[40] Purpose Driven Life

So I'm watching Rick Warren's talk on TED called Living a life of purpose. He believes that servitude is what people's lives are geared toward or engineered by god. I can empathize with this. I don't agree that it had to be god to make it so, but I do think its an important part in understanding on the route to self awareness. I just watched another talk about the backward understanding to show how evolution has created things with such a magnified purpose today. I simply cannot just throw out the idea that it isn't, at least in some sense, about you. It doesn't make sense to say how awesome you are and how much god likes to watch you live if its only about god. I can't grasp it. I want to live for someone else. At the same time I'd feel validated and happy because my evolutionary drive, which is inherently "me," was pushing towards the best mindset for self preservation. I think inherent self centeredness is not something to be ashamed of or looked down at, just something to be recognized. It doesn't take away from any expression of love. It doesn't invalidate any choice about the areas I choose to acknowledge as purposeful. Its just there. I really dislike when people say "you weren't an accident." When they say it, it implies that science is simply calling you an accident and therefore without purpose. It automatically presumes that a basis for existing based on fact and understanding is meaningless and propagated by some form of evil. You can have purpose and find meaning in life as a result of evolutionary process. You can say that the very fact you made it, are at the tip of the information age's ladder is the "reason" for you to exist. Warren goes on to talk about influence. How you should use yours for those that don't have as much. I don't really know what to think about this statement. It, to me, tends to reduce people he views as "lesser" to having less influence than the famous basketball players he talks to. In all actuality, despite the road being bumpy or not, to me, everyone has as much influence as they allow themselves. They can say something or impart an idea and it can randomly take off whether it was said by a basketball player or homeless guy. Obviously, the publicity will be one sided and the connections are in favor of the rich. The overlying idea stays the same. While you may have this drive to live for something else its not your charge to step in and profess it for anybody else. I wish more than anything I could be all I could be for ms. Dream girl, but no matter how crazy I make myself over the subject its not my job to use my influence, knowledge, or sense of self to impose over her my views on why I think we're meant to be. I just simply want to be because it just feels right and seems to make sense. Without religious views and pressures from other outside influences, I have faith that, we could just be. Exist together to find another purpose or greater sense of right that couldn't be realize apart. Living evolution. If its my charge as one of the best and brightest to perpetuate the evolutionary chain and provide for a promising future, you can bet I'll be the one to find someone so fitting its literally painful to think of settling for anything less.

It goes back to the arguments about what we can't explain. The voids that people want to fill with god because science hasn't gotten there yet, or may never get there. My "definition" or personification or embodiment what have you of "god" would be that undeniable and inexplicable force making you faithful in something. It doesn't have to be beyond all reason. It doesn't have to be in denial of other things. It doesn't have to be pre ordained and waiting for you. Perhaps you can't always perfectly reason and logically deduce you faith, but its still there. I'd hate to think that love is just a fundamental principal of evolution, and then again what if? Guess you'd have to understand a lot about the nature of evolution. Either way the point is, without faith altogether one can't seem to find purpose, not because they don't have faith in god. God then again because the excuse, crutch, for people too tired or ill informed to know how or where to look otherwise. So again, your faith doesn't reason or justify your convictions and beliefs it simply comes about because your born opinionated. Is that feeling in your gut a ball of residual fear propelling your "faith" or a driving force from something so right its diminished by mere definition?

[38] A Conversation With One Soldier For Christ Mike Fritzius

This is hard to read as-is. My responses are the () portions. I'll go through and bold them one day.

A "conversation" with One Michael (Soldier for Christ) F.

 I dunno if you read my blogs but i started to read yours. comments are
as follows: Why don't you seem to regard people who aren't Christians that exhibit
kindness, charity, patience, and perseverance as significant? It's obvious
> they've found something to make them attain such high quality whether
they choose to claim God as responsible or not yet they still aren't good
enough?

Because there's an overabundance of people who don't realize that their
motivations for having these qualities are selfish rather than God
glorifying. (first off, I know how selfish I can be, and I know the difference of what it feels like to be selfless) The idea of using the metaphor of being a servant for God
carries over to this: A slave doesn't feel like doing whatever they've
been tasked to do because it makes THEM feel good, rather it's what their
master demands of them.(Wait, so these soldiers of the faith that are supposed to be spreading the word and showing the paths are slaves now?) Christians are the same way, we do what we do
because it's all for God, not for ourselves.(Its what people say when they want to justify anything their not comfortable with, ehem the Inquisition)The idea comes from Matthew
7:21-23 which says:

"21 "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of
heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22
On that day many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your
name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your
name?'
23 And then will I declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from me, you
workers of lawlessness.'" (I guess people can't be good people just because it feels good and natural)(Again, perfect example of EVERYTHING being justified as long as you can blame God)

This along with the analogy of using fruit trees to describe faith and
works, and the idea in James 2 that "faith without works is dead" combines
into the concept that people who think they have it right because they're
"good people" are no better than people who are in open rebellion towards
God.(the claim doesn't define the action, and the works can express terrible things about the claim. Can anyone say persecuting homos?" It's almost like they're trying to fool God or work their way into
Heaven, and that's impossible. To use the fruit tree idea, if you have
some kind of regular tree, but glue a bunch of bright red apples all over
it (good works)... doesn't make it an apple tree. Likewise, if you have a
DEAD apple tree (dead faith), it doesn't produce any good works, even if
it's the right kind of tree (faith of SOME kind). Faith without works is a
dead faith. Works, however, do not create faith, but vice versa.(This is so stupid and confusing to me I don't really know what to say about it. God forbid he use real world examples to make sense and not convoluted analogies.)



> You refer to God's standards of designating whether one's a Christian or
not. I don't know how many times i can say it, NO ONE is talking to God.
The bible as his "word" is historically, factually, irrefutibly
incorrect
> in its wording, claims, and stories. And ITS NOT GOD'S FAULT. I really
suggest you read "Misquoting Jesus." and "The gospel of Judas" Man is man,
> man cannot trust man. To think any pastor, priest, layman, etc. is the
perfect guide to your happiness is a self esteem issue, not one of
salvation. To think the words are infallible and perfect is plain
denial.
> Its not an atheist or rebel attitude that says those things its just an
informed one.

