[180] Some Agenda

I think regardless of your title, your job position, or your "years of experience," you can still be incompetent. The single most annoying things I'm faced with when trying to launch this green enterprise is how resolved people are to taking too much time and piling on red tape. I don't understand why there are so many barriers to progress. One idea; take a run down, either abandoned or neglected property, and fix it up into a zero energy building where it can both showcase to and teach people what they can do in their homes or businesses. This simple, seemingly reasonable idea involves permits, liability, zoning, petitioning, "pre-planning," and a scavenger hunt for people with the know how and (they say time) Will to do it. Some variant of this process applies to other green goals as well as the dead and gone groups of IU can testify.

I believe the reason this is so complicated is because those in charge allowed themselves to form their policies and regulations from a point of fear and greed. As a consequence, those that want to appeal to this system to push an idea that is even supported by the "informed" and "leaders" of the system must jump the proverbial hoops of people who still fly cereal into their mouths. I'm not saying projects don't need to be monitored and people shouldn't show evidence that the money and time they're getting is going to the right place. I am saying that someone shouldn't feel comfortable telling me it might be after I graduate before I get through all the b/s and get to start that project. This is one of the baseline reasons I am driven to do things better. I think when people 10, 20, or 30 years older than me speak about how naive people my age are, they are speaking to the ineptitude they've encountered, the arbitrary barriers to progress, and the resolve one must develop in order to let go of the majority of their dreams. Keep your advice.

It's sickening how comfortable people are once they've reached the point of "getting by." Good job, your the head, chair, manager of "Insert Important Title" and even you can't do anything but point to someone who may be willing to take more responsibility.  

[178] Life Is So Very Peculiar

Complex. Social. Situations.

If we start with the complex we see hidden prejudices and biases, conflicted feelings, sporadic anger and stress, and a desperate struggle to squeeze as much fun out of the social gathering as possible. You see the most bizarre kinds of friendship. And less we forget the most dramatic levels of irony that punctuate conversations well within earshot of their subject. You aide your friends in their quest for red cheeks, dizziness, and burning throats. It's all harmless enough. I guess I'm just responding to all the stuff I "see," and am fairly certain most everyone else does to, and trying to find a place for it.

Let's take an old cliche; Know who your real friends are. I think its interesting how we build relationships. I place a lot on what you do for people without and beyond their expectations. I'm glad that I think I surround myself with a majority of people who behave just that way, thus their real friend status. The problem comes in when that human...bug, comes in and starts to dig its way into people. Think about what it is people want from others. Companionship, trust, sharing, perhaps most importantly, distraction. We want them to be funny, to listen to us, and regale us with stories from the lives we didn't get to live. You start to hang out with these people for so long that whether you planned on it or not, you develop a rather deep connection with them. Then comes the cohabitation, relationships, and drama. But what exactly happens when you've developed this relationship, or for more ubiquitous use, connection with these people? How and why do things go wrong?

I think first and foremost people think of themselves, and in the pursuit of making themselves happy, their selfishness permeates and predicates all of their actions. The whole idea of relationship or connection rather spits in the face of that idea. I would still argue that my view is the case, and because of a massive denial and misunderstanding of ourselves, thus plays out the tragedy of the complex social situation. Something I frequently hear when it comes to trust building; "I just want you to open up and tell me things about yourself." On its face this seems logical. It's either a massive display or trust, or stupidity, when you share your real self with someone else, but yet we find it going wrong in the majority of cases. Why? My idea is that it is because people don't think enough about themselves in the right way to handle, empathize, or understand someone else. We project our misunderstandings, our insecurities, our depressed or saddened mindset into judgments about how wrong or screwed up someone else is in relation to ourselves. This is not to say that we should be barred from judgments, but the reasons behind those judgments should be honest. It's all well and good to hear about someone else's life and experience, but god forbid they say or do something that so drastically differs from what you could imagine it "offends" you at your core. Is it necessarily them being "bad" or "wrong" or weird, and are you sure that how you respond is necessarily correct and from a position of understanding?

