[33] One Hell Of A Fight Club

So I just saw Fight club. The whole schizoid thing sparked something. Look at your friends. Your best friends. Who are they? They are you. At least part of you. This isn't deep thinking or anything but I find it so intriguing when I think about the 5 or so people I call actual friends. I even tend to act like the personality trait I attribute to them when I'm around them. That's basically weird. This goes back to finding ways to live through your inadequacies. Damn. I don't know if I like realizing that. One more way to lose a sense of self. Fuck. Hmm so lets diagram this.

1.  Angry, Talkative, Thoughtful, Proud
2. Dramatic, Sympathetic, Irrational
3. Indifferent, Horny, Experimental, Trustworthy

The other few that stick in there are some extension of the above only directed towards different specifics. Ten buck says that if/when they read this it will be too easy to tell I'm talking about them. And most of those can float in and out between them all. Overwhelmingly I gravitate towards people who think and that I can trust. Duh. So then wait….

Selflessness, Spirituality, Beauty

And now it becomes simpler. But even still. I know plenty of people like that don't I? Or maybe their just trying to hard. Or the fact that they're trying period. Not so much about embodiment but instead preservation, proliferation. Striving to embody balance? Then its how badly does/has a disruption affect/ed you? That smidgen of yin you have that keeps the yang from doing something stupid? (if you've ever read into that kind of stuff). According to the few charts I've just read it appears I have little yin.

Prognosis: The force that drives one to preserve the balance of one's inner chi(?) is most compelling. The question. What, if anything, does it say about the compulsion of love? Projected manifestation of your own desire? Quite depressing if so. Better question. Is the balance held in the head resulting of subconscious thought and observation, or at the root of the heart?

If the heart is inherently pure than it worries not of being thrown out of balance. Implying the head, which perhaps frequently can't be trusted. Thus where the standoff between heart and head takes anchor. Then why do some move so voracious with either or? Both present and compelling, inability to be ignored. Talk about disorder.

It wasn't Mr. Norton's mind that pulled the trigger.

[32] I Just Wish I Knew How To Draw

God: Wow, that was a pretty violent death there Tyrone. I mean 14 caps in dat ass and you took it like a stone cold nigga.

Tyrone: What? I was part of a gang, my life was filled with hate and violence. (wearing diamond incrusted cross)

God: And lemme tell ya, it makes for great HD, or heavenly divine, tv.

Tyrone: But God, I read that all the sex, drugs, and violence was gonna get me on the highway to Hell.

God: Read what? What are you….. O My Self! Saaaataaan!

::God glances down the road to see Satan bent over laughing::

God: Satan, did you send that crap story about your starter race and call it my word again?

Satan: (grinning) maybe….

God: Dude, its getting childish, this is the 5^th time you've screwed with one of my creations.

Tyrone: I'm getting confused.

God: I know man, its cool, this doosh over here can't grow up.

Satan: What's wrong with a little fun? I mean come on, what's better than hearing "Oh, I love Jesus. He's my savior. I know God. God hates fags and abortion. Blah blah blah" and then 2 seconds later they cheat on their wife, scream God damnit, and conspire about EVERYONE that doesn't seem to "get it" like they do.

God: You know just as well as I do we all have to start somewhere, making it that much more confusing is why we have so much damn work to do in processing. You'd think they were Mexican with so many coming in at one time.

Tyrone: So you mean all the bible stuff isn't right? My faith that the words were holy and righteous means nothing?

God: Well, let me put it to you like this. The headline in today's paper is really gonna read, "God created another race, shaped the cosmos, and redefines the soul…… and by the way you should check out his new book." Not to mention, technically your all my kids, what do you think Jesus has that you don't?

Tyrone: (puzzled) Damn. So then what's good and bad? What love can we trust?

God: Do you like being told what to do, think, and say?

Tyrone: Hell naw

God: Would some dirty Blood ever be able to convince you that your mama's dying and you can trust him to look after your turf?

Tyrone: Ok, now you playin with me dawg.

God: Well if you can't trust them with your turf and mama, how can you trust someone with your knowledge about Me?

Tyrone: Well see that's different man, If my brother came to me and said moms was sick, I'd go and check.

Satan: Even if I had been a little bored the night before and decided to plant seeds of a double cross in your bro's head? Good news (gay happy clap)

Tyrone: Well no.

God and Satan: So how would you know?

Jesus: Hey guys, what's goin down?

Satan: Not me…

God: We're seeing how Tyrone here can tell between me and Satan.

Jesus: Sweet, so what's the word turd?

Tyrone: I mean I grew up with him, he ain't crazy. We tighter than a virgin. Once when we was kids he lied to my pops fo a week about who busted are bedroom window so I wouldn't get my ass beat. I dunno man, I can just kinda feel him in my stomach you know?

Jesus: Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner. What does he win Goddy?

God: Umm i dunno, whatever he wants? this is Heaven right?

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Son: Daddy, why do we have war?

Dad: Well son, some people hear God and he tells them to start one.

Son: But what about the bible?

Dad: What about it? Who kills more than God, ever read the Old Testament?

Son: Daddy you know I can't read yet.

Dad: I know, I know, good thing you have me to say what it means to you.

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Mark: Hey John, did you know Franklin once said "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome."?

John: Really? Deep.

Mark: I know right, puts a whole new spin on praying.

John: Now I know some people who's lives have been enriched and changed by prayer.

Mark: Your probably right, but you should see all the books written on denial.

[31] Preamble

Well it happens, I read something and feel compelled to just type something. Instead of a major headache hear she goes…..

So I finished reading "Misquoting Jesus" and basically don't see how there is any credibility in any stretch of the New Testament. The whole thing about man writing the bible and are able to put whatever they want into it takes on a whole new meaning. I also started reading "The Will to Power" and that provides sooo many insightful reasons as to why people adhere to religion in the first place. I find that my current and difficult mood of almost overwhelming apathy and distrust may just be the beginning of what could prove to be true enlightenment. I find it too coincidental that Nietzsche brought up the idea of unending occurrence and living (in some way) over and over with no real attached meaning. Hearing this stuff and understanding the human condition only seems to weigh on my heart that much more. Is love to be confused or understood as an expression of the will for power? Is every feeling brought on from a state of exhaustion because it is self destructive and against natural tendency to think outside the herd? I mean religion makes sense that way….if this damn bird doesn't stop landing on my window…..(distracted)….. When you start to think against that which empowers and preserves you its easy to get defensive. You want to deny this life, deny the actuality of your real and right now existence. You react instead of express. Its why I jumped that layman's shit when he prayed that this life isn't the important one and shouldn't be so heavily focused on while his religion tells him its important for worship and spreading the "Word." It even needed a sacrifice of this petty flesh and blood for salvation.