I disagree that no one is talking to God.(Schizophrenics) I don't know how to approach
this paragraph since it's entirely structured on that statement(Which its not, that is one opinion, or fact, I offered, he chose to say otherwise and avoid what else was said), other
than the fact that making a statement like that is a core argument that
people have to disprove Christianity.(who's trying to disprove Christianity? I'm well aware its here and people are part of it. The only thing I disprove are people and their convictions, Not their God or their faith) I'm not sure how anybody can solidly
show that could be true, much like I can't solidly show that I'm right in
what I say either.(I can prove most if not all the claims I make, and what I can't I can bring up evidence supporting as "proof." He loves to say bullshit and call me incorrect and never provide why)

As far as the Bible being inaccurate, I'm sorry but so far, in as long as
I've heard that claim made, nobody has actually bitten into it enough to
give Christians reason to think the Bible is false. (The dumbest fucking thing he's said so far) An example would be
where you pointed out the verses before, verses which I'm sure have been
used many times to try and show that God contradicts Himself. (I explained that one already, he brought it up for no reason, even after I told him I was wrong) You've seen
that there's a lot more than what the collection of words says to be taken
into account to read it properly.(the is no "proper" way to read anything. Once it leaves the person it is completely in the hands of the interpreter. There is no such thing as a "perfect interpretation" is a complete fucking oxymoron)

I stay away from books that try and bring extra information to the Bible,
only because if the Bible really is inaccurate, then it can be shown using
only the Bible.(the new dumbest thing he's said so far) I'll give you a logical example: If we have a system of
statements that all together seem to make sense, like a book or
whatever... and then introduce something ELSE from outside that book that
contradicts something in the book, it doesn't mean that the new stuff is
actually part of the original system.(Its not about contradicting some claim, its showing factual evidence about the book itself. Like the dick through the wall example, it can say ANYTHING. Why it says what it says has nothing to do with contradicting what it says.)(This is also under the assumption that everything "makes sense" by whatever definition in the first place) All the time though, people assume
it is, (Maybe some people, but "I'm" the one talking to him" but all that ensues is that anybody who feels like it can make a
claim that something's untrue, and nobody questions it.(it's quite obvious I, as well as countless others, question "it.") This is exactly
what happened with the movie The DaVinci Code. I read the book but never
saw the movie, but all through the book I never took any of the "biblical"
stuff they said as fact. The Gospel of Thomas was written hundreds of
years after Thomas died--he didn't even write it. But people read the book
and saw the movie, and instead of checking the veracity of this rogue
gospel, they assumed that the Church was excerpting books they deemed to
be non-canonical.(I also read where the fiction sign was before I read the book, nor have I ever used it as an arguing point)

Also, I don't know if I gave you this impression, but really, salvation is
a trust issue between you and God. It doesn't come from any priest or
pastor saying you're saved, and there's no way to get in someone else's
head and compare the two. There are certain qualities that Christians
have, that can't be manufactured, that are clear indicators of true faith,
which I'll get to in another part. (Ya and when you fool yourself into anything, you'll subconsciously behave that way, go figure) again Schizophrenics)

> When I read about that woman who figured out she wasn't "saved" all i
could think was, great another person guilt tripped into following the
rules. If you ever have doubtful thoughts days "lacking of faith"
they're
> not wrong or ungodly, they're simply human. I don't know how, if we're
all
> God's creatures, an extension of Him, of His essence so on so forth, it
became such a terrible thing to simply exist.
>
> I sincerely hope all the metaphors for someone leading and guiding you
are
> just metaphors and not unexplainable movements and compulsions.
> (and unfortunately I don't think their just metaphors to this guy….how creepy could that get)
> The very fact that you asked the pastor if your were a Christian really
troubles me. Someone well aversed in the bible, a pinnacle example maybe
for his church, really had to ask someone else how they felt about
themself.(If there is a more glaring example how much of "yourself" can be lost than in this example I challenge you) If that happens in your own life how can you not see how
dangerous other "leaders" can be when faced with the same or other
difficult questions. Their actions will determine some course of action
for other "new believers."(perhaps, with evidence suggestion, them pushing a certain ideology or cause at any and every cost….in the name of God of course)

Well, I'll tell ya... It was kind of a weird week for me. I don't know
what in the world was going on but sometimes it happens.(NO shit, at least there's some hint your mind knows your human) Also, I tend to
be a little forgetful of what's happened in my life, and that can't be
explained except for the fact that God really was working in my life.(He can't define it so it just must be God, duh. What doesn't make sense about that?…..dumbass) It's
like having early alz heimer's or something.

But the reason I asked, is because of the saying "no man is an island". If
we separate ourselves from other believers, it's easy to spin off into
some wonky new ideology.(Creepy music and chanting of cult cult cult insues) So there are a few people that are very close,
people that I've shared things with that I trust and are very dear to me,
and the pastor is one of them--not because he's the leader of the church
but because he's really gone the extra mile on some things, for no reason
other than to make sure I'm feeling solid on stuff. I'm sure you're
familiar with the idea of "divide and conquer" as a good military
strategy--it's easier to destroy a group of people individually then take
them on all at once. The best way to avoid this is to surround yourself
with people who genuinely concerned about your spiritual welfare so that
everybody can protect each other.(thank you for the military lesson and the reason you can believe so well, everyone else is doing it and encouraging it, of course you feel comfortable and "right.")

And I do see how dangerous some leaders can be--there's also no shortage
of people out there who can effectively lead others astray because of
greed, or pride, or whatever. But I think the jump you're making here is:
If there are so many people that can steer others away from truth, how can
you be sure it's not happening now?(I fucking know its happening now, its called religion. He fucking assumed some random thing and asked a question that was at the basis of what I originally asked in the first place.) The answer is, that I'm sure because I
check what people say against the Bible, which is the truth against which
all Christians should check whatever people say.(of course, the "infallible." And I bet if I interpreted something to mean something different than he believed, and used it in an argument, guess who's interpretation would be "wrong.") At least in his mind…..

