I think there are times when your true
self can really shine. One thing I’ve tried to consistently shy
away from is a growing habit of being one way or another. I’ll
allow myself to be awkward or shy or dumb. It helps to keep me in
check. It’s one thing to have a perspective and completely another
to be dominated by it. It’s not cool to be too cool nor should you
ever consider yourself that smart. If you choose to capitalize on one
thing, do you dare forget what you may be sacrificing?
In a sense, it’s rather boring having
your priorities in order. There doesn’t appear to be much wiggle
room for some “crazy shit” to just happen or some new worthwhile
memory to sneak itself in. Like, I’ve always pretty much hated the
bar scene. I don’t mind a fuck ton of drunk people or loud music.
I’ve just never understood spending a shit ton of money to be
around people who are significantly prettier in the dark on the off
chance you’ll find the right words to fuck a girl you’re not
totally but just enough into.
You can look at a bar scene as a
microcosm in power playing. Are you sporting the right look? Can you
bring the right comments or perfectly time your smile? It’s just
not exciting, or meaningful, or even a challenge. I may have to
severely reevaluate my whore status when I have someone cute
practically thrown at me and it’s like “eh, but what does this
say about me?”
When I experience anxiety, it comes
from not making up my mind. I know how to handle myself in a violent
situation. I know what needs to be said or not during a bar hook up,
and I can talk my way into them laughing at me when the cops show up.
Anxiety comes from confusion. It’s who I’m going to be in this
moment and why. Luckily, I sort of default to a kind of boring lame
representation if only to quell potential drama, but I’m very not
convinced that will consistently win out as time goes on.
I wonder how, even with the potential
anxiety of not making up my mind, that I have such a sense of self.
Why do I consider myself worthy of or pursuing a purpose? What
clicked with me to find a sense of responsibility to myself or to
different people in my life? This especially with the ability
and…temptation?...to be any number of other things. Yet I can
always rely on myself when things get “serious.”
Even to presumed friends, if you want
to start flitting with a line, it doesn’t matter my mood, my mind
finds itself prepared to be the worse person you know. This always
happens. I never am without a comment or a prepared course of action
if things get “serious.” I suppose the thinking tactician would
try to catch me off guard in a questionable middle ground, but fuck
you I just pointed it out so it can’t be that vulnerable
Do you get opportunities to show your
“true” self? Do you see the flicker of what’s really happening
deep inside presented to you as an opportunity to display it for the
rest of the world? I’ve always fashioned myself as someone who
seems to see that potential in people. Of course, I never like to
bring it up or discuss it with them as it just sort of spoils the fun
and alters the future. I need to make sure Marty McFly’s mom gets
fucked by the right guy or things get complicated.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what
it means to be “smart” or “too smart” or “insane.” I
like the quote about technology advancing to a point where if you
couldn’t really understand it, it would be tantamount to magic. I’d
like to think people can operate this way as well. I really hesitate
to consider myself smart, but I’m totally onboard with toying with
insane or different. And in the right context, it really doesn’t
matter. What does it mean to have a potentially megalomaniacal
understanding of something you don’t really want anything to do
with? Are your talents even worthwhile or just a cumbersome hiccup in
your ability to cope?
I don’t do enough and I don’t know
when I’ll feel like I do. I haven’t learned enough for the sake
of learning, I haven’t given enough for the sake of giving, and I
certainly haven’t been able to project an envisioned lifestyle to
the extent I think it deserves. Every little side road decision is a
joke when I think about all that I’m not doing. Of course I didn’t
fuck the girl at the bar, of course I didn’t cut that friend down
when they pushed, of course I landed on a few more words stated
slightly differently a few more times.
