Thursday,
September 25, 2008 at 2:12pm
I
hate being confused. My motivation is to find the steady state of
mind. I probably hate people so much because they are so quick and
apt at fucking with that. Or better said, my dumb-ass self allows
them to do such. That's why it is easy to disregard them and forget.
Once that's accomplished, the mind finds its way back to the path.
There must be a reason that I would actively engage in activities
which clog my otherwise mental effluence. There's always those
opportunities to learn and grow right? You can't get anywhere if you
remain complacent and happy. I feel this would make more sense if I
felt either complacent or happy. I always just am with spurts that
are happy and spurts that aren't. Perhaps it's exciting to feel
vulnerable? When you put yourself out on a limb it's the ultimate
chance to sink or swim. Any time one can “overcome” said
situation, ego boost. A mere and meager ego boost? I like the idea
more that it is a dramatic and exciting profession of who you really
are and what your capable of. What then, when that ephemeral ego
oversteps itself? A level of improvidence so great that you
immediately regret your decision. Such times leave those dangerously
indelible impressions, and prompt learned behaviors, that “act up”
in lieu of more appropriate responses.
When you've reached a “flow” to your life, what law of nature dictates that any attempt at making that flow more understood or improved, must result in the slow alienation of what seemed fundamental in establishing it in the first place? Why use a leaf blower to clean the dust off a house of cards in order to create a “more perfect” house. The house is more like a cheerleader pyramid. We're all wobbling and stuck between everyone else, but the second you start to speculate on reasons your third from the left in the bottom row, your arm gives out and down goes that section. What significance is the “why” if this is the picture? All it appears to have done is make a crash. Of course there's always the other side of the coin. What would happen if the why were never conceived? What lesson can be learned only after the tower has fallen? How much stronger can you make the house, or pyramid, when its comprised of people who are ready to fall, but able to remain salient?
I think this helps elaborate on why I fuck with good things. I want them even better. I think I'm more disappointed when things don't turn out better, than I ever could be at the players involved or my initial act of toying with the knobs. I get egregiously off track when I attempt to propitiate the feelings of those who can't rise above the initial dissatisfaction of the changing atmosphere. When a tacit understanding exists about the superficial actions, for the sake of formality or innocuous “testing,” all fears and worries are want for justification. I'm pining for knowledge and opportunities which more frequently are coming in the form of people.
There's no better place to learn about someone than from them. Too “duh” of a notion? Think of it like this. I've been talking a lot recently about developing relationships(tacit quotes) with people. I'll find myself struggling and thinking about them uncontrollably. This I assure is not because of their charm or spell that's high-jacked my psyche. I'm just dying to know more, to question more, and to push things as far as they'll go. Mr. Bowman said something to the effect last night like, “it just wouldn't be Nick if he didn't go past the envelope.” This isn't just a rule for my “shock comments.” One of my problems is how I come across when I'm trying subdue my mind by prodding for answers. Nor am I always well received when I verbally assail a situation before really knowing all the players. I also fail when it comes to depicting how I “feel” with regard to new information. Well, something to work on right?
In the end it all comes down to honesty for me. I honestly care so little about a few, or perhaps many, awkward moments, and the range of scornful looks to outright hatred of things I do in my “story of how I came to know you.” I'm always asking myself what's the point, and why I even bother, and apparently some part of me realizes that to some extent, it's always worth it. If you don't have the capacity or care to travel with me for your own sake, I can't care about leaving you where you are for mine.
When you've reached a “flow” to your life, what law of nature dictates that any attempt at making that flow more understood or improved, must result in the slow alienation of what seemed fundamental in establishing it in the first place? Why use a leaf blower to clean the dust off a house of cards in order to create a “more perfect” house. The house is more like a cheerleader pyramid. We're all wobbling and stuck between everyone else, but the second you start to speculate on reasons your third from the left in the bottom row, your arm gives out and down goes that section. What significance is the “why” if this is the picture? All it appears to have done is make a crash. Of course there's always the other side of the coin. What would happen if the why were never conceived? What lesson can be learned only after the tower has fallen? How much stronger can you make the house, or pyramid, when its comprised of people who are ready to fall, but able to remain salient?
I think this helps elaborate on why I fuck with good things. I want them even better. I think I'm more disappointed when things don't turn out better, than I ever could be at the players involved or my initial act of toying with the knobs. I get egregiously off track when I attempt to propitiate the feelings of those who can't rise above the initial dissatisfaction of the changing atmosphere. When a tacit understanding exists about the superficial actions, for the sake of formality or innocuous “testing,” all fears and worries are want for justification. I'm pining for knowledge and opportunities which more frequently are coming in the form of people.
There's no better place to learn about someone than from them. Too “duh” of a notion? Think of it like this. I've been talking a lot recently about developing relationships(tacit quotes) with people. I'll find myself struggling and thinking about them uncontrollably. This I assure is not because of their charm or spell that's high-jacked my psyche. I'm just dying to know more, to question more, and to push things as far as they'll go. Mr. Bowman said something to the effect last night like, “it just wouldn't be Nick if he didn't go past the envelope.” This isn't just a rule for my “shock comments.” One of my problems is how I come across when I'm trying subdue my mind by prodding for answers. Nor am I always well received when I verbally assail a situation before really knowing all the players. I also fail when it comes to depicting how I “feel” with regard to new information. Well, something to work on right?
In the end it all comes down to honesty for me. I honestly care so little about a few, or perhaps many, awkward moments, and the range of scornful looks to outright hatred of things I do in my “story of how I came to know you.” I'm always asking myself what's the point, and why I even bother, and apparently some part of me realizes that to some extent, it's always worth it. If you don't have the capacity or care to travel with me for your own sake, I can't care about leaving you where you are for mine.