> Not to sound self righteous or indulgent but when you quoted the Galatians
passage its strikingly familiar to my ideal view of what love is and
compels you to do. Now this important fact aside, I didn't find anything
close to that by reading the bible and going to church, nor through
prayer. I don't think, to some degree at least, that essentially these are
> bad methods for finding yourself or getting good at the above traits,
but
> firsthand know they aren't always necessary or the best for job.
>
> There is a God within. You can fake anything that isn't actually you.
That's what the world is, reflecting fakers. Its the very denial of the
God within that compels one to act as such in the first place.
>
> (Him)"If you love the Lord, there's no way it's fake because we cannot love
Him
> through our own emotions--it comes as a direct result of Him first
loving
> us. So right there, if you do love Him, it's a pretty big evidence
toward
> you being a Christian."
>
> I don't understand what this means AT ALL. To me, its like you said, "We
can't fake love something because we don't have love in the first place
that isn't from something that we love....?" I guess I just really want to
> know what your personal definition of love is. Because i can't make hide
nor tails of if the "love" your referring to has any evidence it exists
for any reason other than you simply saying it does.

To answer that, I need to explain the difference between natural man and
someone who's genuinely been converted.

People, by their very nature, don't like being accountable to anyone, nor
do they like having someone in a higher position than they are.(Tell that to any Masochist)(and this claim is made after experiencing what its like to be everyone and after reading all the books he so deliberately shies away from) It can be
in varying degrees from a minor dislike to full-on rebellion. Take a look
anywhere in history, choose any government structure you like, and you'll
see this is the case. Any place there is a king or queen who is installed
for life, attempts on their life are made. Anyplace that has a president
that operates for a set amount of time, information warfare and smear
tactics are used to try and remove them. Anywhere a militaristic
dictatorship is in place, peasants rise up and try and overthrow them.(So because some people rebel the ONLY reason is because the power was there in the first place? NO. I BET THOSE POWERS HAD A CHARACTER FLAW OR TWO THAT CAUSED THE REBELLION……DUMBASS)
Anarchy doesn't even work, because eventually the strongest, richest or
smartest person gets to the top of the ladder, and is sniped off by
somebody else. Everyone, everywhere, prefers to be their own authority,
not having to answer to anyone, creating their own law and their own
truth. (He even ADMITS my main argument about the human condition right here)(this also doesn't mean that people don't agree with or empathize with any authority)But that also carries over into religion... because then the
question comes up, whose truth is truer? Whose is better? (NO ONES!!!!!!!!)

So let's take it a step further:(because the last paragraph was so in depth already) How do you feel about the most ultimate
authority, God, who has made rules and will actually punish those who
choose to disobey? (You can't answer such a question until you define what God means to you) Every argument has been made: (Completely blanket and plain ignorant statement, he's more than likely only fought with idiots and groups me into such. Also, I've never said ANY of these things to this guy---) There is no God, there
are many ways to God, there's no such thing as heaven or hell, God was
made by people who wanted to keep the "hoi polloi" in line, etc.

The natural man hates having authority over him... so where does the idea
of loving the most high authority even come from? (my guess, it came from someone who couldn't find love with something they viewed as "lesser.")( (why do you only love a "higher" authority, what the fuck is wrong with "just love.") The only way this is
possible is if that man has been changed somehow on a really basic
level--something about his nature is totally different. So, it goes back
to the simpler statement, if you truly love God, then you're a true
Christian. If you want to look at it with logical rules, consider it a
conditional statement: (you find the logic, I again, have no idea how to address this)

~C -> ~L If you're not a Christian, then you don't love God (All of this is only assumed and only by the assuming "Christian") (This guy does not see me as a Christian with the simple statement "I love God" if he did he wouldn't have to argue)(and some examples of what people call "Christian" are NOTHING of what I want to associate with if I "must be a Christian by loving God")
L But if you do love God
C Then you must be a Christian

or to say that being a Christian has the effect of having love for God.
That way, if you love God, it's because you're a Christian.

My definition of love is this: You commit yourself to serve and cherish
whatever you love, at any cost.(I almost agree with him here except for "at any cost" I want to believe it, and at first compulsion would, but there's so much danger in claiming that about anything under the vague cloud of what "love" means)

> I'm also intrigued on this concept of God working within the constraints
of time. He's outside of our realm no? He simply is, a sheer expression of
> will and perfection. What needs to be "finished"(In humans) in a sense that isn't
already there and simply yet to be realized?

We are constrained by time though, which is why I worded that the way I
did. Sorry for any confusion ;) It's strange, trying to conceptualize the
difference between a being that spans across ALL time, and us, who are
basically a blip and can only experience what we perceive to be the
present.(To me, there's infinite time and opportunity in the present moment. By perceiving and acknowledging what's going on "now" I acknowledge and express/love "God") To say that something needs to be finished, is just a human way
of expressing what's going on, that will be finished to us, in a span of
time that we experience.

> I guess i get a little disjointed too when i respond back to you within
the hour of reading something you send me and sitting back for weeks
essentially losing the memory of a point i was trying to make waiting.
Everyday hoping to find any actual responce to the myriad of questions i
ask about your specific views and life. Instead i tend to get basic
overviews of an idealogy that has to personal feeling behind it. Maybe i
was a bit unclear when i first started talking to you. I'm infinitely
more interested on what Michael Fritzius has to say about my questions and
> claims than Michael Fritzius's faith has to say. Otherwise i might as
well
> talk to any "Christian" that may think them self informed and helpful.
The
> insignificant "self" is only referred to as such when someone decided
their interpretation of something "divine" called it as such. I refuse to
> believe you can go your entire life as a "Christian" (at least his definition and perception) unless you start to
deny that your even alive. Go figure......

Again, I'm really sorry about that because today I was thinking, "Man, I
really need to respond to Nick before he thinks he's nailed me on
something." (I've nailed his ass more times than they have Jesus)Seeing this last email here got me started. Honestly, it's a
ton of stuff to respond to, but I find that when I just start typing,
things start coming out, and I get into a groove.(A lost and pointless argument making groove) Again, I've really
squandered my time lately and I'm truly sorry that I haven't gotten back
as quickly as I'd like.

But, as to my way of approaching your questions, I delibrately try to stay
away from talking about my personal take on things, simply because I've
been burned too many times by people saying "well that's your opinion" and
totally writing off what I just said.(Blanket assumption about what I would do with the information, maybe evidence he has a dumbass opinion) I'm really more interested in
showing you why I believe the way I do(Which I don't give a shit, I can't know why he does until I know where he's coming from, not the bible, I'm well aware already what that makes people do and think), not because I'm trying to be
general, but because I want to show you that this really is the
overarching truth about everything. My opinion is either going to make you
say the same thing about "well to each his own", unless I point to the
Bible to explain why I believe what I do. (Not true AT ALL the blue and red pen argument comes to mind. "my own" isn't my own, its what I've learned and relate to. NOTHING aside from ME is ME. If my opinion is retarded, the fact I have one doesn't make the opinion any less retarded)

> I don't want to denounce nice people in nice congregations who preach
nice
> ideas. I want to make people face themselves. I want people to use their
God given right to run the full coarse of their brains. I want heads to be
> talked in circles because you finally realize its not just that simple.

