Sunday,
August 9, 2009 at 8:52am
I need to explore what is going on in my head when I hold people up to a standard...or worse, an expectation. Is it a good thing to hold people up to a standard? Yes. How should that standard be measured and what should it contain? If you've ever been confused by my explanation or musings about levels, I'm hoping to alleviate some of the mess. I make a lot of fuss about typical verses individual. So my standard's lowest scale would be a person even acknowledging that they are a rational actor who makes decisions that reverberate throughout the world. Level one complete. The opposite end of the spectrum would be almost perfection of thought and action geared towards the proliferation and development of that self. I say almost perfect because it's naive to think things can be "perfect" or that it's even a reliable premise to begin with. Anything in between is more about the trend. There are things you can do, signs you can show, that you are progressing and taking yourself seriously, and there's things that keep you in limbo.
I'd say my degree of friendship with people is how well they progress between levels. The sole reason anyone has made it to my friend list, because it's such a grand achievement (overt sarcasm), is because they are at least a meager rational actor that can provide me with something at sometime. What and when is up for me to decide. I can entertain myself in imagining that's why I'm on all of yours, though I'm not sure if such is the case. Let's take drugs, for example. I don't mind drugs, do them, be happy. If you do them to help you concentrate on your life and what you want to do for the next ten years, more power to you. If you do them because you are mind numbingly bored and have lost all respect for your body, it isn't the drugs that are bad. But how simply things sound with an easy elaborative example....
I think lately I've been giving people too much credit. Think about that one for a second. For a while I was trying to convince myself that my "on the level" circle of friends was actually big enough to warrant a circle. As each day progresses and as I come to understand more about what I'm looking for and how it manifests, that circle closes to a point of singularity. I said previously that I can't trust you, and in the important sense that's true, but it isn't the whole story. I can trust you to play your part, especially when it isn't the part I've written. I will always manage to be witness to what it is I'd like to suppress and thus have to begrudgingly fight the urge that seeks to push you higher in the ranks. This is where knowledge and foresight border on being curses. When you can react in so many ways, all of which may get the job done, but with unpredictable consequences, it's almost a sort of paralysis on what to choose when if you don't maintain and overall scheme.
I am constantly analyzing and reanalyzing and running risk assessment scenarios in my head. I will take a single instance, a fleeting look or comment and run it through days of thought and spit out pages of what it might mean and where it might have went. The longer I spend on this process, the more I need to fight the hope that your on my understanding of this "level." I start to expect things. I try to ride on the flow of who you are and how we interact. It is beyond frustrating when that process spontaneously combusts because of too many contradictory and unsatisfactory inputs. And no, the mental machinery hasn't exploded but in a few instances.
Friendship should be two people who don't have to bullshit each other about who they are, and can share a common understanding and prospect about how they want to relate for the rest of their lives. Despite any "level" there should be a common room that both can invite the other into in order to appreciate and obtain from their presence. Whether that room is a jungle gym or study, it has to serve the same purpose. It has to allow each person to express who they are and allow them to accept who they're with. If you invite a friend who loves cigars to spend time in your poorly ventilated crawl space and you hate second hand smoke, you have a dumb and useless friendship. How to escape this analogy and continue to make sense to myself.....
I want to provide something. That's all this boils down to. I want people to recognize my utility, put it to their own use, and allow me to do the same. I want to be a character who has his role among a cast and not stage crew. That's when there's a real friendship to me. You can do stupid things, you can always fall short of what I'll deem "the level," and you can be as hopelessly human as you'll allow yourself if you can just establish how and why we relate and use it to make you happy. I never have, can, or will be able to provide anymore than my piece in that. It's not about scapegoating or supplementing feeling, it's manifesting our unique relationship. It takes two People, Minds, Natures, and Experiences. I'm lucky to get that from practically of you most of the time. But what could make things go deeper? What levels of understanding and trust are still locked and hidden away? I'm in pursuit of this, but I can't be you. I can only hope that who I'm talking to is the true realization and appreciation of you. I shouldn't have to hope.
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Maybe
I'm an idiot blowing steam in the guise of Wisdom, but the way I've
always seen it is like this:
Holding others to standards is a foolish endeavor, as the human creature is far to complicated to be judged by any simple criteria. You can only hold yourself, and your decisions to your standards. Because of this, don't ask if your friends meet ... See Morecertain standards, but rather, whether you being friends with them meets your standards of yourself.
As far as your contribution to friendships, I'm afraid I can't help you there. But consider this: most people delude themselves into thinking their friendships transcend usefulness and convenience, while this may not be true, perhaps the delusion is what makes a true friendship. I don't know. Maybe, maybe not.
Holding others to standards is a foolish endeavor, as the human creature is far to complicated to be judged by any simple criteria. You can only hold yourself, and your decisions to your standards. Because of this, don't ask if your friends meet ... See Morecertain standards, but rather, whether you being friends with them meets your standards of yourself.
As far as your contribution to friendships, I'm afraid I can't help you there. But consider this: most people delude themselves into thinking their friendships transcend usefulness and convenience, while this may not be true, perhaps the delusion is what makes a true friendship. I don't know. Maybe, maybe not.
August
9, 2009 at 4:49pm ·
Well,
I'd hardly say that any standard I carried is understood simply, even
to myself, but I get what your saying. If I asked if my friends to
meet my standards for myself I'd always be saying no and thinking I
have no friends lol, that's why I try to find something objective yet
personal that each of them can go for independent of me.
I think I ... See Moreknow what I can and do contribute in my best friendships, I was just speculating about how others perceive it. I guess I don't know why people have to delude themselves. I mean, when you show yourself to be useful and convenient to start with, yet people can still describe things about you the individual, then there isn't much if any problem. I don't know if I could stomach calling a delusion a true friendship, unless you worded it to point out the discrepancy.
I think I ... See Moreknow what I can and do contribute in my best friendships, I was just speculating about how others perceive it. I guess I don't know why people have to delude themselves. I mean, when you show yourself to be useful and convenient to start with, yet people can still describe things about you the individual, then there isn't much if any problem. I don't know if I could stomach calling a delusion a true friendship, unless you worded it to point out the discrepancy.
August
9, 2009 at 9:53pm ·
Fritz,
I'd have to strongly disagree that it is a foolish endeavor to hold
people to a standard set by yourself. The standard you set for
"friends" is what allows you to truly reflect on their
talent and worth and without having a set standard you would not be
able to discern if the friend is still worth your time.
What sense would it make to ... See Morehave a high standard for yourself and your friend has a lower, or even sub-par standard. By holding them to the proverbial scale of friendship you are not only keeping your friendship priorities in line (which may mean pushing the friend up the friendship ladder, or pushing them off the ladder completely) but also giving yourself the ability to look into a human mirror to see what kind of friend you truly are.
And to end, a friendship of delusion is no friendship at all; a friendship based on clarity and understanding is a friendship that will truly stand the test of time.
What sense would it make to ... See Morehave a high standard for yourself and your friend has a lower, or even sub-par standard. By holding them to the proverbial scale of friendship you are not only keeping your friendship priorities in line (which may mean pushing the friend up the friendship ladder, or pushing them off the ladder completely) but also giving yourself the ability to look into a human mirror to see what kind of friend you truly are.
And to end, a friendship of delusion is no friendship at all; a friendship based on clarity and understanding is a friendship that will truly stand the test of time.
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