[144] Futile Response

Who doesn’t like the rush when they realize someone is starting to like them? Jesus fucking christ though, that doesn’t mean all either party is ever thinking about is sex. Sex is trivial, just icing on a cake, and usually a rather tiring job if you’re doing it right. I could explain this to someone ten million times, and they won’t get it. Why do I love my people are songs analogy so much? When I listen to American Idiot, it doesn’t mean I still don’t get a rush or appreciate any less when B.Y.O.B comes on. The only way I can love someone or something is like a song. I had my one and first naive experience and frankly refuse to go back there. Unlike the masses I frequently criticize, I choose to learn and grow from the things that happen to me. I do not believe in “love” which is conditional. I do not accept that our unconscious chemicals which fuel such emotions discriminate between people who make you happy as long as they continue to do as such. We all need other people to be there for us. I won’t refrain from getting what I can from many close friends for the sake of one person I’ve deemed with some exclusive title. And again, this does NOT mean sex. The whole point of finding people you can care about is so that it doesn’t feel like some dragging obligation when they are in need. The second it does, you are lying to yourself about what you can and can’t do for them. Being friends and someone being there for you are not mutually exclusive.

I did not say that if you loved me you would suffer knowing that I was fucking other people then be perfectly happy when I came to your room afterwards to sleep. First, the reference to coming back to your bed was an allusion to your words and your scenario, not an actual theorhetical situation. Second, I said you would suffer because I know the feeling. Third, I would not be “perfectly happy” as you so crassly put it by making an overtly dick move like jumping into your bed afterwards. I explained to you what I felt and how I act, and if that doesn’t mean “love” or aspects of “love” or are completely retarded and not significant at all, then it’s your fault for not telling me. You want to talk about predictions? Again, I’m the idiot. I’m the one who warned you, read how you acted, and chose to carry on anyway because like a prodigal idiot I took it for granted that you could be honest instead of dramatic. You don’t keep me happy. I am happy. You just provide your personal way of molding that happiness into something I can only get with you. That’s the most I can ever recognize from people. That’s the best and what I regard as the greatest honesty and “love” I can express.

Caring only goes too far? If caring means I have to suffer my personality for the sake of trying to fake something, then it’s a good thing it stops there. I could never be there for you? On moving day or when your balling your eyes out after a drunken binge? Your expectations are easy. Everyone falls in love and carries on in it with the fumblings of a four year old and their shoe laces. I’m the one with high expectations. You know, honesty, recognition, self-control, and an ability to choose. Maybe a tattoo on my forehead that screams “I don’t care about the sex” is enough for you to get over yourself and understand me. There is not metaphorical middle between sex and caring for someone. Your the only one who’s making this distinction, and trying to squeeze me into a little box you can get angry at easier.

And by the way, that look of disdain was at the idea of me so quickly changing and knowing you’d understand why it wouldn’t work. I do believe I said, “fine, let’s be exclusive and watch how it fails.” You didn’t just want to put yourself on the radio, you wanted to delete the rest of the songs on my ipod, computer, and hard drive. Ah, but you don’t want to be just a song do you? You want it to be something special by keeping it exclusionary. Well news flash, no one has all if any of the things someone else does to make them truly happy. I am nothing special except for decisions I make as the entity Nick at any given moment. I am an overtly aware shell who’s electrons can get excitable. You dont’ set me free, you don’t make my decisions, and if you didn’t want to make me do something I don’t want to do then you wouldn’t have the main symptom of love that I hate the most.  

[142] Abusing My Last Recourse

I haven’t felt this bad since I worked myself up over Nikki. It’s moments like these that make me not want to be alive. I want to start drinking and smoking. I want to hurt people. I don’t care about happiness and life becomes a cheap thrill. I could talk for days and I’ll always be the quintessential “guy” that did everything bad. I’ll lose points by setting a defense because people will think “Oh great, now he’s trying to be the victim. All I ever wanted was real people. I want what can make us happy. If that means sex shit, then great whatever, but who cares to believe that that isn’t what its actually about? At this moment I’m quite lost. Honesty is the one thing I have. About my mistakes, about my feelings, about my seemingly endless contradiction of words. And I try. I don’t like to feel bad and don’t invite stress until it comes to mitigating my torrent of thoughts. I’ll take an idea from Mr. Bowman and reiterate it. I just want people to be happy. I don’t like the conditional happiness as in “I’ll be sad until I get another boyfriend” or “it sucks to be me until I get some new thing or experience.” Just happy. What makes things complicated is when I think about what has made me closest to consistant and genuine happiness. That thing is the dreaded honesty. Frankly, just like Bowman, I really do just hate the majority of the things I do, most of the people I interract with, and the future I see for us doomed apes. In a strident contradiction, I still feel empathy when someone I care about is distressed. I still can’t be “perfectly” happy unless I read the people around me as exuding as such. It’s then I get to buy into the lie and forsake my ideals. I play along with everyone for the sake of formality and avoidance of awkward silences. It’s easy to fit in with a few marginally funny comments and help with a favor, so why bother on some tangent about how much better things could be. There’s a reason their called ideals and not practices.

It must be pure fun to be everyone’s friend and still nothing but a shell floating amidst the waves of other’s personalities. I’ve decided I can’t do it. It is my current strategy to just avoid conflict. “If you don’t have anything nice to say....” Great advice for someone who feels how empty the nice sayings can get. I really hate drama, pain, and fights over what I consider a little, though time consuming, problem of misunderstanding. I must be retarded when it comes to this though. It actually takes me getting punched and kicked to signal to myself “maybe you should do this instead.” It just hurts. It hurts to think that I can’t be happy, even a vague semblence of it, unless I play the many games. I hate thinking of how dishonest I would feel around my “friends” by just choosing to go about our interractions in a different way. Either path means I have to sacrifice something hugely significant to what I consider towards my identity. I don’t care who you are, if we’re going to be friends, I can find what it is that makes you special and focus on that. I can just as easily find everything wrong with you, as I’m sure you could with me, but its easy to ignore or just joke about when we both can reflect on whatever our level of understanding happens to be. I don’t know why this is so hard to accept.

