I
like being drunk. Let me tell you why.
Drunk affords opportunities. For me, it makes me feel like a kid. Let me elaborate. When I'm sober, things are “meh.” They happen. You feel good or bad about something, I hear about it, all I can do is go, yep, that in fact happened, let's see if you'll do something smart to follow. I beat into the ground terms like “relative sociopath” for this reason. I will likely never find the amount of words to describe just how little a shit I care about most things. Like, it's probably problematic because it presents a giant empathy-devoid wall between me and most of how people operate. It will likely be a theme I run with in future blogs. Just get it now, it matters.
But it all changes with alcohol! It's lighter. It's the kind of feeling laden honesty that you expect from a “normal human being.” I feel like a kid again. It's valid when I tell you you're cute. My “hatred” stems from a more real place. Things matter. All that I'm concerned with is that you understand what's brewing in my gut because god dammit, IT'S BREWING IN MY GUT!
And I like this. I like it a lot! I don't want to get bogged down in pretext in games and odd agendas with marginally stated goals. It's important to me to have some kind of beacon, in whatever form it takes shape, and express the sort of “ground floor” of where I'm coming from. A person with this many ideas of manipulating and carrying on with reckless abandon to many kinds consequences treats this level of pure base expression as a drug.
It just feels like an opportunity. As long as I'm able to think myself left or right, I'm not going to be able to act “fundamentally.” And it's everything I want to see in people as well. If you black out and turn violent, I think that's an important thing to know about yourself. I don't like the idea of being afraid of yourself. If I manage to not remember something, it's usually some heartfelt diatribe about how much fun I'm having with who's ever in the room. I'm not scared to do or say something stupid because it seems as if there's a fairly clear line between “who you are” and “what the fuck alcohol had to do with your personality.” I think people are general pussies when it comes to playing this game.
I don't think being drunk invalidates a position. When you feel something at your peak earnest, how you got there is frankly irrelevant to me. There always seems to be this underlying world that people are afraid to access. It's the only world I care about. I'd rather try to relate at that level and have everything go to shit than pretend like I care about anything else. And this is what I'm after in other people.
I don't mind feeling. I don't think it's bad or wrong or in and of itself a bad thing. And being a few beers in, just before I'm racist or sexist for no reason, it's like a reminder of how normal people behave. I get to just be someone who's experiencing instead of dictating. I want you to say that thing you'd never say. I want you to contemplate why you fell face first down that level of stairs. For me, it unlocks a kind of potential and perspective that I cherish. I think at the very least it can provoke a level of introspection that being a whiny “intellectual” can't afford you.
It can be fun. It can be an opportunity. I don't want to spend my time justifying that which seems simple and obvious.
There's a whole "why can't you just be/feel/think yada yada while your're sober" discussion that if I had the right answers to I would have already written about so preempt something or go fuck yourself ;).