That's good, and I agree.(Lie, see previous bullshit) Churches in America are way too complacent
lately and full of people who think it's all about attendance(Didn't say a fucking thing about church attendance, nor do I care). And I hope
you don't think what I have is a blind belief(belief has to be fact based, faith is the only blindness), because it's crucial for
Christians to keep challenging theirselves. It's way too easy to take tiny
steps a little ways off from the original course and end up miles away
from the truth in a short amount of time.(Like the tiny steps that asshole took when he started treating someone so lovely like shit?) So yeah, use the brain, I agree.(I said, use the brain to its full coarse, not just enough to make yourself feel comfortable)

I
> think you owe it to yourself as a human being. You can't, and i believe
this sooo intently its insane, think that experience, trial and error,
and growth aren't worthy or significant if they aren't done with a
Christian
> badge on.

I do, if what I believe about why we're here is true.(And the only reason "you" believe it is because the bible says so….dumbass) If the whole reason
we're here is solely to glorify God(and that's a big if), and we fail at that, then it doesn't
matter what actions we've done. I'm trying to say, the focus isn't us, not
humans or existence or thought.(Don't focus on or with the brain God gave you, just awesome advice)

> No one is really a Christian (completely, or by his definition), not because it has bad rules, not because
it
> has bad ideas, not because its stories aren't witty or compelling. Its
simply because you can't outright deny that you matter right here and
right now. No one will fully embrace ANY ideology or path or set of
beliefs. People join Christianity for the same reasons they join
anything.
> Friends, family, fear, "love", happiness, admonishment of
responsibility.
> I mean all it takes is basic knowledge of the human condition to call
yourself a hypocrite in just about every situation you think you have an
opinion. Basically the reason i was sounding a little nihilistic in my
last correspondence...worked that out though ;).

What if there was a way that a person COULD deny that their lives here
don't have much meaning, that there's a more eternal goal in mind?(you could make them believe ANYTHING!!!!!!!) The
thing is, from your point of view there's no way this is possible, but
from mine, there is (O! you THINK people can make themselves not matter, but that thought doesn't matter? This is soooo fucking stupid) Unfortunately, I can't just pull it out of my pocket
and show you what I'm talking about, but it's also unwise to assume that
because you don't see anything, it's not there. (random idea, maybe bad stab at an argument? nothing to do with what I said)

>
> To me Jesus worked so well with what he taught because he did it as
himself. Whether he was empowered by God will never be confirmed, but on
the ground level he was just Jesus. He wasn't Paul's Jesus or Mark's Jesus
> or w/e else until they decided to interpret him. At that moment the very
essence and purity of whatever he tried to teach was irrevocably scarred
and changed. They weren't trying to be malicious or deceptive(maybe), but
> its just what happens when you attempt to understand anything that's not
You.

The reason you can see how Jesus lived His life is because of the gospels
written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John...(Wrong, all I can see is how they think he lived his life and what they chose to write as "true". I have their reactions and interpretations. I wasn't there to see his life and I can't make any claims about it" so if writing about it was how
you learned about Jesus but you don't trust that they wrote down
everything correctly then how can both of these be true? (Under the assumption that I learned anything from Jesus. I never said I learned anything I said he worked with what he had…….Dumbass) If what you're
saying is true, then the concept of Jesus could be way off compared to how
He actually was, right? (NO SHIT!)

There's another big point I wanted to hit in the previous email, about
saying that now more than ever the chances are great that they'll dig up
Jesus' body. But I'm gonna save that for the other email. For now I gotta
take off and go work but I'll definitely try and address the last email.(definitely made a HUGE metaphor, admitted metaphor, for the amount of information people have today to draw their opinions and nothing more) (he tries to blow it up later into something so stupid it has no merit by repeating here)

Take care,

[37] Break Me Off a Peace

So I'm reading the book "god is not Great" How religion poisons everything by Christopher Hitchens. I like this book. This is a book written by a learned man who has traveled all over the world and personally experienced the terrors that religion has had on it. This is an account of facts and history to explain humanity. He is a staunch atheist who only asks to be left alone in his belief and wonders why he can award such respect and they can't.

Religion is prejudice.

It breeds hatred and suffering. Perhaps as a result of (lacking) evolution. The more someone's beliefs come into question the louder they scream and the more damage they inflict. It's the "purest" form of aspects involving the human condition. Power corrupts when you afford yourself power. Peaceful and understanding people aren't peaceful and understanding because they stand on a higher pillar. I don't want to endure why its happening without knowing how to change something. Its just frustrating. Almost unbearable to watch and hear about so much death and destruction stemming from something so easily identifiable as power trips.

Way before I tried to attack someone's faith, before I tried to sympathize with their view, before read their teachings and considered their doctrines, before I tried to justify their actions I'd just want an honest answer about why they care so much about other people's beliefs. Why doesn't your faith in a perfect afterlife make you happy? In the parable with Jesus and Buddha is a great example of what Jesus is really offering. You get a sedative. Nothing more and most obvious for many much less. You can't speculate about worlds you haven't experienced. You almost can't even really think if you want to get into specifics about how your "conscious" mind really works. You sure as hell cannot be a judge.

Where is any peace…..a fleeting idea no longer valued as a powerful question.

It doesn't matter than fundamentally every religion needs to strive for it. Pick and choose what the words say to you and be like everyone else. Don't admit your wrong because that's weak. How can your God think of you as weak and allow you paradise? And who are all these heretics with their God thinking he's all high and mighty. I will smite him. I will kill, main, and die knowing I was the bigger and better man. As my one Christian friend likes to so popularly refer to me, ridiculous.

I think I know the problem. There is no shortage of thinkers and philosophers. Hundreds of books have been published. "Smart people" conferences are held and ideas are continually passed around. Who's our leader? Who is going to be radically passionate about peace just because? How does one become powerful in speech but still tread in the safe ground that doesn't emit personal bias against religion? Its admittedly a hard role to fill. Too soon would some "believer" try to blow him up or threaten his family. And then yet another glaring example of religious reaction to get noted, eye balled, and forgotten.