I think there's just too much I want to say right now and can't really make sense of it. Nietzsche writes in that old way that had to be then translated so all this crap I can read, get the gist of it, but not really fully digest it for what its fully saying. I did write down a few lines though that I couldn't stop myself from repeating over and over in my head.

"What convinces in not necessarily true, it is merely convincing"

"One chooses in fact that which hastens exhaustion"

"Mortification of the self, pity, even the negation of life. All these are values of the exhausted."

I really connect with and understand the last two because of my own experience. I really am tired of thinking. I once wanted to settle on Christianity. I'd like to settle on something stupid like alcohol. But it's not that simple and those are traits and characteristics of the weak. You get depressed and pessimistic which according to Nietzsche leads to Nihilism or "nothingness." And it all makes sense and I can relate, but I don't feel like it stops there. 

I want to sympathize and attack religion at the same time. I see what it does and then I really see what's its doing. I just wish the people that were so consumed by it, the ones who are (by societies right) the moral superior and enlightened would see the futility and at the same time the potential. They are the ones making the decision, they are instilling and preserving the "rules" and "right" not God. That their expression of their will to power is the same as everyone's' in its pre-distinction and direction. If God went so far as to "inspire" the words of the bible that tell you how to trap your life, why didn't he put any effort into preserving and safeguarding them from a careless scribe. Its not anti-God to say he didn't inspire them in the first place its common fucking sense.

The concept of wholeness. I feel like I can't be "whole" until everyone "finds the God within." I think there has to be some collective effort to get back on the track of evolution where people are forced to better themselves or they can no longer exist. I feel like all the "virtues" and goals of life mean nothing. They lead nowhere without the real knowledge of how to appreciate them. In other words it doesn't mean shit that you say you love God or have faith if you can't recognize, or worse, outright deny what's staring you in the face.

I think decision in itself could be the purpose for existence. Just deciding. Waking up each day and deciding it's a good idea to love and take care of a family. Settling on the notion that knowledge is right. Then it becomes baffling why others can't reach the same assessment. Why heaven is more important than pursuing the love that they think they're getting from "God" and are instead engineering a sedative that pushes or negates instinct.  People didn't just lose a sense of self only because of fear. Futility reared its ugly head as well.

I don't want to attack peoples' faith. My aim is at convictions. I wouldn't be alive without faith that there was something more. Without a feeling that I can influence something or someone to such a degree that it would justify life and allow me to be living proof of "purpose."

My ideals are swallowed in the never ending age of decadence.

[30] 2 Players 4 The Price Of 1

2 Players 4 the Price of 1

Note: if you don't have the time to read it, por favor come back later.

This is the guy I email a lot of my questions and thoughts too and the first part of this is his blog. In it her refers to me and one of our talks and i just see this back and forth as really significant in the fine tune defining of why i think the things i do and say the things i say. I know its long so sue me but you should've known that before you clicked. If you have any input to anything he says or my responses i'm telling you I live for comments and the guy says he loves questions.

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him: I just finished MacArthur's "Hard To Believe". It's a Hard to Read book. It's been awhile since I picked up something that hurt good. It's a good feeling. Kinda tickles.

Also I've added a link to M'Cheyne's Daily Bible Readings to the list on the right. If you click it, it takes you to today's selections. If you're not familiar with how M'Cheyne's works, the ones labeled "Family" are to be read by the husband to the family, and the ones labeled "Secret" are read individually. If you decide to start this, pick a time and regularly get everybody prepared to read the word, every night, at that time.

So now it's time for me to start the next book in this fat stack sitting on my dresser, which is "A Christian Manifesto". From Hermano Urn's report of the book it should shake me up a little. Good eatin.

I'm noticing more that most people who bear the title Christian aren't living up to their descriptions. There is a numbing sea of apathy amongst American Christians that is as far as the eye can see. I'm disturbed by the lack of ambition toward improving spiritual life and there are a huge amount of people who are content to just bench warm at church. I may have said this on here already, I can't remember.

"Hard to Believe" hit on this fact pretty heavily. He doesn't waste any time getting to the point of saying that he doesn't make any assumptions about peoples' salvation. Never assume that a person who says they're saved really is.

I guess the way to describe how we should be towards people like this is to be what I could call "fire tenders". We should be working on stirring people up and keep them hot so they don't fall out and cool off. Instead, a lot of people are practicing a form of spiritual isolationism, forgoing fellowship in favor of treating church like a roll call is being taken. Blah.

In other news, I'm in contact with a young man who started off coming across as a quasi-atheist with some questions about the Bible. After a late-night visit to his blog I've noticed that he's more or less calling down anathema against everything God-related. I almost--ALMOST--left a comment... but chose not to because his commenting reader base seems to support this view and it's not my intent to make him look like a twit in front of his friends. One of the views is that the Bible shouldn't be trusted because if even one contradiction shows up, the whole thing is trash. I told him that if the Bible has been around this long after being attacked the same way for hundreds of years, it's probably pretty stable if people are still trusting in it. So he points me to the verses Deuteronomy 27:22 and Genesis 20:11-12. To save some time, here they are:

Deut 27:22 Cursed be anyone who lies with his sister, whether the daughter of his father or the daughter of his mother.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen'

Gen 20:11-12 11 Abraham said, "I did it because I thought, There is no fear of God at all in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife. 12 Besides, she is indeed my sister, the daughter of my father though not the daughter of my mother, and she became my wife.

He didn't even quote the verses themselves, just the references. I'm assuming he thinks there's a contradiction here because a rule instated in Deuteronomy appears to have been broken with God's sanction before it had even been invented... It would be like being arrested for selling whiskey 20 years before the Prohibition.

In a way, I'm thankful that people like him and the American Atheists organization exist. They have a tendency of shaking the fakers off that don't have true faith. I don't have a problem saying the Bible is true because there's some kind of God-given information inside me that I can't trace logically and can't just tell anybody about either. It's just THERE. I can't deny it, and I'd be a fool if I did after seeing what all He's done in my life.

Also, I've been pressed lately on the topic of Christian persecution. I don't know why. I read these stories about how Christians were killed for their beliefs and I wonder, what would I do if that started happening here? It's a distasteful thing to think about but it's a possibility. What would you do if someone held a gun to your child's head and threatened to shoot if you didn't recant your beliefs? This BUGS me. Not because of the situation but because I honestly don't know what I'd do. Even Peter denied Christ 3 times in a pretty short time span and he was RIGHT THERE with Him.

Today's Prayer:Lord... there is a ruckus coming and I can feel it. I would ask that you watch over all of us who truly pursue the faith and strive to live for Your glory. It's a hard road, which is to be expected. We have no idea what in particular is on this road, but You do. It's one thing to say that we're ready and another to actually believe it. I don't know where I'm at on this, but I know that You have the power to strengthen us for what's ahead. I'm asking now Lord, that You please give us that thousand-yard stare that goes along with focusing on the eternal things so that the quick lives we live here aren't what we focus on. In Jesus' name, Amen.

