make sense for why people are in shitty relationships and pretend they are puppets of their religions.

    When someone doesn't give anything to themselves it is easy to see where an emotional giving crutch mechanism can take hold of their minds. "I'm too fat, stupid, lonely.. ect." Translates into "he/she needs me, I can excuse that, at least here's something, anything, to do." Robbins used the example of violence and guns to make a street punk go from nothing to significant in the blink of an eye. What do we use in college. The trinity; alcohol, drugs, and sex. Maybe you don't have a personality, anyone to coach in class, or athletic skills, but you can hook up anybody to anything if they want it. Parents riding you about grades and your future, mine too, puff puff give. Its only about fun though right? Let's just kill the monotony of everyday life and forget. We're social animals and this is the most common way to just blend in and associate. 

    It's really hard for me to understand that reasoning because 1. I can't imagine how fun it is to balance between walking straight, losing clothes, and maybe throwing up (Which, if we're being honest is usually along the road of foreseeable futures if you like to party) 2. People perpetuate their own situations, if you think life is boring, your making boring choices, 3. I don't want to forget. I can barely remember things that should hold significance as it is let alone justify actively retarding my brain that much more, 4. I fit in with people who fit themselves. If you have an identity then there is no need for a pathetic excuse like alcohol to keep any sort of relationship we have in tact or worth it. By offering booze and drugs your offering nothing and then to feel confused about why I don't take it is to remain baffled by your own lack of self fulfillment. Nothing that even hints on a border of the aforementioned is remotely close to being a good excuse to drink.

    How does this then play into the religious mindset? Well they're giving the Word of God. They are giving love, truth, and hope. They are giving the secrets of the universe. Is there anything more empowering? When one hears these claims and then watches that same person stay constantly depressed or self defeatist and yell  "God damn it!" as they stub their toe on the way out of church, is it that hard to see just how little it is that's being given? I have this one friend Tapper who's definition of God is love. Tapper's a pretty loving guy so go figure the religious mindset or lifestyle works exceedingly well for him. I have other friends who are in the habit of making a bunch of the claims above in one hand, living and feeling another way in the other hand.  The way religions work are the same way drugs work in that they provide an "escape" from yourself and "work" to make you forget about the down pour of negativity. It doesn't matter if it's true, it doesn't matter if it kills your body, it is just a means for an end you can't reach.

Connect with yourself, connect with people, go do shit. It's a seemingly simple enough formula.

Tony Robbins talk Here

[111 (159)] Eureka Moments Like These Don't Come Often Enough

Wednesday, July 23, 2008 at 8:56am

Shame on me for neglecting TED talks for so long. I've just finished watching Dr. Martin Seligman's talk about the three kinds of happy lives, and the bads and goods of psychology over the last 60 years. I won't pretend to be as capable of explaining the details so look at His talk and His site. I strongly urge you to check these out for yourself. What I would like to go into are the little eureka moments that hit me when I was listening to him.

What are people after in life, and will their drives actually manifest into happiness? The number one kind of happy life, according to Seligman's research, is the one that adds (1) meaning. ::HUGE COUGH:: I know right, exactly what religion has been touting since its conception. The "lesser" of the two lives involves (2) recognizing ones strengths and likes and engaging in them as often as they can, thus producing more "flow." The last characteristic is (3) being super social, usually feeling love, and being able to make a habit of positivity. Well, show me the talented activist(2) who actively engages hoards of people(3), all while believing he is devoted to the infinite brilliance and love that is God(1), and I'll show you someone who is 100% supported by science to be predisposed to proselytize on behalf of the truth and meaning in religion.

Think about any tough subject you've had to master or at least learn about. I'll choose playing the guitar in hopes of remaining clear. Before I started, my mental "flow" consisted of dreams about shredding or being the campfire entertainment. Anyone who's started to learn an instrument can easily understand how quickly cogs get thrown into your dreams. Some overcome it, many more give up or stay mediocre. So transpose this into a religious framework and compare it to scientific understanding. In truth, there are many people who treat bible study and ancient languages to the scrutiny they require, but I'm talking more general. Any scientist with the prerequisites to publish in Scientific American or Nature has done years of research and work to get where they are. What does it take to become a born again Christian? A dunk in a kiddie pool and meager church attendance. After reading over this and thinking the gap may still lead to an unfair analogy, I'll make it more personal. What did it take for me to coherently engage in discussions about the origin of life, the universe, evolution, the bible, etc? Three years of reading, watching videos, and too many frustrating discussions, and it isn't like I've reached some sort of end in my understanding. What does it take for the guy on Facebook to ask me "knock-out" questions that ten independent fields of science are devoted to refining answers for? Ya...