It isn’t cheating to me to make people feel good. If your thing is just someone to sleep next to, yell at for five minutes, or use to move furniture, if I know it will make your life easier or make you happy then I want to do it. It feels good to feel significant and it feels good for people to treat you like you matter. I can give myself in numerous capacities and still feel a hundred percent satisfaction in return if I conveyed to someone that they matter. I can’t pander to dreams and play some romantic angle if the feeling isn’t there. I’m not that kind of friend. I want the significance of any given moment, and I desperately hope to make people aware and happy to be living in it. If they can’t, I can’t.  

[136] And From Confusion Came Clairvoyance

Thursday, September 25, 2008 at 2:12pm

I hate being confused. My motivation is to find the steady state of mind. I probably hate people so much because they are so quick and apt at fucking with that. Or better said, my dumb-ass self allows them to do such. That's why it is easy to disregard them and forget. Once that's accomplished, the mind finds its way back to the path. There must be a reason that I would actively engage in activities which clog my otherwise mental effluence. There's always those opportunities to learn and grow right? You can't get anywhere if you remain complacent and happy. I feel this would make more sense if I felt either complacent or happy. I always just am with spurts that are happy and spurts that aren't. Perhaps it's exciting to feel vulnerable? When you put yourself out on a limb it's the ultimate chance to sink or swim. Any time one can “overcome” said situation, ego boost. A mere and meager ego boost? I like the idea more that it is a dramatic and exciting profession of who you really are and what your capable of. What then, when that ephemeral ego oversteps itself? A level of improvidence so great that you immediately regret your decision. Such times leave those dangerously indelible impressions, and prompt learned behaviors, that “act up” in lieu of more appropriate responses.

When you've reached a “flow” to your life, what law of nature dictates that any attempt at making that flow more understood or improved, must result in the slow alienation of what seemed fundamental in establishing it in the first place? Why use a leaf blower to clean the dust off a house of cards in order to create a “more perfect” house. The house is more like a cheerleader pyramid. We're all wobbling and stuck between everyone else, but the second you start to speculate on reasons your third from the left in the bottom row, your arm gives out and down goes that section. What significance is the “why” if this is the picture? All it appears to have done is make a crash. Of course there's always the other side of the coin. What would happen if the why were never conceived? What lesson can be learned only after the tower has fallen? How much stronger can you make the house, or pyramid, when its comprised of people who are ready to fall, but able to remain salient?

I think this helps elaborate on why I fuck with good things. I want them even better. I think I'm more disappointed when things don't turn out better, than I ever could be at the players involved or my initial act of toying with the knobs. I get egregiously off track when I attempt to propitiate the feelings of those who can't rise above the initial dissatisfaction of the changing atmosphere. When a tacit understanding exists about the superficial actions, for the sake of formality or innocuous “testing,” all fears and worries are want for justification. I'm pining for knowledge and opportunities which more frequently are coming in the form of people.

There's no better place to learn about someone than from them. Too “duh” of a notion? Think of it like this. I've been talking a lot recently about developing relationships(tacit quotes) with people. I'll find myself struggling and thinking about them uncontrollably. This I assure is not because of their charm or spell that's high-jacked my psyche. I'm just dying to know more, to question more, and to push things as far as they'll go. Mr. Bowman said something to the effect last night like, “it just wouldn't be Nick if he didn't go past the envelope.” This isn't just a rule for my “shock comments.” One of my problems is how I come across when I'm trying subdue my mind by prodding for answers. Nor am I always well received when I verbally assail a situation before really knowing all the players. I also fail when it comes to depicting how I “feel” with regard to new information. Well, something to work on right?

In the end it all comes down to honesty for me. I honestly care so little about a few, or perhaps many, awkward moments, and the range of scornful looks to outright hatred of things I do in my “story of how I came to know you.” I'm always asking myself what's the point, and why I even bother, and apparently some part of me realizes that to some extent, it's always worth it. If you don't have the capacity or care to travel with me for your own sake, I can't care about leaving you where you are for mine.

[135] Too Personal For You

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 at 8:00am

Where to begin?

What am I scared of in life? I don't want to hurt the wrong people. I view overwhelming or misunderstood emotions as the predecessor to the majority of reasons I hate people. Hence, I keep mine in check if not actively suppress and downplay any “significance” they may hold. I refuse to let them take me with reckless abandon, one, because of how badly it went in the past, and two, because I view the vast majority of my decisions come from a very empty place. This makes those decisions capable of being anything, which in turn makes me feel free, which finally allows me to manifest my glint of happiness in this dark, cold world. The overwhelming bad in people, that I do in fact see, comes off as ridicule and belligerence from me because there isn't an ounce of respect for the people I'm addressing. I say and feel like I'm a terrible person because I've thought about what I can do, I'm convinced I could go through with whatever it is, and I don't think I'll have much feeling about it either way. To me, I think “normal” people are usually set off by some good feeling they can justify or reinforce with some good act. I'm the opposite. I just do, then try to decide if there is something good to see in what happened or is happening.

I think I'm in love. That is, I think I'm smitten by the idea of limbo and wavering endlessly in cloud of gray. Most of you know I hate plans and hate to be categorized. What do I do when I meet someone who makes it their task to meticulously think out every potential scenario, assign you your motivation, and paint a grandiose picture of what front your portraying? Well, aside from Byron, but he's on my team. It isn't even the ability to relate or articulate the failings or reasons for a position, it's you both knowing that “something more” that most deeper conversations are laden with. The moment my body started feeling the bit of weight in the air is the moment she called the reason my arm moved the way it did. We both know what kind of people we can be/are, and I don't think either of us wants to feel the blunt of the worst case scenario.

With Nikki it was easy. I thought about her all the time, I got energy just thinking about doing things for her, my heart and stomach ached, I stayed up all night, and hell, I even turned to a god. Was I hurt so bad that now it's practically impossible for me to reach that state of raw emotion again? When I think about what I believe will make me happy in dealing with “real” people, this girl is the epitome. I don't have to struggle to talk to her, I don't feel uncomfortable being honest, every “part” ::coughs:: is in working order, and I will be able to gain further insight into myself by simply being around her. So tell me, why is the overabundance of feeling and will matched to the girl I do guard myself from and haven't had very deep conversations with, and my vast sea of emptiness allows me to recognize the amazing person I've met, but remain essentially stoic?

