DISCLAIMER: Back when I started writing, I had no qualms about rambling, shit punctuation, no paragraphs, and text speak versions of words. I didn't spell check. It's not until about the 20s of the blogs where I pretend I have a grasp of the English language.
Current mood: Perpetual "Meh"ness
Hmmm so its become overly apparnent to me that I'm completely dramatic. I need to go from one extreme to the other in order to keep some sense of order in my head. I can either be all gung ho about "dream girl" or I hav to take the completely opposite direction. I wonder if that means I hav no real sense of self. Or at least don't want to be my "old" self nemore. I wonder what it would be like to just make her dead to me. Cus I'm quite sure I can't just toy with this for too long. I know I'm a bad person, that's obvious. But where's the redemption kick in. I get all crazy when I think too much. God "fucking" with me and whatnot. In the back of my head I know that's just like, nick wtf grow up. I think it takes a long time for things to truly set in with me. I've gotten everything I've ever been passionate about. I refuse to lose. And who made the decision I hav to? Why not go into the bag of tricks. Would it really spoil the overall goodness later? I can't say yes or no, only assume…kinda. Depends on whats in the bag, so to speak. I'm not like against God or opposed to change. Make someone believe that about urself and u should get a metal. Obviously I'm failing. I don't get it. A simple. Go away and give it a rest is all it would take lol. Just more and more flirting more and more joking. O well. I'm not a bitch, I can deal with it. Big brother doesn't really work for me. I've already got a sister. The fact that it has to work for me if it works for her doesn't help things ne. maybe I should give up. I know its worth it but still. I wonder what giving up really feels like. Why not? It would stop me bitching, give me an excuse to be even meaner, random, and pervish. I'd be rich as hell conserning myself with only money and indulgence. I mean if I'm gonna cope I might as well do it in style. I'm not worth it to her. I'm flirty boy no. 2 or 3 with a crush. That's sad. She loves me? Ya like all her friends. I've got pets names? I bet the others are in alphabetical order so she can keep them straight. I'm sure its just me being self centered to think I'm special in ne way to her. Method for keeping my hopes up or sumthing. College will help. Sure I'll think about her but the practicality of nething past flirtacious i.m's will be ridiculous and I'll be able to justify trying to forget her with that. This broken record affect, fuck, I'm waiting for the overwhelming hit that sends me back to completely hating everyone and not caring. I want her power lol, shit. I still don't believe she's just some ideal I'll get over with another pretty face so good luck on pep talks. I'm just simply not worth nething to neone but myself. I'm good for a laugh, a pep talk, a ride, and free movies. Whoopee. The story of a million others like that, and their prolly better at it and hav real chances with practical ideals and don't bitch. Every hero has that tragic flaw right. So then I'm the bad guy with that super awesome perseverance and will that keeps me sane, flirtatious, and delusional so I can forget about the other shit.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
[11] Whirlwinds Are Fun Till You Fly Through A Window
DISCLAIMER: Back when I started writing, I had no qualms about rambling, shit punctuation, no paragraphs, and text speak versions of words. I didn't spell check. It's not until about the 20s of the blogs where I pretend I have a grasp of the English language.