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Me: I got those, i sent a long email before i brought up the contradiction idea though. i trashed it so if u didn't get it or deleted it then ya....

I really don't want to be considered anything. "Quasi-Atheist" "Christian" or otherwise. Any definition implies that you know the answers or assume you know the answers. Not my style.

More than contradictions I'm finding as significant or the ways by which the bible has become the book we know today. I suggest you read "Misquoting Jesus" and "Letter to a Christian Nation" if you haven't

I read your blogs and the fact of the matter is anything you call "God's beauty, plan, part of his design" is all justified by the same reasoning of assumption that those who claim the same things to be unorganized or coincidental.

The problem with Christianity for me is the same problem with every religion. It provides one path, all the rules, right or wrong their assumed right simply because. Faith in anything by definition is blind, and on any level of that which you cannot see (in every sense/definition/perception of the "see") you can't make claims.

I just really don't get how people justify themselves when they stay in the dark about the things factually eating away at their beliefs. I read that the the Gods of olympus were created when the elite smart ones of the time fully realized how meaningless and sheer pointless their lives were without something else pulling the strings. and when i look around and here what people then said and though, and how people now speak and think, it all just seems like one endless cycle of repetition. No one solves anything. No one changes, they all dive into a facet of their insecurities that keeps them in fear.

I try to empathize. I put myself into situations and try to play out in my head what i would be thinking at the time. I know what it feels like to be the happiest, more beyond depressed, perverted, goofy, helpful, hateful person and in the end they all play out to this static being that just is. Nothing provides enlightenment but me and what i can make myself believe. And knowing this i have a hard time and outright don't believe people that say they are so caught up in what they don't know and can't define as the one true path to their salvation. Simple human curiosity would drive one mad if they couldn't settle on something, personally contending with all too often.

Like i've said before, information is exponentially compounding. there's no more probable a time that they dig up Jesus than today. And what then? (outlandish but u get what i'm getting at)

The more i think the less sense of self I have as well. what is anyone but a reflection? i don't even trust my likes and dislikes anymore. I know it sounds stupid. Do i have friends or people i use as a means to kill time? do i like all the expensive crap i have or did i just have money to blow explaining why i never use or think about it all.  The only reason I'm finding for living is because its the in thing to do. And what better place than to grab a "convert" than in a vulnerable place like that in their mind. Promises of love and bliss and all you have to do is renounce your current state of confused thought. Christianity comes off as just a refined cult with better punch.

I find myself more often forgiving and forgetting (more often forgetting) people who "sin" what have you against me. It just seems insignificant. I simply can't blame them for living, i don't know their background, and frankly i don't give a crap what they have to say to the same extent that they care to listen to me. then i think, if i can so easily brush life's b/s, be chill during times of drama and duress, and play the role of happy go lucky therapist friend to the people i know, after becoming "self absorbed" and thoughtful why are the members of so many religions having such a hard time to exhibit the same traits?

i said it in my 2nd most recent blog. (been writing a lot lately) people are afraid of themselves. They don't want to think about what it would be like to be on the brink of suicide or murder and not be able to stop. they don't want to think about the taboo and weird. But i do and have. And after this mental acid trip i get to form strong routed opinions about those people and why their actions were justified by them in their own right. Then people all want to point fingers and blame. They want to asses punishment and find out who's responsible. And the laundry list of who influenced what and who said this and urged that could go all the way back till you could try and blame God. And because of that fact, because no one wants to worry about themselves and find that balance in their own mind that allows them to explore and quell the urge to know, everyone is responsible for everything. The phrase "born into sin" came just came into my mind. I guess i have the backward method of understanding why the bible says what it says. I don't read verse and believe it because its there. I live through something and recall a line a heard and can now see why whoever put it there new it would be key in the effort to persuade and convert. All the reasoning behind it was already thought about, magnified, and worked into something you avert to without ever having to really think about it before its used in an argument. And i'm what? some 18 year old kid? not a scholar or great thinker with some agenda. And in some sense, its a "simple" enough process for me.

I'll never be able to throw out the view I have now that provides, as hard as it may be to believe, so much more for the whole and not just the select. I'm aware that I may come off as uniformed or confusing sometimes and probably won't be completely understood unless you read some of the same things i have.

And yep, you got me on the contradiction thing which i'm happy about. Now i have one less opportunity to sound ignorant. I guess you can try to clear up the discrepancies in the gospels for me too if you want lol.

You can comment or respond to anything I say with anything and everything you want. You can spend your life pointing out this and that and explaining your views going blue in the face as they lower your coffin. Its all i ask of anyone who calls themselves alive and human. My friends arn't concerned about me looking stupid or twitish nor am I. I just think about you though, lighting the fire, being like those speed driven pastors of the mega evangelical churches. All the time and effort, the reasoning and stress, happiness and heartache. What will it matter to you when you get to heaven? Are you going to care about the ones you tried to help that are now the beloved burning sufferers. God's going to take away any grief or guilt you could have isn't he? He'll make you forget you ever new those people, friends or family that just didn't make the cut. So what's it matter? But of course its not your place to think about such things right?

Just as no one can say anything about you or me without being one of us, no one can truly say anything about God and his "plan." You agreed people can't trust themselves and be a gauge on their views and beliefs. People can barely if even grasp themselves, but their ready to tackle God.

Also note, i'm pretty specific in my words. I didn't say the bible was trash if a contradiction showed up. I said something claiming to be perfect is invalidated of that perfection fact in such a case. I also tend to read that way and the last few lines of your paragraph in response to me I hope are a generalization about the instance and not exactly how they come across.

If you truly believe the Lord blesses those who truly pursue their faith then to you i would think I'm viewed with Jesus in my back pocket. I can't believe that something like life isn't significant. Isn't valid of focus. Its in this life you get to "praise his name, spread the word, and show the love" and that dosn't matter? If its nothing more than a blip in time....I can't even find the words to describe the level of absolute pointlessness for existence I'm vibing if those were views I so strongly held. And yet you say and pray it so easily? I really don't get it.

If it were my kid with the gun to its head, renounce or else you know what i'd be thinking? Why the hell does this guy even care? He made the trip over here. He took his faith and allowed it to get him pissed off and power hungry. He's so blind to what's actually happening he has a gun to my kids head. He knows the power of fear. He knows because he's so completely entangled with it. He thinks he's God, the version he relates to at least. Life is in his hands and he wants to make it my burden to save it. And for what? words? lies? he wants a lie or the satisfaction of winning? Pull it. Either way nothing is won or really lost. Especially if your a Christian right? Your sure your child is in heaven laughing up just waiting for you. What's so scary? This life isn't important.