I don't care if I hurt myself. I can handle and live with the idea that I did something so stupid that all it affected was me. I really do not want to hurt her. I don't want feelings to get confused. I don't want to develop feelings out of pity or empathy. I don't want to do something overtly stupid and self-fulfilling for the sole reason of expressing to her just how “not whatever” she said I really am. Maybe it is a naïve assumption, but I sincerely hope to have the kind of “relationship” we have now, without the drama that feelings bring. If I take Byron as an example, we're cool as can be, think at the same level, understand the same things, and I know I will never have to worry about some homo passion that would consume either of us into fucking up the kind of friendship we have. I think a handful of reasons are making things potentially much more complicated, not least because she's a girl.

Fuck me. Aren't feelings supposed to grow over time as your relationship with someone becomes better informed and mature? If this is true then I'm only setting myself up for disaster. Fuck me again. Aren't I looking for real people, expressing real emotion, and real ideas that are supposed to magically connect us in a way that transcends carnal pleasures and naïve emotion? What the fuck is wrong with me when I've found one and there are no fireworks? I refuse to make a game out of people I consider to be worth it. I don't know how to avoid the game without feeling like I'm playing with something the whole time. Not playing her. I just envisioned a tightrope walker, exciting, but I don't want anyone to die. Is that not just the risk you entail when you choose to live your life in this manner? Always aware, but never letting you down. It's a much easier practice when the stakes involve people you pity or disregard.

I just don't want her to get hurt because I'm “good at what I do” or happy as this current manifestation of “Nick.” Whatever that means. I think perhaps deeper is that I'm disappointed by myself being unable to feel, in a greater extent, for someone I so easily identify with. Idea, this is an indicator of how I feel about myself? Completely removed from her, I judge myself a certain way, recognize it, yet mirror my feelings about myself, the perpetual “meh”ness, onto her. I mean, this wouldn't be unfair or dishonest if it was the case, and it doesn't feel like a position gone too awry. I still have to worry about whether my mannerisms and behavior are coming from “developed feelings,” or because it's fun to watch them work as expected, or because I'm actually just sincere and there is no act. My only real criterion for making sure I'm not full of shit is other people perceiving my actions as confirmation of what I tried to make them appreciate in words.

In any event, I will continue to just go with the flow as it were, and keep in the moment. I don't really know how this will come off, but it isn't at all from some place of desperation or worry. I just think there many aspects to this situation that need to be thought about, even if it may just be simple.

1 comment

Updated about a month ago

Billy Bowman (Bloomington, IN) wroteat 5:45pm on September 24th, 2008 A glimpse into a part of you i was beginning to think might actually not exist.. A fantastic idea on the part of your emotions, they can cause such havoc. I generally keep hold of mine pretty tight, but don't hold my temper well. As far as you not being able to reach such raw emotion, I'd bet anything it's due to how completely you have distanced yourself from, and controlled your emotions that results in you not really being able to simply 'feel'. I'm not sure how much sense that makes.. it made more sense before I wrote it. If you two as on the level as it certainly seems, i think it will be hard for drama to develop, and harder for you to hurt her. Though, like you mentioned, feeling have a funny way of causing drama. Can't really comment on your true motivations and where your behavior is coming from, though it appears genuine to me. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

[134] Predictions

Monday, September 22, 2008 at 5:07pm

Philosophy: I'll write some paper in a mood of extreme boredom that doesn't use enough analogies and isn't from a thorough analysis of the text. I'll string together enough big words and broken phrases from the notes I barely understand to get a low B. Any attempt to gain insight from the teacher will be met with that “look” I consistently get from most teachers when they feel my question is so overtly apparent it justifies looking at me like I'm retarded.

Jit Kun Do: I'll do the moves well enough to need basic corrections, but will ultimately get an A.

Psyche: My teacher will deny me the opportunity to get the homework in advance. I will continue to skim the book, maybe once, and come up with memorization tricks for remembering terms long enough for the test. I'll fuck up just enough questions that were embedded somewhere in the reading to get consistent B's.

Spanish: I'll forget a few verbs or misread questions here and there. I won't be clear enough on my paragraph that's suppose to really show that I'm versed in the language. I'll be average to slightly better than most in my classroom participation, and that coupled with generally good, but stupid mistake tests and homework will get me a high B or possible low A if I decide to give a bigger shit towards the end.

Piano: The little asian bitch won't get out of my ear and I'll continue to fuck up stupid things I played fine when I was by myself. I'll give up just enough to stomach the idea of looking like an inept musician while knowing I'm not one to get a low B possible C which I will justify with “the bitch is annoying, I've already proven to myself I can play it, no one cares what grades you get in a piano class.”

I've identified the “problems,” yet I don't give two shits about fixing them.

It's rather a blessing and a curse that I'm having so much fun being around people. On the one hand, I'm essentially feeling like I want to feel for the rest of my life. I want to be “successful” in the future, but not at the expense of my sanity or freedom. If it is really about the journey and not the destination, I can't justify mentally fucking myself through college to finally feel relived after graduation. Call me weird, but I consider every day and every moment of feelings relevant and important. Consistently, when you have a plan, the plans change and you end up settling on something because you weren't prepared to change. It's completely foreign to me to say “In three years I'll have a job with some psych related thing, hoping to make 45k a year, and I'll have a cute little puppy.” This is how I feel many people think. These four years are just stepping stones that introduce you to your “real life.”

If I look at my life and what's going on to make it happy I get this. I have an inordinate amount of free time that is spend watching movies and things online. I am able to take off randomly with a friend I bump into at midnight on a walk around campus. I am able to sit and read any and every book or science article I cared to. I can spend all night hanging out and still sleep enough to be functional during the day. I have money for food and gas. Aha, money. The things I like to do are write, read, and play music. If those can make me money today, I'll leave college.

New prediction: I'll spend as much time trying to distract myself from the shitty time I have in class, and consistently bitch online about how much I hate it without much of a plan on how to go about changing things. I'll do well enough to be considered average, get my check mark, and remain “meh” despite feelings of overwhelming apathy and indifference at the times of these blogs.