I want to be part of a movement. One that knows the divide and concur method. More maniacally referred to as "Satan's method."  A movement that seeks rationality and sanity from those who are not too badly poisoned. I feel like I owe it to life to "convert," in a sense, people into not calling different "evil." I'm not empowered by God to think that way. I would never want to kill or be violent, trying to force people to evolve. To call it a religion would be to pollute the cause.

I'd be wrong if I needed comments to keep writing. I only do it to understand myself more than anything. There's one feeling in the world I'd die for. It will never be a delusional euphoria from an adrenalin intoxication brought on in a heightened perception of my self righteousness and piety. If that seems a bit wordy its more commonly called love by the religious right.

[36] Microscope Effect

Do you know why I hate to argue? I'll tell you. When I argue I go after people's convictions by using facts about the known world and instances throughout world and personal history of basic human tendency and interaction. When people fight back they pull a maneuver called "pulling the God card." Whenever I ask a question that can't instantly be refuted by the bible God's name gets thrown into the rebuttal. They try to project my question onto their faith. Tempers may flare and random "what if's" get thrown into the equation and by the time we reach any sort of end, any intellectual stance that could've been taken has been obliterated. This again, only tells me you're not secure in your answer and therefore can't be secure in your faith. I keep saying it over and over.

I do not care in the slightest what you believe in. Your faith is justified by the same reasons mine is. I will never try to disprove your God or your beliefs as they are just as valid and significant as mine.

Unfortunately, people believe that having faith in their opinion allows that opinion more truth than it holds. Example. George Bush is the greatest thing to happen to the country. You can believe this with all the not-so-justified faith in the world. That doesn't mean it isn't a dumbass opinion.

The difference in beliefs is what you know about them. Give me a room of Christians and lets see how many of them think pagans were anything but sexual heathens, if they knew what a pagan was at all. Try to make someone believe the bible isn't infallible when it's the "inspired word of a God" that for whatever reason he allowed to get polluted by people who copied the text incorrectly and added things to back their ideals. Bring up the names Dionysus and Osyrus who laid claim to stories of a virgin birth, resurrection, miracles, and ascending to heaven long before the name Jesus was uttered. You are allowed the knowledge of evidence supported history to understand people just as quickly as you can assert something was divine. Is your version of God and a plan going to be justified denying the world of information?

Its important to know how our version of Christianity came to be. Its one thing to believe in the "original" inspired word of God. I can't argue against it, you can't factually argue any more for it. Unfortunately we do not have this original text. It is lost in the seas of time and may or may not be found. Since people love to pretend they know so many things about God I want to ask those people a question.

If the bible is the infallible inspired word of God and its meant to help guide people down the road to salvation why didn't God take any steps in the preservation of such important text?

A guess. He didn't inspire it. He didn't want to be associated with the Inquisition, Crusades, and Holocaust. He actually understands people cannot literally comprehend infinite love, infinite time, and infinite understanding and forgiveness by simply hearing and reading about them.

Again, INTERPRETATION: the mental representation of the meaning or significance of something. If that isn't simple enough then summed up….Your version of ANYTHING. For an interpretation to be right or wrong it can only be assumed. Taking historical evidence to back up the claim is smart, but it does not take away from the nature of interpretation. I find it coincidental that some passages of the bible, if not many, I can twist and "interpret" to fit in with my ideology without even having to think too hard about them. Anyone wonder why? Humans by nature will look at anything and automatically try to make it make sense to themselves. When your raised your entire life, being "taught" how to think and react, of course when you read something your going to "interpret it correctly" by the standards of the people who taught you how to look at it.

Here's the dangerous part. When you deny any doubt you feel about a passage you read. When you blame being thoughtful on the devil. I want to lay out a concept for you. Humans are not born inherently evil. Discuss.

Any "evil" is justified when the responsibility is projected onto something else. When people also don't recognize that it was actually them feeling actual love and performing actual good deeds they start to kill their self esteem and self worth. YOU. God's greatest creation doesn't want to think or believe your capable of good deeds without a greater motivation. Adam and Eve are a perfect example of this projected responsibility. They fuck up and now its your fault. When such a story comes from the "infallible learning device" no wonder its easy to believe your this evil incarnate that needs to be saved from the ever present and inevitable death. No one asks why God allowed a devil serpent into the garden in the first place.

Blanket statement: Everyone has gut feelings. Here's the thing. There is a difference, a discernible difference, in having gut instinctual feelings and being emotional.

I follow my gut instinct. I don't justify it by anything other than my actions. You can believe it is wrong or misguided and that will never allow me the liberty to change it. I can try to believe it is wrong or misguided and that will never allow me the liberty to change it. This is why I consider myself significant. This is why I think any expression of love is significant. I can't come to conclusions about myself until I get over my initial emotions about myself and what I'm presented with. When you get automatically defensive or angry whenever the subject of religion comes up, you may as well not speak.

 It is perhaps a safe assumption that your reaction with "the truth" is not your expression of actual truth.

Blanket statement: People are entertained by the wrong, different, new, and taboo.

Any "good" person who laughs at someone getting hurt after falling down is the basic example of the claim. Of course, not everyone will agree with your position to laugh. Difference of opinion though does not discount the significance of the other peoples' perceptions. Let's take it a step further. People who get controlled by such character traits. With my view, people aren't inherently evil. No baby is born looking to kill someone or itself. Religion, particularly Christianity, provides a scapegoat. And it works both ways for people who want to think themselves selfish or self righteous. You can kill or be martyred in the name of God, and when someone is killed the killer was corrupted by the devil or it was God's plan. When you feel responsible for your hatred and actions you essentially guilt trip yourself into reform. The case doesn't always have to be that extreme. Staying in a bad "Christian" relationship for example…..ya never mind not even gonna start……..Side note. Mental disorders, which today is too broad a category to associate blame, are the exception to such an idea.

Another unfortunate: I think when you allow yourself to become exhausted by thinking about and hoping for that which you can't understand, perceive, and ultimately embrace it becomes a catalyst for sending you into a place of self destruction. Because once the promising potential is polluted, who can blame you?