How many ways are there to convey ur point to someone. I like to go with outright showing or telling of something. And what if that isn't working. Do u take the ballzy move and just go all out and hope for the best? That's pretty much what I think I'll have to do as much as I don't want to. When its all out on the table what else is there left to lose. I go over every senario as to why she won't just tell me to leave her alone. Why she would still flirt and play around when she knows, or at least I've told her, what it does to me. I mean ok college soon right, she doesn't want to be long distance? She doesn't like me and can't find the right words? She thinks I'm bullshitting her? She doesn't think I'm religious enough? And if its that one I'll be beyond pissed and say fuck religion and everything associated with it. if someone can make me change for the better and make me want to shower love and attention on them and that isn't good enough because of a rule in a religion, to me there is no more ludacris piece of bullshit reasoning in the word. And I even looked into religion things, like for me even not just to use as ammo in my arsenal of ways to get her. I refuse to live for "what if" it will not happen, I will fail in every way possible and look as stupid as can be, without going crazy mind you, before I technically give up. Why can't she just talk to me. Or say sumthing concrete that doesn't sound like its out of fear or frustration. I want to be told by her sincerely to give up and then I'll give up. But it never comes. I ask for it. I call out to be shot down and it comes in droplets of what sound like half truths and inconsistencies. My inner self is like, o hey good sign she's not totally dissing you. BUT she's super nice and I don't even know if she has the capability to tear my heart out BUT she's played with and said mean things to other people before and is perfectly comfortable doing it BUT they aren't as close to her as I am BUT shouldn' that make it easier to talk shit out? Its just a ping pong effect back and forth in my head and I hav to blog every fucking day about the same shit to stay sane. And then what would be the harm in trying. To give me that scrap of a bone and let me run with it. then when/if it failed (which I guarantee it wouldn't) then we could both say hey we saw what happened, no more confusion, blurred lines or hurt feelings. I mean I don't think she takes the situation as seriously as me but is she like afraid to fail with me? Could she possibly be thinking like me and just preferring to blow off the feelings and saying different excuses for why she feels things or for why I won't give up. That sounds like I'm some super awesome-o person that makes ppl feel like that but I don't fucking know what to think. I doubt that one, but to me it would make the most sense simply because only someone with as much bullshit in their head as me would react in completely unpredictable or non make sense-ical ways. When the time comes where all the cards are on the table I can only hope for some sort of settling or direction. I don't' want to burden her, I don't want to be some weird dude on the list, I don't want to make situations out of nothing. But I can't ignore me. And I want to shower affection on and love this person that is so special inside and out for ever and ever and work everyday at everything to make it so. Plain and simple to me. I can go off and "hook up" with neone. I can be fake and play the bullshit game of life but I don't want to nemore. and the more and more I think about how I feel for her the more I despise (though they were out of ignorance) the stupid shit I've done in the past. God supposedly gives signs right? Well there'd be no bigger sign with flashing lights and metallic colors that would tell me to get in touch with God and whatnot than if I can be her everything. Ok so main goal, no "what if" under ne circumstance. I will go down in flames….damnit. Go with the flow, as fucked as the flow is making me, its all I have.
How many ways are there to convey ur point to someone. I like to go with outright showing or telling of something. And what if that isn't working. Do u take the ballzy move and just go all out and hope for the best? That's pretty much what I think I'll have to do as much as I don't want to. When its all out on the table what else is there left to lose. I go over every senario as to why she won't just tell me to leave her alone. Why she would still flirt and play around when she knows, or at least I've told her, what it does to me. I mean ok college soon right, she doesn't want to be long distance? She doesn't like me and can't find the right words? She thinks I'm bullshitting her? She doesn't think I'm religious enough? And if its that one I'll be beyond pissed and say fuck religion and everything associated with it. if someone can make me change for the better and make me want to shower love and attention on them and that isn't good enough because of a rule in a religion, to me there is no more ludacris piece of bullshit reasoning in the word. And I even looked into religion things, like for me even not just to use as ammo in my arsenal of ways to get her. I refuse to live for "what if" it will not happen, I will fail in every way possible and look as stupid as can be, without going crazy mind you, before I technically give up. Why can't she just talk to me. Or say sumthing concrete that doesn't sound like its out of fear or frustration. I want to be told