[67] Those Books Get Me Going

I've gotten about a fourth of the way through "The Portable Atheist" and, go figure, I can all but refrain from banging my head against the wall when I think about what I'm reading in the book contrasted with what I'm hearing from the faithful position. When I said that arguments people use today were used, and thoroughly refuted in the past, it was a grand understatement. People are slaves to themselves, and we can see this when we understand why we are slaves to history. The same recurring patterns in thought don't just magically arise from the One True Basin of stupidity, but they do in fact remain alive when people excuse their ignorance. I've made it a concentrated effort on my part to not just be another non-believer. I cannot say I've been equally respected from the other side. It angers me to think that brilliant people have put sometimes their lives on the line to expose the pure and blatant illogical premises and contradictions in theistic arguments, and yet authors today are still received with the same garbled and recycled bullshit, to put it frankly, as some logical equivalent to be wrestled in a debate arena. 

"An evangelical preacher is not obliged to be well read" George Eliot. This is one of I assure you many lines that stood out for me while reading and its simplicity speaks to why the factuality behind it is so powerful. It is not exactly easy to sit and read a 400 page book on anything, and most people today are masters at finding every excuse in the world as to why they are too busy or too disinclined to find the time to read anything. This is more than just a tragedy, because now instead of simply being able to write off the ill-informed as meaningless and insignificant, we now have a regular wall of ignorance of beleaguered despots who spout their "Divine Word" as if its stemming from this universal desperate position which requires a level of piety only understood by the truly inoculated to the falsehoods of this pitiful word.

I used to say that I was ok if someone believed in something as long as it did not hurt anyone and made them happy. I don't know if I'm entirely comfortable with the position as it is becoming too vast of an issue to account for solid definitions regarding harm, happiness, belief, or god. The one position I still maintain is that people are self centered and be it through a gaping hole or passive one, all of their actions will be traced back to something self fulfilling. This isn't to say that progressive and helpful actions have anything taken away from them, but when you read enough and listen to the brain scientists lecture the real facts about your humanly situation sink in.

Here's an anecdote that will help illuminate why I'm so presently frustrated. I'm reading this book, I have another one lined up, and I've just sat through another few hours of Beyond Belief lectures. My mother, who I've disregarded as such and never treat in a way that would make sense for her to continually talk of thinking and praying for me, sends me A Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. This I not only found to be simply pathetic, but overtly offensive. I've spend the time to actually learn and establish a position, her half-assed attempt at reaching out and connecting is to throw a too typical piece of insufferable lacking in coherence book at the duh-fact that I like to read. It really bothered me that when I picked it up to discover it was a book within the wrapping, no other book popped into my mind about what it would be when I opened it. "Christian" is not some stance on life that can assert its truth and authority over your dominion, it's a PATHETIC and TELEGRAPHED set of demonstrable beliefs that work on the people who dwell in bullshit excuses. I'm sick of finding no other word to describe instances like this as anything but typical. I want to burn the book, take pictures, and send them to her with a simple "you've got to be kidding me" note attached. That woman actually believes that her prayers may in one way or another work and manifest into some "miracle" that I guess is supposed to make us civil with each other. And if not, o well it is still will be just some hard to deal with part of her god's plan.

All these people hoping for heaven and talking of this sad and depressing situation they find themselves in. Who are you and why are you looking for trouble? People who are this sad and lonely all the time must be asking for it because the, while pissed off, unbeliever here remains pissed off, I'm never sitting back rubbing my hands together for what may be some day promise from biblical yokels. You have a fucking choice in regards to how you think and act during your life and if you don't realize it soon I'm going to make it a personal vendetta to bring shame and ridicule upon dealers of this faith based drug. I tried to leave it up to people to take self responsibility and evolve, yet that does not appear to work ,so in retort the unapologetic activist can step in.