Those scientists and those Christians are both in pursuit of the same thing, but frankly, the Christians are after the meat of the happiness without stumbling over the cogs we all have to live with when we actively try to understand something. They will readily and openly admit this to you as their “faith.” Someone particularly apt in biology, who's flow of life has led them to understand evolution, should not have to debase their work and time engaging in debates and legal battles. I think with the flow idea in mind, it is quite obvious something about many religious people isn't flushing. You can be a desperate loner, yet still abuse your faith in a god. You can know absolutely nothing about the world and universe you live in, and still claim that golden nugget of meaning, albeit second-handedly, through the eyes of a god. For me, the pieces of the puzzle might as well be labeled in numerical order at this point. You want the same kind of fulfillment and meaning that religion claims by the throat? Here's the work of Dr. Martin Seligman who can tell you more about your potential for positive psychology than you'll ever find in your death-cult's book.

I remember a conversation with Mr. Bowman talking about how great it would be to have the power to just shoot all the stupid people. These mostly consisted of Showplace customers and library patrons, but in truth, I think we should point the guns at the lazy people. I think it is the laziness of thought that entices people to ponder and engage in the myriad of stupid facilitators. That would be me nipping it in the bud.

Religion is sometimes called our first attempt at science; for the obvious reasons above. It is just the recognizing of the fundamental truths about what makes us happy. Congregations of ten people don't last long, bad preachers are directly ignored, and if it wasn't all going back to God, then we would be all too quick to ask "What's the point?" Do you still wonder why I instantly bat away all the magical analogies that depict the portrait God has painted on your soul? Yet again, the power of our reason and hard fought intelligence has shined and shown us the way to happiness. Shucks, you don't have to take it on faith, wallow in sin, nor fear eternal hellfire to benefit from (and you will) what it's offering.

[49] Who The Hell Knows Where This Was Going

Place: Ted.com

Discussion: The End of The World
You should be: Concerned

I recently learned, thanks to heretical science, that about 20% of people are clinically depressed. This was a just a fun fact on a discussion about the end of the world and the different things that threaten to end human existence. The universe is a scary place. No one is really thinking about being hit by an asteroid, or a solar flare burning our atmosphere, but as Philip K. Dick so elegantly put it "Reality is that which, even when you stop believing still exists." According to Stephen Petranek here there are a multitude of ways we are not-so-slowly killing ourselves.

I was hung up on the depression fact though. Its my "mystic" or "spiritual" belief that one way or another we are all connected be it because we're from the earth or because the entire universe is the same particles we are. When I was reading stuff from Deepak Chopra he talked a lot about the unconscious energy field, or that space in your mind that "knows" things w/o you truly thinking about them. Well this mental epidemic made me think about animals and how they "know" when shits about to hit the fan before natural disasters. Ya, I'm bout to get all head trippy, just ride it out. At the same time of me having such disdain for humanity as a whole I still can't forsake the urge compelling me to give people the benefit of the doubt. While intelligence appears to be fleeting from conscious people I like to believe that the back of the mind part can't be tampered with. If I'm right then I would supposed that people are becoming more and more depressed because the "collective unconscious intelligence" is really letting the facts of our plight filled universal situation sink in. Picture it as a massive brain where dreams come from and when you can get into a lucid state the entire world is literally at your grasp.

I've talked a lot about fear and laziness in the past, thank you Waking Life. I think the issue gets more complicated that just being afraid. People don't even know what it there is to be afraid of anymore. Even more likely they've realized there are too many things to be afraid of. Evolution has taught them to be afraid, they survived from dodging bullets and suppressing the urges to investigate, at least the ones who've made it thus far. Now when people care more about drunk drivers or getting mugged who the hell honestly believes there is a better chance of dying from an asteroid than in a tornado? I think I've found good reasons why people are lazy when they aren't justifying it because they are afraid. Personally I feel like sitting and thinking or sleeping does more for my mental state than 90% of the bullshit I try to force into my head in class. I think being relaxed and contemplative can lead to amazing insight and clarity even if it need be only for yourself. I think there is a ping-pong effect in our brains. It bounces back and forth between new and exciting to dull and old to scary and threatening to imaginative and wonderful and no one feels like they have any control over the paddles.