5 comments

Billy Bowman (Bloomington, IN) wroteat 7:41pm on September 22nd, 2008 Sounds like a good plan my friend.. if more people though like this, took having a life to being more important then doing well with the career/school.. the world would be a much better place Report - Delete

David M.L. Jaffe wroteat 9:16pm on September 22nd, 2008 Music critic / music magazine editor? Author? P.S. Asians piss me off. I feel for you. Report - Delete

Colin Hampton wroteat 9:21pm on September 22nd, 2008 bitching for the win. profs fail consistently. Report - Delete

Scott Lucas (St. Joseph IN) wroteat 2:54am on September 23rd, 2008 hey i think most people have these thoughts at least once and its true that 99% of profs dont care, but college is kinda just letting you have a small taste of the "real world." plus the parties are pretty fun. maybe im wrong, crazy, or deluded, but i just kinda felt like posting. Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 8:26am on September 23rd, 2008 Scott, I have had these thoughts incessantly since middle school. Colin, I think most profs fail because they were brought up in a system that teaches them to explain things the same shitty way they first learned them. Jew Dave, interesting suggestions, the music critic in particular. And ya, fucking asians.

[133] Yes, Quite Frankly, I Still Hate School

Yes, quite simply, I still hate school

Tuesday, September 16, 2008 at 6:25pm

I almost have to force myself to stay seated. How do we justify this process, here's a word, write it down, I'm going to talk about something you won't be able to recite back to me after class, repeat. The home”work” consists of copy and pasting the words you write into another word document. What kills me is that I've been apart of this process for 15 years and I still cannot find a point. I don't see how it works, nor do I understand how those who aren't just good at memorizing are really “learning” anything. I venture to say the vast majority of the class is not going home to memorize this list of words. I'm hot an uncomfortable. I'm not learning, I don't care, and I hate being here.

There is an easy way to fix this. Take the apprenticeship stance. Say your going to go out to the garage as a kid and you and your dad are going to build a tree house. Do you think your going to learn a damn thing if he gets you all pumped up to work with him, then sits you down, and explains the name, shape, and history of every tool and types of wood that have been used to build tree houses? It's called picking things up as you go along. People who are dropped into a country are surprised by how quickly they pick up the language and start to understand. This is not because they got all A's on their tests for a years worth of Spanish.

I think wasted time is any time your not doing something either 1. You enjoy doing and is stimulating, 2. is productive in light of some cause or organization, 3. countless others are doing it as well who both can and are doing it better than you, and 4. It's an action that was established as a rule of thumb and is carried out for that sole purpose. (I came up with four because one of those bloody rules of thumb is to find fucking 3 of everything.)

1.I don't consider all my down time wasted, nor do I even feel as bad as I'd let on, because I'm frequently doing something that I enjoy or am enjoying the company of others. My free time consists of Big Bang videos, joking in the lounge, movie nights, and soul searching discussions. Given that one of my main goals in life is to be as happy as possible, I feel I'm chugging down that path just fine.

2. There are many ways of being productive that are not entrenched in homework or coveted notions about memorization. I feel as if I contribute more to my human race by learning science things in my free time than I'll ever be able to do memorizing a list of psyche terms associated with regions of the brain. What's more, if and when I need to know a specific region of the brain to counter some point or provide and example, holy shit The Google is still running. Furthermore, I've learned more from being forced to formulate arguments than I've ever learned from a slide show in class. When your compelled, or forced in my case, to teach someone, you almost automatically learn whatever it is your talking about because your mind does all those little subconscious things that assure itself you'll use and need this information later. Grades no longer reflect what I care to see from my “work.”

3. I can't help but feel futile when I look at the hundred or so kids around me copying the words exactly as I'm doing. All the while the professor carries on in a couple minute spiel about each word, the real meat and potatoes if you will, that we aren't expected to right down or know anything about, because after all, this is an “introductory course.” We watch a minimum of 3 video clips each day with some scientist explaining their work, and I can't help but feel like their day to day doesn't consist of preparing to be a jeopardy contestant when an interviewer is present. If a specific field of study needs more researchers, here's an idea, present those fields, garter classes around them, get the more specified skills and terms to those who show a passion for such a subject. Sure, I'll recognize MRI on a multiple choice exam, no, I still have to use The Google to explain all the cool and happening ways it is influencing our lives today. One on one learning obviously speeds things along. Should we prefer to give meager overviews to hundreds of kids, or specialize handfuls to carry out desired tasks?

4. Our whole school institution is like this. I've heard at least two presentations from teachers themselves telling us that our modes of learning are rooted in 18th century thought. You ask almost anyone why they are down some path or making some decision and you'll overwhelmingly get “because I have to,” “this is how to get a job,” “I think (key word, only think) this will make me happy.” We are a species that is prone to ruts. Our minds are prepared and willing to accept them, and the more actions we can mimic from those around us, the better we “fit in.” Granted, there are common and “best” ways of achieving some means that we should be able to recognize as universal, like using the sidewalk instead of the middle of the road, but I feel that such a simple and obvious level of realization is destructive when applied to our higher faculties. “Ga-hilk, I said this word over and over and nows I remember it better ::LIGHTBULB:: omg everybody should repeat things over and over to get smarter like me!” Easy there Jethro, lets maybe study the behavior of the people who've achieved most in the world, and accept broader and more mature definitions of progress and learning. Maybe you love the current system and think it's the best way. I'd refer you to my number 3 argument and point at Japan or China, because yes, they are indeed kicking ass, but at what cost?

One of the quickest things to piss me off as well is rationalizations people try to give in response. For example, when I ask myself why the hell I'm in Spanish when I don't care to speak it, I find it boring, I have no future plans of using it, yet I'm told if I know it well enough it will get me a job quicker, I kind of feel like the person doesn't really get it. Biology and math are the life lines to our health and existence, yet a complete guess would say to me there are thousands of kids here who will never take another math or biology class and still do just fine. I think people should be asking themselves what they alone can contribute. On a TED talk there was the example of Photobucket or Flicker where some people gave thousands of pictures, others gave one. If that one person gives one picture that many can still find cool or useful, that single picture has now given that person a purpose and meaning for their contribution over those who've upload thousands. I personally believe that everyone has at least a glint of originality for simply being an autonomous being, and the more we become a society cognizant of that glint, the more we'll see and get out of each other. I just want to focus on taking my one photo first.

[65] I Started Talking To Myself

You know what I realized?

What did you realize Nick?

