I might be diving into an empty pool,
so here's to breaking your neck.
By now, you probably know I don't qualify any sort of overall purpose to life. This leaves many with a void filled with fairy tales and excuses. This creates a dialogue designed to evade and defend. And as long as it's personal nobody bats an eye. They don't care what your hobbies are, how you make your money, what you really think about some topic or generally whether you're even qualified to engage with said topic.
People are “polite.” If you're fat, maybe you can't control it. If you smell, they'll just stand up wind. The word “offense” takes the form of a divining rod used to beat away that which makes you uncomfortable or assaults your moral sensibilities. People can argue sometimes to the point of breaking years long friendships or until their families lie in the wake. This, for what seems to be a general idea of Almighty Me.
I think I see and engage with this politeness because there's an idea that no one should step on my toes and I won't theirs. No real definition of what that stepping would look like. No real appreciation for whether or not struggling with a topic could breed new insight. Just a common sense that it's none of your business, nor any of mine, let's carry on well-enough until we die.
Given my inability to do magic and utter hatred for excuses, I dictate a purpose. Why value the system I would put in place? Because I want to be “scientific” about it. I want my toes stepped on. I rank, I judge, I get bored of people who pretend they don't. All you doctors, volunteers, teachers, or general “when I give a fuck, my job contributes to human well being” you're the best! You win, at least in that area in life, and provided you're actually helping and not “just doing a job.” I'm not saying you have to care, I'm saying you can't take your position for granted and get lazy. I think society owes you for this.
I then wonder what gives people that charge. Why doctor, or educator, or well digger. Surely some people do it because of familial or society pressure, or maybe they could just afford to do so and then why not. Hopefully most do it because they feel a genuine sense of reward or accomplishment. I have to think, a fair amount go into because of Almighty Me. “I”m a doctor!” You can shout because every test you took and all the money you'll eventually make speaks to who you are as a person, right? Because we need things to speak to who we are as people.
I certainly do. My preferred method has been to primarily treat people I think are examples of something to the kinds of luxuries I believe my dad has afforded me. No, I don't treat people like my kids, but I come from a privileged place. I want you to feel as if you do to. YOU, not people. You could take every worst day of my life and them combined wouldn't stand to the kinds of horrible shit that happens all around the world daily. In mostly spite of all that, the kind of, freedom, I feel to be me and pursue, or not, whatever I want in life is something I'd like to share. It's a lifestyle I think has important consequences.
It's indulgent. Every self-serving blog speaks to it. In doing so though, it becomes reflective. At least I generally know why I'm doing something. And it extends beyond trivialities like “the bills need to be paid.” It also, for better or worse, and this is from my small perspective, seems to put me somewhere different. Whatever my Almighty Me is, it's something that seems to stick out to people. With the capacity to refer to myself as nothing special, this discrepancy with my opinion I think is noteworthy.
I don't feel there's anything to defend, so to speak. I'm prepared to explain or change. Or explain then change. Or just not be so attached to what my world looks like right here and now. And I hold with the highest regard people of the same capacity.
I think I sometimes want to see the same capacity in other people. I think I may often give them too much credit. One way I seem to recognize this is in how someone's pattern plays out. Usually, it's not just theirs, but how it compares to what I've heard from other people. Do you know why I can't develop a drug habit? I don't think I could sound out the words people with drug habits state without punching myself in the balls. I mean, I hit myself in the face the last time I heard someone say “well you have your opinion and I have mine.”
The problem is, I can't tell if I want to see something in people, or if I need to. I can't tell if there's a part of my psychology or potential for happiness that is directly tied to the amount of “real people” I get to engage with. Sure, I want people to be thoughtful and indulge and do really whatever they want to do to their heart's content. But is everyone responsible enough? Is everyone capable of the kind of appreciation and respect it takes to do more than merely “get away with” living the lives they lead? Of this I'm not so sure.
I generally talk about the negative consequences of having such views about people. They're always pushing a rock up a hill only for me to find a reason to kick it back down. But it's not really like that. The rocks I leave alone seem to miss something at a fundamental level. There's a lack of affirmation, not so much a crazy fallout. It's something I usually don't care to challenge for the sake of having friends. It's a reminder that “awareness” is not a blanket term or capacity of those who claim they have it. While I'm hoping to have new things, especially dicks, thrust in front of my face to think about, I feel like I'm playing with fire every time I think about putting something new in front of someone else.
As someone who could likely find good reason to hate most people, it's why I'm stuck having to be about people. I have to find room to care, ways to relate, reasons to believe. It's too easy to write everyone off and get under an Almighty Bubble where my categorizing makes more sense. I take it seriously what you think, and why you think, because it's going to potentially affect long term consequences in my behavior and how I treat people down the line. I just wish they'd take more care in figuring out their whys. Especially why they'd allow themselves to look like something that can be summed up so easily. As if they'd even know or that it's my place to pretend.
It's sad, it truly is, to think of myself as even remotely the best or better at caring about something as “obvious” as a relationship; Who you are, who I am, what that means to us. It's sad because I'm a horrible person who likes making an example of people who can't handle a kind of back-and-forth open dialogue, navigate around the cuss words dynamic. It's sad because I genuinely forget people who've been friends. If it isn't just me. If everyone's like me, but just...more conservative? Less precise? Then the only real problems are the giant lies I'm offered about conduct or respect. Then, I can't even write things off as “it's just stupid people.” At that point it's what? Some kind of ironic war with myself?
