[407] Public Service Announcement

I want this blog to be about what I'm not saying.

I'm going to harp on a constant theme. Let's run with the idea that I'm a “relative sociopath.” This does not mean I don't care about people. This does not mean I can't experience emotion. This does not mean I am indifferent to your circumstances.

I need to just explain what I did tonight that makes me, sort of, fuck everything up. Tonight I made people like me. I was endearing. I was “smart.” I made the young gentlemen around me feel as if what I said could give them a reason to get off their depression medication and believe in something again.

I know what you hope for. I know how to talk to the disenfranchised well-wishing person who thinks the world can change. I don't know how much I believe in what I'm saying and what I”m doing for their belief in what I'm saying.

In all seriousness, it's really hard to explain where I'm coming from.

I do things. And really, that's how they register.

I don't mean to be a liar or anything when I say that I like you. I don't mean to feel like what we talk about almost certainly becomes cliché and superficial. But I'm wrong.

I will never escape my “distance” from how I relate to people. Whether it manifests as awkward, cold, or capitulating, I can't stop watching. I want “real” feelings and connections. I want to believe in something “more.” But I can't.

I'd say this makes me sad, but it would be another lie. Please understand that you are of a particular sort in remaining my friend.