I doubt there is much merit in knowing things like someone else's favorite color or their favorite elementary school teacher, but I would put money on the majority of my friends not having a clue or inclination to ask or care about the what's and who's like that with regards to me. This doesn't bother me, and if you really want to know I'll usually answer. What happens though is that these are the kinds of default conversation pieces that we engage in to develop that shell of "this is who I am" when trying to relate to someone else. Can you really be that baffled why 6 months down the line you've seemingly stumbled across this whole different person that confuses and stresses you out? Of course though, this speaks more to relationships than connections. Quite literally, you could've known everything about that person before you even met them, just by fully appreciating what it means to be human, then working on what it is about that nature that makes you happy. Even more importantly, understanding and having a place and plan for the things that don't.

Let's take the broader connection area. My parties alone have a bunch of friends converging over a table and hookah. Surely there is less drama between members in a cordial game of pong. Enter the hush hush when a that certain someone opens the porch door. Pretend that glance or glare didn't really mean what you know it does. Throw yourself, with the utmost passion, into each ball toss, and dance ever prettily in distraction, because doing so can completely take your mind away from the reason you started drinking in the first place. Now don't get me wrong, we all need a little distraction, and there are all the good feelings that substances can manifest, I just wish things could go deeper. I wish that I was certain everyone could have a good time the majority of the time, and yet I'm hesitant to say this happens as often as I'd like when I see some of the faces as they're leaving. I can only think to myself, as someone surrounded by so many friends, giving, caring, and smart ones at that, how is it possible to keep any sort of sustained negative feelings?

The simple answer is that each person needs to be their own source of happiness first, before they can really get it from anyone else. Moreover, maybe neither the person, nor the ones they can go to, are really equipped in a way to help. Either way, the nature of these connections is still what's in question. A big part of sustaining said connections is masking or hiding your true thoughts or feelings until they become more convenient. Of course, while you harbor these feelings, it becomes that much harder to be your own happiness. It's funny that no matter what someone seems to have to say about someone else, they never want to "hurt" them, all the while utterly hurting themselves.

UGH. The only word my mind keeps going back to is honesty. When I meet someone or form a relationship or connection with them, I first expect them to be stupid. I expect them to be confused, opinionated, immature, or even painfully annoying and different from what I'd like. I expect this because I know it is exactly how some, if not many, people think about me, and yet the world keeps spinning because those are just simple facts about us. I also assume that they can be funny, interesting, and engaging. I know that no matter how many cliches we may experience together, there is still an individual that can only be manifest in that specific person. I celebrate that when I throw my parties. On the surface its repetitive beer pong, plum or melon hookah, and "college kid" behavior. But it remains a complex social situation. I get excited at the potential for deeper conversation and connection. Just the potential mind you, because there are no guarantees the new face I've allowed in has anything to offer but their ass to a couch. I just wish I could offer more. I wish I had that secret or method of talking that would compel people to enjoy the same setting for the same unabated reasons I have. I wish people could trust that no matter what they had to say to someone else the other person could handle it, talk about it, fix it, express it, debate it, or when worse comes to worst know you must simply remove yourself from it.

I'm not totally sure how this reads, but I want to make sure that you know I'm not trying to be a downer or hater on anybody or the parties, I just like to speculate and write. Trust that I genuinely enjoy the people and the atmosphere, hence the parties continue. Amazing pong shots, random and hilarious comments and behavior, put me in the front row. I just want to make sure I've stated on the record that most of your friends at my parties aren't just good for pitching in money or providing new hookah flavors. I would hope that you guys understand I'm more than an open door. I hope everyone is being what they can for each other the 5, 4, or even 3 days a week there isn't a party.   

[163] Almost Posted

I'm going to set some shit straight. Fuck you Jeremy, fuck you Reetz, and fuck you anybody who thinks they know any fucking thing about me, let alone Steev and I. Here's a fun conversation for the grand jury. Given that I'm just a dickface know-it-all cynic, I'll leave it up to you.

powerstonev2: Hey bro, what's up?
spoof529: bad things.
spoof529: nick talked to me
spoof529: about all the reasons why I'm not good enough for steev.
powerstonev2: He's a dick, just so ya know.
spoof529: I know.
spoof529: but I believe him.
spoof529: he's right.
powerstonev2: NOPE, not true.
powerstonev2: Have you read some of his notes on facebook?
spoof529: no. I'm not his friend.
powerstonev2: he's super cynical, thinks everyone is a terrible person but himself.
phillip reetz: spoof529: but still. she let him talk to me, and now she isn't talking to me, she might not be even there...but still.
spoof529: he said a lot of things.
phillip reetz: spoof529: I'm worrying greatly about it. last night she promised me everything will be okay.
spoof529: and now I just don't know....


