Write Makes Right

Well, I'd hardly say that any standard I carried is understood simply, even to myself, but I get what your saying. If I asked if my friends to meet my standards for myself I'd always be saying no and thinking I have no friends lol, that's why I try to find something objective yet personal that each of them can go for independent of me.

I think I ... See Moreknow what I can and do contribute in my best friendships, I was just speculating about how others perceive it. I guess I don't know why people have to delude themselves. I mean, when you show yourself to be useful and convenient to start with, yet people can still describe things about you the individual, then there isn't much if any problem. I don't know if I could stomach calling a delusion a true friendship, unless you worded it to point out the discrepancy.

August 9, 2009 at 9:53pm ·

Byron R. Turner II

Fritz, I'd have to strongly disagree that it is a foolish endeavor to hold people to a standard set by yourself. The standard you set for "friends" is what allows you to truly reflect on their talent and worth and without having a set standard you would not be able to discern if the friend is still worth your time.

What sense would it make to ... See Morehave a high standard for yourself and your friend has a lower, or even sub-par standard. By holding them to the proverbial scale of friendship you are not only keeping your friendship priorities in line (which may mean pushing the friend up the friendship ladder, or pushing them off the ladder completely) but also giving yourself the ability to look into a human mirror to see what kind of friend you truly are.

And to end, a friendship of delusion is no friendship at all; a friendship based on clarity and understanding is a friendship that will truly stand the test of time.

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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

[192] Burn

Wednesday, August 5, 2009 at 2:08am

Keep trying to fuck me. I'm noticeably more capable of indifference and am much quicker at initializing it than I was able to in the past. I will always find the lesson to be learned, and turn your belligerence into an opportunity. None the less, I wish I was above getting played (read, I wish I'd stop allowing myself to doubt and deny my initial and overwhelmingly correct thoughts and feelings.) Trust is such a commodity it's practically sacred if you can find it. I need to get out of the habit of trusting anything more than what I perceive. Or more likely, I need to accept more rapidly what indeed it is I do perceive. I don't think I've fallen into the same kind of rut, but it does draw parallels with the past despite its own nuances.

I can't trust you.

This isn't because I'm closed off, naive, or stubbornly won't, it's because I've so rarely found someone who values trust and understanding like I do. They are values that are "beneath" most of you, or perhaps more nicely, simply taken for granted. Of course you'd immediately object. Who better than you to have a flood of names come to mind that you would slap the word trust onto your relationship with them? Fine, believe it and I won't have even the slightest compulsion to argue otherwise. Or maybe, you empathize with that sentiment. What then of your relationships? Just know that I do not have it with you. Nothing beyond the, for lack of a better word, superficial can you expect to trust from me. I'll "feel" around you, talk and have fun, be there and help anyone I've deemed as a friend, but I won't trust you, yet will continue to do whatever I can so you understand what trust means to me. I don't expect the same out of people as I do from myself, and that's how I allow myself to get burned. When I "hope" or "have faith" that I misinterpreted, or things are more unclear than I'd claim, when they come full circle I still can't stifle that five or so minutes of shock and disruption. I'm working to never allow you another five minutes.

I need to feel above the problems I encounter in life. I am hopelessly excited about the future and what I can accomplish, and can't let the sudden waves of bullshit detract from that. I have a choice, I fully understand that I have a choice, and it is a difficult choice. I'm trying to make it easier for me to make it. I've decided that I'm only a sociopath to the point of self-preservation. I can't go on a wanton killing spree and truly feel empty, nor can I go down a check list of ways to betray people I'm beholden to and not blink an eye. I put value in what I can get from people, and try to return the same amount. I'm discovering more concretely that practically nobody cares to understand or live by this code of "selfishness." Their brand is petty, defiant, and sacrificial. I am simply awed by how true it is that people find themselves most "alive" when they think you are suffering. I won't forget that it is their sickness, not mine.

It's easy to understand how I don't care about you when you don't care about me. Even more so, and I think more importantly, I don't care about you when you don't care about you. I'll stop pretending. My defiance will be a stoic form with a single question, "Is that so?" when your edicts and "values" are dropped into my presence. I can't justify in myself having the capacity to keep searching through your rulebooks of endless games. I can't allow myself the luxury of dreams that include your steadfast contributions. This has been the major flaw in my perception. That I could somehow recruit people into making my dreams reach their full potential. How foolish of me to forget or stay my thoughts and hard fought understandings about people when they would conflict with my dreams.