by her sincerely to give up and then I'll give up. But it never comes. I ask for it. I call out to be shot down and it comes in droplets of what sound like half truths and inconsistencies. My inner self is like, o hey good sign she's not totally dissing you. BUT she's super nice and I don't even know if she has the capability to tear my heart out BUT she's played with and said mean things to other people before and is perfectly comfortable doing it BUT they aren't as close to her as I am BUT shouldn' that make it easier to talk shit out? Its just a ping pong effect back and forth in my head and I hav to blog every fucking day about the same shit to stay sane. And then what would be the harm in trying. To give me that scrap of a bone and let me run with it. then when/if it failed (which I guarantee it wouldn't) then we could both say hey we saw what happened, no more confusion, blurred lines or hurt feelings. I mean I don't think she takes the situation as seriously as me but is she like afraid to fail with me? Could she possibly be thinking like me and just preferring to blow off the feelings and saying different excuses for why she feels things or for why I won't give up. That sounds like I'm some super awesome-o person that makes ppl feel like that but I don't fucking know what to think. I doubt that one, but to me it would make the most sense simply because only someone with as much bullshit in their head as me would react in completely unpredictable or non make sense-ical ways. When the time comes where all the cards are on the table I can only hope for some sort of settling or direction. I don't' want to burden her, I don't want to be some weird dude on the list, I don't want to make situations out of nothing. But I can't ignore me. And I want to shower affection on and love this person that is so special inside and out for ever and ever and work everyday at everything to make it so. Plain and simple to me. I can go off and "hook up" with neone. I can be fake and play the bullshit game of life but I don't want to nemore. and the more and more I think about how I feel for her the more I despise (though they were out of ignorance) the stupid shit I've done in the past. God supposedly gives signs right? Well there'd be no bigger sign with flashing lights and metallic colors that would tell me to get in touch with God and whatnot than if I can be her everything. Ok so main goal, no "what if" under ne circumstance. I will go down in flames….damnit. Go with the flow, as fucked as the flow is making me, its all I have.
Friday, September 15, 2006
[10] What Else Is New?
DISCLAIMER: Back when I started writing, I had no qualms about rambling, shit punctuation, no paragraphs, and text speak versions of words. I didn't spell check. It's not until about the 20s of the blogs where I pretend I have a grasp of the English language.
Current mood: discontent
So I feel like blogging, I'll make it private because I don't know if I want people knowing nething about me nemore. So life doesn't seem like it would be as good if I wasn't with her. All this I hear from people who've found who they love and feel incomplete by not being with them. Well that shit is happening to me. She's such a special person and everyone knows it. inside and out. I think she's hiding something or scared w/e. I'm not sure. I wish it were just simple. I like her. She puts on that she likes me and it just happened. If something feels right then it should happen I think. I want to love her more than life. Make her my life. How else is there to live. I already said I've been through the self centered thing. Why's it all hav to be so complicated. I feel like I all I ever do is bitch nemore. I've come to the decision that I really am just about her. Literally other girls look sooo much uglier when she's on my mind. I want everything in the world for her. And I would make good on everything I've told her. I would make her feel like I see her. I dunno, I get all these signs that would mean such simple things in a normal situation. I mean she lays between my legs, like she did with her ex. She says all the flirty things and gives those lil looks. She knows how much I care about her. I go out on all these limbs saying things that ppl take so long to say or never have the balls to say. I let my stomach turn in knots and I let my mind take me into dream worlds. I feel like I'll go insane without her, not psycho insane mind u but like my will will be dimished to that of an old miser. People don't understand what it takes to make me feel. Like actually feel sumthing. I've joked about things that get u a hot seat to hell and hav a totally indifferent feeling about it all. I've been called every name in the book I've done or thought about doing everything imaginable to seemingly everyone and everything. And it all just leaves me "meh." And then at the hint of a thought about her I go through retrograde. I know why I love her. I can go on for hours all the things. That's crazy, I'm not going to until a romantic gesture in the future I kinda am thinking about. But newayz, I dunno nemore, can I keep going as the kinda play thing support system and just let her slowly slip away? I'm sure there will be that guy all religious and cute and makes her laugh and treats her right who will come along and beat me out. But will he truly feel that same pain in his heart/stomach when he thinks about what it would be like to not be with her. Will he really do everything in his power to make her