Broken record effect: Taking it down and bringing it real personal. My gut feeling will always tell me more than what I put in these blogs. My gut feeling tells me that finding and making real connections with real people is the utmost important. My gut feeling cannot deny love and logic and the belief that they can coincide to be the most pure and telling of the nature from the God within. Acknowledging the immanent moment. If you can't use the God given brain to find real truth behind the reasons you say and think the things you do, to me, you lose, or at least hamper, your ability to perceive what "God" is telling you.

[35] Jesus Vs. Buddah

Definitely didn't write this but it explains my position so well

Jesus & Buddha

Brett Schopen

Western Traditions 201

10/29/94

Disciple?:  I have heard that you are two of the wisest men in the land and so I

have come to you in hopes of advise. I am scared for my future and for the

future of my newborn             daughter.  Can you tell me what is in store for us or

give me an assurance me that we             will be all right? Jesus:  Do not worry

about your life. Do not worry about food, drink, the body.  Life is more than

these things. Believe in your heavenly Father.  He knows what you need and will

provide you with it if you practice and have faith in his teachings. Strive for

the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be given to

you as well. Buddha:  No. Comfort in the present and future must come from

inside the self , not from             a God.  In meditation you will find the truth of

life that will set you free from worry.

                                    Don't chase after the past,

                                    Don't seek the future;

                                    The past is gone

                                    The future hasn't come

                                    But see clearly on the spot

                                    That object which is now,

                                    While finding and living in

                                    A still, unmoving state of mind.

            This focus on the present is the beginning of the path to enlightenment

which is comfort             through understanding.  When you are able to keep your

mind focused on the present             in a 'still, unmoving state of mind' you have

reached enlightenment, where you will be beyond all emotion including

suffering and worry.

Jesus:  That is not so.  A search for the entire true of life can never make you

content in             your life because you can never know everything there is.  That

is for God alone to know.  To enter the kingdom of heaven you must have

faith in our Father.  You must trust in His wisdom even in hard times.

For to know all and understand all you  would be a god.  And putting

yourself on a platform with God is disrespectful and             blasphemous.  But if you

follow His laws your suffering will end in the hereafter.

Buddha:  Truth is available to all people not just gods.  For truth is in all

things in the             universe.  We only have to learn not to react with emotion to

see it.  If you can master             not reacting through meditation you will see the

true nature of the universe that lies             behind the illusion of emotion.  In this

truth you will see the cause and effect  relationship of all things and

in that an order which will bring you understanding and comfort.

Disciple?:  What are the truths and teachings you speak of?

Jesus:  In everything do to others as you would have them do to you.   Always

live by this rule and respect your Father and you will one day be

allowed to walk beside Him in the kingdom of heaven.

Buddha:  In this we do not much differ.  The most fundamental truth is to have

compassion for all creatures. Without this you can never end suffering .

"If a man foolishly does me wrong, I will return to him the protection of

my ungrudging love.  In             trying to cause another anguish you only hurt

yourself.  A wicked man who spits at heaven spoils not the heaven, but

defiles himself when the spittle comes back on him."

Disciple?:  But how can I know who is right?

Jesus:  You can know I speak the truth because I am our Father's Son and I carry

his        word.  "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of

heaven.  Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.  Blessed

are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be

filled.  Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see             God."

Disciple?:  That seems fair. But if I believe in God I cannot be saved because I

have already gone against these without even knowing it.

Jesus:  You can still be saved my son. For I am the Son of God and I am here to

heal you             and absolve your sins.

Disciple?:  You even have the power to cleanse my rotted leg?

Jesus: Yes I do. Be made clean!

Disciple?:  OH MY?!  My eyes deceive my mind!  How can this be?!?

Jesus:  The power of God my son.

Buddha:  My dear boy do you not see that no matter what power he might have he

cannot truly free you from suffering?  In your reaction to his healing

you started again the cycle that leads to suffering but he leaves you no way

to end it.  Suffering is "any craving that is unsatisfied."   If you are never

allowed to find out how this can be, because you can't question, you will

always suffer from your desire.  To destroy this suffering you must free

the self from the thirst of desire.  But you can never do that if you're

eyes are fighting with your mind, if you are fighting with yourself.  There is

an eight fold path which leads to the destruction of  sorrow.  Right

understanding 1 and thought 2, that lead to wisdom. Right speech 3, action 4,

and livelihood 5, that lead to  morality.  Right effort 6, mindfulness 7, and

concentration 8, that lead to concentration.  But accepting his power on faith

as unexplainable keeps you from the first step on the        path, understanding.  As

does reacting favorably to the laws he states because they  "seem" fair.  If

you react to them as fair and take them as true because "He" says so, you give

up your power to be enlightened in your search for the truth.  Without that to

 end your suffering you will go to his heaven with your desires numbed or

constantly filled, but never quenched, and you will never truly be happy

Disciple?:  I am still thoroughly confused. Is there no definite answer!?

Buddha:  Not that we can give you.  It is a question of faith in what could be

or proof in what is.

Jesus:  Whether you trust in yourself or in the Almighty.

Buddha:  Whether you think comfort comes from the process of learning or simply

having the answer.

Jesus:  It is a question of right and wrong.

Buddha:  It is a question of what you know in your heart of hearts.

Disciple?: Thank you Jesus and Buddha.  Although I am still deeply confused I

know that only I have the answer. So I will be off to find out who and

what, I believe.

[34] Disturbing Movies And Ignored Questions

For the record, I try to stay away from blanket statements like "Christianity is the worlds biggest cult."

I'm watching Jesus Camp as we speak. Again, something that shocks the shit out of me so badly that my chest starts to hurt and my stomach sink. There is nothing more sad to me than seeing all these people literally being brainwashed. I mean going after kids? That's basically sick. Since when did being evolved from animals mean that we don't have a purpose in life? How does that mean we can't love without Jesus? The world knew NO love before the bible was written? Bullshit.

I want every "true" Christian to pray in a collective effort against me. Just to see what happens. Of course that wouldn't mean anything. When I told them nothing happened I'm a liar compelled by the devil. This camp teaches kids to die for what they don't understand. I don't care what you think you have faith in, a faith misunderstood is a faith unworthy.

Radical and passionate used in the same sentence to describe yourself is insane. I've come to a pretty hard understanding. You can't use logic and reason to fight with radical and passionate. Those two things are mental inhibitors in that persons mind. You can't get past them until they do.