I try to face my death everyday. At least once before I fall asleep I'll think about what if some random ass thing happens and takes me out. Someone may be saying "but nick, you say there aren't any "what-ifs" no future or past just now" and yes this is true but this what if dosen't paralyze me with fear like the ones I hear from my friends. It's one of the only ways I can really direct my thoughts and my actions into the best ways of making me happy. Whenever I buy some expensive thing or act "crazy" its because there may never be a moment to show you who I really am again after one car accident, asteroid, or disappearing rain forest. You think that just because you believe something different than me is making me insecure and defensive? In reality I am just frustrated how people can go so frivolously about their lives w/o ever for a second thinking "am i happy? what makes me happy? is this the truth?" I don't like science because it's like anti-god or offers all the best solutions. I like it because its humanitarian, it focuses on things that enrich life, it tries to protect you from yourselves despite scorn and ridicule from misunderstanding. Ladies and gentlemen we are dead and dying, live it up.

Every time I think about getting a nice house or cool thing to play with there's always the people I care about right along with me in the mental picture playground. Half the crap I do with my life is because I'm thinking that somewhere down the line I might be able to add to a fun time around a fire playing my guitar, or I might be able to throw a kickass movie party around a pimp ass tv. I want to make people I like happy, and I like people I know will be able to appreciate the underlying fabric of the moment. You can't teach or preach "the imminent moment." Its something you have to learn and embrace and practice. It's the one thing that can be totally you no matter what faces you've tried on throughout your life. Everyone is telling you, let me repeat, everyone is telling you the rights and wrongs of life.

When do you get your say?

[40] Purpose Driven Life

So I'm watching Rick Warren's talk on TED called Living a life of purpose. He believes that servitude is what people's lives are geared toward or engineered by god. I can empathize with this. I don't agree that it had to be god to make it so, but I do think its an important part in understanding on the route to self awareness. I just watched another talk about the backward understanding to show how evolution has created things with such a magnified purpose today. I simply cannot just throw out the idea that it isn't, at least in some sense, about you. It doesn't make sense to say how awesome you are and how much god likes to watch you live if its only about god. I can't grasp it. I want to live for someone else. At the same time I'd feel validated and happy because my evolutionary drive, which is inherently "me," was pushing towards the best mindset for self preservation. I think inherent self centeredness is not something to be ashamed of or looked down at, just something to be recognized. It doesn't take away from any expression of love. It doesn't invalidate any choice about the areas I choose to acknowledge as purposeful. Its just there. I really dislike when people say "you weren't an accident." When they say it, it implies that science is simply calling you an accident and therefore without purpose. It automatically presumes that a basis for existing based on fact and understanding is meaningless and propagated by some form of evil. You can have purpose and find meaning in life as a result of evolutionary process. You can say that the very fact you made it, are at the tip of the information age's ladder is the "reason" for you to exist. Warren goes on to talk about influence. How you should use yours for those that don't have as much. I don't really know what to think about this statement. It, to me, tends to reduce people he views as "lesser" to having less influence than the famous basketball players he talks to. In all actuality, despite the road being bumpy or not, to me, everyone has as much influence as they allow themselves. They can say something or impart an idea and it can randomly take off whether it was said by a basketball player or homeless guy. Obviously, the publicity will be one sided and the connections are in favor of the rich. The overlying idea stays the same. While you may have this drive to live for something else its not your charge to step in and profess it for anybody else. I wish more than anything I could be all I could be for ms. Dream girl, but no matter how crazy I make myself over the subject its not my job to use my influence, knowledge, or sense of self to impose over her my views on why I think we're meant to be. I just simply want to be because it just feels right and seems to make sense. Without religious views and pressures from other outside influences, I have faith that, we could just be. Exist together to find another purpose or greater sense of right that couldn't be realize apart. Living evolution. If its my charge as one of the best and brightest to perpetuate the evolutionary chain and provide for a promising future, you can bet I'll be the one to find someone so fitting its literally painful to think of settling for anything less.

It goes back to the arguments about what we can't explain. The voids that people want to fill with god because science hasn't gotten there yet, or may never get there. My "definition" or personification or embodiment what have you of "god" would be that undeniable and inexplicable force making you faithful in something. It doesn't have to be beyond all reason. It doesn't have to be in denial of other things. It doesn't have to be pre ordained and waiting for you. Perhaps you can't always perfectly reason and logically deduce you faith, but its still there. I'd hate to think that love is just a fundamental principal of evolution, and then again what if? Guess you'd have to understand a lot about the nature of evolution. Either way the point is, without faith altogether one can't seem to find purpose, not because they don't have faith in god. God then again because the excuse, crutch, for people too tired or ill informed to know how or where to look otherwise. So again, your faith doesn't reason or justify your convictions and beliefs it simply comes about because your born opinionated. Is that feeling in your gut a ball of residual fear propelling your "faith" or a driving force from something so right its diminished by mere definition?