I've been given so many opportunities to "play god" if you will and start stirring the pot of other peoples' lives. Do that "beyond mere asshole" thing then proceed to fold my arms and nod my head with a grunt. There simply is no reason in it. I try to reach happiness with people. I try to value and hold onto our relationship as long as it will work, in whatever capacity, as frequently or infrequently as is required. I can't find a single credible motive to want to destroy that. What is yours? Where in your mind do you go to make yourself okay with inching over the line? Do you resent that you truly are that vulnerable? Do you expect me to exploit it? Do you hate that I don't?

To me, it's as simple as keeping your hand off of a lit stove. You not only hold your hand to it, you're nonchalant in suggesting our fingers should be interlocked. You try to justify and nullify my objections because in "my world" I could never understand the sophistication and, dare I say, love embodied in such an act. You'd even deny your screams and scorn my help if you could catch a glimpse of horror or pity on my face. Burn.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

[191] Post Show Thoughts

Sunday, August 2, 2009 at 12:11am

I went to warped tour, and can't help my propensity to ridicule.

First, your 200 plus pound 15 year old ass should not be crowd surfing under any circumstance. When that ass gets dropped on my head, pulls my hair, and leaves me concussed, I hate you. And when that ass is about to faint and it takes three security people, and 7 hands in the pit to barely pour you over the rail it's called a news flash.

It isn't a contest to see who has the most "frilly flick-out-of-your-eyes" type hair. Nor are your oddly placed piercing telling me your an individual. It's one thing to do it for you, a completely different thing to do it to show how "into the scene and music" you are.

There are a lot a lot a lot of weird looking people. I thought I could get enough just walking around the mall, but fill tweeter center and get a couple hours between shows and damn.

I'm severely burdened by the amount of parents willing to drop off their, literally 11-15 year olds at the concert. "Somehow" they can all identify the smell of weed, scream their stupid heads off that it's cramped and hot in the third fucking row of a pit of 8,000 people, and walk around barefoot after their sandals miraculously came off during the show.

Actually, come to think of it, I just hate crowd surfing period. Your so full of yourself and enjoyment that the only way to release it is to drop your ass onto the heads of people who just want to watch the show and focus on how they can position their bodies to breath. And it's usually not enough to just do it once and prove to your friends that your wild and crazy, no you go back, and keep tumbling through 5 or 6 times, even when there is no fucking music playing. Idiot assholes.

I hate Devil Wears Prada. I hate the idea of a christian screamo band to begin with, but I think it's extra stupid when you toss out at the end of your show that, "you know guys, jesus is your friend too...and that's not meant to weird anybody out or anything it's just what we believe and what we claim." If your deity ,so full of love and awesome, is there and you believe so strongly in him, you'd think enough of him to not have to make a concession that it would bother someone to bring him up. Something tells me all the christians in the audience who are screaming their obscenities and being all too teenager, give half a fuck about what you claim to believe in, and if their screams confirm you're doing it right, you're not just wrong and stupid, you're desperate.

$9.50 for a slice of pizza means I shouldn't have seen anybody with a slice of pizza, not at least 20 people.

When your at the front of the pit, and your friend is disconnected from you, don't turn around, claw into those around you, and try to reclaim your grip on them. Not only are you taking up space that isn't being used to enjoy the music, your being a complete bitch who's willing to hurt people for the sake of keeping a hand on someone in a situation where you can't convey anything to begin with. In the same vein, when I hear you say "someone's poking my boob, I can't feel my arms, it's hot, I can't move, who's touching me!?, I need to get out of here" at the top of your lungs for 20 minutes, you deserve to die for your stupidity.

I don't know how you can justify elbowing someone in the kidney, neck, or direct spine, no matter how cramped it is. It's such a basic courtesy in that situation to find some arm positing that isn't in the most painful places for everyone around you.

I might add to this later, but I had to get a least this out.

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Updated about 7 months ago · Comment · LikeUnlike

Kristopher Walker likes this.

Sounds like a very interesting experience. If I wouldn't be completely surrounded by strangers and be extremely uncomfortable I'd totally go. But that's a little much for me. I'd be one of those stupid people freaking out cuz of everyone in my space touching me and so on.

It is amazing the kinds of things people do with their children. Dropping them off at concerts and then the kids just being retarded once they get there. It seems people don't use their brains very often.

August 2, 2009 at 11:44am ·

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Friday, July 31, 2009

[189] Therapeutic Narrative

Friday, July 31, 2009 at 4:45am

So taking the advice from the book The Black Swan I'm writing out the negative event I experienced today to help me realize there was nothing I could really do to change what happened.

