[349] Giggity God Damn

Let's talk a little more about my god complex.

I act out of utility. This even more so that I gave up on letting people play their lives out like they saw fit. In order to behave as such, I need to see that things follow. Whether you're following a pattern of thought, or I'm carrying out a pattern of behavior that you behave in a certain way towards. Playing “god” is about evidence. Ego is weak. I don't merely believe anything about myself I can't bring to fruition. It's one of my favorite things about me.

It's why conversations need to be said, and re-said, and re-said again and again. I only make sense in the ongoing movement. The moment I lean towards a definition, I know I need to move past it and change something. This isn't a familiar ground for most people, as far as I can tell. This makes me sound at best petty, at worst, completely fucking insane.

I've stated before that I don't want praise for that which is simple. The “biggest most significant” things I think I'll achieve in life will speak to what I conceive of as simple. The world as it is let's the banal, meaningless, and empty look like triumphs of the human spirit and ingenuity. If no one else is willing to shit on these hopeless conceptions, I'm happy to shit upon myself. My world does not make sense from anything less than that which trumps a conceited plain.

At bottom, I wish it seemed as simple to most people as it does me. I've said that the more I talk to people, the more I give up. The harder it is to believe in anything. I, somehow, came out of this life thing with the ability to choose things people are unable to conceive of themselves as capable of. And all I'm left with is confusion. I'm left to roost on the idea that the whole of humanity could be crippled by the sheer inability to recognize the difference between two things. Sometimes it feels so absurd that to try and put words to it only seems to denigrate what one could conceive of injustice, but worse.

I think you reach a point past circumstance. As far as I can tell, being a tall white male who doesn't look like Shrek has it's advantages, but I know plenty of people with the same things that I would put down like rabid dogs. I thought that the whole “becoming an adult” thing was about handling business and making decisions that, theoretically, made sense for the continuation of this whole working world thing. I just don't believe it. I literally think everyone is shit. And now I just feel bad.

In a way, I love that talking, or bitching, here is selfish. I like to feel better shitting on everything and crossing my fingers that someone, somewhere, might change or enact some big thing based on my words, while realistically thinking I'm a screaming into the ether. I don't have faith. I don't hope. I just do. I know that as long as I'm doing, very little else seems to matter. Let's trust that what I choose to do actually matters, right?