The difference between effort and
effortless can't be overstated. What I find most intriguing is that I
know when I'm trying too hard. I can hear every syllable being “too
much.” I can immediately run to the questions of “was that
appropriate? Did it make them laugh?” You're not immune to doing
the shit you rally against just because you point out it's a clear
failing of your personality.
Tonight was a vibe night. I danced harder than I should have. I talked to however many random people. I very much made it look like I'm verily the most interesting person you should be engaging with at the bar. Really, truly, I'm not fucking bragging. I'm ever and endlessly struck by how “easy” it is to do these things. It's like being called “nice” for paying for a meal. Like, seriously, fuck you, who the fuck else would I pay for? You won, stop trying to congratulate me because you're not a fucking asshole.
Tonight was a vibe night. I danced harder than I should have. I talked to however many random people. I very much made it look like I'm verily the most interesting person you should be engaging with at the bar. Really, truly, I'm not fucking bragging. I'm ever and endlessly struck by how “easy” it is to do these things. It's like being called “nice” for paying for a meal. Like, seriously, fuck you, who the fuck else would I pay for? You won, stop trying to congratulate me because you're not a fucking asshole.
I wish I wasn't an anomaly. Don't get
me wrong, as an egomaniac, it's really great to consider myself
something special, if only from the feedback of people I'm surely to
judge beyond what they're due. But damn. It doesn't feel like work.
It's just sort of, upholding an ideal. It's living what I think
everyone knows, but for reasons I legitimately don't understand,
aren't behaving like. Can someone please explain this to me? Fear
just feels like a cop-out.
I cringe sometimes when I look at old
blogs. Like, I don't think I was terribly clear when I said my
friends were “bitch nigga ass pussies.” All that really meant was
that I don't get any sort of public feedback when what I'm saying
should be considered full of shit. I assumed there was likely
something to be said, and nobody said it, thus rendering said inability
as “bitch nigga ass pussy” status. I know I follow things up with
“don't take it personally” but I'm not terribly confident that it
always gets through as I meant...so, there, I fixed it.
I think we're a weird generation. Everything is fast forwarded. Our parents maybe had to take 30 years before they learned something we get on Buzzfeed (what a horrible fucking website) and the irony only gets to sting that much more. You'll get to make stupid marriage decisions and job decisions that, even if you follow for 5 years will feel like a fucking eternity compared to our parents. I think that's why a lot of the shit I rail about is only a glancing blow. You're stuck in the mindset I am; things move quick, even if I'm wrong, I'll flip a switch and BAM it's different.
I think we're a weird generation. Everything is fast forwarded. Our parents maybe had to take 30 years before they learned something we get on Buzzfeed (what a horrible fucking website) and the irony only gets to sting that much more. You'll get to make stupid marriage decisions and job decisions that, even if you follow for 5 years will feel like a fucking eternity compared to our parents. I think that's why a lot of the shit I rail about is only a glancing blow. You're stuck in the mindset I am; things move quick, even if I'm wrong, I'll flip a switch and BAM it's different.
I still think there's something to be
said for not fucking up what you don't need to. The more I look at my
life and time goes by, I'm really doing exactly as I think I should.
It'd be such a waste to be on whatever pedestal I consider myself and
have to sacrifice what it could represent for the ideals of the norm.
Seriously, how the fuck do you say “I'm smarter than you” without
being a dick? I want to know. I want things to be constructive, not
pretentious. I literally can't avoid it. I'm committed to not being a
cliched idiot, that doesn't mean I'm not an idiot or won't do idiotic
things, but god fucking damn I'm really trying to not be cliché, and
I don't know how to convey the message. I'm stuck just doing me and
waiting for people to follow along. It fucking sucks. This isn't
fun.
It's not hard. That's what gets me. Did you pick milk over orange juice this morning? That's the extent of effort you need to not be a fucking idiot. I really hate when people will fight tooth and nail as if they were born without the capacity for choice that I somehow inherited. I just wonder, what the fuck is it you think you'll learn? Do you need to have some really stupid decision vibrate in your bones before you give the lessons of hundreds of thousands (probably millions) of people before you any respect? Yes, it's at this point I feel very comfortable as a loner pretending that people are worth connecting with beyond fleeting cursory needs.
It's not hard. That's what gets me. Did you pick milk over orange juice this morning? That's the extent of effort you need to not be a fucking idiot. I really hate when people will fight tooth and nail as if they were born without the capacity for choice that I somehow inherited. I just wonder, what the fuck is it you think you'll learn? Do you need to have some really stupid decision vibrate in your bones before you give the lessons of hundreds of thousands (probably millions) of people before you any respect? Yes, it's at this point I feel very comfortable as a loner pretending that people are worth connecting with beyond fleeting cursory needs.
I'd like it go to away. I wish feeling
like a broken record wasn't the default but god forsaken endlessly
correct analogy. I want to exist in a world where I have to work to
be special. I don't want to have to persuade pretty girls they're
pretty, or smart people they're smart, or anybody who should take
some solace in whatever they were born with for semi-granted. But
that's the playing field. And it's pathetic and it's gut dropping and
the only truth is change so I'll shut the fuck up and wait, I guess.
Work, you fuckers.