I went to Showplace to see a movie and hang with my old manager, and basically adopted mom, Lisa. It's Thursday, which basically means every manager is going to be there for building the movies and other manager duties. Note, my previous time going there, a discussion about my curly hair was brought up by my old manager. We exchanged comments and jokes, but it didn't seem to get too serious, and we generally joke on each other. So this next time, to my dismay and surprise, I was informed he went to the office and announced that "sideshow bob was here." Now, I can credit something funny, even on myself, and I'll give him his props. The next ten minutes involved me being called a hobo, and looking like I was from Woodstock. Okay, nothing actually bothers me about this. It's no secret that I throw the word "fuck" or a variation of it into about everything I say when not trying to sound remotely serious or articulate. Thusly, when I reply to such comments with "at least I have hair" and "grow some fuckin hair dude" I'm hardly trying to be insulting. I can accept that this may have been taken differently. Still worth remembering, I never once initiated a comment or discussion about hair (or lack thereof), and maintained a feeling of a joking cordial atmosphere the entire time. In fact, the majority of the time he spent kicking me out of the building I thought he was joking. Call me naive.

Ultimately, if hair is that touchy of a subject, it was beyond my control to fully appreciate that fact until things spilled over. If I came off openly disrespectful, that could have been questioned and discussed, and not used as an excuse to open up into a rage and make threats. I'm willing to apologize for how I came across, but I am not sure if it would really matter. Also worth noting, before I even directed my attention in his direction he was commenting on how my guests and I were getting ready to have ourselves thrown out for reasons I still can surmise. I'd understand if we were preventing work from being done, or being loud and vulgar with guests around (which I habitually look for when I hang out at the desk) but neither was the case. I've gotten the sense that this manager has been deeply upset or displeased with me for more than the surface reasons of an off comment or inscribing my initials on the booth floor. I don't quite know what this problem is, but it is beyond my control.

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Written about 7 months ago · Comment · LikeUnlike

Maybe it's not just you. Something major went down last weekend and I have yet to find out what it was. You know there's always Showplace drama and rumors and lately he's been on edge, although he does still find time to joke even on his bad days. If it's really bothering you, why don't you ask? You could always talk to Lisa about it, get her opinion.

July 31, 2009 at 11:19am ·

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[190] Me So Solly

Friday, July 31, 2009 at 8:54pm

I'm not sure I believe in apologizes, or maybe, at least not in what they are supposed to do or how they function. Your either apologizing for doing something that was an accident, or something intentional. An accident is a by product of doing things. They are expected, in that they do happen frequently, and they could happen to anybody. Tagging "I'm sorry" to something that happens at random or because we've yet to master how and why things move doesn't seem to cut down on the frequency of accidents. Then you have the intentional action. By preemptively thinking that it was the time to do or say whatever you did, based on how you perceived the context, out it came. Then if you apologize your rescinding the fact that you made a conscious decision. Your basically stuck to being either a hypocrite or irrational.

I find that most of the time I'm asked or prompted to say I'm sorry about something, it's for doing something completely opposite to what I thought I was doing, or for how someone else reacted to a situation we both had a part in. I can't help but phrase things anymore like this, "I'm sorry you perceived things this way because that wasn't the intention" or "I apologize your feelings have come out angry in this situation.” I imagine this comes of rather condescending. As if I'm patting the other person on the head and saying "now now, too bad your just incapable of handling your feelings." Hand in hand with that is when someone does something to me or my things, I'm not exactly jumping to hear or even caring if they apologize. The thing happened, there is a choice to be made in the wake of it. No common courtesy of our language adds or detracts from the fact of a necessary decision.

The only thing that really matters after something goes wrong or there is a discrepancy, is how the parties act from that point on. If someone breaks something of mine, and they bypass the apology and go straight to buying another one, I'm happy that we've both recognized the problem and agree on the method to fix it. There is no need for ass kissing or guilt tripping. This last altercation with my old manager would do exactly that. I'd be making myself out to be the bad guy, granting his thoughts that I was trying to be deliberately offensive, and having to maintain my from thenceforth humbled attitude in his presence. Does that seem right to you? I've tried to handle situations with people I've known for much less time and have much weaker rapport with more respectfully than how he decided to react to joking around. Honesty and progress comes from explaining and understanding those different perceptions, not leveraging them against each other.