[29] Nothing Goes Away

 No one ever really forgets and the truth is more painful than life. I'm pathetic. Paranoid. The world revolves around me complex. I don't know what's me. I don't. I have no identity. Is that why I can't forget her? I want to live through her reflection or something? Everything I do is for what? I try to get lost in movies I can't even appreciate nemore. I have friends who are what really but devices for killing time. No one seems to tell me nething I haven't figured or know already. There's nothing I want to tell neone because all I have are empty listeners with more important things in their own life to think about. So what now? Do you go into some sort of social seclusion? Do u keep being "you"? all my likes and dislikes don't matter. They aren't even mine. What power does choice really give you. Dive into A or B or color them both red or stay where you are. Everything is still nothing. I'm no one. The only reason I "matter" is because people I should care about don't want to feel sorry for me. Or at least I don't want them to. I'm afraid of where this lack of giving a shit will take me. I read once that when people realized how futile and pointless their lives really were is when the God's of Olympus were created for the people. It makes sense. If people felt like I do then what else besides "the divine" could help? That only pushes me farther away from believing. I'd like to write a book. Put all the drama and confusion into some artfully deep poetic satire of my life. Then what. Some remix of a story already told. Some cry for attention. What is an author but a self indulgent intellect with too much time. I don't know why I love her. I do though. I do and I want to force it away. I'm tired of caring. Fuck me, fuck the situation, fuck it all. No one, nothing matters. Its all intelligently designed bullshit. I'm fucking done. If this fucking feeling won't go away I'll force it out. I'm not waiting on "god" nemore. what plan. What pupose. We invent it all. We created all. We are all. And ALL this bullshit and drama, the very key to our exsistence, won't find itself anywhere but shitting on my head. The only reason I feel guilt is because of her. The only reason I care is because of her. The only reason for nething is becoming because of her and I'm not a fucking psycho obsessive. I refuse to go crazy or creepy or hopeless or deep or confused or thoughtful about this shit nemore. it won't go away so fuck it. I'll fight it. I'll kill it. one dead memory I can deal with in hell. What doors can I open then. Fuck repeating history. Over and over in an endless loop of fear. I want to know my potential. I want to fucking get an answer to the most complicatedly simply question in my life. The significance of choice is what. It's the only thing people find pure. The definition of definition. What good is choice when u see what ur really picking between?

[28] Things You Know, Things You Don't. Things You Know You Don't Know

Things you Know, tHINGS you don'T. THings you know YOu don't kNOw

Damnit, so I can't stop myself from thinking tonight. I can't get over the bible, or basically the lack of knowledge behind it. Why most if not all of Christianity was ripped off of Paganism. Why new findings and doctrines conflict with the ideal and send people into their rabbit holes. I started thinking about Dream Girl again and that fucked up drop stomach thing again. That bastard concept of love. Its manipulated. The impact that fear of knowledge has on humanity is so beyond harmful, I can only describe it as Hell. Typical Christians in my life…..

---I am saved, and I love God more than anything. He performed some miracle in my life that has only strengthened my faith. When I mess up the devil has some control over me and I pray the problems away. If you don't believe in the bible your really missing out. What's wrong with blind faith? I was just always raised in a Christian home and that's what I believe. I see some good points to my faith, I don't always follow exactly, but the good things I see make everything right. The bible isn't wrong, moreover can never be wrong….of course I believe in evolution. Why is it always my faith getting attacked? There was nothing left out of the bible. Archaelogy bringing about new ideas and proof? Ha! My interpretation or my church's interpretation is perfect.—

I really think I know why the religions like Taoism and Buddhism, which focus on self understanding and finding the God within and not through analyzing the rules, bring about the people with the happiest atmospheres and pleasant lives. The only way I get over that bullshit drop stomach feeling and depressed or misguided thoughts is to explore myself and my personality flaws. I'd like to be tolerant of religion and people who so blindly follow the bible, but the fact is the real harm from such practices is plain sad. People who stay poor, depressed, and especially stressed, but just pray and go to church all the time hoping for it to get better make no sense to me. They don't look at their lives and see what's wrong and act to make a change. They look for the book to tell them just wait in your shithole cus God's a comin. All the while they hold their head high…out of pride? No, because their up to their necks.

I always go back to it. Fear. When your afraid you do, think, say, believe anything. Can anyone say the power of government…. Let's be honest. The main, whether people say it or not and live selfless and giving lives, reason people "believe" is fear of Hell. None can comprehend or fathom why their ever loving God would have you burn forever for lack of belief. And when you don't know something you either deny or blindly take the bible's answer. It comforts and makes the pain of thinking go away. So therefore your crutch becomes your credo, because in that world your never wrong.

That pseudo-Christianity/Islam/Whatever else, that everyone belongs too is simply called yourself. If you don't stay true to it your true to nothing. In that world you can find true understanding, but only if you look. You can overcome fear and be living proof. When you can't express yourself you can't receive others expressions. You can't feel the power someone might have to offer you. God is love? Then love is infallible and perfect. And from my own life, if love is viewed as wrong or imperfect, then one side's version of "God" is wrong. 

 Its true, faith and belief can bring a lot of happiness and joy into a persons life. You can have moments that you can't describe as anything but holy or God-ish. But the fact of the matter is those same types of moments are experienced all over the world, all through time, all the time by people who say they feel Mohamed or by Atheists, or people just playing their instruments or walking through a park.

I think there is a healthy line between obsession and being passionately dramatic. Unfortunately who's to say when its crossed.

Through all this thinking and fucked up heartache I'd like to think I've matured. Just not in the way society breeds. I don't want to get old and have one of those stupid grandpa stories of that one perfect girl. How many times has that happened I wonder? And how much could have been gained if everyone was simply honest with themselves? There are still holes in me. My views seem to change everyday and different thoughts fight over control of my personal, individual reflection. Obviously I haven't found all the answers if I've gone back to certain thoughts.

I had this weird night, one of too many thoughts, worst dropped stomach ever. And in the back of my head after I heard something about God experiencing your feelings I thought. "Can you feel this too God? Do you go through this same heartache and bullshit as me. Do you suffer?" and in an instant the feeling went away. I was completely confused and dumbfounded to be honest. I just kinda laid there like, well wtf do I do now. The only thing that bothers me about that night is, I can't tell if it was sheer defiance of belief that made me "suck it up," fix myself and lay their confused, or the "holy spirit" somehow intervening. This is one of those moments I believe send people into the right direction or soooo far into the wrong one. Is it the God route and take everything that claims to be "Him" at face value, or look to control and understand what actually happened in their minds. Do those people who go through life altering events and weird unexplained phenomena really receive divine intervention and help, or, in the back of their mind are they telling themselves FUCKING DO SOMETHING, I'M GONNA DIE, HELP ME PLEASE, WHY WON'T THE PAIN GO AWAY, THERE HAS TO BE SOME WAY…..and tap into that (un)conscious energy field of perfection and wholeness that "cures" them. The real fear driving them to real truth, to true power. The Will to Power. How much someone can control with the knowledge about fear?  The answers for the one thing people rarely want to face, the methods for overcoming it, the promise for perfect life anew with control of it. Fuck, I was wrong, people aren't afraid of hell or punishment, they're afraid of themselves.

