I love when serious problems arise so I
can use my genuine pissed the fuck off tone addressing something
important. First and foremost, who in their right mind ever thinks
that the most belligerent, random, hurtful, or wtf comments I make
are true!? How fucking ridiculous of a person do you have to
be to believe that is the genuine level of discourse or thought I
have about a particular person or topic?
For example, my friends could have died
tonight. You know what I’d be doing if they had? JOKING. I’d be
making horrendous jokes about death and who they were fucking with in
heaven and what it’s going to mean for my rent. I don’t really
know if it says more about me that this is my way, or you if you
think I simply give that little of a fuck. If I’m ever in a
situation like that, I EXPECT you to do the same thing. If I come out
of something looking like I won first place in a burn victim contest,
you better notice! This life is a terrifying, violent, random, fucked
up place where reality T-bones you with a pleasant reminder it can be
over now. I’ve accepted this and make light of it. Your inability
to do so doesn’t give you license to judge where the fuck I’m
coming from.
So let’s get even more personal.
Maybe if I can be so callous and non-caring about the very life of my
friends, I can’t possibly give a shit about the girl I’ve
basically been with for 2 ½ years right? Obviously when I’m poking
fun or making a comment, I really just like to make her feel bad or
am such a loner and insecure, there’s some weird little
pathological game we play back and forth that feeds into things. I
don’t know who feels themselves so informed as to put someone in a
position that they feel they have to “justify” why they’re with
someone. This is such an immediately “what the fuck let’s stop
and reassess” situation.
I know I’m a “bully” or pick on
people or have an endless array of comments. I know how completely
fucking annoying I can be. But fuck you in your fucking ass if you
would think for a second that I’m going to allow you to harbor
thoughts or commentary bordering on what you’d pull from a battered
woman’s pamphlet. You know the first thing I tell anyone that
remotely thinks they want to get close to me? It’s be prepared for
me to do or say something that’s “the worst.” The worst you can
feel, the worst you can imagine, the worst you might have to “roll
with” and not “justify.” Do you know why I’m comfortable
issuing such a warning? I don’t really have the capacity to
understand how “WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK” something I say is ringing
red flags in your head. I get I can set people off, I have no metric
for what’s bad, the worst, “unsayable,” “too much,” or
sometimes even “mean.” I simply know that people react,
and say “I’ve adopted an ‘oh well’ mentality, you might like
to as well.”
I am King Jaded. I’m stuck on
sarcastic. I’m always going to default to what’s “the worst.”
Being able to see through that is the very oddball connection I’ve
managed with a handful of people. Kristen is one of them. If I ever
was truly that fucking bad to the point where her/our friends or
family were speaking up, I’d be the first to say she needed to get
the fuck away from me. But this isn’t the story I hear. I hear that
it’s both me being insensitive to how I’m perceived by other
people, but also their concerns or worries that back her into a
corner. I can tone down comments or address a genuine concern. I
can’t sit and watch her be sad because people are giving her shit
about me. You fucking come to me, or us, or you shut your fucking
mouth. You don’t give her shit because you know she won’t bite.
Every day I remind myself that I don’t
really believe or understand how I managed to have someone like her
in my life. Someone who says they don’t want rules. Is willing to
accept me for all the weird shit that I may say or the lack of
feelings I may have towards things. That’s the relationship I’m
concerned with keeping. Fuck all of you if you don’t “get it.”
You can fucking rot. I’ll make sure things are right between me and
her. You want the epitome of someone who cares and takes on the
feelings or responsibility of things completely beyond what should be
her problems, it’s her. The most fucked up part about people giving
her shit, is that she would feel embarrassed looking like a “charity
case” because her friends would get her something like a bed. Who
the fuck would give someone the impression that your friends care
about you and buying you something is anything less than your friends
caring about you and buying you something? What kind of sick fuck?
I’m happy to take responsibility for
the shit that I say. I’ll defend or change, it’s simple. I have
no control over whatever extra noise comes in making the people I
care about uncomfortable or sad. So this is my attempt to step in
front of it all. If you feel like you have to “justify” anything
about me, get the fuck out of my life. If you find fault with how I
treat my relationships and it just bugs you to your core, find the
balls to even whisper it in my direction. And if you think for a
second I’m going allow simple misunderstandings, overblown feelings
and reactions, utter speculation and judgment, or personal
insecurities start to fuck with the relationships I care about the
most…really think about ways you don’t want me to react.
