[381] Glutton For Punishment

I had to pause from reading an article describing how critical thinking is being degraded and threatened because I'm struck with a thought that needs to be explored.

I think I secretly want punishment and consequences. If you know even a little about my background, the responses to my brother and I's wrongdoings as children were not always met with a reasoned and equal response from our mother. The gutting of stuffed animals or wanton spatula, wire hanger, and belt swinging are not the kind of consequences I mean.

I really am haunted by my drunken escapade at the pool. But there's nothing to hold me accountable. I didn't get arrested. No one came over and explained to me that I was being an asshole. My friend I was with is willing to forgive and carry on. I feel like I'm on a huge playing field with no rules. It occurs to me how often writing is me trying to establish what those rules should be.

I'm sure I've related this to why so many people think there's some form of cosmic justice. That god will punish the people who get away with all the things they find deplorable. For those unconvinced by such voodoo, the responsibility to turn inward and slut-shame ourselves is an intricate dance. If you give up on yourself, if you lose an ideal, it can set your life in an entirely different direction. Good or bad, that's unfortunately up to you to decide.

So I keep hammering away at asking “what is it that we're getting from culture?” What are my take away lessons? If I can face next to zero consequences for little things like drunk on an empty stomach, what does that say about significantly bigger problems? What does that say about our willingness to engage with or punish the consequences wrought from corruption or pollution? What does it say for our capacity to recognize and ability to talk about how things are wrong?

I think this may speak to why I antagonize as well. I want to know what it takes. When is the breaking point? I already know that I can do next to nothing and get the shit beat out of me by a crazy person. What I don't know is how far your “polite and professional” (read: superficial) manner will extend to corrupt how we understand each other as friends or when you'll be motivated to act. Reading and talking only get some people some places some of the time. So then I take it upon myself to keep poking.

I think you want a form of punishment when you realize that the consequences of not having it spell a dramatically worse story. And I think it has to start at the interpersonal level. You get nowhere trying to heard masses of people and their ideas into uniformity. But you know your tribe. Or if you don't, you have a significantly better opportunity to try and get to know them before you think you can handle the politics and history of somewhere else.

It's just weird for me to feel like I have to pull it out of people. Like I have to make the landing soft when we're just discussing objectively bad things, in particular when they pertain to my behavior. Maybe I need to be angrier at myself about it than you, but you're still allowed to be angry. The whole idea is to have a more explicit and expressive dialogue afterward. Figure out how to do it better, if at all, the next time. Forgive and forget has never sat well with me, leaving aside inevitable lapses in memory. To burden yourself with a memory is not the same as holding a grudge. How do we go about making situations better if we lose the ideas of how they went wrong?

Meditation: The Four Stages of Learning
1. Unconscious incompetence.
2. Conscious incompetence.
3. Conscious competence.
4. Unconscious competence.