This woman, who's the leader of the camp, goes on a rant about Harry fucking Potter. I fictional character who's this demon wizard boy against God. Says he would be put to death if he were real. Let me put this as plainly as I can

HOW DOES A PERFECTLY LOVING, FORGIVING, AND UNDERSTANDING GOD LEAVE ROOM FOR WAR, HATRED, AND JUDGEMENTS OF ANYONE? HOW ARE YOU A FUCKING JUDGE FOR GOD?

This next section is just going to be questions. Open ended, and hopefully going to help me organize an interview with a few pastors I want to talk with.

God's perfection created the world and people in his image and yet the people, who are born uninfluenced atheists, are automatically stained with sin and damned to hell or purgatory because they haven't accepted Jesus as their savior?

To preach the messages of love and peace we need to create more soldiers for Christ?

The only way to be taken seriously about what you believe is die in the name of it?

There are two kinds of love? Mine isn't worthy why?

What is so bad about being wrong? Just a little too human for you?

Did you know being born of a virgin, nailed to a cross, and rising from the dead is not the first time the story was told?

What do you believe is the most powerful thing controlling humanity, laziness or fear?

Why do people think that saying God created everything in 7 days EXPLAINS ANYTHING? Nothing makes that claim different from ANY claim about ANY thing.

What does God sound like, describe his voice. Loud? Deep?

What do you say about the Gospels of Mary Magdelan (sp?) and Judas? Have you even read them? Better yet, even heard of them?

Why can't you realize what man writing the bible says about the bible? Who's saying God can fuck up? Not me. Who's saying men fuck up. EVERYONE.

Why do we need to "saved" from death? It was bound to happen the second you shot out of you dad's ball sack. It will happen to everyone and everything. Who's saving my dog?

I guess that's one of those wrong kinds of love right?

What do you think would happen if people stopped focusing on how loud they can scream Jesus's name and started focusing on just living and loving? What would the impact of John Doe have on the world instead of "John Doe's faith?"

Don't you find it intriguing that spooky scientists don't cause wars? Neither do Atheists, or Taoists, or Buddhists. All of them teach something different from you, they love and live, and aren't dieing or persecuting because they think your different.

Why would God create you with a brain if you weren't supposed to use it? Why do you need to be told how to think, feel, and speak? Did you ever a day in your life tell yourself you are bad for thinking before you became a "Christian?"

Why don't you think heaven was good enough for the devil? Why do you think God lets the devil tempt you? Is it a game? Does God want you to live in heaven so badly that he gives you flaws and a supernatural demon beast to toy with you? I bet that makes perfect awesome heaven taste that much sweeter ..even though its already perfect…and sweet….

Isn't the devil just a scapegoat for responsibility? When you don't know how to handle something you blame someone else. Basic human rule of nature. Ask any kid who's lied about a broken window. What's stops all the "old kids" in the world from holding true to that same law? How hard is it to make people believe in something that's responsible for making them be "bad" people? How good do people want to make themselves look before they stop trying?

What are you doing to stop all the "wrongs" ,as you so view them, that are being committed by people claiming to be Christian. All the preaching and ministering is obviously working wonders, but you got any more ideas?

Why do you believe I could be "more scared," in a sense, of what a radically passionate Christian is going to do to this nation, than any scientist?

What kind of message does it send about God when gay hater Ted Haggart turned out to be gay? At least the God of his church.

What's wrong with finding the God within? How can one damn to hell the very virtues at the top of the Christian ladder just because they weren't interpreted in the same? Don't you realize that's what interpret means? No two ways completely alike.

[33] One Hell Of A Fight Club

So I just saw Fight club. The whole schizoid thing sparked something. Look at your friends. Your best friends. Who are they? They are you. At least part of you. This isn't deep thinking or anything but I find it so intriguing when I think about the 5 or so people I call actual friends. I even tend to act like the personality trait I attribute to them when I'm around them. That's basically weird. This goes back to finding ways to live through your inadequacies. Damn. I don't know if I like realizing that. One more way to lose a sense of self. Fuck. Hmm so lets diagram this.

1.  Angry, Talkative, Thoughtful, Proud
2. Dramatic, Sympathetic, Irrational
3. Indifferent, Horny, Experimental, Trustworthy

The other few that stick in there are some extension of the above only directed towards different specifics. Ten buck says that if/when they read this it will be too easy to tell I'm talking about them. And most of those can float in and out between them all. Overwhelmingly I gravitate towards people who think and that I can trust. Duh. So then wait….

Selflessness, Spirituality, Beauty

And now it becomes simpler. But even still. I know plenty of people like that don't I? Or maybe their just trying to hard. Or the fact that they're trying period. Not so much about embodiment but instead preservation, proliferation. Striving to embody balance? Then its how badly does/has a disruption affect/ed you? That smidgen of yin you have that keeps the yang from doing something stupid? (if you've ever read into that kind of stuff). According to the few charts I've just read it appears I have little yin.

Prognosis: The force that drives one to preserve the balance of one's inner chi(?) is most compelling. The question. What, if anything, does it say about the compulsion of love? Projected manifestation of your own desire? Quite depressing if so. Better question. Is the balance held in the head resulting of subconscious thought and observation, or at the root of the heart?

If the heart is inherently pure than it worries not of being thrown out of balance. Implying the head, which perhaps frequently can't be trusted. Thus where the standoff between heart and head takes anchor. Then why do some move so voracious with either or? Both present and compelling, inability to be ignored. Talk about disorder.

It wasn't Mr. Norton's mind that pulled the trigger.

[32] I Just Wish I Knew How To Draw

God: Wow, that was a pretty violent death there Tyrone. I mean 14 caps in dat ass and you took it like a stone cold nigga.

Tyrone: What? I was part of a gang, my life was filled with hate and violence. (wearing diamond incrusted cross)

God: And lemme tell ya, it makes for great HD, or heavenly divine, tv.

Tyrone: But God, I read that all the sex, drugs, and violence was gonna get me on the highway to Hell.

God: Read what? What are you….. O My Self! Saaaataaan!

::God glances down the road to see Satan bent over laughing::

God: Satan, did you send that crap story about your starter race and call it my word again?

Satan: (grinning) maybe….

God: Dude, its getting childish, this is the 5^th time you've screwed with one of my creations.

Tyrone: I'm getting confused.

God: I know man, its cool, this doosh over here can't grow up.

