I need to feel better about leaving for
a week. I think I'll get there by the end.
So much of myself seems to exist in contradiction. I'm dead inside, then I'm overly elated with a trend or mood. I'm the nicest guy who even blacked out says sweet endearing things, then I'm the meanest person I know. The confusing part is that they all feel as “real” or as “me” equally. There never feels like an appropriate place to be one over the other, I just sort of take it in stride and come up with probably too many words to justify.
So much of myself seems to exist in contradiction. I'm dead inside, then I'm overly elated with a trend or mood. I'm the nicest guy who even blacked out says sweet endearing things, then I'm the meanest person I know. The confusing part is that they all feel as “real” or as “me” equally. There never feels like an appropriate place to be one over the other, I just sort of take it in stride and come up with probably too many words to justify.
It's extremely hard
to be vulnerable, for example. However you conceive of vulnerability,
I guess. It's one thing to wear an aspect of your life on your
sleeve, entirely another when you feel like someone you respect or
care about is checking out your style. The tension of trying to
figure out if your personalities are “compatible” can be
palpable. It's been an investment in your sense of self, after all.
To what degree should this person be allowed to tinker with it?
One of my biggest
issues is that I genuinely don't like hope. I've been reminded that
I've made such a sentiment in the past, but it feels louder at the
moment. I don't want to believe people like me. I don't want to look
too forward into hanging out or getting into a good conversation. And
it's not like it's because “things won't live up to the dream”
type of bullshit. It's just that it inevitably seems to change for
spectacularly bad reasons.
That's
where you learn detachment. That's how you forget best friends. It's
why I feel myself ever compelled toward perfect moments
or vibes and similar personalities, and have practically zero
patience for those not on board. It almost feels like you've stolen
something when it goes right. Like you're caught up in something so
infinitely fleeting,
trying to call it “special” feels cheap. And if/when you can
create those moments, you've maybe done something that matters.
I find
it damn near impossible to keep at it in the world as it stands. So I
need to create my own and send out invitations. It'll presumably be
easier to do that “losing” 6 days now.
