DISCLAIMER: Back when I started writing, I had no qualms about rambling, shit punctuation, no paragraphs, and text speak versions of words. I didn't spell check. It's not until about the 20s of the blogs where I pretend I have a grasp of the English language.
Current mood: discontent
So I feel like blogging, I'll make it private because I don't know if I want people knowing nething about me nemore. So life doesn't seem like it would be as good if I wasn't with her. All this I hear from people who've found who they love and feel incomplete by not being with them. Well that shit is happening to me. She's such a special person and everyone knows it. inside and out. I think she's hiding something or scared w/e. I'm not sure. I wish it were just simple. I like her. She puts on that she likes me and it just happened. If something feels right then it should happen I think. I want to love her more than life. Make her my life. How else is there to live. I already said I've been through the self centered thing. Why's it all hav to be so complicated. I feel like I all I ever do is bitch nemore. I've come to the decision that I really am just about her. Literally other girls look sooo much uglier when she's on my mind. I want everything in the world for her. And I would make good on everything I've told her. I would make her feel like I see her. I dunno, I get all these signs that would mean such simple things in a normal situation. I mean she lays between my legs, like she did with her ex. She says all the flirty things and gives those lil looks. She knows how much I care about her. I go out on all these limbs saying things that ppl take so long to say or never have the balls to say. I let my stomach turn in knots and I let my mind take me into dream worlds. I feel like I'll go insane without her, not psycho insane mind u but like my will will be dimished to that of an old miser. People don't understand what it takes to make me feel. Like actually feel sumthing. I've joked about things that get u a hot seat to hell and hav a totally indifferent feeling about it all. I've been called every name in the book I've done or thought about doing everything imaginable to seemingly everyone and everything. And it all just leaves me "meh." And then at the hint of a thought about her I go through retrograde. I know why I love her. I can go on for hours all the things. That's crazy, I'm not going to until a romantic gesture in the future I kinda am thinking about. But newayz, I dunno nemore, can I keep going as the kinda play thing support system and just let her slowly slip away? I'm sure there will be that guy all religious and cute and makes her laugh and treats her right who will come along and beat me out. But will he truly feel that same pain in his heart/stomach when he thinks about what it would be like to not be with her. Will he really do everything in his power to make her feel like beautiful person I see her as? I literally think about her all the time. How I can make her laugh or where I can take her or if she'll do this or look that way. I mean I think I'm retarded but I don't feel right not thinking about her. Considering her in situations and choices that don't even come close to affecting her. And all I am is the support. Not that its bad but I mean its just confusing to be seen like that. And if I'm more it would take half sentence to tell me. What doesn't she want me to know? Should I be secretive like her to spark interest. I mean it sucks laying myself on the line and hoping to either get my heart torn out or accepted. And its so exactly half and half its scary. What is there about me to be scared of. I mean I come off as intimidating or like out there w/e but not around her. I look into all that astrology stuff I'm so at a stretch for trying to find out what's going on in her mind. I think its sad but I prefer resourceful. I need to find my inner motivation again I think. The same will to drive me when I'm alone. I hate to think like that. I hate it more than nething to think everything I do will only be for me. But I can't control her. I hav nothing but a lil influence as a "friend" or so she wants me to believe. I think I hate my perspective, this fucking gage that makes me realize whats really important all the time. I know its more important to love and live for sumone else. I know how cyborg I am or can be and how much it takes to change me. And I hate that I know it won't happen like everyone wants to keep reassuring it will. Noone understands how much this really means to me. They really don't. I hate being the whinny bitch but its true. She doesn't need me is a lie. I provide sumthing important. I would hope if I didn't she wouldn't act like she does around me. Logic doesn't work, faith isn't working, where the hell do u go to next. How much of ur inner fag to u hav to spill before something changes. She doesn't tell me nething but her thinking she can't hav friends cus they all get attracted to her. Well duh but I know whats real, my perspective crap doesn't just apply to my patheticness I can see right through a horny dude that would fuck her and leave her and someone like me. I hate those fuckers. They make her untrustworthy. They make her think I'm just another guy. One that will blow over his attraction. And I promise to neone I allow read this that I'm not. I don't bullshit people. I hate it, I hate the lies and deceit and I don't do it. least of all to someone I care that much about. I keep telling myself I'm dillusional. She doesn't like me at all. I take lil things that she sees as nothing and want to make them more. But she never confirms or denys ne of it. I don't care about the shit I've done in the past. I don't' think about that when I think of her. She's not sumthing to make up my past bullshit with. My good deed. That's fucked and never will be or was true. I don't want to give her ne drama or confusion but I can't be a person who goes with the flow when the flow says no…thing. I mean too soon after break up? Thinks I'm full of shit? Not religious? Cuss too much? Don't try enough? I'm too cute so it can't be looks . I just want to never stop talking cus that's all that happens in my head, nonstop whats and what ifs and why and when. Ugh this would be the most boring thing in the world to read. Nick acting like a bitch and ranting again. That's why its private, u asked for it. EVERY FUCKING THING I love about her. Even this game. The fact that she's that complex and could be going through the same crap I am is a good thing to me. She can do no wrong in my eyes. I hate the fact she wants to cut her hair but she can't be wrong, she's almost too beautiful. I don't want to be all creepy and look at her all the time but I'm literally captivated. I'm tired of headache and not sleeping and staring off into space and getting pissed at the thoughts of not making her my everything. I want to understand her, work out the inner puzzle. Everyone else wants to call what they have love then so be it. fuck them if they don't go through the same things I do. Just emptiness.