feel like beautiful person I see her as? I literally think about her all the time. How I can make her laugh or where I can take her or if she'll do this or look that way. I mean I think I'm retarded but I don't feel right not thinking about her. Considering her in situations and choices that don't even come close to affecting her. And all I am is the support. Not that its bad but I mean its just confusing to be seen like that. And if I'm more it would take half sentence to tell me. What doesn't she want me to know? Should I be secretive like her to spark interest. I mean it sucks laying myself on the line and hoping to either get my heart torn out or accepted. And its so exactly half and half its scary. What is there about me to be scared of. I mean I come off as intimidating or like out there w/e but not around her. I look into all that astrology stuff I'm so at a stretch for trying to find out what's going on in her mind. I think its sad but I prefer resourceful. I need to find my inner motivation again I think. The same will to drive me when I'm alone. I hate to think like that. I hate it more than nething to think everything I do will only be for me. But I can't control her. I hav nothing but a lil influence as a "friend" or so she wants me to believe. I think I hate my perspective, this fucking gage that makes me realize whats really important all the time. I know its more important to love and live for sumone else. I know how cyborg I am or can be and how much it takes to change me. And I hate that I know it won't happen like everyone wants to keep reassuring it will. Noone understands how much this really means to me. They really don't. I hate being the whinny bitch but its true. She doesn't need me is a lie. I provide sumthing important. I would hope if I didn't she wouldn't act like she does around me. Logic doesn't work, faith isn't working, where the hell do u go to next. How much of ur inner fag to u hav to spill before something changes. She doesn't tell me nething but her thinking she can't hav friends cus they all get attracted to her. Well duh but I know whats real, my perspective crap doesn't just apply to my patheticness I can see right through a horny dude that would fuck her and leave her and someone like me. I hate those fuckers. They make her untrustworthy. They make her think I'm just another guy. One that will blow over his attraction. And I promise to neone I allow read this that I'm not. I don't bullshit people. I hate it, I hate the lies and deceit and I don't do it. least of all to someone I care that much about. I keep telling myself I'm dillusional. She doesn't like me at all. I take lil things that she sees as nothing and want to make them more. But she never confirms or denys ne of it. I don't care about the shit I've done in the past. I don't' think about that when I think of her. She's not sumthing to make up my past bullshit with. My good deed. That's fucked and never will be or was true. I don't want to give her ne drama or confusion but I can't be a person who goes with the flow when the flow says no…thing. I mean too soon after break up? Thinks I'm full of shit? Not religious? Cuss too much? Don't try enough? I'm too cute so it can't be looks . I just want to never stop talking cus that's all that happens in my head, nonstop whats and what ifs and why and when. Ugh this would be the most boring thing in the world to read. Nick acting like a bitch and ranting again. That's why its private, u asked for it. EVERY FUCKING THING I love about her. Even this game. The fact that she's that complex and could be going through the same crap I am is a good thing to me. She can do no wrong in my eyes. I hate the fact she wants to cut her hair but she can't be wrong, she's almost too beautiful. I don't want to be all creepy and look at her all the time but I'm literally captivated. I'm tired of headache and not sleeping and staring off into space and getting pissed at the thoughts of not making her my everything. I want to understand her, work out the inner puzzle. Everyone else wants to call what they have love then so be it. fuck them if they don't go through the same things I do. Just emptiness.
Current mood: discontent
So I feel like blogging, I'll make it private because I don't know if I want people knowing nething about me nemore. So life doesn't seem like it would be as good if I wasn't with her. All this I hear from people who've found who they love and feel incomplete by not being with them. Well that shit is happening to me. She's such a special person and everyone knows it. inside and out. I think she's hiding something or scared w/e. I'm not sure. I wish it were just simple. I like her. She puts on that she likes me and it just happened. If something feels right then it should happen I think. I want to love her more than life. Make her my life. How else is there to live. I already said I've been through the self centered thing. Why's it all hav to be so complicated. I feel like I all I ever do is bitch nemore. I've come to the decision that I really am just about her. Literally other girls look sooo much uglier when she's on my mind. I want everything in the world for her. And I would make good on everything I've told her. I would make her feel like I see her. I dunno, I get all these signs that would mean such simple things in a normal situation. I mean she lays between my legs, like she did with her ex. She says all the flirty things and gives those lil looks. She knows how much I care