I realized the more I get informed the more I feel terrible and awesome at the same time.

Terrible and awesome? What the hell are you talking about man?

Well you see, it's like this. I keep watching all my heretical videos debunking some creationist or ridiculing Mormon underwear, and they're all well and good, but then I get to thinking.

What do you think about Nick?

See, I start to think that while I understand what bigger picture this whole religion vs. atheism or science debate is about, it's entirely still possible that all these people think there whole worlds are being attacked and my come crashing down.

Crashing down? Don't you think that's a bit dramatic? These people are just delusional or being poisoned by their faith. Don't you remember how many pissed off blogs you have stating as such?

Of course I remember those, but don't forget that I also try to sympathize. Some of my friends are so happy they have their faith to hold on to and it runs extremely deep within their families. I know that I wouldn't want those rifts or arguments to take place at my dinner table by bringing up anything even borderline suggesting it's wrong.

Is that an excuse? You have a metric dump-load of information that has extremely profound implications for how and why they could be living their lives. Isn't it important that you rally under the flag and spread it?

Yes, in fact I do believe it is important for people to hear, if even only slowly over time, even half of the things I have, but at the same time they will tell me to read every book that criticizes the ones I've read. It does no good to simply say here's some books, I am right, hurry up and get with the picture.

What then are you going to do? What could be simpler than pointing in the right direction and saying explore on your own? You obviously can't make them read anything, and it would be even harder to explain enough theoretical stuff and then portray it as a new line of mental comfort.

Here's where we hit the heart of the issue. It isn't the load of information that is the problem and it isn't the people just being stubborn and willfully ignorant. One needs to learn how to see what's presented to them. Moreover, they need to re-learn how to think.

Most people won't stop their habit of eating bad food late at night and you want to talk about reconditioning thinking in an area of someone's life that has ,by their perception, brought them more happiness and fulfillment than they think you could begin to fathom. HAHAHAHA you dumbass.

Didn't say it would be easy, but short answer to that is yes. If I thought about how I felt when I learned some new Darwinian fact or lecture on quantum theory, it is a well removed feeling from when I'm thinking about a special someone or laughing my ass off with my friends.

Ok, well what does speaking the truth about the world and getting stupid with your friends have to do with anything?

Everything. When I see people who strongly profess their faith, it isn't the times they spent hours in their room studying the bible and praying they talk about. It's the retreats, the relationships, the feelings of community and love. That weird "miracle" that doesn't just have to be some improbable event, but now a testament to their devotion and proof of God's intervention. Some overcome addiction or cessation of a problem. Come to think of it, people are even praising God for their problems as opportunities to grow and overcome.

God time becomes all the potential for good times, throw a stick in the spokes of God time, you screw up the process for good times. This seems too simple. You're saying that people will throw away all rational thought and explanation, for the sake of having fun? They'll brush away thousand pages science journals and facts about other religions, because those have nothing to do with their good time?

In a sense, I'd say yes. There's like two people I could bring up the information I see with, and even then it usually has to be during the right time when we're both ready to think. With all the regular everyday work and family stresses, who wants to debate with me? I even have to use the word debate lightly because people only think I want to fight.

How then, smart guy, do you plan to make "debating" with and enlightening your friends more fun? Aren't you a little too hard fact and cold answers? Like you've heard before, there is no polite way to say "I'm sorry but this thing you've invested years of your life to which has brought you so much joy, is simply a delusion."

Your right, and that's not what I want to say at all. I think the only way to get the new level of thought, where people are able to realize the same happiness, is to re focus their attention.

Elaborate. What is more appealing than the already shining candy cane we'll call Jesus with all the answers and perfect love? Your hard pressed to find a surrogate savior.

I believe all that needs to be done is to add some clarity into their lives. Right now its "Jesus did this, God did that, I'm saved by this." You know of that truth I keep harping about that I think people need to find? I think we just need to keep reminding them of where to find it.

Truth is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, by His will be done. There. How do you like that? Good plan, its killed in one sentence.

How easy was it for you to say that? It's like a catch phrase. Pull the string and out pops the profession of truth, the unquestionable line of infallibility. Its right here where I want someone to take a part in what's going on in my mind. I want to give, or better remind, them of the questions so they can ask themselves. They can have their own late nights of tireless thoughts and headaches. I'm getting worn out worrying about people who don't see a problem.

Well you still haven't told me what there are going to focus them on. Again, good luck beating Jesus.

See your thinking is all wrong. I'm not trying to beat Jesus. Apparently he's had enough of that already. I'll tell you, what I believe people should focus on is themselves.

Themselves? They're already focusing on themselves. You said it yourself. They find fun, avoid confrontations, and get their happy thoughts from faith? What's more focused on yourself than that?

When I say focus, I don't mean in a way that motivates them to get their next happiness "fix" in a sense. I mean for them to focus on their thoughts, their actions, their back-of-their-head ideas that I have "perfect faith" in exist and bother people. I believe that it is in shielding yourself from Yourself that certain things, i.e. religion, drugs, alcohol, moods, views, and habits all creep in to try and help you find any form of "fun" "happiness" "truth."

So keep pointing out what people don't want you to point out until one way or another the issue gets dealt with. Potentially piss them off to such a degree that you walk away with hurt friendships and broken ends?

The beauty of my plan is that I don't believe those friendships will at all be broken, if not reinforced after the threshold has been reached. I am not asking anything of anyone that they aren't asking themselves. All I want is to see the responsibility of owning up to those questions and inconsistencies.

Well theoretically it sounds like it may work, but the most useful function of faith appears to be that it can simply deny and denounce those "un-wanted thoughts" that may bring rise to doubt. How do you combat that?

I guess I can't. I'm not after a conversion mind you, I'm after an enlightenment. I know some people who have their heads in the sand and quite truthfully I'd rather them there than out somehow disrupting what it is I'm actually about. I'd hate for someone to practice humoring me while completely missing the real issues that may lie within themselves.

Ok, so does getting into long conversations with yourself somehow help convey this message you have? I'd venture to say you are not far from looking a bit nutty.

You see I run into the frequent problem of never having anyone to talk to for long enough to explain why and how I'm using an argument. It's the little words and phrases that tell a bigger story than an entire book, or procession of blogs, professing an idea. If I can show people how to seek out and acknowledge those little signs, there isn't much more I could ask for.