So, if an apology does something more for you that I'm incapable of picking up on, please tell me. I either do bad things, or bad things inevitably happen in my presence. One I can't deny or take back that I was a rational actor, the other is a product of our mere existence. Your apology doesn't fix anything, it only perpetuates a frequently one-sided and often flawed perception of how things transpired, whether you believe in that perception or not.

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Updated about 7 months ago · Comment · LikeUnlike

I’ll agree that I get annoyed in cases where people won’t accept a solution and demand countless apologies – once you solve the problem, you should move on. And in cases where people misunderstand or get mad for reasons beyond your control or comprehension, it is idiotic to think you should grovel at their feet, begging for forgiveness. But in other cases, an apology is more of just a verbal problem-solver. You say that if someone breaks something and then goes and buys a new something, an apology is unnecessary because you’ve solved the problem. I agree that it’s the actions afterward that prove whether you’re really sorry or not, but in some cases, an apology is the only problem-solver you have. In the case of words, you don’t have that physical act to make things better – the only way to acknowledge and fix the problem is through more words. That’s where “I’m sorry” comes in.

July 31, 2009 at 9:53pm ·

To me, the point of wanting an apology isn... See More’t because I want the person to “ass-kiss” or I want them on some sort of guilt trip, but because I just want them to acknowledge that what they did hurt me in some way. Someone could totally misunderstand your intention, and that’s not really your fault, but once you know that it doesn’t mean what you thought it might mean, you should keep that in mind for the future and not repeat whatever you did to that person. I don’t get mad at people for the actual unintentional gaffe itself, but the point is, if you don’t acknowledge it, what’s to say that you won’t do it again?

And if you do something that ends offensively, not because the person took it the wrong way, but because you didn’t think things through and it really was a stupid maneuver, you should own up to that fact. Everyone makes stupid mistakes and when you have a lapse in judgment, you should apologize for not thinking clearly.

July 31, 2009 at 9:54pm ·

You can even intentionally hurt someone or say something about them that was taken in entirely the way you meant it, and then feel badly about it later. That doesn’t make you a hypocrite – it makes you a human being that can think things through and change its mind… it’s silly to think that you think the exact same way about the same situations at different times – it’s even sillier to try to do so.

July 31, 2009 at 9:54pm ·

What's to say you won't' do it again? Nothing, that's part of my problem with it.

"But in other cases, an apology is more of just a verbal problem-solver."

Which ones? You say "in the case of words (the only way) is through more words." I don't understand this. Words, no matter the situation, don't actually do anything themselves. They are little than sounds we choose to react (or not) to.... See More

Apologizing for not thinking clearly implies that there was a common "clearer" thought process readily apparent to everyone involved, which rarely ever seems to be the case.

July 31, 2009 at 10:33pm ·

"I just want them to acknowledge that what they did hurt me in some way."

This I think speaks to the heart of the matter. Unless it's physical hurt, I can't justify believing anybody but myself allowed for any hurt. I suppose many people don't play it this way. I'm quick to blame myself for letting things either get to me, or engaging with the ... See Moreperson in the first place, or not being perceptive enough to judge things correctly. I don't hold others accountable for any pain that isn't physical, and find it hard to believe people would let met affect them as deeply as they'd claim.

July 31, 2009 at 10:33pm ·

"you should apologize for not thinking clearly."

This could be an important point too. If I'm not thinking "clearly" it would have to be prompted by sleep deprivation or some sort of yet to be experienced trauma. I think it is why I want to think it a viable excuse to apologize, but don't really think enough situations actually happen that make it... See More appropriate. I find myself always thinking, if for lack of a better word "clearly" whether I want to or not, so hearing others claim they weren't doesn't sit well with me.

July 31, 2009 at 10:34pm ·

"it... See More’s silly to think that you think the exact same way about the same situations at different times – it’s even sillier to try to do so."

This I really don't think I agree with. Aside from situations as a child where your reactions may never warrant any sort of rational discorse or reaction, I'm hardly ever swayed or pursuaded that a situation was different until new information is learned or added about that situation that I couldn't have known at the time. Even in situations where something "bad" was going on, but there was enough "good" to perpetuate it, I was still cognizant of both sides and can revisit the how's and why's long after the fact.

July 31, 2009 at 10:34pm ·

But you admit that new information could be made available. Human beings aren't omnipotent. And if you learn new things, you shouldn't be afraid to admit that you can change your mind. I know way too many people who think they know all about “both sides... See More” or “all” of a situation when I know that they are seriously lacking in important facts and insights. It happens way too often for me to believe that there are more than a few instances where anybody can say that they are positive that they will never change their mind. I’m not saying that I don’t have my own passionate beliefs that I can’t conceive ever changing, but, to me, the only way you could possibly never change your mind is if you bury your head in the sand and refuse to acknowledge any new information. You did agree that you’re not persuaded “until new information is learned” so you do think that this is possible – which was my point, so I don’t really know why you’re disagreeing with that.

