Prologue
Young
and blind, arrogant as the devil the little boy lived. Each day was a
flurry of excitement as he jumped from one adventure to the next. Be
it throwing rocks at the prissy girls who thought they could take his
tire thrown on the playground, or leading his pack of friends into
trouble with security at the local hotel, each day was carefree and
without thought. He went to school, came home and watched television,
and played outside like every other normal person. His parents lived
as happily as married parents do and tried with all their might to
set their child straight, instill good morals and values. This child
was smart as a tack, challenged any and all to games and puzzles that
would test him. The whole world was for him to take and he had not
seen it yet. With this child, so open, and free there always lies the
possibility for a fall. One that torments the mind and doubts the
soul. One that makes the eyes swell up and tear. It is always when
life can never be better that the sharp turn into nothingness is
taken.
Clause
1
He
never really noticed the girl other than for her pretty face. They
were just classmates in a band room of a school in a town. His
brimming self confidence and her reserved inner being conflicted so
this roaring lion was reduced to nothing but a pesky brother type. He
antagonized and played and each day went on and on and nothing ever
seemed to change. Throughout those days things at home began to
change for the boy. His parents began to fight more and stress was as
common as breathing or eating. After months of carrying on his
parents split up and unbeknown to him this sparked a change in the
boy.
From
those days on he began to think, not about it being his fault or how
depressing life could be, but instead just think about everything and
everyone all the time. He would play out their actions in his mind
and see how they affect his life even in the smallest and seemingly
insignificant times. He paid attention to all of his feelings
and learned how he could manipulate them, subdue them. Still pursuing
his outgoing and outlandish persona he never wanted to look weak and
despised the notion of other thinking less of him. He made promises
to himself that would be accomplished by no less than all of his
will. All of this swirling in the back of his head and never making
sense. Making itself known only in his dreams that would wake him to
find his heart racing and legs twitching. Time moves on. The days go
on much like they always had. Now he went to school, came home to a
distraught mother, played outside, and slept like the dead. He still
thought all the time yet never acknowledged it, maybe hoping that
over time his subconscious would disappear and he would never have to
face the questions and realizations that were screaming to be
acknowledged.
His
mother never seemed to help any situation. She would shed constant
unwanted and unneeded worry upon the household. She had the same
affect on the boy as all other people do. He began to feel no
connection or bond, simply another being that needs to be tied into
intricate webbing of those in his immediate surroundings. She tried
to restrict him. Govern like the all knowing mother she knew she was.
This would fuel a flame more than either would expect. Unable to deal
with her own grief and mind she dumped herself onto the boy and his
brother. He could not feel sorry for her.
Clause
2
Perhaps it was
coming of age or perhaps it was his new found perception but things
began to significantly change within the boy. He began to see himself
as somewhat of a rebel. Bad ass mother fucker in later day terms. He
knew he was smart, he knew what he had to say to get by, and he had
the arsenal of friends and bad ideas to bring it to fruition. Now
when he went to school he did not antagonize out of blind youthful
exuberance, he did it because he could and it satisfied his
devilishly ingrained thoughts. This new gift would fuel every
decision. He was not the all A student anymore? Fuck it, who cared,
he would get by and no one would ask enough questions to make him
feel like they cared. No one could ever make him feel anymore. The
time bomb in his mind was beginning to sink in and each day he faced
another realization and truth that perhaps he was not ready to deal
with. So he used it as fuel to make his mind stronger. He knew just
how horrible a person could be, just want they could accomplish, and
where their actions could take them. He reveled in this realization.
The
pretty girl passes by his right side…
Clause
3
Fun was not fun
anymore. Excitement was nothing but a mere word of the past with no
real connection in his mind. Of course there were high points here
and there. Going from one extreme to the next proved to be unhealthy
after a while. All the while time kept coming and going. The boy new
he was getting older. Each year would bring more responsibly and
teenage thoughts would try to fuck with his mental system. This would
never deter him though. Any and every question or thought was to be
pissed off about or complained about. How can one get by if their
constantly trying to solve every little thing that pops into their
mind? They can't, and their weak if they try. The shell of the boy
existed on. The constant struggle to grasp something real and teenage
urge to be perverted, troublesome, and destructive propelled the
laundry list of bad decisions over the years. Connections to friends
were broken. Not by the times and circumstances but by something
deeper that the boy could not control.
Clauser
4
Flash to high
school. Here is where the boy senses that he is finally setting into
his "true" self. He prided himself and stringing together
curse verse of which none could challenge. He cared for nothing but
himself. Any and everything he knew he could work over and he did
work them over. Any sense of virtue or innocence was in bolts of
absent thinking before the boy could catch himself. He tried and
succeeded to push away anything that did not have his minds stamp of
approval posted all over it. This game was getting old. He hungered
for reason and purpose……..