Another thing, stop levying the charge starting with "Have you read such and such book" because 99 times out of 100 what your trying to say about me has nothing to do with a bigger point I'm trying to make. The very title of Rick Warrens book to me presupposes that those without a belief in god cannot find purpose which is utterly insane and offensive. I've listened to Rick Warren talk about the book and his position, he seems like a nice guy. I've listened to Dan Dennett refute a key gaping logic aspect to the book and I've perused it a bit myself. Forgive me if I'm sick of hearing the same things and played out notions again and excuse my resistance to biblical quotes poised as evidence. Lee Strobel, who's famed "Case for Christ" is frequently suggested to me, has a degree in law, not physics, not theology, not biology, not astronomy, not a plethora of other things that he haphazardly skews together as this magnificent case. Not to mention the 2 part, like 3 hour long absolute tearing apart of the "documentary" he made based from the book. And finally the bible. What's the biggest thing people want to do in defending their faith? Hands down, quote the bible, close second comes some personal experience story. By me playing by their rules, quoting the bible, I can make them look just as stupid as they make themselves, yet unless I read the entire thing and from their opinion,or "faithful understanding" no less, my simple charges of it not being factually, morally, logically, and scientifically correct don't just up and disappear because you've tried to divert the issue and discredit my "interpreting" ability. Then try to get me started on all the people you've never even heard of, let alone read.

I don't think you deserve your truth. It'd be like handing a 12 gauge to a five year old. I still don't think I'm "better" than any of the people that so frequently piss me off, but I do think my information is better, trustworthy, and verifiable. I think my position is supported and can be independently confirmed. My way of thinking provides clarity and truth to people who are ready to find it. And this is not because I'm some ordained prophet who's had some secret revealed to me about the nature of life, nor because I think I can survive death.

For the love of Goodness will you please encourage the faithful to pick up, o I dunno, maybe 1 or 20 of the books written in the last few hundred years that explain why they no longer need to inculcate dogma to be happy. Maybe people will stop feigning like their glorifying god and start to glorify life.

[167] Never Add Up Anyway

Friday, December 26, 2008 at 6:46am

I'm struggling to keep looking at my world as filled with opportunity instead of shit. I am constantly remind why I don't like people and see humanity as a doomed species. Every turn a new slap in the face. New people and new conversations results in me further digging my heels into my, for lack of a better word, convictions. I suppose the best way to describe how I see things is just relay the stories that prompt me to write.

My uncle knows a millionaire. This guy isn't just a millionaire, he's a millionaire without a job or responsibility, and every penny is from a trust fund. He plays video games and drinks with all of his time. He owns four cars all hundreds of thousands of dollars, and he can't drive any of them because of too many D.U.I.'s. Not only can't he drive these cars that he buys despite this fact, he gets them detailed and upgraded, presumably to make his driveway look that much cooler. Currently, the theory is that he's in jail because my uncle's been unable to contact him two months. People like this guy pain me in a way that is practically indescribable. I'm trying to fight my way through hundreds of people that may or may not be helpful to me to make fractions of what this guy was handed. I need to go out on a limb to afford and stay within the restrictions of a rented house, that probably costs as much as the paint job on one of his cars. I'm more than likely going to have to go through years of hit and miss, hard fought knowledge and potentially helpful, more often harmful, contacts that might grant me the kind of time and money he has (or had) to be happy and find something productive to do. What does that say about the nature of struggling and fighting for shit when there are people who literally have everything you want in life and still find it in them to be depressed and pathetic?

I would be just as happy with the money if I won the lottery or if I had a successful business of some kind. Why? It isn't just about amassing money, it's about facilitating happiness. If I had a way to build a bad ass custom designed house on an island where I could throw parties, learn all kinds of cool shit, eat the greatest foods, and practice enjoying every second of every day without money, I'd do it. Our world isn't playing that game. We are compelled to stick to the system because the vast majority of the weak willed, ill-informed, frankly useless people were brought up to believe that it is the only thing that will get them by.

