DISCLAIMER: Back when I started writing, I had no qualms about rambling, shit punctuation, no paragraphs, and text speak versions of words. I didn't spell check. It's not until about the 20s of the blogs where I pretend I have a grasp of the English language.
How many ways are there to convey ur point to someone. I like to go with outright showing or telling of something. And what if that isn't working. Do u take the ballzy move and just go all out and hope for the best? That's pretty much what I think I'll have to do as much as I don't want to. When its all out on the table what else is there left to lose. I go over every senario as to why she won't just tell me to leave her alone. Why she would still flirt and play around when she knows, or at least I've told her, what it does to me. I mean ok college soon right, she doesn't want to be long distance? She doesn't like me and can't find the right words? She thinks I'm bullshitting her? She doesn't think I'm religious enough? And if its that one I'll be beyond pissed and say fuck religion and everything associated with it. if someone can make me change for the better and make me want to shower love and attention on them and that isn't good enough because of a rule in a religion, to me there is no more ludacris piece of bullshit reasoning in the word. And I even looked into religion things, like for me even not just to use as ammo in my arsenal of ways to get her. I refuse to live for "what if" it will not happen, I will fail in every way possible and look as stupid as can be, without going crazy mind you, before I technically give up. Why can't she just talk to me. Or say sumthing concrete that doesn't sound like its out of fear or frustration. I want to be told by her sincerely to give up and then I'll give up. But it never comes. I ask for it. I call out to be shot down and it comes in droplets of what sound like half truths and inconsistencies. My inner self is like, o hey good sign she's not totally dissing you. BUT she's super nice and I don't even know if she has the capability to tear my heart out BUT she's played with and said mean things to other people before and is perfectly comfortable doing it BUT they aren't as close to her as I am BUT shouldn' that make it easier to talk shit out? Its just a ping pong effect back and forth in my head and I hav to blog every fucking day about the same shit to stay sane. And then what would be the harm in trying. To give me that scrap of a bone and let me run with it. then when/if it failed (which I guarantee it wouldn't) then we could both say hey we saw what happened, no more confusion, blurred lines or hurt feelings. I mean I don't think she takes the situation as seriously as me but is she like afraid to fail with me? Could she possibly be thinking like me and just preferring to blow off the feelings and saying different excuses for why she feels things or for why I won't give up. That sounds like I'm some super awesome-o person that makes ppl feel like that but I don't fucking know what to think. I doubt that one, but to me it would make the most sense simply because only someone with as much bullshit in their head as me would react in completely unpredictable or non make sense-ical ways. When the time comes where all the cards are on the table I can only hope for some sort of settling or direction. I don't' want to burden her, I don't want to be some weird dude on the list, I don't want to make situations out of nothing. But I can't ignore me. And I want to shower affection on and love this person that is so special inside and out for ever and ever and work everyday at everything to make it so. Plain and simple to me. I can go off and "hook up" with neone. I can be fake and play the bullshit game of life but I don't want to nemore. and the more and more I think about how I feel for her the more I despise (though they were out of ignorance) the stupid shit I've done in the past. God supposedly gives signs right? Well there'd be no bigger sign with flashing lights and metallic colors that would tell me to get in touch with God and whatnot than if I can be her everything. Ok so main goal, no "what if" under ne circumstance. I will go down in flames….damnit. Go with the flow, as fucked as the flow is making me, its all I have.