July 31, 2009 at 11:42pm ·

Plus, I’ve personally experienced many incidents where, even though I knew something, I had to go over it and examine it in different ways for a long time before something finally clicked. Ok, you may just say I’m slow lol… but I doubt I’m the only person who can gain new insights through sitting and thinking for a long time.

July 31, 2009 at 11:42pm ·

I... See More’m guessing that you’re leaning toward the old adage of “Nobody can make you feel inferior except you” or something to that extent, and I’ll agree that it’s mostly true… I guess I’m thinking more of people you know – not strangers. A stranger or someone you barely know shouldn’t really care what you say. But in the case of friends, it’s harder to say that you shouldn’t care what they say – in fact, if you don’t care about their opinions, you probably don’t care about them, and then why are you friends? I just know that in the past, I’ve been hurt by friends who didn’t act like friends. I don’t think it’s crazy to blame someone who claims to be a friend for not acting like one.

July 31, 2009 at 11:43pm ·

People do things that they know they shouldn... See More’t – things that they know could be hurtful – just because they didn’t think it all the way through or simply because they decided to be selfish. Just because an act is conscious doesn’t necessarily mean it was a good decision. And if you act like a crappy friend, you should own up to it. Of course, everyone has different standards for what constitutes a “good” or “crappy” friend but I’m casting that aside right now and just making my argument under the assumption that if you’re friends with someone, you both have similar ideas of what this means.

July 31, 2009 at 11:43pm ·

I definitely think that apologies are over-demanded for little misunderstandings that shouldn... See More’t be so blown out of proportion, which is why I don’t get seriously mad very often… I know that the majority of the time I may get offended, it wasn’t the person’s intent. But there are times when I look at a friend’s actions and think to myself that they couldn’t possibly not have known that what they were doing was shitty. If they can admit it, I’m not going to cast them aside forever. Everyone makes mistakes – everyone acts selfishly from time to time – everyone, even if they are normally clear thinkers, will have moments when they don’t think all the way through to the end of their actions even if they should have, and they end up screwing up. I guess my whole point behind the “clear thinking” thing is that human beings are not perfect. *Everyone* will act less-than-admirably from time to time, and you shouldn’t be too proud to admit it.

July 31, 2009 at 11:43pm ·

I... See More’m not saying I don’t see where you’re coming from in not liking apologies. A lot of apologies are unnecessary because of overreactions. Personally, I feel like I’ve apologized way too many times for things that were not my fault, or made to feel guilty because my apology wasn’t “good enough” but I didn’t know what else to do. Apologies shouldn’t be doled out like candy at a parade for every little infraction, but in the instances where human beings end up acting like human beings, they should be able to admit to it.

July 31, 2009 at 11:43pm ·

Of course, once an apology is made, the person who... See More’s upset shouldn’t hold it over their head because that defeats the purpose of peaceful reconciliation… my point is that apologies can help if both sides are realistic about what saying sorry can do – It can’t take back what was said or done (I guess this is a common misconception of what an apology is supposed to be – “I take it back” – that’s impossible, you already did it) – It’s purpose is to make the upset party feel like their friend didn’t mean for what they said or did to cause such damage and thus keeps the friendship from deteriorating. I guess if you can just say “What I did was shitty” or “I didn’t realize it was going to end that way” and the other person can be mature enough to take that for what it is, an actual profession of “I’m sorry” isn’t necessary. But so few people will actually come right out and admit that they made a mistake.

July 31, 2009 at 11:44pm ·

If you can actually own up to not being perfect, then I guess you’re right – apologies are unnecessary. But to a lot of people, saying a set phrase like “I’m sorry” is easier than admitting their own faults.

And this was way more posts than I thought it would be... lol

July 31, 2009 at 11:44pm ·

The way you statement was framed was without the tip of the hat to new information. On it's head, I disagreed with a person's inability to hold the same thoughts about situations, let alone it being "sillier" or even an effort to do so.

I don't contend there isn't much to be gained from sitting and thinking about a situation. The entirety of the ... See Morefacts of that situation will rarely ever be filled in, so mulling it over is purely the exercise of trying to rationalize something that caused you some distress. Still, the overall physiological effects and choices you make, are what put even the remotest semblance of and end to what you think happened.

