Current mood: blank
You
know what the truth is…
I
have four, maybe five friends I can pretty much trust. 1 absolutely.
Hypocrisy finds its way into your life before you know what's
happening. I'm going to get everywhere I've ever wanted in life and
it will all account for nothing. And at least for now I don't even
care of that fact. I have an emotional void for people's feelings. I
can't force myself to care. The closer I look and farther I reach
into a path geared towards understanding, the more I feel detached
from the world and everyone in it. I thought for a time there was
something more, something to aspire to, yet nothing is guaranteed.
People lie to themselves and therefore lie to me. I'm guilty of it.
And too many unsolvable and downright ridiculous problems arise from
it all. Freedom of choice? That's the ideal. We feel like we're in
control so therefore must be. I'd like to believe it. Know that
everything I said was me saying it. And how will anyone ever know?
Has life always been this process of who can pretend they know the
answers the best? You take responsibility for what you do. Somewhere
whether you feel guilty or not, were considered right or wrong, is
your action weighing on your mind.
Can
you only truly suffer for others actions or just your own?
Its
easy to blame. Too easy. Does that mean that you can never blame, at
least appropriately? You can do whatever you want at any time.
Listening to friends, family, tv etc. you've already been programmed
a certain way. I've thought that I knew what I wanted. Everyday some
new detail is etched into my future. It still isn't shit. First it
was the lavish lifestyle, huge house and money piles. Then it was the
perfect girl. Lately its been trying to better understand myself.
What will it all account for though? The money dream, easy enough to
see through. The perfect girl, tends to only be perfect to the one
making the claim. Trying to know myself has led to more open doors
and possibilities that I can't even imagine exploring all in one
lifetime. Do I really care that much about my future so as not to
drink or do drugs? Don't I really feel like I could still do those
things and get by? Sure, its one thing to hear how bad it is from
people, but what do I actually know? Using drugs and alcohol were
just examples of the perhaps potentially threatening paths your mind
can take you when every question is asked. All the questions,
uncertainty, and temptation to delve deeper and learn as to how and
why are encoded in your genes.
I'd
want to guard myself from people like me, even to the point where I
feel like I restrict myself from me. And no, not in some schizoid
freak way. "Its that evil Devil figure who manifests himself in
questions like those," they say. Good thing religion is designed
to protect you from the collective thought right? :-/ The thoughts
that keep your attention on your nails or phone when someone says I
love you. Or the thoughts that make you laugh at a crippled retard
trying to ski. I long for something much more than a trip out to
college, or loving relationship. I feel as though I don't even want
to be here period. And no, not a suicidal thing either. Something
beyond my reach is just pulling at my head. All of my past mistakes
or sins or whatever the hell you want to classify my actions as just
won't and don't matter. Its as if a hell wouldn't be so terrible.
Where your forced to the point of understanding. There's no choice
not to answer and face your "demons." At least then at some
expression, or lack there of, of time you will grow and know
you have learned why.
Just
because you set a purpose, does that automatically give it
credibility? You dream the big dream, fight the good fight. All the
true consequences of you reaching your goal can never be known
though. Happiness and love are what people preach as the road to
fulfillment. Why then do I want to suffer? I mean I'm not a sado
who's into pain or anything, but I don't feel like I can ever reach
the golden nugget of fulfillment without paying for something. You
can talk of forgiving the past and now the road is brand new and wide
open, but you'll never forget. If you are compelled to ask for
forgiveness in the first place, your past already has a design where
forgiveness was once a foolish word and atonement wasn't a concern.
So what's stopping you from revisiting those places in your mind
after some "rebirth?" When you want to fear God and be
disciplined is when your in church that Sunday and reading a verse or
two. Only abusing an outlet to overcome what you either fear or don't
know how to handle. Pure being and understanding pushed further out
of reach.
I
don't want to be forgiven as much as I don't want to forgive. I don't
know where the amount you care about something fits into that. People
have straight fucked me more times than I can imagine. At the same
time when the dust clears I feel like none of it matters and I just
stopped caring. I've had kids hold grudges towards me to this day
since kindergarten who I can barely remember their name. Listening to
moments of sporadic and "significant" feelings can take you
just as nowhere as always following logic. It's a dead end crossroad.
Love, fear, hope, anger all fall into the boat of "who's really
giving a shit sooner or later?" to me. Then it turns into did I
do something "right" because I thought
it was "right" or felt
it was "right" or because it was actually
right? Same in respect to "wrong." If you have any
grasp at what I'm getting at you can begin to see the circles I run
in my head nonstop. Simple example, you can buy clothes at Hollister
because you thought it would get you recognized, felt like you were
popular, but were actually sooo wrong if you killed a part of
yourself in the process.
Who wants to live
like that? Why think so much? Duh Nick, this is right, that is wrong,
what's so hard to understand? Do you need a hug? Wow I totally relate
with half the stuff I semi understood, but thank God I don't have to
think about it past the point I came up to at the end of this.