phillip reetz: powerstonev2: sounds just like his usual dickface self
powerstonev2: realize that he says "people like me and her think a certain way"
powerstonev2: He's talking about people influencing the people they're around, which is true.
powerstonev2: But what he's telling you not to do is what he's done.
powerstonev2: arg
phillip reetz: powerstonev2: He's just super cynical, doesn't think you're a good person. He's telling you all these things as though he knows everything.
powerstonev2: He doesn't, of course.
spoof529: but still, what if that's what she really thinks?
spoof529: I'm not good enough...
powerstonev2: If that's what she really thinks, then that's what Nick told her to think, and you need to convince her otherwise, because it's not true.
spoof529: gah, if only
demonime: spoof529: gah, if only I could talk to her.
powerstonev2: Don't worry too much about it bromide.

My first thought is simply this. I haven't done ANYTHING. I haven't said a single fucking thing to you Jeremy, and I decided to say something to Reetz only after Steev and I talked about it for days. It was your dumb ass friend who openly disrespects her by (1) ditching her in a pizza hut to flirt with some girl he makes sure to inform Steev that he's fooled around with, (2) laying all kinds of pity and guilt trips on her exploiting her nature to want to take care of people (3) and the coup de gras, in my opinion, when he jerks off in her bed while she's laying on the floor. Not to mention all the hand stroking during movies and little gifts. I've been well within my boundaries to beat the ever living fuck out of this kid, but no, I stay civil, try to make things clear and even slightly cordial by talking to him, and what do I get? I get your comments and bullshit as if you have the remotest fucking clue what to say about me. I get you telling me that I tell Steev what to think. I'm a cynic who thinks everyone is a terrible person. I'm glad I now know that there are some people reading my notes who are this fucking stupid and presumptuous. I've had you over to my house, I've refrained from kicking your friends ass, and I haven't said a goddamn thing to or about you to warrant a single utterance from your mouth. So you can take your words and shove them right back up your ass where they came from you fuck.  

[177] Give Up Hope

Friday, April 3, 2009 at 7:02pm 

Give up hope. Hope insinuates that you know something. You don't know anything. No one does. There is no hope for anyone.

I'll try to be as utterly vague as possible about a whole of indiscriminate subjects I've grown ever resolved about that have still given me no reason to believe otherwise. One of those resolutions is that there is something wrong with me. I don't project my problems onto other people. I don't pretend like there's anything someone could do to me that I haven't done to myself. I don't really "hear" what people "mean" when they "say" something. I remain utterly indifferent, removed, non-committal, unconvinced, confused, and cold. Furthermore, I find this "stance" one of the strongest points about me. It's one of, if not the biggest, reason I feel I get anywhere in life or find reason to be happy. This has to mean there is something wrong with me. I want to make sure that this isn't some sort of pity party or "woe-is-me" kind of sentiment. Plainly, logically, factually, and by the accordance of seemingly every "normal" person I meet, I'm different to such a degree that there simply must be something wrong. Have I a clue what this is? Not really, and I've vaguely alluded to sociopathy, but if that were the case it definitely couldn't be as drastic as most sites and books would depict. The biggest thing I'm learning from this "condition" is that if I'm not talking to someone who can behave the same way, take what I say for what I say it, refuse to invest anything in me than what I can provide evidentially, and hold as little trust or faith in me as they can, then I don't feel like I can provide the best of me towards them.

I'll bring up one more problem before I try to explain these further with examples. Say for whatever reason I take your car to the mall, come back, and your pissed off and tell me "don't drive my car to the mall." Great, understood. Don't drive your call to the mall. Aside from this being a messy example because I don't arbitrarily take people's things, let me explain to you how I'm thinking and what I'm asking myself. Who's at the mall that you don't want to see your car? Is the mall too far for your car because it's got some problem with it? Is there some particular aspect of my driving that you know about that your car can't handle? Why did you let me use/drive your car for such and such endeavor in the past? How many times will I have to let you drive my car until it's okay for me to drive your car to the mall again? This all seems a bit cluttered an unnecessary. What I think other people would get from a situation like that is, "it is wrong to take other peoples' cars." I feel like the nature of these questions seems almost too ridiculous with this example, but take something more ambiguous, add more questions, and give me enough time to find it reasonably justifiable for me to distinguish this situation from all others, and this is what happens. It fucks me, and it will continue to fuck me, until I'm in a situation that is "undeniably" clear if that's even possible when you talk about subjectivity.