August 1, 2009 at 12:42am ·

I'm friends with people who I share mutually beneficial relationships. It isn't really a secret as to why so many go untalked to on facebook or disappear as names in a list.

" I don’t think it’s crazy to blame someone who claims to be a friend for not acting like one."

Neither do I. This is where, as I stated, I'd start blaming myself for not seeing all the, usually more blatant than we'd like to admit, reasons that they weren't a friend before "they hurt me."... See More

"Just because an act is conscious doesn’t necessarily mean it was a good decision."

I'm sorry if I was unclear, but that's exactly what I was espousing in describing myself amidst a bad decision. We kind of drifted from talking about what an apology does or doesn't do, to how friends should relate and what constitutes a healthy relationship with one here.

August 1, 2009 at 12:42am ·

"If they can admit it, I’m not going to cast them aside forever."

See, to me, if they engage in it and, whether or not they apologize, I can't rationally defend where they were coming from, that's when they get cast aside. When someone acknowledges their fuck up, there is practically nothing you can do to know they are apologizing for anything more than your upset demeanor. This is exactly what I illuminate in my "apologies."

"everyone acts selfishly from time to time"... See More

I would argue they act selfishly all the time, but that's a different discussion.

"*Everyone* will act less-than-admirably from time to time, and you shouldn’t be too proud to admit it."

I must say this statement confuses me the most. I openly stated this in blog. Restating my point, it's not that they screw up or that they are too proud to admit it, it's that they are cognizant of screwing up, whether they want to claim "being too human" or not. The excuse I don't buy.

August 1, 2009 at 12:43am ·

"It... See More’s purpose is to make the upset party feel like their friend didn’t mean for what they said or did to cause such damage and thus keeps the friendship from deteriorating."

So there's much to say about this. One, "to make the upset party feel like their friend didn't mean for what they said" is exactly the cop-out I state when people claim to not be thinking before and during the statement. It could also be read as a way for the friend to passively lie to the other person for the sake of whatever they are getting from that relationship. I don't disagree that it can be used for diplomatic purposes or even as an initial flag perhaps that makes you think they are about to actually do something. To me, if a friendship is deteriorating, it's for many more significant and complicated reasons than one's inability to placate the other with platitudes.

August 1, 2009 at 12:44am ·

"But to a lot of people, saying a set phrase like “I’m sorry” is easier than admitting their own faults."

And walah, more or less the point. It really goes back to honesty about your understanding or lack thereof. About what you are or aren't taking responsibility for. It's finding that necessary objective leap from the well of apologizes and placated feelings.

Facebook needs a better method for engaging discussions :).

August 1, 2009 at 12:45am ·

When I look back on this, it looks like we just came full circle to both agree on people admitting that they screw up and if they can do that, there’s no need for the actual words “I’m sorry.” I guess my thought process was more along the lines of most people not being able to admit that they screwed up, so they need to settle back onto the tried-and-durable apology. I honestly have not met many people who can admit to stupid actions, so to me, the apology is the only thing that they’re capable of and it’s better than them screwing me over and never acknowledging it, thus leaving the doors open for them to do it again because they never caught on that it’s not ok.

I know! Wtf is up with this like 12 lines of text at a time bullshit? Gives me a headache.

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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

[187] I'm Sorry I Can't Be

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 at 1:09am

I think it ill conceived to believe that we can be perfect. Perfection is a judgment, a term from relevance and perspective. In order for something to be perfect, it has to be compared to all that which is imperfect, which runs into the same sort of problem, determining what, how, and why. Any statement from a limited perspective, I believe, bars you from calling something objectively perfect. There are so many better questions to ask about someone or something than how close or far they are from perfect. This is easier explained by looking at a tool. Is a hammer "perfect" for hitting a nail? Is that really the right question? Was it designed to nail, yes. Does it hit, yes. Is it appropriately proportioned enough for functioning humans to use and understand it, yes. Knowing the utility and usability of something are about the closest things you can use to form any sort of "perfect" concept, and even still it has to be in how you inform your perspective.

Why would we believe that it is even possible to be perfect? Are we made out of perfect atoms? Is there a perfect example we can learn from? Perfection seems to be just the product of bad inductive reasoning. I did something better, therefore there must be an ultimate peak. Realistically, we have many different ways of getting things done, which doesn't necessarily mean we do them well or even remotely perfectly. Take raising kids. You have the plethora of people alive past 40 who've had kids to ask yourself if they were raised perfectly. They reproduced, no? They survived. They had to contribute even marginally to society in order to provide for them and their young. You would hardly find a single person that you'd regard as perfect.