about her. I go out on all these limbs saying things that ppl take so long to say or never have the balls to say. I let my stomach turn in knots and I let my mind take me into dream worlds. I feel like I'll go insane without her, not psycho insane mind u but like my will will be dimished to that of an old miser. People don't understand what it takes to make me feel. Like actually feel sumthing. I've joked about things that get u a hot seat to hell and hav a totally indifferent feeling about it all. I've been called every name in the book I've done or thought about doing everything imaginable to seemingly everyone and everything. And it all just leaves me "meh." And then at the hint of a thought about her I go through retrograde. I know why I love her. I can go on for hours all the things. That's crazy, I'm not going to until a romantic gesture in the future I kinda am thinking about. But newayz, I dunno nemore, can I keep going as the kinda play thing support system and just let her slowly slip away? I'm sure there will be that guy all religious and cute and makes her laugh and treats her right who will come along and beat me out. But will he truly feel that same pain in his heart/stomach when he thinks about what it would be like to not be with her. Will he really do everything in his power to make her feel like beautiful person I see her as? I literally think about her all the time. How I can make her laugh or where I can take her or if she'll do this or look that way. I mean I think I'm retarded but I don't feel right not thinking about her. Considering her in situations and choices that don't even come close to affecting her. And all I am is the support. Not that its bad but I mean its just confusing to be seen like that. And if I'm more it would take half sentence to tell me. What doesn't she want me to know? Should I be secretive like her to spark interest. I mean it sucks laying myself on the line and hoping to either get my heart torn out or accepted. And its so exactly half and half its scary. What is there about me to be scared of. I mean I come off as intimidating or like out there w/e but not around her. I look into all that astrology stuff I'm so at a stretch for trying to find out what's going on in her mind. I think its sad but I prefer resourceful. I need to find my inner motivation again I think. The same will to drive me when I'm alone. I hate to think like that. I hate it more than nething to think everything I do will only be for me. But I can't control her. I hav nothing but a lil influence as a "friend" or so she wants me to believe. I think I hate my perspective, this fucking gage that makes me realize whats really important all the time. I know its more important to love and live for sumone else. I know how cyborg I am or can be and how much it takes to change me. And I hate that I know it won't happen like everyone wants to keep reassuring it will. Noone understands how much this really means to me. They really don't. I hate being the whinny bitch but its true. She doesn't need me is a lie. I provide sumthing important. I would hope if I didn't she wouldn't act like she does around me. Logic doesn't work, faith isn't working, where the hell do u go to next. How much of ur inner fag to u hav to spill before something changes. She doesn't tell me nething but her thinking she can't hav friends cus they all get attracted to her. Well duh but I know whats real, my perspective crap doesn't just apply to my patheticness I can see right through a horny dude that would fuck her and leave her and someone like me. I hate those fuckers. They make her untrustworthy. They make her think I'm just another guy. One that will blow over his attraction. And I promise to neone I allow read this that I'm not. I don't bullshit people. I hate it, I hate the lies and deceit and I don't do it. least of all to someone I care that much about. I keep telling myself I'm dillusional. She doesn't like me at all. I take lil things that she sees as nothing and want to make them more. But she never confirms or denys ne of it. I don't care about the shit I've done in the past. I don't' think about that when I think of her. She's not sumthing to make up my past bullshit with. My good deed. That's fucked and never will be or was true. I don't want to give her ne drama or confusion but I can't be a person who goes with the flow when the flow says no…thing. I mean too soon after break up? Thinks I'm full of shit? Not religious? Cuss too much? Don't try enough? I'm too cute so it can't be looks . I just want to never stop talking cus that's all that happens in my head, nonstop whats and what ifs and why and when. Ugh this would be the most boring thing in the world to read. Nick acting like a bitch and ranting again. That's why its private, u asked for it. EVERY FUCKING THING I love about her. Even this game. The fact that she's that complex and could be going through the same crap I am is a good thing to me. She can do no wrong in my eyes. I hate the fact she wants to cut her hair but she can't be wrong, she's almost too beautiful. I don't want to be all creepy and look at her all the time but I'm literally captivated. I'm tired of headache and not sleeping and staring off into space and getting pissed at the thoughts of not making her my everything. I want to understand her, work out the inner puzzle. Everyone else wants to call what they have love then so be it. fuck them if they don't go through the same things I do. Just emptiness.
