Sometimes I think people can only count to one. As if every moment
exists in a vacuum. It's one thing to know nothing about history in
general and stumble through to the future. It's entirely another to
ignore the fingers on your own hands.
One thing I'm perpetually confused about is when someone tells me
“I don't believe that” when I say something true. More so, when I
qualify it and say “which has been my experience thus far” or
“what I've consistently heard across any number of instances.” My
thought is that they don't believe me because they think I'm trying
to sell them something they think can be obtained for free. Surely,
there are as many ways to happiness or contentment as there are
people, but it doesn't make what seems to make sense, most of the
time, any less true. Not what you remember most, not what “feels
the most,” just what adds up to the most.
Like, the easiest example I could talk about would be my crazy ass
mother. There's a distinctive way that I go about “handling” her
that my brother doesn't. After years of not talking, actively
degrading her, and finally provoking a restraining order, I no longer
have the stress and drama of dealing with my mother. It's 100/1 easy
negative to positive things I could say or reflect upon thinking
about her. Please save cliches about “but it's your mother!” for
someone who's planning to blame their children for existing.
My brother is different. He kept going back for Christmas. He kept
calling her and letting her into his life. He tried to stay with her
when he had an internship in Indy. Throughout it all, he's lost
money, been actively degraded and judged, come back time and time
again to what seems like the brink of disassociating. He's, in my
view, arguably causing more harm than good because he can't count.
Now what if we counted all the bad feelings, of everyone
everywhere, who've done something we're about to do? There might even
be statistics on the matter! Exciting. The idea isn't that you should
live your life according what seems likely, but perhaps better
appreciate why the numbers look the way they do. I have nothing to
gain in trying to persuade you of anything you hold so dear, but the
chance to converse more eloquently. My argument centers on honesty,
very little stress, and an arguably more positive thought pattern.
Where's the kick to regard these as terribly wrong guidelines come
from? Cliches should make you stop and think, not bust out the polish
for a comfort zone bubble.
What if we counted and listed and categorized everyone we knew?
Pro tip, I'd argue that we already do, facebook just doesn't have
enough data for a pretty algorithm. But what if it was more concrete,
like a scoring system on a big white board that everyone you
interacted with could check in with daily to see how they rank in
your life. How much of your dialogue would you have to change to
accurately reflect what someone means to your life? How many
pleasantries and excuses and abuses could you no longer pursue? What
if the best people, with the best advice, netted you cash? What if
your life depended on them?
It's the devilish details. It's not “3 years” it's 1 month of
nothing but crying, 2 months of arguing. 3 weeks of “pleasant”
talks, 400 hours of excuses and very reasonable doubts if you
ran them end to end. Or maybe it's a handful of wonderful nights,
many months of “well-enough,” and 3 years of pseudo safety
because no one feels like risking their relationship with you
over criticizing. Because at that point, you're “just being mean”
right? Or jealous maybe. You certainly wouldn't understand, I can
tell you that much.
1 time has a close friend violated trust against hundreds of act
of utility over years. Potentially violent Nick P. came very close to
throwing that away until I let the numbers speak. 99% of
conversations I have with Kristen aren't louder than a TV show
perhaps running in the background, and the other 1% she's probably at
the other end of a Frisbee field. I could count on one hand how many
times we “argue.” The number of times I make people laugh instead
of cry helps dictate how often jokes get made. The number of shitty,
or absences, of thoughts verses smiles helps filter facebook friends
and me to forget to send out a text or invite.
People are good for you for different things at different times,
in deeply personal ways, and for ever evolving reasons. Just let them
be that person. Don't reduce to a label or something laboriously
physical. If it's supposed to go there, why does it feel like
you're forcing it?
I make pains to not point too sharp a finger so when I slip I
don't cut myself and bleed out. But being passive aggressive here is
different than the kind of screwball dream worlds we help maintain
around people we claim to care about. That doesn't mean come in like
a wrecking ball, but you shouldn't offer to cradle the balls of the
dick forced into your mouth.
