[380] Weighting Time

“You're gonna carry that weight.”

I need to get better at being silent. Of course, I'm going to do this by writing about how and why. It occurs to me how often it happens that I'm confronted with “utterly perplexing” assessments of my behavior and/or words. I know where they came from, but they are part of a larger air that I think I embody and forget the consequences of.

Each time I call myself jaded, I'm finding it carries that bigger message. It's hopped on and reinforced in peoples' heads. They think I can't be happy, or that I'm stuck being a furious ball of hatred or something. I forget that my “flat” descriptions of myself, in service to trying to find better language, have deeper resonances. It might be less me forgetting and more being unaware specific words went so far. Either way, I confuse people who frequently think I'm after a pep talk or advice.

Another example is every time I've been told “I'm afraid to let you meet my parents.” Overwhelmingly, parents have been fairly impressed or laughing with me. To my knowledge, I know of no parent who openly holds a grudge against me for what I've said or done. But, the larger, “Nick P. is the obnoxious one” idea is more than just a cliché label for the sake of organizing friends. The sentiment is about the same for “I couldn't imagine you babysitting,” “you wouldn't really be suited for this job” or “oh god! My friend so and so would definitely not get along with you.”

As it's projected out, it also sinks in. I talk myself up. I do things that I feel are big and representative. And I have an idea about a certain relative standard I'm haphazardly upholding. So things like dips in responsibility really resonate. Of course, being drunk and obnoxious and weirding people out once or twice a year might not sound like the biggest sin. But, I'm stuck thinking shit like that should never happen “for a guy like me.”

And that's wrong. Because I'm just a stupid human. I get anxious about not being anxious enough. That's pretty dumb.

What bugs me more is that I know how to adopt both sides of a coin. This dualistic or pluralistic perspective is the root of, the horribly named and understood as, “not caring.” I've had really good friendships that broke apart and were shit on and I really liked, and then moved on. I've started things and worked my hardest and been fucked in so and so many ways. And then did the complete opposite thing. I kind of exist in a void. I really do feel like I'm mostly watching. I'm aware of and “concerned” with the consequences, but having exercised too much time in life, I can kind of state that it doesn't matter like it “should.” Win or lose, you're stuck playing the game.

At this point, I can't tell if it's an erosion of ideas I've espoused about culture and culpability, or an overbearing sense of pragmatism.

What I do know, too well, is my capacity and potential. Those are what I morally negotiate with. What happens in the outside world talks to the different halves of that equation internally. Maybe stated more simply, I'm a product of the cultivated environment. It's vitally important I respect that environment. It's equally important I'm held accountable to that environment. It speaks to why I'm not allowed to shut up, even when I might do myself a favor in silence.

The problem with “be the change you want in the world” is that the things you feel, the changes internally that you're no-less being, and maybe want other people to emulate, are stuck inside. I created a party house where people could routinely get “obnoxious Nick P. drunk.” That atmosphere and mutual understanding made it a “good” or “acceptable” thing to do. Granted, I don't know what anyone else at the pool was thinking during my shit show, but I sincerely doubt it was the kind of shared understanding from back then. My overwhelming reaction to people's embarrassment is “eh, next.” Apparently, infrequent too-drunk me thinks everyone should afford themselves the same disposition about my folly.

“It's as big or small as you want to make it.”

So I like to make things into little stories. Little thought explorations. I think if the weight of “guilt” or “shame” gives you a voice about responsibility, then I'd say you made it just big enough. If for the subsequent 4 weekends that month you have similar embarrassing experiences, I'd say your ideas about it are a tad small.

Pretty sure I just made a solid case for drinking alone, heavily, and then not telling anyone about it.