Humanity is a
circle-jerk. I know I like to usually go with calling things
patterns, but we’re much more passionate about jerking off. Take a
look at a book store; “Here’s my struggle to success as a
swimmer, tennis player, or minesweep champion.” You’re one
dramatic picture away from taking a bunch of “cool and interesting”
stories about yourself, slapping the picture on a cover, and calling
it a book. Or look what happens to people when they reach a certain
age. “Look how amazing my boy/girlfriend is!” Now is the time to
start collecting as many other couples as we can so we can digress
about those things couples do. How exciting! I initially started
vocal musings about playing music. The most dramatic, up their own
ass, incessantly focusing on their problems bands tend to be the
“best” or get the most notoriety. Getting good at a sport,
becoming a professional musician, or getting really good and fucking
your spouse are these super “personal” things that become
glorified and manifest as culture.
I’m not saying at this point that
this is necessarily good or bad; I just want things to be
acknowledged for what they are. Indiana University, for example, is a
business. They may “bring the magic of music” for thousands of
kids or help with scholarships, they also throw many in state
students under the bus for Asians and kids from Long Island. Is it
that you believe in the music program when you donate money, or do
you fall in love with the atmosphere of prestige and project your
personal experiences over the very obvious and business-wise
pragmatism of the school? Recalling your experiences to obfuscate
what actually happens is the kind of circle-jerking I refer to when I
contemplate the demise of our species.
Now there is great utility in
circle-jerking to be sure. God forbid everyone just remain completely
unengaged or bored. I’m sure the quieting impact of videogames and
music and relationships does a great deal for the masses. I just
don’t know if the good outweighs the bad. I think the good can be
thought of in a different way so the bad doesn’t get hidden away or
made excuses for.
I’m concerned about this because I’m
concerned for the well-being of people and how they organize their
minds. If there is a more intelligent way to think about yourself or
how and why you engage in activities, I think it should be preferred
over defaulting to a set of behaviors that, upon reflection, only
bring fleeting fulfillment, regret, or stress. It’s not hard to
get into a relationship because that’s what you’re “supposed to
do” and over a period of time come to lament who you’ve become or
what you’ve perpetuated. You won’t have to look very hard for the
kid who pursued most everything in their life at the beckoning of
their parents, only to be shocked or horrified at the revelation that
they may have had more of a choice the whole time.
If I don’t feel like I have anything
to contribute, that’s when I start to get bored. If I didn’t seek
to start a conversation or become better informed or challenge a
perception for the goal of a clearer head and less stress, I wouldn’t
say anything. The same reason I haven’t become dramatically better
in guitar is the same I haven’t become insanely informed to the
level I am/did with religion vs science stuff. I thought then that I
could contribute something; so naïve, right? ;) When you’re not
needed, and you really only get something from being someone for
someone or about something, you just kind of sit back and watch. I
simmer.
:: paused for 3 days and thusly picked
back up ::
My current form of circle jerking is
this cab job, real estate (to an extent), reading up on things that I
hope upon hearing about them again later they will click a little
faster, and brushing up on basic musical stuff. My position in
society semi-forces me to do this because of bills. There always has
to be something on the horizon or I can’t justify my life. Right
now, I’m responsible to my friends and family who don’t really
expect much more of me than what I’m doing now. It’s nice enough,
but I can’t deny the utility of pressure. Many, if not most, people
are “self-motivated” but the tools need to be there to
incentivize.
I will however make a Declaration of
Intent never to settle. The second I feel trapped or like some window
is closing in over my life, I’m immediately hauling ass somewhere
far and random. I’d rather get skinny not having too much to eat
and sleep on a beach then feel complacent and complicit in an
inadequate future I didn’t dictate for myself. If only I could get
better at having other people tell me what to do. Or, what if I could
just forget how to read and how to remember what I’ve read. No,
magic forces of the universe, this isn’t a call to be maimed in a
car accident to the point of full retarded or anything.
Can you tell I probably fell off my
initial train of thought when this began? Go Cubs!
