[341] Because You're Kinda Cool, I Guess

The burden of being extroverted. After coming from another baller night of hanging out and having fun I have nothing but a reeling mind. This is what they mean by gaining energy from social situations to a T.

So I've been scheduling a ton of events, granted maybe a week or so in between or small get-togethers that may have happened anyway by virtue of people being bored, but scheduling them nonetheless. This is part of my insidious plan to make sure no one ever feels grown up to overburdened by life or work. If in the past it was everyone getting completely wasted, which don't get me wrong I'm not against, these seem to be just opportunities to take your mind of things in general.

Now, there's a second part of my insidious planning. You well know that I never shut up. Whether it's talking into the blissful abyss of facebook, or just being loud in a gathering, apparently I have some form of vocal or mouth disorder that just keeps it coming. You heard it too, now think of visuals.

What I love is in the aftermath of the big loud gathering is the sidebar conversations. Probing why it may or may not be acceptable to qualify me as an asshole or discussing your relationship or why someone got particularly bitchy for seemingly no reason.

I LOVE, and I hate that word, these conversations. It's where, for me, you get a chance to strip away a ton of pretext, even in the potential feigning of energy for a social situation, and just get to further know each other. For as interconnected as we allegedly are via facebook or our phones, I can always and still find myself exploring new ground with friends.

It's a double edged sword sometimes. I get like really into those conversations and get, at least in my mind, super cool with people, and then maybe they just get bored with me. Maybe they move or just decide I'm not quite the right person for their life anymore. Haha, could I sound more lost puppy? This is where you learn to practice a kind of detachment. This is where it can take years of scattered get-togethers and interactions before it sort of clicks completely.

But I'm certainly no less excited for meeting and making new friends. I hope that whatever vibe it is people have managed to find it doesn't fall off dramatically. I constantly remind myself that the only truth is change, so when it seemed borderline that it may be worth sort of going radio silent and scouting out new opportunities, this just comes at a genuinely opportune time.

I understand that I'll likely always have significantly more time and energy to do things than most people. I hope that the making of a ton of events doesn't have the opposite effect and like alienate people for not “getting on my level.” Part of the idea is that not everyone's going to make it to everything and I want opportunities to chill with mixed up crowds or have someone who's got nothing to do aware that I'm at least trying.

I'm just really happy right now and don't want to talk myself out of it. This vibe feels like the “distant past,” oh those 2-3 years ago, you know, when we were young.

[340] And Keep Your Feet On The Ground

I'm always going to be a bad human being. I'll act in spite of. I'll make examples that you thought never needed be made. I'll burden myself with the responsibility of reminding you of the kind of reality I see. Some people appreciate this. I think most wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

I can't forget. I'm unable to escape. “Just be happy” is not on my menu. “That's life” isn't either. I merely like to be an expression. I want to show the opposite of what you took for granted. Just because. People don't operate like this. This I'm highly convinced is a weird corner I've managed to back myself into. I'm never content. I'm never accepting. I'm not me if I'm not showing you why you got it the fuck wrong.

It's a good thing I have fun with it. I'm flabbergasted I have friends sometimes though. I know I can reign in comments and play nice enough. But fuck me if I don't feel like you're doing me a favor in putting up with the coyly codified “cynicism” I thank you. And I think it's wrong to think it comes from a place of anger. It's more provocation. I've learned how to be baited, now I play with what might get you on the hook.

I try to settle on “why I do things” with an answer that screams “because it makes sense!” Whether it's “for good or for bad” I think that there's something to be, at the very least discussed in my particular form of reaction. Maybe you're not interested in what I think I'm trying to say. That's never been the point.

I feel like I'm constantly hinting at my personality. You think you have a good enough idea and it only so vaguely potentially influences what you think from time to time, sure. I don't think I'll have an opportunity to actualize without a veritable Herculean effort over the course of many years. It's frustrating on one end, but absolutely necessary and appropriate on the other.

I want more people on my side. I feel like for all my “lofty” ideas and even loftier ideals, it's all good in theory, or at the very least not concerning those who would “fundamentally morally stand in opposition” of some edict in particular. I can scream into a crowd and not turn a head. That's kind of terrifying to me.

Resolving yourself to be alone is a weird thing. You let the pragmatism take over. You make caveats for people who proport to be with you. But at the end of the day, much as the schizophrenic is better at diagnosing the person claiming to suffer from schizophrenia, you're alone until you get called out or related to in a particular way. I really hope I'm able to tell a compelling story before it's all over. That's really all I want.

