I think I'm over responsibility. That sounds weird and very incomplete. But when I reflect on how being or feeling responsible for things affects my disposition and circumstances, I'm struggling to figure out why I ever thought it was a good thing.
Certainly my environment didn't teach it to me. I could point to ten situations at random and depict a scapegoat parade. I see people feel guilty and sorry for themselves, sure. Everyone's aware of how hard they tried or values their contribution. It's not that they're aggressive, you made me defend myself! It's not their oversight, I trusted you to get it right! They can't recognize a chance to help, it's not even my job!
I get played like a fool. And if it walks and quacks like a fool...
I was the 16 year old who was all gung-ho about entrepreneurship who was still sold on a pyramid scheme by a fellow Target employee. Not that I'd heard of pyramid schemes at this point, but “someone like me” should still have avoided blowing that $50 on signing up, no?
When I was running the party house, I've already complained about being responsible for “everything" there, in that if it's broken I'm likely paying for it, if you forgot to lock your door, it's my fault for not locking your door, or if you smoke out my kitchen and leave a bong pineapple massacre on the counter, of course I'll be in shortly to pick it up.
You're definitely on your own in business. Good luck figuring out legalese in a contract finding money with your excellent credit history and collateral just out of college. Can't afford a lawyer? Fool, these laws weren't designed to protect you or keep you in business.
I stress, I'm seeking to make a point, not belabor a pity party. Asking for responsibility begets you way more than you bargain for.
The worst part is not getting fucked. I already expect all the stupid shit to be stupid shit regardless of whether or not I'm the one engaging with it. The worst part is when other people believe in you and help you. Because now you're letting them down. Now you look like a persistent crazy person who's playing on sympathies or has just managed to become a really good bullshitter. And I am a really good bullshitter. Do I expect the people who help me to make the distinction?
Yeah, signing up for a pyramid scheme is stupid unless you explicitly seek to exploit the naivety and inexperience that got me. But you know who took the catalog to work with him to help me start hocking some energy drink? My dad.
Sure, running a business is expensive and a pain in the ass and you'll get fucked for years before you get lucky and fuck with something that breaks through. You know what makes it less hard? When someone dips into their savings to help you, like my dad did.
He helped me stock the party house with the furniture and everything we'd need to get by. It's been friends who helped me put together the kiosk, clean up after fuck head stoners, or make 15 garbage runs when all the shit left in the house was placed at “my” feet.
I don't feel like I matter to anything anymore. I'm not saying there aren't people who don't care about me or who I can't rely on. I've just been reduced to “shining” at house parties or stumbling into one distraction or fuck up that rarely makes for a noble or interesting story.
I haven't been able to live up to the examples set by my dad and grandma. I've never had their patience, their genuine concern, their “faith.” And because it feels like they're the kind of people who would take care of the whole world, I got infected with that idea and have done what with it?