On the former point, I can provide a relatively simple depiction. "O Nick, your so prone to saying something like that in this situation." My first reaction is to automatically cut that type of behavior or comments when your around. I hate to have assumptions made about me. I hate when people think they even begin to have a clue about me. When they predicate their actions on their assumptions about me, I want to fuck them over. There is a difference, at least with me, between assuming something about someone, and knowing something about them. You assume something about people when you try and take how they behave or react and apply it to a random situation in the future. You know something about them when you both can feel said situation at the same time and on the same level. I hold this so strongly that when I feel myself starting to assume things, I try to fuck myself. And wow do I do a great job of that.

For instance, I assume to varying degrees that when I'm talking about something, I'm relatively correct in what I'm saying. I also assume that while I might not always convey my point how I wanted, especially the first time around, that some amount of talking will either resolve the discrepancy or at least illuminate the biggest points of contrast to be discussed or debated further, later. These are horrendous assumptions. At the end of the day, people are biased to hearing what they want to hear. There is a fundamental distrust in everything, at least in what I, seem to have to say to people or in what they have to say to me. The only way to remedy this is to try and "act" in the exact manner in which I actually believe at any given time. If that means becoming cold and indifferent to something because I overall believe I'd rather be happy, then that's why I'm cold and indifferent. I have, call it a habit, of being unable to give a shit about things that only bring me down, that are filled with unnecessary drama, that almost refuse to simply dignify an ounce of what I'm doing in spite of the easy assumptions.

I guess the hardest thing to swallow seems to be something screaming at me to acknowledge it. You simply can't really understand someone or thing. Because of this, you can't really trust someone or thing. You'll never fully comprehend and you shouldn't expect it, but at the same time you still have to believe you are. And because of your belief, because you can't survive without it, your fundamentally unable to trust or understand, not really, anything about anybody, yet you never should've thought you could to begin with. Please argue with me here because this feels like a mindfuck just trying to type it out.

I'm a person that hurts other people, not necessarily because I want or intend to, but because I've managed to develop the tendencies required that make it logically follow that such should be the case. The only way I don't hurt people is when they show me that it isn't possible. The only way for people not to get hurt is for them to be relatively sociopathic as well or utterly indifferent to me. But as I've stated above, there seems to be something wrong with a human equation that seems to "work" this way. I suppose it is entirely possible that my "on the level" sentiment is just a meager way of depicting individuals so removed from the basic plain of existence that they should therefore be diagnosed. I'm just sick of being the cog in the wheel. Since there's nothing to beat, and I'm incapable of joining, I'm resolved to remove myself.

 Jared Pease at 1:15am April 4

tl;dr. I like your title though, it reminds me of the quote 'Abandon hope all ye who enter here'.

[162] Meager Understanding

This is my umpteenth profession for having lost faith, hope, or reason for humanity. The difference being that I want to practice just how ruthless and heartless I can be in my attempts to cheat, lie, and use people for my own gain. I've done the honesty thing and it's left me on an island. It's left me ranting alone on blogs and circumstances that get me by, but are by no means sustainable. I seek to talk out explicitly why I would venture down such a road so as to show that it is not made in haste and with the naiveté of first love.

I should start with the main reason, which for lack of a litany of better words, must be referred to as love. I am currently, and probably will always be in love. I only say this because I can't help it otherwise. It influences my physiology, how I treat other people, and my thoughts. I've tried, relatively successfully to suppress it, put it out of my mind, and behave as if this were not the case. I am aware that how you behave on the outside is what reflects on the inside, so that is precisely what I did. In the midst of this game within myself, I started dating Steev. Steev not being a retarded and well-rehearsed int he practice of reading people and discerning emotional states brings up those opportunities to be annoyingly honest about oneself and circumstances. This I feel is both a good and bad thing. On the one hand, there is someone out there besides Byron who "gets it" and doesn't need me to fill in too many blanks where her powers have shown to be dead wrong. On the other hand, it completely fucks with my practice of the game. One could call it a bad decision on my part by involving her with this in the first place.