A second ongoing story that reminds me of the true colors of our species is how unbelievably wasteful we are. Byron and I were sitting at Denny's and looked over at the next table where two basically full plates of food were left. This doesn't bother me because of the tired adage about it being shipped to some poorer foreign country. This bothers me because of how little thought goes into what it took to get that food to their plate. How many people they implicate in their decision to order food and then not eat it. It wastes the time of the waitress, cooks, dishwashers, food processors, packagers, etc. It wastes the actual animal that died to grow cold on a plate. It says to the people selling the food that people will pay absurd amounts of money to not eat. All of this affects cost, quality of food, and the service. Quite simply, when people do shit like that they fuck everyone. We are a species imbued with the notion that it is all about us, our decisions affect our lives and it's no one else's business, and that just isn't the case.

Humanity is no longer about survival of genes. Everyone you've ever seen and asked yourself "how in the hell did they have kids?" should testify to that. There is no reason to behave as if it's us vs. them. If there was any real competition going on, you'd think you'd see faster adaptation, all the cool innovations reserved for science fiction and movies. The last time we competed for anything was with Russia to get to the moon. The litany of things invented, experimented with, and learned was staggering compared to the retardation of our current mental climate. Everyone wanted to be a scientist and had real dreams and prospects that they felt were worth working towards. What do we see today? Cars that can run on water and electricity sprinkled on the public like they haven't existed or been perfected just quite yet. GM CEOs making millions pumping out the same bullshit cars, practicing dumb ass business ethics and policies, and eager to step on as many heads as it takes to keep getting millions of dollars worth of bonuses.

To me, all of this speaks to the bulbous, festering, rainbow colored elephant humping grandma in the room screaming "NO ONE CARES!" No one seems to care about shit. They don't care about their bodies, if they have healthy relationships, how they come across to other people, where their going, or where they've been. I don't see people who enjoy life, I can't find people eager to learn, and I barely find people that relate on my too frequently alluded to "level." Within all of this I'm just wondering where the room is for me to care. We are products of nature. Our cities are our jungles and shaking hands instead of touching antennae with our fellow ant people doesn't seem like a stretched metaphor. If my world consists of so many overwhelming amounts of people who emulate what I see as the destruction of life, and absolutely revel in it, what hope is there? No man is an island. I can't be happy alone, but I can't be happy catering to contradictions and destructive behaviors to my well-being. Some "struggle" that is.

I just wish people were wise to the nature of their selfishness. I understand the concept of everyone helping everyone, makes everyone happier and fulfilled. I can't understand or empathize with being a martyr for some philosophy or ideal that already understands why people won't understand or care to adopt said philosophy or ideal. We're going nowhere. There's nothing more to gain. Why attack and degrade what you have? Why squander the chance to flourish and experience? Maybe it isn't even that no one cares, they all just think that's what everyone else is thinking. Maybe they've been born into a society where the rules have been set, and those rules aren't designed to challenge or provide room for what people care about. Either way, I still don't see the hope. I don't see a way out of falling in line, playing by the rules, squandering most of my time on things that never needed to be there. While the prevailing feeling is anger, I'm not decided on how I'm going to react to this atmosphere.

 David Dyer at 11:19pm December 26, 2008

or maybe bowman its like sewing a sweater, you cant just make the sweater from no where you have to start at one point and make it little by little.

 Billy Bowman at 11:19pm December 26, 2008

I'm unsure.. another failure in my idea.. my original ideas include destruction of world governments and systems.. which seems feasible if you had a few fanatics willing to commit mass murder.. but adds another flaw to the idea..

 Billy Bowman at 11:21pm December 26, 2008

All good in theory Dave, but as I said, your thoughts on helping people one at a time.. it's treating a symptom, not the problem. The problem is how society operates as a whole, peoples suffering is a result of that.

 David Dyer at 11:23pm December 26, 2008

and by helping those people you don't think some will in turn help others and may eventually help in fixing society as a whole?

 Billy Bowman at 11:25pm December 26, 2008

No. That's part of the problem. People are selfish, they want everything handed to them and want to do nothing in return. People are lazy, they'd rather do nothing then do something. People.. people are the part of the problem...