Tap,
tap, tap, tap, concert B flat scale. He heard the band playing and
realized he had missed the entrance. He liked music, hated the class,
but liked music and was good at playing. It took ten minutes of a
Green Day album to make him appreciate and sense what music really
did for him. Always next to him throughout the years was the pretty
girl. He never really thought about her but she always was in his
head. He was just asshole boy with no real positive feature that
could woo one such as her so what did he care? So time went on.
Clause
5
With the sin belt
ever increasing with girls and property in the wake, the boy knew
that while he feasted off of this lifestyle that urged him to keep
going and throw out feeling it was taking its toll. He wanted to
break down but would cease to see himself as a man if he did. He made
newer, greater visions of the future for himself, filled with money
and parties and people. As with all things though he would think
about it all, over and over, until it was picked apart and made him
feel unfulfilled yet again. Where would it end? Only a little bitch
would commit suicide. While he tried to work things in his favor he
never had the urge to ruin or play with his friend's lives to suit
his urges. There was no group that he wanted to claim. He was just an
outspoken thinker. He prayed for a change.
Clause
6
Life will find you
at every point you are not ready for it and all you can do is sit
back and pray it is a good surprise. Maybe it's the magic of summer
or just something in the air but when it happened it was as though
the boulder had finally rolled off and shattered that ice that was
this boy. There are not enough words to depict how it really felt.
Her warmth, curled up body pressed closely to his. The ever present
sent of her hair flowing up through his nose and blanketing his head.
Heartbeats and breaths in sink. Hs mind, with all its jittering and
babbling, got lost in night and was silent. The sleeping souls around
them provided the most surreal ambiance of relaxation and serenity.
How was it possible for people to survive as long as the boy had
without a feeling like this?
Clause
7
The wave of
questions and wonders and hopes and dreams barraged the boy every
day. Wasn't she with someone? Did he do something good? Can this go
anywhere? Should he talk about it? An endless stream toyed with his
insecurities. He was strong and could deal with it, no thought had
ever bested him and God forbid it happen now. Each week the same
overwhelming happiness set in and when he thought he could not handle
another minute of it, gone. With new turmoil comes new clarity. The
boy began to get in touch with the kind of person he really was and
knew he could be. There was no need to deny feelings. He just would
not allow them to control his actions like they did with his parents.
Instead he realized it was important to act on them in order to make
the true statement about who he really was.
Clause
8
He let her in. She
was not the simple pretty face he has always known but the keeper of
his feelings. She held the key that unlocked thoughts about the
meanings of life and the important of love. He made himself there for
her. He offered his advice and concern during the troublesome times
of her life. He became the big brother. This simply would not do. He
pressed his attack and made his intentions clear. Like night and day
she would either play into it with her flirtatious nature or look at
him like he was on drugs. With every attempt that failed his pride
and heart were diminished. He lashed out at this feeling by divulging
back into his self destructive ways of the past, only to feel
terrible about it later. This roller coaster of emotion and new
pieces to the ever growing puzzle had not end in sight.
Clause 9
He did not know if
he was going crazy, literally. Never very if at all religious he
began to look for signs to maybe confirm or deny his actions, no
longer able to count on his thought process as a reliable source. It
would take a sentence or an action from her to strike a chord that
rang so loud and deep and in the boy that to try and explain it would
take so much away and denounce it happened. Here is this confused
being, getting lost in signs and stomach dropping feelings that has
not made any real connection with anyone who may be able to
sympathize or offer advice. Perfect. When worse comes to worse
you will find that you can always bitch about your issues to your
best friend. And the boy's came in handy to pick up spirits and renew
faith countless times. Another sign? Who knew? And the boy did not
care to think about it anymore.
Clause 10
Cat and mouse has
yet to end. Grasping for the hand of God and truly beginning to
believe he might have to let go of the one thing he has ever held
precious in the world the boy writes, looking for a path of
enlightenment. He does not want to play that games he used to. He
does not want to rely on the old adages, though helping him to become
the person he is, are not righteous or worthy. He broke down one
night and felt like he could truthfully pray and ask for help. He
doesn't know if that would help him and realizes that he truly knows
nothing. One can only live each day with actions derived from their
feelings that define who they are as one of God's children. He knows
he is the loving, deep feeling person that is committed to proving
his worth to the one he wants to live his life for. As long as he
sticks to that path, he is never lost, or alone.