Either way, Steev has helped show me why I can't believe in that mystical, beyond understanding version of love so highly touted amongst the religious and the desperate. She says she loves me, but I don't believe it even remotely touches what I went through with Nikki. It can't. Steev had already adopted this sense of understanding and methodology before she encountered me, she has the built in fail safe and future outlook. I denied myself those faculties because of how immature and all-encompassing I allowed my thoughts to become. Despite my sincere desperation and feelings, I was/am still marginalized, or at least it feels this way, in Nikki's eyes. Despite I'm sure Steev's sincere feelings, I still feel like I marginalize her and she understands that I either don't love, or don't love even remotely in the same way or extent, the way I professed to Nikki.

What this all tells me is that love most compelling comes from your point of most desperation. The more you can make yourself feel bad about yourself or the person your after, the easier and environment for your feelings to manifest and swell. I start with the initial shock of her sleeping on me during bus rides. This opens the door to my thoughts that by some chance in hell this girl I've secretly thought was beyond gorgeous and special might have shown a hint that she likes me back. This pours over into other events and interactions that hint even more. You move into the realm of Internet conversations where one needn't be as shy about what they say. Then more bus rides, more flirting, more conversations, all dragging out for years. All giving me time to feel more and more desperate, turn to religion that gives you even more excuses to look down about yourself. But instead of it making me want to love god, it stokes the coals of the feelings I had for her. All I wanted to do was things to make her happy, ever making myself disappear into the background. And what does that say about that kind of love? That this engagement of what should be the mutual engagement and expression towards each other is now some glorified idol worship where neither side may ever see the true colors of the other?

Another thing even more intriguing are books like The Rules of Seduction and The 48 Laws of Power. The very fact that there are recipes of behavior that can trigger another person to fall for you should speak enough to this point. And looking back, whether she was aware of it or not, the way Nikki and I behaved towards each other was perfect for ensuring that such a fate would befall me.

I don't believe Steev's life was far removed from the pattern of desperation to light at the end of the tunnel either. Family life that pisses her off, immature and retarded boyfriends in the past, and zero opportunity to even talk to someone that exhibited her level of understanding would push her to grasp and love someone who vehemently behaves in revulsion to that. This coupled with a despotic outlook on lie, diminished self-esteem, and nagging reminders of betrayal could make someone like me seem like quite the lovable godsend. When it comes down to it though, Steev isn't the one I have these feelings for. She isn't the one I dreamed about, made myself sick over, and developed this kind of history with. She was the first in line of the girls I thought I'd be able to have a good time with on my new path to change the boredom of last year and, for whatever reason, we're both acting to make it stick. Neither of us is ignorant to those reasons, but I'm not sure we've found any real justification for them.

Dammit, I wanted to talk myself into reasons to cheat, lie, and use, but I've become too entrenched, or better said, good at, being just honest enough to cloak what I'm really doing, and yet still get what I wanted. I get to keep stories straight and practice weaving circles. I suppose there's no reason this can't be used for the secondary purpose of being more comfortable with become disenfranchised by the ideas infused with these feelings. One more go to finally push the whole load over the edge and into the deep end.

Steev's idea to try and hook me up with Nikki is so peculiar to me. If Nikki really liked Donnie, the last thing in the world I would do is try to pawn her off on him "for the sake of her happiness." Of course, I'm not abusive or a psycho so perhaps that's a skewed analogy, but either way. I'd always believe there was something more I could do to repair or cultivate in response to what was lacking. If it had to fail then so be it, but I wouldn't work to diminish my chances. There are generally good and bad reasons that people should be together, and this mere cloak of feelings and dreams does not constitute anything more than feelings or dreams. This theoretical happiness and fulfillment I might get from finally being with her is one thing, but who's to say how long the "magic" would last and whether or not we really have the frameworks for understanding each other? I guess that's the only real question I would want answered. That fleeting chance or try. Meh, if it happens. We can't even really talk, that should be enough to say it would be doomed to fail.