[27] Scream It From The Rooftops

Category: Life
You are a DUMBASS if you do not believe in evolution. You are a DUMBASS if you have faith and don't know expressly why. YOU ARE A DUMBASS if you don't read, watch the news, discuss, and think about any issue your unsure or scared of. I'M SURROUND BY A SEA OF DUMBASSES.

I want to take a moment to define the word fact. A fact is some thing, claim, ideal, or otherwise, that can be proven or disproved. To merely say something is a fact just tells people "make me look wrong." Scientists don't' say evolution is a fact "because" and leave it at that. There is a shit load, beyond shit load of evidence behind the claim. I'm sick of right wing religious fucks playing the Nazi role and twisting research and spreading propaganda.

The most important question I think anyone can ever ask: When did you become a judge for a God? The fact of life is people as a whole barely have a grasp on their own life let alone what other people's purpose in life is supposed to be. What is more anti-peace, anti-community, and anti-life then trying to control other people. Make them feel bad for being here and feeling unconfined. TAKE CARE OF YOUR FUCKING SELF. Work out your own personal issues, find out why you think you could become the next college shooter. Ask yourself why you don't take advice or go where you think you want to in life. Be honest to yourself about why your prayers aren't answered. Admit your scared out of your mind to think that you have one life to live and up until an epiphany you may not have been living it the way you wanted.

A fact. A bible that claims to be perfect, unbound by the constraints of time, and a guide for morals and how to live is completely FALSE with 1 and ONLY 1 contradiction. And if your asking for just one, read the story of Abraham. If you know this and continue to deny what's right in front of you its called denial. Its called immense fear of your spiritual world crashing to an end. I had a Christian mentor I guess tell me your life should feel like your in hell for the reward afterward. All I can think of is the devil. If this reward is so immense, so great and amazing, how could a being second to only God himself fuck up and think its not enough. The devil is a fictional character that is too stupid to be believable.

If there is a God then that means unbounded, un ruled, nothing stops him from changing a "rule" on a whim. This omniscient being correct? He knows everything. Even the people that will end up in Hell. A perfectly unconditionally loving being knows he will create you and send you to hell. This is your God? How many bible readers read and stress over the parts that say stone your devirginized wife? How many think they're really going to Hell if they work on Sunday? The main point I'm trying to make is, your either a Christian or your not. All this pseudo-Christian bullshit where everyone points the finger is the most ungodly faithless display of anything you could take from the religion.
What if someone told you there is only this life? You will die, and come back and re live it over and over again. How many times would you want to die being unsure about yourself? How many lives would u want to live in servitude coming up empty handed in the end? How far will you push the ones who love you while you look for answers in place you only imagine is perfect?

What I don't understand is how any Christian can't or doesn't care to know where the origins of their faith came from. How many of their "true" and "perfect" ideals were better perfected, explained, and understood in Christianity's predecessors. Why the atheists and agnostics and Buddhist and Hindis and countless other random factions of spirituality don't have wars, are at peace, and live the longest, most fulfilling lives that strive for true love and understanding.

Are you TRULY happy with your faith? If I put a gun to your head is Heaven in your eyes? Is it a great thing that the un baptized kids are in limbo or hell while your laughing it up in Heaven? Anyone and everyone has hidden behind plan to explain things that you can't understand. Muslims, who outnumber Christians, believe EXACTLY as you do about you going to hell, and Mohamed being the profit with their religion being right. NOONE SEES THE FUCKING BIGGER PICTURE. Its not about your faith, your associations, ur friends, your fears or strengths. Its all about you. You love so u can feel happy about yourself, you hate to quench the urge that makes you thrive for revenge or violence. "Happy" fathers of "loving" families kill themselves everyday because they can't make heads or tails about what is actually them and what is the face they've learned to make.

Another thing, this stem cell business is also beyond ridiculous. STEM CELLS ARE GOOD, GREAT, AND AMAZINGLY GRAND. If you have a problem taking cells from something the fraction of a fly's brain you're a certified retard. If you think the little girl in Kansas who is looking for a way to fight cancer is dying because God thinks she deserves to and those cells are supposed to go to some kid who doesn't even exist yet, you again are fucking retarded. I'd take every "potential life" from every third world woman and turn it into a cure for something before I let one more kid grow up with HIV and cut off limbs. And its not God telling me what's morally right or wrong. God says its ok to have slaves in the bible. The world has told Him where to shove that idea. So why is shit like this so hard to solve?

How pompous I hear some people talk about their position in their faith. "I'm saved, go me." "Oh!? you don't believe in the kingdom of Heaven? Well enjoy your stay in hell. I love you like a brother, condemned sinner." That look when someone is so full of their own bullshit they look down on you like you're a younger brother who just needs to listen harder to some older wisdom. Like what you know and lived through is so meaningless and misguided. That smug smile that doesn't want to look so gloating as "God forbids such pride," but can't help shoving every ounce of their self affirmation down your throat. I hate that fucking smile.

SCIENCE IS NOT AGAINST GOD. If anything the more scientific things I hear about the more a God would have to play a role in them. Neither science nor faith EXPLAINS shit. They don't know and will NEVER know. Science proposes ideas, theories, and laws and attempts to back them up with undeniable evidence. Religion relies on stories, and parables, and PURE INTERPRETATION. And for the mass populace, that's ok. They don't question, they don't think, and most scarily they don't care. If a battle for eternal salvation was weighing on my conscious I'd take every step needed to make sure I'm on the winning side.

People abuse the bible to segregate and "organize" their terrible, stress filled, meaningless lives. They don't embrace and apply the teachings because in their heart they know something is flawed. They stay away from people that may make them happy and thoughtful because they aren't "Christian" enough. This is something I will never be able to fathom on any level. Love itself, the pinnacle on the ladder of aspirations, is stifled and outright killed because of fear to learn or think about something from someone outside their prayer circle.

DO YOU FEEL HAPPY?
DO YOU FEEL FULFILLED?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ANYTHING?
DO YOU KNOW YOURSELF?
DO YOU EVEN CARE WHAT YOUR RELIGION DOES TO THE WORLD?
DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT YOURSELF?
DO YOU SEE HOW BENEFICIAL CHANGE CAN BE?
DO YOU TRULY, BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT, KNOW LOVE?

A hesitation on any one of those questions should open so many doors. And if you don't step through them you hide behind them. The bible won't answer these questions.

