DISCLAIMER: Back when I started writing, I had no qualms about rambling, shit punctuation, no paragraphs, and text speak versions of words. I didn't spell check. It's not until about the 20s of the blogs where I pretend I have a grasp of the English language.
Current mood: Perpetual "Meh"ness
Hmmm so its become overly apparnent to me that I'm completely dramatic. I need to go from one extreme to the other in order to keep some sense of order in my head. I can either be all gung ho about "dream girl" or I hav to take the completely opposite direction. I wonder if that means I hav no real sense of self. Or at least don't want to be my "old" self nemore. I wonder what it would be like to just make her dead to me. Cus I'm quite sure I can't just toy with this for too long. I know I'm a bad person, that's obvious. But where's the redemption kick in. I get all crazy when I think too much. God "fucking" with me and whatnot. In the back of my head I know that's just like, nick wtf grow up. I think it takes a long time for things to truly set in with me. I've gotten everything I've ever been passionate about. I refuse to lose. And who made the decision I hav to? Why not go into the bag of tricks. Would it really spoil the overall goodness later? I can't say yes or no, only assume…kinda. Depends on whats in the bag, so to speak. I'm not like against God or opposed to change. Make someone believe that about urself and u should get a metal. Obviously I'm failing. I don't get it. A simple. Go away and give it a rest is all it would take lol. Just more and more flirting more and more joking. O well. I'm not a bitch, I can deal with it. Big brother doesn't really work for me. I've already got a sister. The fact that it has to work for me if it works for her doesn't help things ne. maybe I should give up. I know its worth it but still. I wonder what giving up really feels like. Why not? It would stop me bitching, give me an excuse to be even meaner, random, and pervish. I'd be rich as hell conserning myself with only money and indulgence. I mean if I'm gonna cope I might as well do it in style. I'm not worth it to her. I'm flirty boy no. 2 or 3 with a crush. That's sad. She loves me? Ya like all her friends. I've got pets names? I bet the others are in alphabetical order so she can keep them straight. I'm sure its just me being self centered to think I'm special in ne way to her. Method for keeping my hopes up or sumthing. College will help. Sure I'll think about her but the practicality of nething past flirtacious i.m's will be ridiculous and I'll be able to justify trying to forget her with that. This broken record affect, fuck, I'm waiting for the overwhelming hit that sends me back to completely hating everyone and not caring. I want her power lol, shit. I still don't believe she's just some ideal I'll get over with another pretty face so good luck on pep talks. I'm just simply not worth nething to neone but myself. I'm good for a laugh, a pep talk, a ride, and free movies. Whoopee. The story of a million others like that, and their prolly better at it and hav real chances with practical ideals and don't bitch. Every hero has that tragic flaw right. So then I'm the bad guy with that super awesome perseverance and will that keeps me sane, flirtatious, and delusional so I can forget about the other shit.