[338] Superficial Head Wound

I might be diving into an empty pool, so here's to breaking your neck.

By now, you probably know I don't qualify any sort of overall purpose to life. This leaves many with a void filled with fairy tales and excuses. This creates a dialogue designed to evade and defend. And as long as it's personal nobody bats an eye. They don't care what your hobbies are, how you make your money, what you really think about some topic or generally whether you're even qualified to engage with said topic.

People are “polite.” If you're fat, maybe you can't control it. If you smell, they'll just stand up wind. The word “offense” takes the form of a divining rod used to beat away that which makes you uncomfortable or assaults your moral sensibilities. People can argue sometimes to the point of breaking years long friendships or until their families lie in the wake. This, for what seems to be a general idea of Almighty Me.

I think I see and engage with this politeness because there's an idea that no one should step on my toes and I won't theirs. No real definition of what that stepping would look like. No real appreciation for whether or not struggling with a topic could breed new insight. Just a common sense that it's none of your business, nor any of mine, let's carry on well-enough until we die.

Given my inability to do magic and utter hatred for excuses, I dictate a purpose. Why value the system I would put in place? Because I want to be “scientific” about it. I want my toes stepped on. I rank, I judge, I get bored of people who pretend they don't. All you doctors, volunteers, teachers, or general “when I give a fuck, my job contributes to human well being” you're the best! You win, at least in that area in life, and provided you're actually helping and not “just doing a job.” I'm not saying you have to care, I'm saying you can't take your position for granted and get lazy. I think society owes you for this.

I then wonder what gives people that charge. Why doctor, or educator, or well digger. Surely some people do it because of familial or society pressure, or maybe they could just afford to do so and then why not. Hopefully most do it because they feel a genuine sense of reward or accomplishment. I have to think, a fair amount go into because of Almighty Me. “I”m a doctor!” You can shout because every test you took and all the money you'll eventually make speaks to who you are as a person, right? Because we need things to speak to who we are as people.

I certainly do. My preferred method has been to primarily treat people I think are examples of something to the kinds of luxuries I believe my dad has afforded me. No, I don't treat people like my kids, but I come from a privileged place. I want you to feel as if you do to. YOU, not people. You could take every worst day of my life and them combined wouldn't stand to the kinds of horrible shit that happens all around the world daily. In mostly spite of all that, the kind of, freedom, I feel to be me and pursue, or not, whatever I want in life is something I'd like to share. It's a lifestyle I think has important consequences.

It's indulgent. Every self-serving blog speaks to it. In doing so though, it becomes reflective. At least I generally know why I'm doing something. And it extends beyond trivialities like “the bills need to be paid.” It also, for better or worse, and this is from my small perspective, seems to put me somewhere different. Whatever my Almighty Me is, it's something that seems to stick out to people. With the capacity to refer to myself as nothing special, this discrepancy with my opinion I think is noteworthy.

I don't feel there's anything to defend, so to speak. I'm prepared to explain or change. Or explain then change. Or just not be so attached to what my world looks like right here and now. And I hold with the highest regard people of the same capacity.

I think I sometimes want to see the same capacity in other people. I think I may often give them too much credit. One way I seem to recognize this is in how someone's pattern plays out. Usually, it's not just theirs, but how it compares to what I've heard from other people. Do you know why I can't develop a drug habit? I don't think I could sound out the words people with drug habits state without punching myself in the balls. I mean, I hit myself in the face the last time I heard someone say “well you have your opinion and I have mine.”

The problem is, I can't tell if I want to see something in people, or if I need to. I can't tell if there's a part of my psychology or potential for happiness that is directly tied to the amount of “real people” I get to engage with. Sure, I want people to be thoughtful and indulge and do really whatever they want to do to their heart's content. But is everyone responsible enough? Is everyone capable of the kind of appreciation and respect it takes to do more than merely “get away with” living the lives they lead? Of this I'm not so sure.

I generally talk about the negative consequences of having such views about people. They're always pushing a rock up a hill only for me to find a reason to kick it back down. But it's not really like that. The rocks I leave alone seem to miss something at a fundamental level. There's a lack of affirmation, not so much a crazy fallout. It's something I usually don't care to challenge for the sake of having friends. It's a reminder that “awareness” is not a blanket term or capacity of those who claim they have it. While I'm hoping to have new things, especially dicks, thrust in front of my face to think about, I feel like I'm playing with fire every time I think about putting something new in front of someone else.

