Wednesday,
September 24, 2008 at 8:00am
Where to
begin?
What am I scared of in life? I don't want to hurt the wrong people. I view overwhelming or misunderstood emotions as the predecessor to the majority of reasons I hate people. Hence, I keep mine in check if not actively suppress and downplay any “significance” they may hold. I refuse to let them take me with reckless abandon, one, because of how badly it went in the past, and two, because I view the vast majority of my decisions come from a very empty place. This makes those decisions capable of being anything, which in turn makes me feel free, which finally allows me to manifest my glint of happiness in this dark, cold world. The overwhelming bad in people, that I do in fact see, comes off as ridicule and belligerence from me because there isn't an ounce of respect for the people I'm addressing. I say and feel like I'm a terrible person because I've thought about what I can do, I'm convinced I could go through with whatever it is, and I don't think I'll have much feeling about it either way. To me, I think “normal” people are usually set off by some good feeling they can justify or reinforce with some good act. I'm the opposite. I just do, then try to decide if there is something good to see in what happened or is happening.
I think I'm in love. That is, I think I'm smitten by the idea of limbo and wavering endlessly in cloud of gray. Most of you know I hate plans and hate to be categorized. What do I do when I meet someone who makes it their task to meticulously think out every potential scenario, assign you your motivation, and paint a grandiose picture of what front your portraying? Well, aside from Byron, but he's on my team. It isn't even the ability to relate or articulate the failings or reasons for a position, it's you both knowing that “something more” that most deeper conversations are laden with. The moment my body started feeling the bit of weight in the air is the moment she called the reason my arm moved the way it did. We both know what kind of people we can be/are, and I don't think either of us wants to feel the blunt of the worst case scenario.
With Nikki it was easy. I thought about her all the time, I got energy just thinking about doing things for her, my heart and stomach ached, I stayed up all night, and hell, I even turned to a god. Was I hurt so bad that now it's practically impossible for me to reach that state of raw emotion again? When I think about what I believe will make me happy in dealing with “real” people, this girl is the epitome. I don't have to struggle to talk to her, I don't feel uncomfortable being honest, every “part” ::coughs:: is in working order, and I will be able to gain further insight into myself by simply being around her. So tell me, why is the overabundance of feeling and will matched to the girl I do guard myself from and haven't had very deep conversations with, and my vast sea of emptiness allows me to recognize the amazing person I've met, but remain essentially stoic?
I don't care if I hurt myself. I can handle and live with the idea that I did something so stupid that all it affected was me. I really do not want to hurt her. I don't want feelings to get confused. I don't want to develop feelings out of pity or empathy. I don't want to do something overtly stupid and self-fulfilling for the sole reason of expressing to her just how “not whatever” she said I really am. Maybe it is a naïve assumption, but I sincerely hope to have the kind of “relationship” we have now, without the drama that feelings bring. If I take Byron as an example, we're cool as can be, think at the same level, understand the same things, and I know I will never have to worry about some homo passion that would consume either of us into fucking up the kind of friendship we have. I think a handful of reasons are making things potentially much more complicated, not least because she's a girl.
Fuck me. Aren't feelings supposed to grow over time as your relationship with someone becomes better informed and mature? If this is true then I'm only setting myself up for disaster. Fuck me again. Aren't I looking for real people, expressing real emotion, and real ideas that are supposed to magically connect us in a way that transcends carnal pleasures and naïve emotion? What the fuck is wrong with me when I've found one and there are no fireworks? I refuse to make a game out of people I consider to be worth it. I don't know how to avoid the game without feeling like I'm playing with something the whole time. Not playing her. I just envisioned a tightrope walker, exciting, but I don't want anyone to die. Is that not just the risk you entail when you choose to live your life in this manner? Always aware, but never letting you down. It's a much easier practice when the stakes involve people you pity or disregard.
I just don't want her to get hurt because I'm “good at what I do” or happy as this current manifestation of “Nick.” Whatever that means. I think perhaps deeper is that I'm disappointed by myself being unable to feel, in a greater extent, for someone I so easily identify with. Idea, this is an indicator of how I feel about myself? Completely removed from her, I judge myself a certain way, recognize it, yet mirror my feelings about myself, the perpetual “meh”ness, onto her. I mean, this wouldn't be unfair or dishonest if it was the case, and it doesn't feel like a position gone too awry. I still have to worry about whether my mannerisms and behavior are coming from “developed feelings,” or because it's fun to watch them work as expected, or because I'm actually just sincere and there is no act. My only real criterion for making sure I'm not full of shit is other people perceiving my actions as confirmation of what I tried to make them appreciate in words.
In any event, I will continue to just go with the flow as it were, and keep in the moment. I don't really know how this will come off, but it isn't at all from some place of desperation or worry. I just think there many aspects to this situation that need to be thought about, even if it may just be simple.
