Wednesday, July 29, 2009

[188] Wouldn't It Be Nice

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 at 6:27am

Have you ever been so confused that you don't know what to feel? Or rapidly gone through the stages of emotion till you come full circle just to be confused again? I don't understand why things can't be easier. Do they really have to be hard before they can? I mean, I don't buy the whole happiness can only be appreciated with sadness. What good would happiness be if it could only be achieved through sadness? You can only have the sucker if you shoot yourself first... I think about the things I want in life, and I see relatively easy paths to follow. I want to be talented, so I practice my instruments, learn random skills, fiddle with things I don't understand. I want to be connected so I throw parties and go to other gatherings or events. I want to be entertained so I download movies and shows. I want nice things so I buy them. I want to be relatively in shape so I try to get out. I want to make the most important kinds of connections with people, so, despite myself I manage to put myself out there and dive right into a world I could probably talk days of scorn about.

At the end of the day, it's all relatively easy for me. Why can't it be for others? Is it something as easily fixable as a pill and frequent talks? Is it just the right niche, the right project, or noble motivation? I tout self-centeredness because when you live for someone else you set them up to be a leech off of you. You make their feelings dependent on you. When two people can come together with a mutual understanding that they each want to be happy, are going to pursue that happiness, and no matter what the other person does it won't detract from it, you can't get a stronger bond. You're not anticipating a downfall. You're not expecting to be used. You're not feeling guilty when things don't go just right. I'm not really sure how this can be argued otherwise, so please take up a torch and fight for it if you see a glaring error in my reasoning.

When one person is sacrificing themselves for the other, they are only a detriment to themselves. As someone who wants to engage with Individual Selves, I can't get to the heart of the person who's trying to cater to me. I mean the one time in my life that I was so disposed to sacrifice myself, it was the worst, and best for the wrong reasons, time of my life. It certainly wasn't healthy, and I know that there was only a meager hint of who I truly am ever being displayed at one time. That's no way to live. Denying yourself is literally a slow death. What happens when you think it's taking too long? I want others to be happy because in order for my happiness to grow exponentially, I need to be able to exchange and engage with them. Sure, I can survive, be content and "happy enough" with how I do my thing, but, and this is scientifically backed, there is something life giving and affirming by connecting with the people in your life. I have a cold indifferent disposition to the ones that want to sacrifice themselves because, whether they like to admit or acknowledge it, they are trying to sacrifice me as well. And sorry, if I'm going down, it's going to be by my own hand and I'm going to know what I was doing it for.

I'm most confused about whether or not people really feel or see the things I'm bringing up. When I say "you worship and are part of a death cult" do they think I'm being dramatic or finding a grain of truth? Then I have to wonder what to do with the thought of them knowing what I'm saying, and choosing to do nothing about it. Not argue, not get help, not care. Then obviously, what does that mean for me given that I could be surrounded by so many of the same detrimental and infuriating mindset...

The Internet has practically forced me to follow everyone I've come in contact with, their entire lives since the beginning of Myspace. So many of the same comments, compliments, cliches...people even travel to the same places, take the same pictures, have the same looking friends. When do You start to pull away in the pictures and comments? You see, "I LOVE SUCH AND SUCH SOOOO MUCH" then you get to track their break-up and two months later that person is brimming with love all over again. I wonder if such people can even experience Love, or just the love of telling everyone about it. We're developing a world where it is easy for you to become obscure, learn too much, and be instantly bored and unamused because you've been to 4chan and survived. What I'm saying is that it takes work. You have to practice a bold and happy and individual mindset. Yes you are a product of your environment to some extent, but you still have the freedom to think and act on those thoughts, and that needs to motivate and make you happy. Facebook has basically tracked weight gain more than development of young thinking individuals.

I don't know if that idea sounds foreign, practicing happiness. Happiness should just happen when the right things just kinda fall into place, right? To me, it's the difference between loud noises and sweaty people, and a concert that changed your life. Do you listen to music just because it's there? Does it not evoke some sort of emotion and connection when you hear something put so brilliantly you carry it with you every time you hear it? That artist didn't just decide that it was time to make something soulful or happy and out pops a song. It took work and dedication to a craft. A conscious decision every day to focus on getting their feeling or message out. The months of work that happened before you connected with them for that three minutes. You have to take your life and do the same thing.

If you want special times with your friends, work at making them special. If you want to experience more, devise ways for you to take in parts of your everyday world you've taken for granted. One day it will start to come naturally and you'll just be happy. But this time, you won't wonder why or where it came from. You'll be able to remember being so down and lost. You'll be able to deal with new problems and bumps. Your feelings will be more in control than you may even like, but it's much better than the alternative. So please, for the sake of everything you are, and everything we could be to each other, keep working and never give up. The world is filled with too many typical lost causes, and they're really throwing off my flow.
Top of Form

Personally, I think that happiness in its whole comes from a personal choice to be happy. That in any situation or terrible place in one's life, they can still be 100% truly happy if they choose to be. I also do not think that everyone always wants to be truly happy all the time. I enjoy a bit of a rollercoaster myself. Whereas one day I might be ... completely content with everything in my life, the next day everything falls apart and I let it just to watch myself build it back up again. I blame this routine on the estrogen, but maybe I'm crazy and maybe everyone else is crazy.

But I do know I like my life this way. I used to live it without the downs. And yes, I was happy. I was happy always. But I don't want to be happy always! I love to indulge in the extreme emotional range of a 17 year old female. For better or worse. I like to know that I can tough it out. :) It makes me feel (feel being the key word) stronger.
July 29, 2009 at 9:56am ·
Helen, you have convinced me you are crazy, why do you have to convince yourself that you are strong? Don't you just know?.... and nick thanks i really like this blog... it is perfect and i like the last paragraph the best... but i bet most would.
July 29, 2009 at 7:07pm ·
You're right about living for someone else although to some extent I probably do live for Justin but what you point out makes sense. And I remember feeling so down and lost. Right now, I feel happy and in control of my life. I know we haven't seen each other in a while or really talked lately, but would you agree?
July 30, 2009 at 11:17am ·
We definitely haven't had to have hour long talks about how you shouldn't pick up the phone, and I know that you two together is probably going to result in good times, so yes I'd agree Brandinator.
July 30, 2009 at 12:58pm ·
Yeah, he called back in May and kinda threw me off track but since then I haven't answered unknown numbers and I changed my voicemail so my voice and my name aren't on it, just the automated you've reached blah blah blah number. It was difficult to make it to where I am but I feel like I'm finally where I wanna be.
We need to talk more. I miss us talking even though it was usually me and you giving your input.
July 30, 2009 at 10:38pm ·
Bottom of Form


Posted by at