How do you teach the art of not lying to yourself? How can you convince people its ok to be wrong? Why does no one have faith in themselves?
I feel happy, though I know I could be happier.
I feel fulfilled, but I know there's plenty of information to keep stretching the confines of my mind.
I understand that humanity repeats itself and is stuck in a rut driven by fear and laziness.
I know I can be completely heartless and completely selfless in a moments notice. I know that I have a lot of thoughts and ideas about the world and it literally pains me to think about some of the people I know and situations I hear about.
I know that some Christians go on missions to poor countries plagued with HIV and preach hellfire and condemn condoms.
I care enough about myself to not blindly believe anything I read or think about without investigating it.
I know what changes have taken place in me involving my outlook on the world, thoughts about death, and interactions amongst different people.
I know that love is so much more than any book, piece of music, or broken heart can express. It takes work and effort if not a pure expression of will to make it true. It is not something that you have to question.

There is this moment. No future or past. This one instant in the void between time where you can find truth. What are you waiting for?

[26] Maybe You Should Decide What The Title Is

Current mood: blank

You know what the truth is…

I have four, maybe five friends I can pretty much trust. 1 absolutely. Hypocrisy finds its way into your life before you know what's happening. I'm going to get everywhere I've ever wanted in life and it will all account for nothing. And at least for now I don't even care of that fact. I have an emotional void for people's feelings. I can't force myself to care. The closer I look and farther I reach into a path geared towards understanding, the more I feel detached from the world and everyone in it. I thought for a time there was something more, something to aspire to, yet nothing is guaranteed. People lie to themselves and therefore lie to me. I'm guilty of it. And too many unsolvable and downright ridiculous problems arise from it all. Freedom of choice? That's the ideal. We feel like we're in control so therefore must be. I'd like to believe it. Know that everything I said was me saying it. And how will anyone ever know? Has life always been this process of who can pretend they know the answers the best? You take responsibility for what you do. Somewhere whether you feel guilty or not, were considered right or wrong, is your action weighing on your mind.

Can you only truly suffer for others actions or just your own?

Its easy to blame. Too easy. Does that mean that you can never blame, at least appropriately? You can do whatever you want at any time. Listening to friends, family, tv etc. you've already been programmed a certain way. I've thought that I knew what I wanted. Everyday some new detail is etched into my future. It still isn't shit. First it was the lavish lifestyle, huge house and money piles. Then it was the perfect girl. Lately its been trying to better understand myself. What will it all account for though? The money dream, easy enough to see through. The perfect girl, tends to only be perfect to the one making the claim. Trying to know myself has led to more open doors and possibilities that I can't even imagine exploring all in one lifetime. Do I really care that much about my future so as not to drink or do drugs? Don't I really feel like I could still do those things and get by? Sure, its one thing to hear how bad it is from people, but what do I actually know? Using drugs and alcohol were just examples of the perhaps potentially threatening paths your mind can take you when every question is asked. All the questions, uncertainty, and temptation to delve deeper and learn as to how and why are encoded in your genes.

I'd want to guard myself from people like me, even to the point where I feel like I restrict myself from me. And no, not in some schizoid freak way. "Its that evil Devil figure who manifests himself in questions like those," they say. Good thing religion is designed to protect you from the collective thought right? :-/ The thoughts that keep your attention on your nails or phone when someone says I love you. Or the thoughts that make you laugh at a crippled retard trying to ski. I long for something much more than a trip out to college, or loving relationship. I feel as though I don't even want to be here period. And no, not a suicidal thing either. Something beyond my reach is just pulling at my head. All of my past mistakes or sins or whatever the hell you want to classify my actions as just won't and don't matter. Its as if a hell wouldn't be so terrible. Where your forced to the point of understanding. There's no choice not to answer and face your "demons." At least then at some expression, or lack there of, of time you will grow and know you have learned why.

Just because you set a purpose, does that automatically give it credibility? You dream the big dream, fight the good fight. All the true consequences of you reaching your goal can never be known though. Happiness and love are what people preach as the road to fulfillment. Why then do I want to suffer? I mean I'm not a sado who's into pain or anything, but I don't feel like I can ever reach the golden nugget of fulfillment without paying for something. You can talk of forgiving the past and now the road is brand new and wide open, but you'll never forget. If you are compelled to ask for forgiveness in the first place, your past already has a design where forgiveness was once a foolish word and atonement wasn't a concern. So what's stopping you from revisiting those places in your mind after some "rebirth?" When you want to fear God and be disciplined is when your in church that Sunday and reading a verse or two. Only abusing an outlet to overcome what you either fear or don't know how to handle. Pure being and understanding pushed further out of reach.

I don't want to be forgiven as much as I don't want to forgive. I don't know where the amount you care about something fits into that. People have straight fucked me more times than I can imagine. At the same time when the dust clears I feel like none of it matters and I just stopped caring. I've had kids hold grudges towards me to this day since kindergarten who I can barely remember their name. Listening to moments of sporadic and "significant" feelings can take you just as nowhere as always following logic. It's a dead end crossroad. Love, fear, hope, anger all fall into the boat of "who's really giving a shit sooner or later?" to me. Then it turns into did I do something "right" because I thought it was "right" or felt it was "right" or because it was actually right? Same in respect to "wrong."  If you have any grasp at what I'm getting at you can begin to see the circles I run in my head nonstop. Simple example, you can buy clothes at Hollister because you thought it would get you recognized, felt like you were popular, but were actually sooo wrong if you killed a part of yourself in the process.

Who wants to live like that? Why think so much? Duh Nick, this is right, that is wrong, what's so hard to understand? Do you need a hug? Wow I totally relate with half the stuff I semi understood, but thank God I don't have to think about it past the point I came up to at the end of this.

[25] Fear, Unequivacle Knowledge, Coincidence And Understanding

Are all what I failed miserably at explaining how I originally wanted when I started this....o well you can still read it anyway I guess.