[161] Plausible Deniability

I'm not happy right now. I am happy most of the time. I don't think Steev and I will be able to reach any "fundamental understanding." She takes things out of context, makes associations where none exist, and is, as most women, too emotional for a discussion that can go anywhere. I'm tired of fighting, and am more convinced that the things I like are not balanced against the things I emphatically hate. She said I was just like Nikki. When I've spent my life after my feelings for Nikki developing and learning to fix all the things I saw wrong in how Nikki and I interacted, I can't think of a bigger slap in the face. So this moment we are pretending like we didn't talk and things didn't get heavy. It doesn't matter to her that I've been honest, it doesn't matter to her that I've tried to fix the things she's, after much begrudging to do so, finally told me about. She doesn't appreciate nor understand me, and she doesn't want to. She thinks I am incapable of understanding when I'm wrong. She thinks it is impossible for anything to change, let alone me. She doesn't accept me in the only way I care to be accepted. I don't want a "go through the motions" relationship. I don't want to be around someone for too long because, here she's right, they will get boring and no longer feel like they are worth it. She's willing to lie to me "for my sake." She's willing to leave stones unturned. I don't want to be pitied, excused, or subdued. I don't appreciate someone attacking me out of fear for expressing themselves. She needs to grow the balls in this situation and just break up with me if I'm "not playful enough," "not affectionate enough," or can't figure out "what you do and don't say to your girlfriend." It isn't worth losing a friend for the sake of putting on the facade of a relationship. She told me "I appreciate the time I have" in reference to us. She feels betrayed, used, silenced, and maybe even manipulated by the things I say and how I express myself. It isn't that I can't change. It is that I refuse to change. I outright refuse to dramatically alter why and how I do things when the person I would be doing it for doesn't care or is unable to understand why I do them. The way I live my life works because it leads me to understanding. Whether that understanding always leads to "perfect happiness" or "the best" way of interacting with someone or not, does not make it any less valuable a tool to work with. If I don't understand, I don't even open the door that will lead me to happiness.

She's given up on happiness and wants to get it by subverting me. By trying to "train" me or suppress herself in ways that will "make me happiest" she hopes I'll start behaving in the right ways to translate "yes, I care for you too," "yes, I acknowledge you," and "I love you." She thinks I don't understand love. She thinks I handled what I called love horribly. If love means indulging her on her sycophantic fantasy then I can tell you I don't want it nor think it love. If love means taking down a fact sheet that may or may not coincide with the ebbs and flows of her feelings, then acting according, then it is not what I want nor what I call love. She does not have a grander perspective. When she tries it depresses her and makes her lose hope. Why have a better perspective when you can resort to ridicule? She thinks that because I understand this and speak of this understanding that I am the same as those I empathize with. I can't be someone's happiness when they refuse to acknowledge what about them could possibly make me happy in return. It can't only be me dignifying. When it comes down to it I could never do it in the way that really matters. In the way that can drive a life. In a way that can heal.

If every talk leaves things unsettled, if every comment feels like a punch to the gut, if every action is just a reaction of us trying to play to this notion of happy, then how can even call that friendship, let alone a relationship or love? If she wants to act like she gets it, then she needs to take the good with the bad. She needs to be humble about her understanding, and be open to, at the very fucking least, refraining from shutting off and blotting out a conversation. I can't wake up next to someone who went to bed with a secret that could blow up into a book of accusations by morning. I can't fall into the moment of a kiss with someone who's using it to shut me up. I can't hug someone who only hugs back convincingly enough to finally make it to the door.

Girls don't refrain from making jokes about guy's cock size. When they do refrain, it isn't from some notion of respect for guys despite a seemingly endless wave of belittling and sexist comments towards women. Respect, just like everything else, comes from understanding. You don't respect a guy because you don't understand them. You don't care to understand them because you're too busy sorting them into groups, trying to train them, and pointing out all the reasons they make you lose hope and happiness. Because it is all their fault. Even when I try to take the blame for something I did, it doesn't matter, so why bother saying anything anymore? Why pretend like doing the mature thing matters to her. Why allow myself to look bad when it just gives her another chance to make a caricature of me?

I like her for the things that make her, her. She is pained by the things that make me, me. It doesn't make sense for us to be together. It isn't honest for me to be in a one sided relationship. She allegedly feels for me how I felt for Nikki. I don't buy it. I also don't like how she acts just like I did in letting her feelings allow her to stay on a path that is nothing but heartache. This can be a second example of when I open up, I get nothing but scorn in return. I get ridiculed, misunderstood and am just not getting it. I won't be forced to care and I can't be guilt tripped into feelings. And if it even matters, everyone of her speculative guesses about my past or upbringing were dead wrong, and yet I bet it felt like she was donning some grand revelation upon me. Every time we talk it's like a mini episode of this effect. No, this I can't, don't want, and shouldn't bother to deal with.