I
just want to brain dump. No promise of continuity or clarity.
I
think I define stupid differently from most people. I think it’s
stupid to not understand your life under a greater backdrop. If
something feels super awesome and compelling in a moment, or even for
a period of time, I think to consider it in a bubble is naïve. I
think I see a lot of people get hurt and defensive when they do this.
I also think that just because you can “get by” behaving a stupid
way, it doesn’t mean it’s justified, healthy, or worthwhile. I
think this applies frequently to relationships, but also with work
and the varying degrees of drama you’re willing to put up with from
friends or yourself.
I
think I often understand where people are coming from and simply
can’t make myself respect it. I’m rarely convinced, not so much
that someone isn’t thinking it through, but that they’re
sacrificing a kind of understanding about themselves or the context
for the short term satisfaction. Yes, this can apply to myself as
well, but I’m biased towards my reasoning and generally don’t
catch flak when I explain the details behind a seemingly
contradictory action or position. I’m ever unimpressed when I
challenge someone to do the same. It’s confusing why you have to
get so angry.
I
think I get lost in the details of trying to talk to people when I’m
not positive what my voice is. I adopt so many hats to fit a
situation, I endlessly find a way around or the proper tone or do
whatever it takes that to presume I have a sort of solid-state of
identity starts to become ludicrous. The best thing I can do to help
define myself is in the things I do or the company I keep. Clearly
some form of agenda makes itself present by what you enable. It’s
because of this I don’t feel lost, but it’s no less a distraction
when I scrutinize every word when all I had to do was get the point
across.
I
wonder to what degree my capacity to be a loner affects my
relationships. I certainly make clear lines and experience different
levels of comfort depending on who I’m around and for how long. But
I wonder if there’s something psychologically deeper going on. I
think more intriguing the idea that other people could perceive a
change when my mind goes to cavernous secret space. I’m also happy
that being a loner doesn’t mean feeling alone. No matter what I do,
I never feel just isolated. In fact, a feeling of isolation prompts a
kind of freedom to start exploring.
I’m
quite intrigued by the concept of a “voice.” It harps on ideas of
an identity or soul or some timeless essence. It doesn’t matter
when you hear it, it can apply to different things at different
points, and if you’re familiar with where it came from you can
identify it “naturally.” I think the only way to have a voice is
to use it frequently. If you’re not saying anything, people can’t
even pretend to grasp where you’re coming from. I also think you
need to act in line with what you say. When you’re real world
examples line up so nicely with your words, it builds trust and
integrity and you’re given a form of power.
I
think people crave power, but only because they feel helpless. It’s
always kind of disturbing to me when I see what lengths people are
willing to go to essentially mimic the failed positions of their
predecessors. There’s only real power is foregoing being a slave to
it. Again, it’s being effortless. When you make a decision, roll
with it. When you make a friend, stick to them. If you create
something, stand by and celebrate it. To take pride in your journey
allows you to focus on making the most of it without endless
re-contextualizing in lieu of unrealized and unreasonable futures.
I’m
marginally concerned that nothing I do or say regarding time will
translate to other people. Money can always be made, stuff can always
be bought or acquired, time you never get back. I don’t think other
people think about time like that. I think time is like a puzzle
people try to fill in well in advance. I’ll get married here, I’ll
get promoted here, I’ll have kids here, I think a vacation around
this time would be nice, maybe around the year 2030 I’ll be able to
do this. I think this is small. I think it’s somehow
psychologically comforting and provides a false sense of security. I
think it locks you into a box of limited potential when the reality
is infinite.
The
non-respect thing plays heavily into my psychological capacity to do
things. Your “manager” title means nothing to me. Your official
stature or professional air doesn’t resonate. Surely, for
practical reasons I don’t tell you this or treat you differently,
but god forbid you catch a glimpse of my eyes or smile. What sucks is
that I wouldn’t mind actually being told what to do by someone who
really had a grasp of what they were doing. It’s not that I merely
hate taking orders, it’s simply the vast majority of orders I’ve
taken have been ill-timed, wastes of effort, or utter bullshit.
I
also think about the idea of “different” or “special.” Again,
these only make sense in a context or relative timeframe, but I’m
speaking about something more than circumstantial difference. Of
course every one of my friends is different, but who’s really
different. As far as I know, I’m the only one who
semi-consistently yells fuck in a crowded room or concerns myself
with “fixing the world.” Who are the Jeremy Gotwals' and Mickey
Woods that can be used as definers of the genre. I have similar
friends who want to own businesses or hold similar ideas about
relationships. At that level then I have a group of really
different people against the world at large. In a band,
you have maybe a hundred people who play an instrument, but who’s
the musician and why?
I
remember what it was like to have an amazing memory and endless
focus. When I thought you could simply explain to religious people
all the things they didn’t know, I learned a ton and I learned
fast. You develop habits that beget more knowledge and you have
default methodologies to engaging with people who don’t even
understand they’re entering the conversation at a predictable and
calculable level. Whether your measuring their disposition, their
ability to concede, their insistence on a particular point, or some
overall idea regardless of the details, when you engage enough, you
know where it can go or not.
That
period reminds me of my capacity, but it’s spoiled my present. I
don’t need to learn anymore that people are intractable. I’m
sold. As much as it sometimes makes me sick, people will pull on
their feelings before they count something. The world literally looks
to me like, “hey, there are 4 beans in this jar” and someone
tells me “no no no, because I feel like this or want to define
‘bean’ differently there’s really only 3.”
And
I know people think that I’m trying to exude a kind of ego or
dominance or maybe intellectual certitude. I really have no defense
against that. I don’t know how to sound less that way when I’m
not making a personally compelling argument. I don’t lead with “I
feel like.” I reference studies or numbers. Those make people feel
bad; therefore, I’m missing the hidden specialness of their
position.
I hate the idea of
people knowing they are hiding more than the hiding itself. It’s
one thing to grow up afraid or strangled by a context that you don’t
know any better. This is why I hate the smart people. They make more
excuses and justifications than any idiot. Idiot’s just roll with
it and think it’s matter-of-fact. Smart people know they’re being
ridiculous and then hide. They know they’re being dishonest and try
to employ guilt for poking at their system or some other form of
straw-man. That’s where you find a true definition of hypocrisy.