So I think I finally came about the best word to describe a "religion" that would fit me. Gnostic. Basically just one who believes in knowledge and gaining understanding. Not being about judging the experiences as right or wrong, just working with the information at hand "in the now" as 60's cliché as that may sound. I can't tell you how true seek and you shall find can influence your life. Literally within the past 24 hours I've heard all this information about unpublished books of the bible, theories about quantum physics, and ways to manifest desires. What truly makes this stuff so interesting to me is that at the extreme ends of science and the basic principles of religion all push towards the same ideas. I suggest reading anything by Deepak Chopra and watching the religion specials on the History channel. People need to find how to get into the unconscious gap where your actions aren't expressions of fear. If your afraid of your thoughts and hide behind preconceptions instead of trying to understand yourself, then your missing out on what you have to offer yourself and the world. I was listening to a tape on the nature of coincidence. Things so mathematically impossible that to consider them insignificant is simply tragic. Some intelligent design seemingly orchestrating your personal interactions and direction you go in life. Think about the millionaires who always knew they were going to be millionaires and never had an ounce of doubt they couldn't make it. Or adventurers who travel all over the world, most dangerous places imaginable and know they aren't going to get hurt or will find something amazing. I mean déjà vu, seeing your future, speaking in sink with your best friend…All are blips of evidence that something is all knowing and conscious propelling are perception of reality. I really feel like a retard trying to recite back in Spanish what I heard from a Hindi scholar, but I still want whoever cares to read get a perception of me and hopefully understand why I do, say, and think the things I do. One I think I easily enough remember Chopra said is that he knows and lives his purpose in life. And when he said he was hear to inform and spread joy and happiness to those around him I kinda felt as though I related to him. I want people to know things and understand their lives. I'd love to love when the opportunities present themselves, if in fact the opportunities ever go away in the first place. Or be able to stop the automatic judge button that gets pressed when you meet someone. I don't think being caring or nice to people when you consider yourself an asshole to be necessarily acting fake as much as a lack of understanding about yourself. If you allow yourself to get stressed about your "faith" or problems past and future you can't control your ignoring yourself now. I'm getting distracted and losing where I was originally going with this so if you actually care that much I'll suggest books and tapes and indulge in deep stimulating conversations that are fun for the whole family….

Random thought: All the pictures of saints and apostles and religious folks out that and none of them are wearing crosses around their necks?

[24] I Want To Propose A Challenge

Current mood: inquisitive 
Category: Life

You can handle it.

Think about a time when an emotion controlled you. When you've gotten angry enough to punch through a wall or couldn't see straight enough to direct your yelling. Or maybe when your close friend or family member has died and grief became more than a word and instead part of your being. It can even be a happy moment, one where everything just felt complete and nothing else mattered. Times that made you blind with emotion. Put yourself there. Hear all the sounds, smell the air, pick out every detail you can remember. Remember how angry, distraught, or elated you felt. Really put yourself back to that time and let it set in for a moment.

Your at the height of your emotion, head practically spinning... and now someone has a gun to your head. You don't know why this person is doing this, but in your heart you know you're about to die. The anger and confusion in their eyes tells the story and to them, it's your fault. No more I love yous, nothing else to live for, no chance to appeal.

I know death to people today is easily enough brushed off, and this isn't some message to live life like you were dying or make everyday the fullest kinda crap. I want you to hear the voice in your head. How many Christians that praise heaven so highly and talk about everlasting love will feel a calm sensation and a voice that says, "Finally?" How many atheists will smile at the thought that now they can be reborn into the tree they were always meant to be? If you're not learning how to handle death, then you'll never understand how to live your life. It's not the other way around.

People generate their own internal drugs. They use them to establish "happiness" and "truth." When you don't get enough of a drug, then in comes withdrawal. It's seen in every broken relationship, case of depression, and insecurity. It's the Christians that "fall" from grace or the billionaire that commits suicide. Thinking they had the answers and unable to deal with some inadequacy lashed out in withdrawal. "I love Jesus, I know everlasting love is in heaven." "I love money, buying these girls simply rocks!" And while they scream happy and "know" all the answers they still feel that nothing is really alright. They look in the mirror and get lost, because their eyes tell them something isn't making sense.

It's not about doing every extreme sport every day pushing your chance of death. It's not a hug campaign to make everyone feel good. You don't have to travel the entire world and experience every last pain and pleasure the world has to offer. The only thing you need to do to appreciate and feel as though your able to live life the way you want, is to embrace your death. At any moment, if you can smile in peace and understanding the second before he pulls that trigger, you've accomplished more than any empire, scholar, or philosopher. When you use your click drug or happy face drug or misunderstood and misplaced faith drug you're hiding in fear of what you have to offer to yourself and the world. All you know is that you don't know anything, except that you have a chance to know yourself. What'd you do to piss this gunman off? Maybe nothing. Did you get a chance to tell her "I love you?" Does that even matter? How can I escape? Is anyone watching? Is that my life flashing before my eyes? I'm only 17. I wasn't that angry at him...

Is a flurry of unanswered questions, half sentences, and past regrets running through your head during your last breath? What a relief it would it be instead to just say to yourself, "Finally."

[23] Shortest, Most Amazing Side Note You'll Ever Want To Read

[edit: Talk about time changing your perspective...yeesh...]

Ok so I'm actually in the middle of reading a book but I had to stop and write a little something because once again I'm blown away. Life After Death the burden of truth by Deepak Chopra should be read by everyone everywhere. I don't care how blanketed or ignorant that statement may sound. If you've ever read my blogs you see me ranting about so many things that all seem to branch off into some random question that seems to either make absolutely no sense or maybe seem vaguely familiar. Well I've literally said things in past blogs that I've read in this book practically word for word. Thoughts that I thought were so crazy and so unanswerable are being answered, or at least addressed, because I'm not alone. If you've ever had a question about the meaning of life, what happens when you die, how you can fulfill your "purpose," or why you may doubts aspects of your religion then I urge you to read the hell out of this book. Read passages over and over and meditate on them. I swear its like the second I'm about to crash and think there is no hope, bam, something like this hits me and again I'm allowed the opportunity to take something and grow. I'm not saying this is a cure all to any and everything you may think of and its not meant to be. It does however provide for the open mind. It doesn't condemn or demean any religion but instead parallels and questions. Buy the book without a second thought, I'm reading it from the library and I'm still buying it when I'm done. By now you get it, I believe this is an amazing book and I'm gonna go back to reading.