Do you think you see these "little signs" so to speak when you talk to your friends? Are you trying to be some profound shrink looking down on all the simpletons? In some Dr. Katz manner are you going to respond to long digressions of recovery stories and miracles with "uh huh, ya," and then try to beat in your own ideology?

In answer to the first question, yes. I see a lot of things in how people talk to me that they maybe did want to show. I pick up on signal words or phrases that I can reasonably assume came from somewhere besides their original thought. The best I could do to explain would be to sit and watch a debate or talk with you and point out each individual thing I saw and explain why and how I saw it. To the second part, hell no. I don't think of myself as somehow better than anybody anymore than I think of myself worse than anybody. Remember, I'm not trying to push "my ideology" onto anyone, I'm harping on the strings of people's own questions, own minds.

So what? Their stories, their current "truths" still don't matter to you? Their entire lives this has been what's mattered. You haven't gone through what they have. How could you ever understand those amazing moments? You've never felt what your own friend felt that changed their life forever. You've never had God whisper into your ear. Hell, I'd even doubt you'd allow him to even if he tried.

Of course they matter to me. It takes a lot for me to call someone a friend and when I hear a story or someone needs an ear, I'm always there to help in whatever way I can and I do appreciate that it was a significant time in their life. On the same token I want them to be their own constant reminders that things could've always been worse, other people claim to have found that same level of happiness outside your faith, and the past is the past. I want to stop people from the tendency to right off the rest of humanity.

Well again, you haven't been through what they have. You haven't had the devil make you think of suicide, you haven't had your mother tell you by the doctors that you weren't going to make it.

What am I supposed to say in a moment like this? Yes, I've never had serious thoughts of suicide and yes I was a perfectly healthy baby. Ok? Here's how quickly you fall into writing off the rest of the world and denying your current situation. Did you make it out alive? Yes. Are you still suicidal? Hopefully no. Now when you figure out that there are plenty of kids who don't make it, maybe this barrage of "you've nevers" will lose whatever power you think they hold. I don't bring up my life's horror stories and mistakes to compete with you do I?

Fine, the past is the past. Those people who are worse off are just plagued by the devil and the ones you say who are happy have only some false shroud because true happiness and love can only come from our Lord.

I again, can't stop you from associating everything with your faith. Demonizing things with the devil character and raising all the good times to God. All I can do is ask that right before you say this, you pause and ask yourself if maybe, someone has just pulled your string.

[137] Ugh

I have to believe I am smarter than a grade I get in college. I have to think that me not understanding in class when I pay attention and copy word for word what is being said, it is more the fault of the teacher and how they “teach.” I’m not in school for me, and I’m not sure I ever have been. Why did I seem to love school when I was younger? Why did I, for the greater part, really enjoy working at Showplace? I need fast paced, challenging tasks, and an almost no opportunity to rest or I fail. There is a vast amount of difference between a challenge and a pain in the ass. A challenge implies to me that there is something maybe only you could do be. Millions of people have passed college with all A’s. When I was younger, I made my work into a challenge to see how fast I could get it done perfectly. At work, I ran from theater to theater and had to figure people out who would be best suited for what job. In school, I get hours between classes, ranges of homework from ten minutes to maybe a few hours if I’m cramming for a test, and people that don’t seem to have much of a personal goal, let alone a will for a collective initiative.

I think I’m failing at life. I don’t even occupy my vast amount of down time with even vaguely productive things I claim I like. I’m trying to force myself to change my feelings and modes of thought, though I already know the effort is futile. This isn’t because I can’t act a certain way, but I think I have to bite the bullet and say there are something things you just feel, or at least particularly don’t.

I think Mystik will fail. I don’t think it will fail because its a bad concept. I don’t think it will fail because of the people behind it. I don’t think it will fail because of bad luck or random mistakes. I think it will fail because people fail. They don’t understand and don’t care to. They can change, but only when they are forced to. And evolutionarily speaking, what else should we expect? I read a blog recently that reiterated the idea of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” People don’t recognize any problems. They don’t see the holes and they don’t allow themselves to get depressed thinking about them. Sure, they think. They have hints of cogniscence here and there. They get concerned when a venerable, and dare I say convenient, cause comes along, but I feel this is only to satisfy a base human itch. How do you make people understand something?  

[132] Holy Hell House

Monday, September 15, 2008 at 6:24pm

Holy Hell. (Almost too perfect of a phrase for this level of irony.)

I just got done watching Hell House. Familiar feelings of sadness, desperation, and anxiety coupled with my heart beating faster and breath quickening signal the flag to write. Using fear to show how much Jesus loves you, a theme I will never understand. Abortions, being gay, going to raves, and even being picked on will lead to suicide, rape, and devil characters speaking in funny voices about how terrible the world is. The whole production is really quite sick. If you thought the charge of “death cult” was a bit harsh on the Christian community, I urge you to watch this documentary.

It will continue to baffle me someone who says something like, “we aren't doing anything, it is all up to God.” We built the house, came up with the script, and auditioned the actors, but now is the time to really see God's work. Whether you completely disagree with how the scenes were set up or not, its “really” about, bottom line, whether or not you have a relationship with Jesus. All the time spent on the juicy details was just to get their rocks off I guess.

Perhaps the most troubling is how adamant they are about marginalizing the serious problems that plague us. With the cheeriest of smiles someone will state, “We live in a horrible, horrible place, and we are beginning the end times, BUT it's always nice to know eternity is waiting for us. ::giggle::” You think you've been mind-fucked by watching meat spin and 2 girls 1 cup? Try being a 7-12 year old contemplating what it will be like to suffer and burn for all eternity. If you watch, you'll see their looks, and its absolutely gut wrenching. I think as a way of combating their fear they make these little plays, and talk so matter-of-factly about it, so that it doesn't creep in when they're alone. I would liken this to behavior of soldiers under extreme duress, laughing or joking about nearly missing the roadside bomb perhaps.