Sunday, September 3, 2006
[9] HA, Okay So I've Cracked Now Right?
DISCLAIMER: Back when I started writing, I had no qualms about rambling, shit punctuation, no paragraphs, and text speak versions of words. I didn't spell check. It's not until about the 20s of the blogs where I pretend I have a grasp of the English language.
Current mood: dude wtf
Ok so this is prolly gonna sound a lil crazy but I'm watchin the o.c. right and I learn of marissas death and like it really really pissed me off…I'm confused as to why its buggin me so much I mean it's a fuckin tv show right so I'm blogging this shit to try and talk my brain into makin sense of it..
Like her and ryan were so like "it" fuckin the perfectness of their imperfectness was just like those fuckers from the notebook. And like bam some bullshit car accident and she's dead? Wtf. Its like I hate that who death can get u at any minute bullshit cus it fucking adds so much to the depression and suppression of ppl's will to live. Its like if rich hot white girl with caring boyfriend and family can't make it…..fuck. I got to thinking of what would happen if sumone I really cared about just like poof fucking dead like that in sum bullshit death scene out of a movie. Mind u I'm not a violent guy but like the mental snap in my mind would make me afraid of myself. Like ok I get it ppl die I can reason through shit but it's the loss of potential and sumthing true that kills me. I like my parents and shit but ya if they died I'd be sad but like know it was coming if u get me at all. There's really no more roads to travel and they don't like influence my inner feelings and shit. But like if ms. Dream girl just like up and died like then where's the will to go on when u've invested so much of urself towards the magic of making life so special for that person. Fuckin, u can be as rich and nice and bullshit as can be but if ur inner shit isn't worked out it don't mean a thing. That's what I think ppl misunderstand about me. Ok I talk of being a rich millionair dictator when I'm older. Sure I could be it. but how many rich millionaire dictators star in the notebook. That's the true feeling I want. Sumthing worth accomplishing. Fuckin this bamf comes and turns the world upside down for ppl but it's a fuckin chick that puts him in a good place. The shit they have makes all the crazy tvland bs just melt away. Why does it always have to be on tv and then wtf are they doing killing it on tv! Shit. Either way, I'm better understood now, still pissed, but know why at least.
Current mood: dude wtf
Ok so this is prolly gonna sound a lil crazy but I'm watchin the o.c. right and I learn of marissas death and like it really really pissed me off…I'm confused as to why its buggin me so much I mean it's a fuckin tv show right so I'm blogging this shit to try and talk my brain into makin sense of it..
Like her and ryan were so like "it" fuckin the perfectness of their imperfectness was just like those fuckers from the notebook. And like bam some bullshit car accident and she's dead? Wtf. Its like I hate that who death can get u at any minute bullshit cus it fucking adds so much to the depression and suppression of ppl's will to live. Its like if rich hot white girl with caring boyfriend and family can't make it…..fuck. I got to thinking of what would happen if sumone I really cared about just like poof fucking dead like that in sum bullshit death scene out of a movie. Mind u I'm not a violent guy but like the mental snap in my mind would make me afraid of myself. Like ok I get it ppl die I can reason through shit but it's the loss of potential and sumthing true that kills me. I like my parents and shit but ya if they died I'd be sad but like know it was coming if u get me at all. There's really no more roads to travel and they don't like influence my inner feelings and shit. But like if ms. Dream girl just like up and died like then where's the will to go on when u've invested so much of urself towards the magic of making life so special for that person. Fuckin, u can be as rich and nice and bullshit as can be but if ur inner shit isn't worked out it don't mean a thing. That's what I think ppl misunderstand about me. Ok I talk of being a rich millionair dictator when I'm older. Sure I could be it. but how many rich millionaire dictators star in the notebook. That's the true feeling I want. Sumthing worth accomplishing. Fuckin this bamf comes and turns the world upside down for ppl but it's a fuckin chick that puts him in a good place. The shit they have makes all the crazy tvland bs just melt away. Why does it always have to be on tv and then wtf are they doing killing it on tv! Shit. Either way, I'm better understood now, still pissed, but know why at least.
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