What am I scared of in life? I don't want to hurt the wrong people. I view overwhelming or misunderstood emotions as the predecessor to the majority of reasons I hate people. Hence, I keep mine in check if not actively suppress and downplay any “significance” they may hold. I refuse to let them take me with reckless abandon, one, because of how badly it went in the past, and two, because I view the vast majority of my decisions come from a very empty place. This makes those decisions capable of being anything, which in turn makes me feel free, which finally allows me to manifest my glint of happiness in this dark, cold world. The overwhelming bad in people, that I do in fact see, comes off as ridicule and belligerence from me because there isn't an ounce of respect for the people I'm addressing. I say and feel like I'm a terrible person because I've thought about what I can do, I'm convinced I could go through with whatever it is, and I don't think I'll have much feeling about it either way. To me, I think “normal” people are usually set off by some good feeling they can justify or reinforce with some good act. I'm the opposite. I just do, then try to decide if there is something good to see in what happened or is happening.
I think I'm in love. That is, I think I'm smitten by the idea of limbo and wavering endlessly in cloud of gray. Most of you know I hate plans and hate to be categorized. What do I do when I meet someone who makes it their task to meticulously think out every potential scenario, assign you your motivation, and paint a grandiose picture of what front your portraying? Well, aside from Byron, but he's on my team. It isn't even the ability to relate or articulate the failings or reasons for a position, it's you both knowing that “something more” that most deeper conversations are laden with. The moment my body started feeling the bit of weight in the air is the moment she called the reason my arm moved the way it did. We both know what kind of people we can be/are, and I don't think either of us wants to feel the blunt of the worst case scenario.
With Nikki it was easy. I thought about her all the time, I got energy just thinking about doing things for her, my heart and stomach ached, I stayed up all night, and hell, I even turned to a god. Was I hurt so bad that now it's practically impossible for me to reach that state of raw emotion again? When I think about what I believe will make me happy in dealing with “real” people, this girl is the epitome. I don't have to struggle to talk to her, I don't feel uncomfortable being honest, every “part” ::coughs:: is in working order, and I will be able to gain further insight into myself by simply being around her. So tell me, why is the overabundance of feeling and will matched to the girl I do guard myself from and haven't had very deep conversations with, and my vast sea of emptiness allows me to recognize the amazing person I've met, but remain essentially stoic?
I don't care if I hurt myself. I can handle and live with the idea that I did something so stupid that all it affected was me. I really do not want to hurt her. I don't want feelings to get confused. I don't want to develop feelings out of pity or empathy. I don't want to do something overtly stupid and self-fulfilling for the sole reason of expressing to her just how “not whatever” she said I really am. Maybe it is a naïve assumption, but I sincerely hope to have the kind of “relationship” we have now, without the drama that feelings bring. If I take Byron as an example, we're cool as can be, think at the same level, understand the same things, and I know I will never have to worry about some homo passion that would consume either of us into fucking up the kind of friendship we have. I think a handful of reasons are making things potentially much more complicated, not least because she's a girl.
Fuck me. Aren't feelings supposed to grow over time as your relationship with someone becomes better informed and mature? If this is true then I'm only setting myself up for disaster. Fuck me again. Aren't I looking for real people, expressing real emotion, and real ideas that are supposed to magically connect us in a way that transcends carnal pleasures and naïve emotion? What the fuck is wrong with me when I've found one and there are no fireworks? I refuse to make a game out of people I consider to be worth it. I don't know how to avoid the game without feeling like I'm playing with something the whole time. Not playing her. I just envisioned a tightrope walker, exciting, but I don't want anyone to die. Is that not just the risk you entail when you choose to live your life in this manner? Always aware, but never letting you down. It's a much easier practice when the stakes involve people you pity or disregard.
I just don't want her to get hurt because I'm “good at what I do” or happy as this current manifestation of “Nick.” Whatever that means. I think perhaps deeper is that I'm disappointed by myself being unable to feel, in a greater extent, for someone I so easily identify with. Idea, this is an indicator of how I feel about myself? Completely removed from her, I judge myself a certain way, recognize it, yet mirror my feelings about myself, the perpetual “meh”ness, onto her. I mean, this wouldn't be unfair or dishonest if it was the case, and it doesn't feel like a position gone too awry. I still have to worry about whether my mannerisms and behavior are coming from “developed feelings,” or because it's fun to watch them work as expected, or because I'm actually just sincere and there is no act. My only real criterion for making sure I'm not full of shit is other people perceiving my actions as confirmation of what I tried to make them appreciate in words.
In any event, I will continue to just go with the flow as it were, and keep in the moment. I don't really know how this will come off, but it isn't at all from some place of desperation or worry. I just think there many aspects to this situation that need to be thought about, even if it may just be simple.
Updated
about a month ago
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