Obviously, nothing is sacred to me, and I'm just as quick to joke about rape, suicide, and being gay, but there is a truly fundamental difference between my disposition and theirs. I've at least dealt first hand with people who've discussed feelings and thoughts about life's problems, and we've worked on making things better. I fully appreciate and recognize what those events, and thoughts on them, can and will do. These people speak from a position of their own desperation. They are so blaze and cavalier it's as if rape and suicide were gum drops and candy canes. Ugh, I really wish I could put this better and I apologize if I'm unclear. But Nick, don't you tell people to commit suicide and that you'll rape them? Yes, but I feel people understand that I understand where I'm coming from. These people are simply blind, or perhaps in denial. FUCK....okay, what it boils down to is this, look at their faces, their eyes, how their lips move when they are discussing some scene or personal issue, these are things you'll never find when your looking at me.

Blatant transition from review to factual digression. I was arguing with, I believe his name is Chuck, about the difference between philosophy and science. He feels that philosophy can use the factual evidence of science, as well as rules of logic, as stepping stones to help “prove” (or better establish?) things beyond science. Apparently, I'm not trained in logic, and have a mere opinion about what science is and how it operates. Let it be known as well, the figures portrayed in the Expelled movie should be made to be marginalized and felt bad about their empty speculations about evolution, and lies about how they were received when they questioned it. Remember, science has rules, philosophy is subject to the failings of how we perceive ourselves to be right. I direct you to any "revision" in modern terms of what some philosopher thought another was thinking. Science is based on evidence. Predict first, confirm later. Philosophy can take anything from anywhere, mix it in a blender, and say “hey, look how deep I am.” Do I think philosophy is important and has its roles, sure, but to claim that it is somehow another “science” is to belittle and misunderstand what science is. This is not an opinion.

What I'm afraid of is missing out on life. This is not a fear of death. Being comfortable with dying is not the same thing as acting opposed to self preservation, as Fritz tried to explain/argue to me earlier. I fear that my life will be negatively impacted by people who are driven by modes of thought that “just want to make them happy.” I'm afraid that the ideas of real people and real experiences will pass over so many lives that we are driven to deny any semblance of their presence, as portrayed so beautifully by the people in Hell House, revival meetings, and bible camps. These people understand nothing about themselves and are thenceforth doomed to suffer and become slaves to themselves. Coining the phrase Blind Puppet Masters (For those Dawkins fans). I feel like notions of passion are dead. We are exposed to everything so we feel like there is nothing left to create, but this is just isn't so. It doesn't even take a lot to make a meaningful contribution, but you have to, this moment, realize that it is in fact you who are choosing to make it.

URL here: http://atheistmedia.blogspot.com/2008/09/hell-house-2001.html

[131] Walking Contradiction

Thursday, September 11, 2008 at 11:36am 

Let’s be clear from the beginning. The purpose of this blog is for YOUR MERE SPECULATION. After a rather exhilarating, let’s say conversation, it has come to my attention that perhaps I have no idea who in fact I think I am. Do I have emotions? Am I quick to judge? Is there something, a key component to humanity, that I either suppress, deny, or disavow that actively separates me from the happy vibe everyone else is on? I’m really rather intrigued because I had a flurry of accusations about my character hurdled at me tonight and I’d like to see if they are right, especially because I feel they were so emphatically wrong.

I guess I’ll put it this way. Assuming life is a game, if I make people cry and get angry by “doing me,” who “wins” in that conversation? I mean it’s becoming a recurrent theme of me making people cry just by talking with them, and I’m not sure why. Ok, that’s kind of a lie, but me telling you I understand why would only exude my know-it-all arrogance, right?

I guess I will tell you that I regard myself as “perpetually meh.” I’m definitely not depressed, but I’m far from perfectly happy. I actively search out opportunities to laugh and have a good time, and those are exceedingly good times. I don’t know, there really isn’t much to say because all I was really left with was confusion lol, so I’m leaving it up to you to either confirm or deny the things I, honestly can’t remember in whole, but will spark something if I hear again. So again, your thoughts, meager understanding, and wild speculation is what I’m after. And remember kids, its all for fun, you won’t hurt my feelings :).

13 comments

Updated about 2 months ago

Daniel Noah Robbin wroteat 3:12pm on September 11th, 2008 "Am I quick to judge?" Yes, I think so. You're too hard on people with religious faiths. Now, maybe I'm not being correct because I'm not around you on a personal level. I'm just gauging my opinion from what you've written in your Notes. So, if I'm wrong, tell me. My grandmother died peacefully and happily this summer from battling cancer a second time. Throughout her battle, she was ready to die (Though she never lost the will to live) because she knew she was going to heaven whenever her time came. It did on June 19th and out of all the people I have ever met and known, she is the only one I know who would ever deserve to live in eternal paradise. She was the kindest, most generous person I ever knew. Her faith brought her joy in a time of pain and I'm glad for that. Whether I agree with her beliefs or not, I wanted her to die in peace. In its purist form, religions claiming peace, love, and understanding are all fundamentally good. I now know this from experience and I can only hope that others will come to know it too. *I know that religion can also be corrupt and used for acts of a malicious nature but I'm speaking outside of that spectrum for now.* Report - Delete

Daniel Noah Robbin wroteat 3:16pm on September 11th, 2008 So, I guess my main point is this: Be patient with those who disagree with you. As long as they aren't hurting themselves or anyone else, there should be no problem. :) Report - Delete

