I try very hard to be what I say about myself. Not all the jokes hit. Not all the ideas rest neatly in your heads. But the last thing I think you can say about me is that I’m faking it. Now this seems all well and good when you look at the surface bullshit things about me and think I’m professing my realness like some overzealous teenager. I’m not trying to flip the bird and scream I don’t give a fuck. I’m trying to say that I hope my example translates how I mean it to and not what people would project or assume.
I feel free, to the extent I’m able, but there is no better way to describe what I crave or wish for other people. Just, at the very least, be as much you as you actually can or have ever even hinted at wanting to be. If you’re cute, stop pretending otherwise. If you’re smart, sometimes it’s safe to shove humble up your ass. If you’re unsure, the amount of fear and anxiety associated is directly proportional to how often and whether you act in spite of it all. Own it all.
Now that I’ve established my friends as the case study, I feel it ever more important to state things plainly You are never and not alone. Do you understand that? Friendship is a support group. The ones who don’t support, don’t make it into the group. You’re not stranded on the highway. You’re not alone in a fight. You’re never too broke or without a second option or chance. This scrapes the surface of the commitment I want towards my friends.
Fun fact; Of course I’m talking about you, but I’m not JUDGING, dun dun dun, you. I may have to talk callously or freely associate and circle around until I get somewhere, but guess what, I’ve made peace, to the extent that I can, with the fact that people don’t reach the same places at the same time and I don’ t seek to make that your problem. I don’t want to add to your potential fears or insecurities. I don’t tell you I think you’re cute or intriguing because I secretly had some shitty thought I’m trying battle against. I’m not stoking an ego out of pity. My head isn’t racing with excuses for your behavior; I’m not trying to justify some action of mine that treats you differently. I’m hopefully, clearly, going to be me, and what’s apparently less clear is I genuinely want you to be you.
And there’s the rub.
I think I see more in you than you wish to reflect back towards me. I’d like to just claim “super perception” and put another sticker next to the word ego, but I’ll go self-conscious about it instead. Am I doing a bad job at being a friend? Am I not a safe investment? Am I a liar or impossibly naïve to an extent that it hurts me or my friends? Am I whitewashing my conception of myself as a person with an overbearing or over extended character? I think I do an injustice to my cause by scaring people away or giving them an easy out to compartmentalize my behavior. If such is the case, it simply won’t do.
Whether I’m dead on in my observations or experiments, I’m ever so rarely completely off the mark. My best guide is history. I notice curiosity or affection. I can hear doubt. There’s a difference between the “healthy skepticism” of being someone perpetually in thought, and the laborious monkey on your back reminding you to “keep it cordial.” Seriously, if that’s all you want, we’re never going to be that good of friends. I respect people who take risks, and honesty tends to carry with it a potentially high level for being risky.
I can’t be a better person if I can’t be kept in check or focused on the correct things. If you genuinely believe something about my character or commentary, we’re not going to stop being friends because you brought it up. I feel like there is a powerful fear that “things will change” or someone will flip a switch in how they treat you if things got too serious. I don’t want to feel that about you, and you certainly don’t need to fear it from me. Passionate discourse and self-exploration will only endear me to you more. But these things apparently take time, and very deliberate dialogue. If my understanding of most people is they barely grasp how or why they do things, try squeezing workable or motivated assessments out of that.
My issue is a false perception of peaking. It’s really just frustration for all I see and the interesting potential conclusions or conversations not taking place. I get too brazen and bored and just kind of destroy little bridges because they’re only gearing up to take me where I’ve been before. It’s severe enough for me to talk myself out of being a pervert or too flirty if that’s any indication. I can’t qualify myself as healthy if I’m making a game out of my friends. I can’t feel or give respect if we’re not capable of recognizing and discussing potentials. Neither of us is that special and yet potentially the most important persons to each other given some circumstance. Does that conception wax and wane like the feelings of a confused teen? Or is it based on something insidiously honest and intrinsic to the interplay of our characters?
I may not always be able to guess or infer what you’ve genuinely hidden away. I will always notice what you explicitly show me. I don’t think enough rules and understandings have been agreed upon in order to address some topics without them inevitably degrading into a fight or awkward situation; that only serving to impede conversation even further. But I don’t feel the need for the insecurity and thrive on trying to be trustworthy. The more “risks” you take in how we relate to each other, the better person I think I can become. I take a chance every time I open my play book and very often when I open my mouth. I’ll let you freely misinterpret or misunderstand me, but god forbid it hangs you up on some final judgment. We’re works in progress till the day we die.
Barring some unforeseen overblown mind boggling realization of incompatibility, I’m going to be your friend if you’ll have me. I want to know everything I’m good for. Test me. I'll just go to waste otherwise.