Satan: What's wrong with a little fun? I mean come on, what's better than hearing "Oh, I love Jesus. He's my savior. I know God. God hates fags and abortion. Blah blah blah" and then 2 seconds later they cheat on their wife, scream God damnit, and conspire about EVERYONE that doesn't seem to "get it" like they do.

God: You know just as well as I do we all have to start somewhere, making it that much more confusing is why we have so much damn work to do in processing. You'd think they were Mexican with so many coming in at one time.

Tyrone: So you mean all the bible stuff isn't right? My faith that the words were holy and righteous means nothing?

God: Well, let me put it to you like this. The headline in today's paper is really gonna read, "God created another race, shaped the cosmos, and redefines the soul…… and by the way you should check out his new book." Not to mention, technically your all my kids, what do you think Jesus has that you don't?

Tyrone: (puzzled) Damn. So then what's good and bad? What love can we trust?

God: Do you like being told what to do, think, and say?

Tyrone: Hell naw

God: Would some dirty Blood ever be able to convince you that your mama's dying and you can trust him to look after your turf?

Tyrone: Ok, now you playin with me dawg.

God: Well if you can't trust them with your turf and mama, how can you trust someone with your knowledge about Me?

Tyrone: Well see that's different man, If my brother came to me and said moms was sick, I'd go and check.

Satan: Even if I had been a little bored the night before and decided to plant seeds of a double cross in your bro's head? Good news (gay happy clap)

Tyrone: Well no.

God and Satan: So how would you know?

Jesus: Hey guys, what's goin down?

Satan: Not me…

God: We're seeing how Tyrone here can tell between me and Satan.

Jesus: Sweet, so what's the word turd?

Tyrone: I mean I grew up with him, he ain't crazy. We tighter than a virgin. Once when we was kids he lied to my pops fo a week about who busted are bedroom window so I wouldn't get my ass beat. I dunno man, I can just kinda feel him in my stomach you know?

Jesus: Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner. What does he win Goddy?

God: Umm i dunno, whatever he wants? this is Heaven right?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Son: Daddy, why do we have war?

Dad: Well son, some people hear God and he tells them to start one.

Son: But what about the bible?

Dad: What about it? Who kills more than God, ever read the Old Testament?

Son: Daddy you know I can't read yet.

Dad: I know, I know, good thing you have me to say what it means to you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mark: Hey John, did you know Franklin once said "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome."?

John: Really? Deep.

Mark: I know right, puts a whole new spin on praying.

John: Now I know some people who's lives have been enriched and changed by prayer.

Mark: Your probably right, but you should see all the books written on denial.

[31] Preamble

Well it happens, I read something and feel compelled to just type something. Instead of a major headache hear she goes…..

So I finished reading "Misquoting Jesus" and basically don't see how there is any credibility in any stretch of the New Testament. The whole thing about man writing the bible and are able to put whatever they want into it takes on a whole new meaning. I also started reading "The Will to Power" and that provides sooo many insightful reasons as to why people adhere to religion in the first place. I find that my current and difficult mood of almost overwhelming apathy and distrust may just be the beginning of what could prove to be true enlightenment. I find it too coincidental that Nietzsche brought up the idea of unending occurrence and living (in some way) over and over with no real attached meaning. Hearing this stuff and understanding the human condition only seems to weigh on my heart that much more. Is love to be confused or understood as an expression of the will for power? Is every feeling brought on from a state of exhaustion because it is self destructive and against natural tendency to think outside the herd? I mean religion makes sense that way….if this damn bird doesn't stop landing on my window…..(distracted)….. When you start to think against that which empowers and preserves you its easy to get defensive. You want to deny this life, deny the actuality of your real and right now existence. You react instead of express. Its why I jumped that layman's shit when he prayed that this life isn't the important one and shouldn't be so heavily focused on while his religion tells him its important for worship and spreading the "Word." It even needed a sacrifice of this petty flesh and blood for salvation.

I think there's just too much I want to say right now and can't really make sense of it. Nietzsche writes in that old way that had to be then translated so all this crap I can read, get the gist of it, but not really fully digest it for what its fully saying. I did write down a few lines though that I couldn't stop myself from repeating over and over in my head.

"What convinces in not necessarily true, it is merely convincing"

"One chooses in fact that which hastens exhaustion"

"Mortification of the self, pity, even the negation of life. All these are values of the exhausted."

I really connect with and understand the last two because of my own experience. I really am tired of thinking. I once wanted to settle on Christianity. I'd like to settle on something stupid like alcohol. But it's not that simple and those are traits and characteristics of the weak. You get depressed and pessimistic which according to Nietzsche leads to Nihilism or "nothingness." And it all makes sense and I can relate, but I don't feel like it stops there. 

I want to sympathize and attack religion at the same time. I see what it does and then I really see what's its doing. I just wish the people that were so consumed by it, the ones who are (by societies right) the moral superior and enlightened would see the futility and at the same time the potential. They are the ones making the decision, they are instilling and preserving the "rules" and "right" not God. That their expression of their will to power is the same as everyone's' in its pre-distinction and direction. If God went so far as to "inspire" the words of the bible that tell you how to trap your life, why didn't he put any effort into preserving and safeguarding them from a careless scribe. Its not anti-God to say he didn't inspire them in the first place its common fucking sense.

The concept of wholeness. I feel like I can't be "whole" until everyone "finds the God within." I think there has to be some collective effort to get back on the track of evolution where people are forced to better themselves or they can no longer exist. I feel like all the "virtues" and goals of life mean nothing. They lead nowhere without the real knowledge of how to appreciate them. In other words it doesn't mean shit that you say you love God or have faith if you can't recognize, or worse, outright deny what's staring you in the face.

I think decision in itself could be the purpose for existence. Just deciding. Waking up each day and deciding it's a good idea to love and take care of a family. Settling on the notion that knowledge is right. Then it becomes baffling why others can't reach the same assessment. Why heaven is more important than pursuing the love that they think they're getting from "God" and are instead engineering a sedative that pushes or negates instinct.  People didn't just lose a sense of self only because of fear. Futility reared its ugly head as well.

I don't want to attack peoples' faith. My aim is at convictions. I wouldn't be alive without faith that there was something more. Without a feeling that I can influence something or someone to such a degree that it would justify life and allow me to be living proof of "purpose."

My ideals are swallowed in the never ending age of decadence.