As someone who could likely find good reason to hate most people, it's why I'm stuck having to be about people. I have to find room to care, ways to relate, reasons to believe. It's too easy to write everyone off and get under an Almighty Bubble where my categorizing makes more sense. I take it seriously what you think, and why you think, because it's going to potentially affect long term consequences in my behavior and how I treat people down the line. I just wish they'd take more care in figuring out their whys. Especially why they'd allow themselves to look like something that can be summed up so easily. As if they'd even know or that it's my place to pretend.

It's sad, it truly is, to think of myself as even remotely the best or better at caring about something as “obvious” as a relationship; Who you are, who I am, what that means to us. It's sad because I'm a horrible person who likes making an example of people who can't handle a kind of back-and-forth open dialogue, navigate around the cuss words dynamic. It's sad because I genuinely forget people who've been friends. If it isn't just me. If everyone's like me, but just...more conservative? Less precise? Then the only real problems are the giant lies I'm offered about conduct or respect. Then, I can't even write things off as “it's just stupid people.” At that point it's what? Some kind of ironic war with myself?

[337] On Being Drunk

I like being drunk. Let me tell you why.

Drunk affords opportunities. For me, it makes me feel like a kid. Let me elaborate. When I'm sober, things are “meh.” They happen. You feel good or bad about something, I hear about it, all I can do is go, yep, that in fact happened, let's see if you'll do something smart to follow. I beat into the ground terms like “relative sociopath” for this reason. I will likely never find the amount of words to describe just how little a shit I care about most things. Like, it's probably problematic because it presents a giant empathy-devoid wall between me and most of how people operate. It will likely be a theme I run with in future blogs. Just get it now, it matters.

But it all changes with alcohol! It's lighter. It's the kind of feeling laden honesty that you expect from a “normal human being.” I feel like a kid again. It's valid when I tell you you're cute. My “hatred” stems from a more real place. Things matter. All that I'm concerned with is that you understand what's brewing in my gut because god dammit, IT'S BREWING IN MY GUT!

And I like this. I like it a lot! I don't want to get bogged down in pretext in games and odd agendas with marginally stated goals. It's important to me to have some kind of beacon, in whatever form it takes shape, and express the sort of “ground floor” of where I'm coming from. A person with this many ideas of manipulating and carrying on with reckless abandon to many kinds consequences treats this level of pure base expression as a drug.

The thing that will forever continue to kill me is the reactions from other people. It's easy to use the language of someone with a problem without being a stupid fuck with a problem. Not many seem to understand this. I have no genuine urge to drink just because I see other people doing it. I know full well how to have a pretty insane amount of fun without drinking. It's just not the same. It's so infinitely selfish. The one and a half times I might be able to get drunk a month usually translate into a blog haha. Not even speaking remotely to the kinds of fun we used to have at my old house.

It just feels like an opportunity. As long as I'm able to think myself left or right, I'm not going to be able to act “fundamentally.” And it's everything I want to see in people as well. If you black out and turn violent, I think that's an important thing to know about yourself. I don't like the idea of being afraid of yourself. If I manage to not remember something, it's usually some heartfelt diatribe about how much fun I'm having with who's ever in the room. I'm not scared to do or say something stupid because it seems as if there's a fairly clear line between “who you are” and “what the fuck alcohol had to do with your personality.” I think people are general pussies when it comes to playing this game.

I don't think being drunk invalidates a position. When you feel something at your peak earnest, how you got there is frankly irrelevant to me. There always seems to be this underlying world that people are afraid to access. It's the only world I care about. I'd rather try to relate at that level and have everything go to shit than pretend like I care about anything else. And this is what I'm after in other people.

I don't mind feeling. I don't think it's bad or wrong or in and of itself a bad thing. And being a few beers in, just before I'm racist or sexist for no reason, it's like a reminder of how normal people behave. I get to just be someone who's experiencing instead of dictating. I want you to say that thing you'd never say. I want you to contemplate why you fell face first down that level of stairs. For me, it unlocks a kind of potential and perspective that I cherish. I think at the very least it can provoke a level of introspection that being a whiny “intellectual” can't afford you.

It can be fun. It can be an opportunity. I don't want to spend my time justifying that which seems simple and obvious.

There's a whole "why can't you just be/feel/think yada yada while your're sober" discussion that if I had the right answers to I would have already written about so preempt something or go fuck yourself ;).