[22] Just That Much More Left Unanswered

Current mood: simply starving to feel safe

I think I'm going to begin my slow but steady path back onto the road of unique just like everyone else. Good news though, I don't have to be depressed or pessimistic anymore so basically, I'm no longer a bitch. Its definitely true that when you lose, or i guess in this case maybe forsake and confuse?, love part of your soul dies with it. Quite simply, I'm tired of stress, thinking, and all the other crap that keeps me awake and tense. It's not me. She won't really talk to me and I can't help that. I send some stupid ass way of explaining myself at probably an incredibly weird and awkward time, and I really hate putting myself on the "how ridiculous can I look" line. So fuck it. I must still have something of a soul or good center because I did actually feel bad for this fat chick I saw on true life. I know I won't get what I really want from resorting back to my ways in the past, but what the hell is stopping me? The only thing I've been letting make me feel all this bullshit is me, so I'll change back. Thank God I'm out of school now and it will be that much easier not having to go and hope she'll show up or be in a flirtatious mood or something. I hate to try this semi isolation method. Little recourse is left though and I'm tired of feeling so fucked up about it all. Unfortunately I'm too old and set in my ways to put on the "everything's happy and ok cloak" that religion wants to provide. Things can always get worse and I never have anything to complain about. "Love" I guess then really isn't that important. It can be, it can be amazing and meaningful and yada blah dee dah. If things are in the way and nothing is being solved then its almost less than important. It kills me how I can see kids on Juvies who have moms just as psychotic as mine and have it worse off. I hear stories from my step mom about getting rapped her entire kid life while her mom sat by and even blamed it on her. I see this fat chick on tv who's so hurt and mentally fucked because of the comments people like me make. I watch all these war movies recently, people dieing for nothing, families destroyed. And I have the audacity to carry on and on about a feeling in my stomach and restless thoughts? Priorities right. Must be the human condition to bitch no matter what. That's what makes me a terrible person more than anything else. Worrying about love, probably some misconstrued folded back on itself and slapped around self centered love, instead of finding ways to spread it. It is admittedly really hard to let go of caring about something though when you don't really feel connected to people. Like that fake face is necessary in every conversation. You get to feel guilty about the other half of your personality in one group or another. I can't do it anymore though, not that I was even able to do it well enough to be believable. I'm not fake no matter how far things are in the past, no matter how much I could "repent", nothing changes who I am. I really want to know what it is that truly makes people. Forms their personalities and is responsible for every small detail. The people who grow up having it the "best" can fall/rise just as hard and fast as some ghetto dweller. All these religious people that are so nice and caring get me the most. Does that just happen? Do they work at it and just think some of the crap that I'm always saying? Would some be as strong morally and mentally if they were in the same situations as some terrible sinners were early in life? I'm losing all faith in humanity because it feels like I'm the only one with ten million questions with ten million people all willing to look the other way and disappear into rut that is more and more undoubtedly a misuse and sham of a life. Fear. People apparently fear what they don't know right? So then why is there no drive to know everything you can? I don't like being confused, pumping out new blogs all the time, especially since they don't seem to connect with anyone anymore. Maybe it won't be such a terrible thing for the world to end in 2012. I don't know if God can get frustrated, but this current planet does seem like a valid situation. Who knows what the future holds, for now though I'm taking back my old flow that got me through everything then and will now. It's a lonely place, but its real. And this way it protects the ones I can't figure out how to "correctly" care about.  Fuck, gotta love the headaches that start to kick in. Before I get cross eyed, ya, I'm done.

[21] IN div...I dual i...tY

What really makes someone an individual? Browse through the thousands of myspace profiles, watch the millions of youtube videos…. Everyone to some degree or another listens to the same music as you do, drinks the same things, takes the weird "I'm alternative, but still cool and dark" picture, or sports their popular clothes. These people have the same smiles, same poses, same thoughts and blurbs in their about me sections. Every school is the worst, or the most exciting and awesome. No one could possibly ask for a better best friend they have in their profile picture. I was just walking around the mall and noticing how every seems to scream their insecurities and pledge their allegiance to the crowd. How you can find a presence in the air of, "I think I'm the only one in the mall and I need to look like this because…….." All the clicks have their cool guy, hot girl, jokester, chubby one to make the others look better. Then I start to think about what I heard in waking life about how history constantly repeats itself with all these famous philosophers and theologians coming to mind blowing conclusions and compounding on all the previous information to make bigger and more mind blowing conclusions. What I don't get is if there is this air or presence lingering over everyone's heads making them feel, say, and think all this that makes them so connected, what is it pushing towards and can we discover true identity? How can we have so much information from the past and technology now and not be able to zero in on the big picture. God signs maybe? Telling us all to tap into our "true" selves and get the point already.

But, it’s like really depressing to think of yourself as nothing more than an imitation of someone more like the person you want to be. I think the only thing that sets us apart from each other is a concentrated effort to deny any connection that may exist. Or maybe fear to explore where that connection could take you. I think that's where it really breaks down when people find love. Its like I go to an MCR concert and find people all arm in arm with their emo alternative chick or dyed hair pierced guy. Now there has to be something to make girl/guy dressed in black different. People sense or feel this connection to something to more than the eyeliner or way they flick their hair. The question is, how can everyone tap into that sense that self that seems to be only perceived by a few? What is that sense of "the one" and the relation it has to who were created to be? Its almost a direct correlation with people that adopt the view of "the few" or "the many" and their confused perception of morals or denied and unanalyzed thoughts about the whys behind their actions. Its easy to justify being a floozy when you kill any urge to stress or think. You can always live by your own rules and be "yourself" when you've never explored what living by something else may have to offer. This is why religion is so intriguing to me. With all of the rules, separatism, and interpretations it all just points to this bigger sense of understanding. They all claim to have the answers behind finding that person who gets into heaven or gets the virgins. But what really is going to more self revealing and problem solving than living? 

Look at sexuality. Sex is supposed to be this engagement between couples in love. Obviously for a lot of people that isn't the case. The bible would shake its finger and say how wrong you are and taking the wrong path to God. For some people though, random fucking may provide this overwhelming sense in their hearts and minds that tells them something more than some errant preacher of the gospel. Anyone that doesn't agree can just look at any "sin" they partake in and look at the messages it sends them. Your continuation of such activities, despite your acceptance or denial of what they are telling you, does not change the fact that the opportunity for a lasting and deep impression is still present. It's kinda funny and coincidental to me how all my "problems" seem to mesh into one picture. Feelings for dream girl, screwed up past, thoughts on religion, plans for my future. It all boils down to me wanting to tap into myself and live like force I can't explain wants me to. Base my decisions on something more than a rule book or an insecurity. We grow up imitating. When do we know how and when the cord can be cut? My thing with the bible is that its only valid if it backs up what you, in every sense of the word "truly," believe before you ever read it. That's when the real message comes across. Until then you look like just another cult member. 

Thou shalt not steal takes on a whole new meaning when you've gone to jail. What do people do when they are restricted? Duh, look to get unrestricted. Why drop a rule book on the heads of a gene pool that's main motivation in life is to be free? You might say to set them free. Free from what though? Free from life? Free from this limbo spiritual battlefield? If that's how its all going down then why live? Does someone being human and then super human give you a better perspective of why you should'nt follow the devil? Do you get an extra merit badge for going through life's bullshit that the angels never had to? I mean its not hard to sympathize with the agnostics and atheists if you can't understand how, if at all, this spiritual force is impacting your life. If everything is set into play because of nothing more than predictable actions and probability then right there is why the concept of love is so important. All the foreseeable actions, time, and probability in the world is going to make you meet or connect with millions of people, but nothing they have to offer can even vaguely compare to the sensation you get being around that one. That's when all those rules and "restrictions" become your life. When you learn and live through actual true love. In all honesty I think your actions are justified in ignorance or knowledge if they are striving to reach that understanding.

Random fun thoughts cus I know you got distracted and stopped really reading after four sentences……If you’re married by a pastor who's boning the alter boys, is your marriage valid?

regardless