I'm not happy right now. I am happy
most of the time. I don't think Steev and I will be able to reach any
"fundamental understanding." She takes things out of
context, makes associations where none exist, and is, as most women,
too emotional for a discussion that can go anywhere. I'm tired of
fighting, and am more convinced that the things I like are not
balanced against the things I emphatically hate. She said I was just
like Nikki. When I've spent my life after my feelings for Nikki
developing and learning to fix all the things I saw wrong in how
Nikki and I interacted, I can't think of a bigger slap in the face.
So this moment we are pretending like we didn't talk and things
didn't get heavy. It doesn't matter to her that I've been honest, it
doesn't matter to her that I've tried to fix the things she's, after
much begrudging to do so, finally told me about. She doesn't
appreciate nor understand me, and she doesn't want to. She thinks I
am incapable of understanding when I'm wrong. She thinks it is
impossible for anything to change, let alone me. She doesn't accept
me in the only way I care to be accepted. I don't want a "go
through the motions" relationship. I don't want to be around
someone for too long because, here she's right, they will get boring
and no longer feel like they are worth it. She's willing to lie to me
"for my sake." She's willing to leave stones unturned. I
don't want to be pitied, excused, or subdued. I don't appreciate
someone attacking me out of fear for expressing themselves. She needs
to grow the balls in this situation and just break up with me if I'm
"not playful enough," "not affectionate enough,"
or can't figure out "what you do and don't say to your
girlfriend." It isn't worth losing a friend for the sake of
putting on the facade of a relationship. She told me "I
appreciate the time I have" in reference to us. She feels
betrayed, used, silenced, and maybe even manipulated by the things I
say and how I express myself. It isn't that I can't change. It is
that I refuse to change. I outright refuse to dramatically alter why
and how I do things when the person I would be doing it for doesn't
care or is unable to understand why I do them. The way I live my life
works because it leads me to understanding. Whether that
understanding always leads to "perfect happiness" or "the
best" way of interacting with someone or not, does not make it
any less valuable a tool to work with. If I don't understand, I don't
even open the door that will lead me to happiness.
She's given up on happiness and wants
to get it by subverting me. By trying to "train" me or
suppress herself in ways that will "make me happiest" she
hopes I'll start behaving in the right ways to translate "yes, I
care for you too," "yes, I acknowledge you," and "I
love you." She thinks I don't understand love. She thinks I
handled what I called love horribly. If love means indulging her on
her sycophantic fantasy then I can tell you I don't want it nor think
it love. If love means taking down a fact sheet that may or may not
coincide with the ebbs and flows of her feelings, then acting
according, then it is not what I want nor what I call love. She does
not have a grander perspective. When she tries it depresses her and
makes her lose hope. Why have a better perspective when you can
resort to ridicule? She thinks that because I understand this and
speak of this understanding that I am the same as those I empathize
with. I can't be someone's happiness when they refuse to acknowledge
what about them could possibly make me happy in return. It can't only
be me dignifying. When it comes down to it I could never do it in the
way that really matters. In the way that can drive a life. In a way
that can heal.
If every talk leaves things unsettled,
if every comment feels like a punch to the gut, if every action is
just a reaction of us trying to play to this notion of happy, then
how can even call that friendship, let alone a relationship or love?
If she wants to act like she gets it, then she needs to take the good
with the bad. She needs to be humble about her understanding, and be
open to, at the very fucking least, refraining from shutting off and
blotting out a conversation. I can't wake up next to someone who went
to bed with a secret that could blow up into a book of accusations by
morning. I can't fall into the moment of a kiss with someone who's
using it to shut me up. I can't hug someone who only hugs back
convincingly enough to finally make it to the door.
Girls don't refrain from making jokes
about guy's cock size. When they do refrain, it isn't from some
notion of respect for guys despite a seemingly endless wave of
belittling and sexist comments towards women. Respect, just like
everything else, comes from understanding. You don't respect a guy
because you don't understand them. You don't care to understand them
because you're too busy sorting them into groups, trying to train them,
and pointing out all the reasons they make you lose hope and
happiness. Because it is all their fault. Even when I try to take the
blame for something I did, it doesn't matter, so why bother saying
anything anymore? Why pretend like doing the mature thing matters to
her. Why allow myself to look bad when it just gives her another
chance to make a caricature of me?
I like her for the things that make
her, her. She is pained by the things that make me, me. It doesn't
make sense for us to be together. It isn't honest for me to be in a
one sided relationship. She allegedly feels for me how I felt for
Nikki. I don't buy it. I also don't like how she acts just like I did
in letting her feelings allow her to stay on a path that is nothing
but heartache. This can be a second example of when I open up, I get
nothing but scorn in return. I get ridiculed, misunderstood and am
just not getting it. I won't be forced to care and I can't be guilt
tripped into feelings. And if it even matters, everyone of her
speculative guesses about my past or upbringing were dead wrong, and
yet I bet it felt like she was donning some grand revelation upon me.
Every time we talk it's like a mini episode of this effect. No, this
I can't, don't want, and shouldn't bother to deal with.