Byron R. Turner II (McKendree) wroteat 3:32pm on September 11th, 2008 "Am I quick to judge?" Fuck yea you are, but there is no reason to waste time on a person stuck in their religion box. All I have to say about who you are is that your are NICK. The asshole, the heartless relgion basher, the go geter, the good cop,smooth talker. People look at your surface and assume that that is your whole being, as is the case for most people. But that is not true, why should you be super happy anyway. Are you content with your position in life, I know I'm not and I'm not going to be happy to I reach my goals which I assume is the same for. So, I guess my main point is: Be a asshole to those who disagree with you. As long as they are around they are hold you back . Do what you can to crush people like that, because if you don't try to correct them who will. Their influence already has infultrated our lifes, someone has to stand against them. Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 3:48pm on September 11th, 2008 Daniel, I feel I must clarify. Your grandmothers situation is one I would obviously not go after nor feel obligated to inform her of my ideals as she's about to die. Yes, to that end it made her happy, didn't harm anybody, all is well. When it comes to people hurting themselves, this could be a long answer but I'll try to sum it up. When your taught as a child the very idea of eternal hellfire for thought crimes, I feel it is quite obvious the mental harm you cause yourself stressing over whether or not you will end up there. I can both attest to this and have seen the support programs for people well into their 60's and 70's who still suffer from such mental anguish. When it comes to patience, I don't feel I could be anymore patient. I have spent months talking to people who eventually forced me to leave the conversation with statements about how they would have their children killed and why apes aren't talking. I spend hours compiling links and information for those I feel might be better understood after having watching it only to get ignored and answered with some non sequiter argument or tantrum. I source check everything someone gives me that is actual evidence as well. When it comes to me judging, I think we should investigate under what circumstances I do, and what prompted me to come to any conclusion as a result of it. Something I tried to explain to the gentleman last night, I make predictions for people. When those people confirm the prediction, I find it harder to respect them. Also, I generally get a flurry of thoughts, again thoughts, that judge the shit out of everyone I meet. If I see behavior that reinforces those initial thoughts, I don't feel guilty or wrong for being "judgmental" because they've only confirmed my initial speculations. It isn't as if I fold my arms and say "All fat people are lazy and not worth talking to, or anybody who claims a religion is automatically deluded and has nothing to say to me." Delete

Daniel Noah Robbin wroteat 3:51pm on September 11th, 2008 Like I said, I don't know you personally enough. Thanks for the explanation. You're on a good trek towards self-realization, it seems. Keep at it! Oh, and my name is Noah. No need to be professional, Nick. Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 3:53pm on September 11th, 2008 Byron, quite obviously I agree. I don't want to waste my time with people who I can't even vaguely see will be worth it. I'm never content, I just am, another point most people can't catch too readily. I like the word crush, but I aim to take it a step farther and provide a platform from which they can rebuilt themselves. Key theme, them being aware and actively choosing who they are and what decisions will reflect their aim. Also, I fully agree, if I don't try, I can't expect anybody else to, nor feel warranted in bitching about them in the first place. Delete

Billy Bowman (Bloomington, IN) wroteat 8:33pm on September 11th, 2008 Alrite Nick, anyone hurling accusations at you is only doing so because.. well, you were probably being you, and offended them, and they just couldn't handle that. Not your fault, some people just can't take criticism. I'd say you have emotions, just not the same mind set as most so they may see you as cold and emotionless, especially since you yourself are 'too science minded' to by into emotions being much more then chemical reactions, neurons, etc. As for quick to judge, I really don't think you are. You judge people, there's no doubt about that, but considering just how much you THINK about everything, the reading you've done, seminars you've attended, people you watch, you're not doing so quickly by any means. You really seem to gather your information quite carefully, and once you have it all, and whomever your victim might be is feeling smug, in all likelihood thinking they've left you stunned and speechless, you use all that information to unleash a hellstorm of judgment. As far as your arrogance and wanting to 'wins' conversation goes, i don't see it. I suppose it is arrogant to think of yourself as more informed, but it's really the reality of the situation. I dare anyone to challenge the amount of material you've gone through to get to where you stand to day. I sure as hell couldn't. I've never seen you attempt to win a conversation, only either try to inform someone, or at least get them to try to inform themselves (which probably comes off as "i'm fucking smarting then you, listen to me damnit" because people are dumb as hell, and really are pretty closed minded) OR.. make yourself laugh, no matter who you offend. In a related note, if i were to criticize 99% of the people i know in this fashion, they'd hate me for at least a week, which shows something about your character. Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 8:49pm on September 11th, 2008 Lol the weirdest thing about the conversation is that I wasn't criticizing the person, I was just explaining who I am and why his assessment wasn't correct. Delete

Billy Bowman (Bloomington, IN) wroteat 8:52pm on September 11th, 2008 ..So.. They just started hurling accusations? Report - Delete

Colin Hampton wroteat 9:09pm on September 11th, 2008 Having only known you for a week or so now, I would have to say, while you are quick to judge in some cases, you are usually correct in your assumptions about people. Unfortunately for a few of us, people (including myself at times) generally acquiesce to certain stereotypes that demean humanity as a whole. As such, we are easily grouped into rather bland collections. As for your being adept at cracking down on people with religious views, you obviously know that there is a time and place for such things and that under certain circumstances, it is unacceptable even by your lax standards. You have just as much a right to speak your mind on your religion, or lack there of. In any since, you are a good guy. You are a great friend to many, and, as I have personally seen, you do not hesitate to help someone else out when you are able. I know its cliche, but don't change you for anyone but you. Keep doing what you're doing. Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 9:19pm on September 11th, 2008 Mr. Bowman, Ya lol kinda. Tried to analyze me and whatnot. And yes, all I can do to stay sane is keep laughing. Colin, Thank you sir, I ain't changin :) Delete

Rosalina Elliott wroteat 9:51pm on September 11th, 2008 Alrighty Nick, this is my time to jump in... No shit, you judge people. Everyone at one point in their lives will judge people. There is no innocent person here that can say that they do not do that. However, here is the point that differs you from everyone though: You are not afraid to tell people your judgements. It can come off as rude at times because it may not be "socially acceptable" to do so. We already had a conversation about this topic previously, but I will restate some points and add some new ones. You say these things to (A) because you just want to say something about the topic (B) want to get a good/bad reaction from what you say (C) you actually want to have an (gasp) intelligent non-rehearsed conversation with someone or (D) I think you want to have a conversation with someone that can stand up for themselves and possibly shock you with a new idea. Random side note, you can come off as intimidating because of the strong stances you take. I give you kudos though because your judgements are created after careful thought and usually are dead on. As for the warm touchy feely emotions, you do have them. You showed the bad side of it when that stupid girl came in front of your car. I think you do show the good side of it when people do wrong to your friends. Most people don't get to see or care to take the time to look for that side. Keep writing. Whether or not people agree with what you say, at least it is interesting... Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 10:19pm on September 11th, 2008 I must say, I rather enjoy these assessments. I do appreciate you taking the time to offer your inputs. Ms. Rosie, I will indeed keep writing, especially since the one time I tried to stop I went damn near insane lol. I'm glad you put in (D) because that really is one of my main focuses that gets quickly overlooked. Ultimately, I'd like people to just learn, and most importantly be honest, about themselves, because after that they'll know everything they need to know about me :).