You lose all chance for dignity, to be humbled, to pit your mind against a challenge and overcome it if you're "perfect." Do you hear me religious people? Your god is empty because he has no reason and no problem that could give him any sense of value that you could understand. Perfect love? The most destructive idea I can imagine. Not only does it allow you to be a self righteous delusional asshole, but it gives you the motivation to never change nor really strive to be better or more capable as a person who's part of a healthy society. You project those convictions onto people. You pretend that as long as the word love is involved it negates reality. You can think, hear, see, and say what you want instead of what actually is.

I'm sick of playing to people's perspectives. I wish it was the one thing everyone else would give up as well. People will tell you they understand, they will tell you they love you, they will say that what they are doing is right and good for them, all the while they are spiraling towards a pit of bullshit that wishes it could call itself the "perfect" behavior for them. They are fighting to be contradictions. They are willing the lies. They blind themselves to what was actually said, what could actually work, and what actually happened. STOP PRETENDING things can be perfect or that it's even a viable option. Stop lying to yourself and to me about your understanding and your truth. I don't want to hear it. I won't cater towards it.

Nor you or I will ever be perfect to anybody but ourselves. And guess what, I'm one of the few who is comfortable with who I am and what I do. It's perfect, for me. Whether and when you choose to accept that isn't my concern. Whether you actually understand it isn't really up to me either. Any time I try to explain myself, I'm met with what I "actually" am which is based on assumptions and/or five minute windows of time or interactions. Then I get told condescendingly and piously how things really are. I'm put in my place by the sad, the hopeless, the dramatic, the liers, the pious, and the naive. Perhaps you can imagine how well this goes over. Are there things about me I'd like to improve? Sure. And I've managed to adopt the kinds of ideas and behaviors that will achieve those improvements. Are those behaviors and ideas perfect? No, they are simply better than the drivel other people use to make excuses for their lives. They get me farther than entertaining and wasting time with childish and petty motives.

So how can I say I'm perfect? I'm happy, healthy, motivated, and don't cause any undue harm. It's rather simple. I am incapable of guilt about myself or about you, because I understand things from a rational standpoint. I don't cloud my thoughts with feelings, my feelings are as closely proportioned to what I think as I can make them. I don't care what you feel about me. I don't regard your thoughts as the objective, best suited, or final determination for who I am, and that is why someone would hate me for calling myself perfect. That's why they would do whatever they had to and feel whatever they could to drag me down and make me feel as bad about myself as they do themselves. I am accused of being unable to care, when you'll never find someone who could care more. Fuck your perfection.

[188] Wouldn't It Be Nice

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 at 6:27am

Have you ever been so confused that you don't know what to feel? Or rapidly gone through the stages of emotion till you come full circle just to be confused again? I don't understand why things can't be easier. Do they really have to be hard before they can? I mean, I don't buy the whole happiness can only be appreciated with sadness. What good would happiness be if it could only be achieved through sadness? You can only have the sucker if you shoot yourself first... I think about the things I want in life, and I see relatively easy paths to follow. I want to be talented, so I practice my instruments, learn random skills, fiddle with things I don't understand. I want to be connected so I throw parties and go to other gatherings or events. I want to be entertained so I download movies and shows. I want nice things so I buy them. I want to be relatively in shape so I try to get out. I want to make the most important kinds of connections with people, so, despite myself I manage to put myself out there and dive right into a world I could probably talk days of scorn about.

At the end of the day, it's all relatively easy for me. Why can't it be for others? Is it something as easily fixable as a pill and frequent talks? Is it just the right niche, the right project, or noble motivation? I tout self-centeredness because when you live for someone else you set them up to be a leech off of you. You make their feelings dependent on you. When two people can come together with a mutual understanding that they each want to be happy, are going to pursue that happiness, and no matter what the other person does it won't detract from it, you can't get a stronger bond. You're not anticipating a downfall. You're not expecting to be used. You're not feeling guilty when things don't go just right. I'm not really sure how this can be argued otherwise, so please take up a torch and fight for it if you see a glaring error in my reasoning.

