Current mood: just another headache
There's no such thing as love. It's a myth, fairytale brought about after those who could find nothing left to live for started looking for excuses. Its centered around lies and ambition and is and isn't so many things that for it to exist would be a fallacy in logic. Things happen that make u attracted to sumone. Their looks or personality whatever. There's no deep inner core button that's pushed when u lay eyes on "the one." Life is always there to pay u the friendly reminder that ura dumbass if u don't look at the whole picture and see things for what they really are. U'll get caught up in an instant or a feature and make it so much more if u don't learn to control urself. Love is a choice like all things, u can say that the people ur with u luv or u don't. theres infatuation, obsession, basic attraction. Love is the ideal. People get lost in their ideals and call it having their dreams come true. Guy grows up to want a girl who cooks, cleans, and massages his back every night. Finds girl, says he loves her, marriage. Always in the back of his head though is suzy who could do all that and more but do to whatever circumstance didn't work out so he settled for less and made it his new "dream". Being with sumone is self centered in itself. Most relationships people are in so they can either get fucked or build their self esteem. Or like me they want someone to shower attention on and make feel special cus their so self centered they can only think of themselves no matter the situation and could in sum sick twisted way use it as sum sort of penance. I mean how sick is that. I can turn my own mind against me to satisy the inner will that gets me everything I want. And I don't' know if I hate that as much as I should. I mean it gets me by in every situation. Sure I might be bored and lonely my whole life but I'll never feel the pain of insincerity about sumone I may have cared more about than neone I've ever know. I'm filled with self doubt about so much shit I do and the decisions I make so I just make them without thinking or things get complicated and I start to fuck them up more than if I just went with the flow. I'm crazy about her? Or am I just crazy? Am I the psycopath that got lucky and can control his urges to do beyond stupid things simply because I take more satisfaction out of knowing I can make the choices or not? I mean things are so crazy like that. One factor of ur personality can turn u from deep to insane. Sincere to completely self centered. I think I can fortell the fucking future with how much I think about and read off people. And when those fortellings keep coming true I start to act in a way that will assure that they don't. its totally fucking retarded, I have perspective and can read situations but I throw it all away in a crazy attempt at having the control of how it works out. But then, what else am I supposed to do. Just sit back and let life flow past my eyes and then backwash and replay so I can just how stupid I was for doing or not doing in sum situation? So much to think about, so much I can't work out alone or with neone, It just sits there till I choose to bitch about it in sum drawn out blog that noone can truly understand or appreciate but me. I mean with my assumed perspective comes the knowledge that my life is great, excellent, theres absolutely nuthting I can complain about. Hence why I try to stay calm and cool and don't overact to shit because nothing is as bad as u want to make it. So with such a great life why am I plagued with this mind that sends me in circles and back again. Religion, relationships, love, people in general, situations, circumstances, consequence, all just swirls around over and over until I feel like I could be a strung out junkie who just stops giving a fuck. I can go newhere in life. Do I live up to my potential? No who does. Is living up to my potential worth using sumone to get there to satisfy that sick inner need to be self comfortable? Not at all. And then when do u decide whether its that or not. Can I actually care about sumone as much as I say I do? Would I really do nething or does it just feel like that sumtimes. Do I just want the challenge and then if I fail I can feel happy that I tried. I can make ne precious, fun loving, life changing moment into some overly practical sense that destroy ne chance of it sounding as great as it once did. Its like I attack the will to live. Do I just not see the practicality of life? Am I just going back to the old god questions of why we're here and whats the point and yada yada, totally unoriginal everyone's been there before and settled on one belief or another. They've surround themselves in a shelf of deams and wishes and hopes and don't allow their minds to fuck with them as I allow mind to do to me. And I like to pride myself on being the smart one right, that's rich. I sit here on the bus and watch her sleep on another dude like she did with me, which I though was the greatest moment of my life and yet I can blow it off and say that's just what she does, she's a flirt, its not important and all of a sudden this "life altering" moment just gets killed and all I do is say well should've seen it coming. I base my decision to graduate early, go out and start to really live my life on whether I may or may not get to be with her…I mean that to sumone as presumably logical to me should sound like such a duh situation but at the same time I allow it fuck me over as it has. Maybe that's the purpose of life to actually get lost in those dreams and make things important to you. Hell if I know, I'm just nick, rambling about nothing and everything again.
I think my heads starting to hurt again, I've been sick all day just kind of in a daze thinking and I just wonder if me not caring about so much means that I don't care about everything or more importantly things I should care about more than anything. How am I qualified to decide?