When one person is sacrificing themselves for the other, they are only a detriment to themselves. As someone who wants to engage with Individual Selves, I can't get to the heart of the person who's trying to cater to me. I mean the one time in my life that I was so disposed to sacrifice myself, it was the worst, and best for the wrong reasons, time of my life. It certainly wasn't healthy, and I know that there was only a meager hint of who I truly am ever being displayed at one time. That's no way to live. Denying yourself is literally a slow death. What happens when you think it's taking too long? I want others to be happy because in order for my happiness to grow exponentially, I need to be able to exchange and engage with them. Sure, I can survive, be content and "happy enough" with how I do my thing, but, and this is scientifically backed, there is something life giving and affirming by connecting with the people in your life. I have a cold indifferent disposition to the ones that want to sacrifice themselves because, whether they like to admit or acknowledge it, they are trying to sacrifice me as well. And sorry, if I'm going down, it's going to be by my own hand and I'm going to know what I was doing it for.

I'm most confused about whether or not people really feel or see the things I'm bringing up. When I say "you worship and are part of a death cult" do they think I'm being dramatic or finding a grain of truth? Then I have to wonder what to do with the thought of them knowing what I'm saying, and choosing to do nothing about it. Not argue, not get help, not care. Then obviously, what does that mean for me given that I could be surrounded by so many of the same detrimental and infuriating mindset...

The Internet has practically forced me to follow everyone I've come in contact with, their entire lives since the beginning of Myspace. So many of the same comments, compliments, cliches...people even travel to the same places, take the same pictures, have the same looking friends. When do You start to pull away in the pictures and comments? You see, "I LOVE SUCH AND SUCH SOOOO MUCH" then you get to track their break-up and two months later that person is brimming with love all over again. I wonder if such people can even experience Love, or just the love of telling everyone about it. We're developing a world where it is easy for you to become obscure, learn too much, and be instantly bored and unamused because you've been to 4chan and survived. What I'm saying is that it takes work. You have to practice a bold and happy and individual mindset. Yes you are a product of your environment to some extent, but you still have the freedom to think and act on those thoughts, and that needs to motivate and make you happy. Facebook has basically tracked weight gain more than development of young thinking individuals.

I don't know if that idea sounds foreign, practicing happiness. Happiness should just happen when the right things just kinda fall into place, right? To me, it's the difference between loud noises and sweaty people, and a concert that changed your life. Do you listen to music just because it's there? Does it not evoke some sort of emotion and connection when you hear something put so brilliantly you carry it with you every time you hear it? That artist didn't just decide that it was time to make something soulful or happy and out pops a song. It took work and dedication to a craft. A conscious decision every day to focus on getting their feeling or message out. The months of work that happened before you connected with them for that three minutes. You have to take your life and do the same thing.

If you want special times with your friends, work at making them special. If you want to experience more, devise ways for you to take in parts of your everyday world you've taken for granted. One day it will start to come naturally and you'll just be happy. But this time, you won't wonder why or where it came from. You'll be able to remember being so down and lost. You'll be able to deal with new problems and bumps. Your feelings will be more in control than you may even like, but it's much better than the alternative. So please, for the sake of everything you are, and everything we could be to each other, keep working and never give up. The world is filled with too many typical lost causes, and they're really throwing off my flow.

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Helen Morris

Personally, I think that happiness in its whole comes from a personal choice to be happy. That in any situation or terrible place in one's life, they can still be 100% truly happy if they choose to be. I also do not think that everyone always wants to be truly happy all the time. I enjoy a bit of a rollercoaster myself. Whereas one day I might be ... completely content with everything in my life, the next day everything falls apart and I let it just to watch myself build it back up again. I blame this routine on the estrogen, but maybe I'm crazy and maybe everyone else is crazy.

But I do know I like my life this way. I used to live it without the downs. And yes, I was happy. I was happy always. But I don't want to be happy always! I love to indulge in the extreme emotional range of a 17 year old female. For better or worse. I like to know that I can tough it out. :) It makes me feel (feel being the key word) stronger.

July 29, 2009 at 9:56am ·

Stephanie Young

Helen, you have convinced me you are crazy, why do you have to convince yourself that you are strong? Don't you just know?.... and nick thanks i really like this blog... it is perfect and i like the last paragraph the best... but i bet most would.

July 29, 2009 at 7:07pm ·

You're right about living for someone else although to some extent I probably do live for Justin but what you point out makes sense. And I remember feeling so down and lost. Right now, I feel happy and in control of my life. I know we haven't seen each other in a while or really talked lately, but would you agree?

July 30, 2009 at 11:17am ·

We definitely haven't had to have hour long talks about how you shouldn't pick up the phone, and I know that you two together is probably going to result in good times, so yes I'd agree Brandinator.

July 30, 2009 at 12:58pm ·