 Byron R. Turner II at 11:48pm December 26, 2008

To Greg who asked “how can we separate anyone but ourselves and maybe the ones close to us?” in reference to the "game"
My answer to that is we can't separate anyone outside of ourselves and maybe a few others that are close without resorting to a more primitive state ( which is unfeasible in numerous ways)

To David that asked “why not spread our ideas?” referencing ending of the "game"
My answer is that you can spread your ideas but they will simply be viewed as radical and unrealistic. - That is why I suggest that we all try to play the “game”, win the “game” and live out your life with those who are close to you in complete freedom.

 Byron R. Turner II at 11:49pm December 26, 2008

Btw I know for a fact that Anarchy is more feasible than changing the future with idealistic ideas. How many revolutions that resulted in temporary anarchy can you name? Compare that to the number of revolutions or better yet revitalization caused by the planting of ideas in hope they will affect the future?

- Before you use a example of some idea that was planted and eventually shaped the future, think about whether it was simply a part of the game or not.

 Nick P. at 1:26am December 27, 2008

Drei, I'm not just coming to it. I'm more dismayed that you thought I have. I thought the majority of my blogs semi-touched this notion when I rant about christians. I've known this all for as long as I can remember, just instead of sounding like a downer who can't stop bitching, I wait till it boils up enough to want to write.

Greg, I would hardly say anyone is trying to conjure up some mystical act that magically convinces people how to think. I doubt anybody here thinks that's possible either. This isn't a blog about the meaning of life. If anything it's to magnify the point that we already know the ways to "reach" people, but there is no personal inert sense or driving force that is making someone's words or ideas more compelling than a tv commercial. I wouldn't say that people don't have influence, just that in lieu of what I see as the problem, it's marginalized and insignificant.

 Nick P. at 1:26am December 27, 2008

Another problem I see in this statement, Greg.

"That alone makes it a better avenue than moping about how pointless it is."

This I feel belittles the role of being honest and angry about the truth of our situation. This isn't me moping and throwing a fit. Regardless of the discourse, I hardly believe anybody is going to drastically change where their at on the subject, assuming they understand it, which only helps reinforce my point and problem again. Immediately I feel the move to get "centered" or deep within wordplay so that the pure emotional revulsion I feel about this is lost in meager words. This endless cycle and struggle all built into the contract.

 Steev Young at 6:23pm December 27, 2008

To Bowman. I think that your mass murder idea might work. If you haven't seen in history mass murder isn't mass murder if you are on the winning side. Think about the white man and the native americans. So make sure that you are killing people that the other people wouldn't miss.

If it didn't work that way then make yourself a martyr while you do it. That way there might be a chance if you do it right that people will look up to you and your vision of how theings should be.

These are might thoughts on this.

[66] Random Nothingness

I personally don't find any of this terribly interesting or worth talking about, but if you choose to read the rest of this random thought thing, you've been duly warned.

What's your ailment? I think it's a choice. I'm watching fat camp and most these kids would like to blame their crappy fat lives on their weight. Half the kids are on some pill or another to help their mood or to treat diabetes.  I'm just wondering if anybody else feels like that have that thing, that one tiny thing, that can be at least partially blamed for one or more aspects of their lives. I try to look at myself and say, ok I'm not fat, but I'm not in shape. I'm not stupid or a genius. I don't have medications or special shoes for flat feet. I'm not Greek hairy but I am hairy European enough.  The only thing I would say I let get in the way of my life would be my head. Too much thinking, go figure. So what's your thing? This one chick in particular is extra pathetic, and I quote "I need ointment for my legs, I'm disabled, omg I think I just got stung by a bee." I don't think I know, or at least don't hang with, people who bitch like that. Lmao she's crying in the grass now because she fell over like a lead zeppelin.  This kid Petey (asshole)is a trip too. Crying for talking shit about people, blames it on his bi-polar disorder. I guess that you'd just have to watch this stuff for yourself because it's such a "I have to talk shit about this" situation I can't handle it anymore.

 I think I need to just start talking to hear myself think. Disjointed nothing thoughts commence. It's the day before Christmas, we don't have a tree, I think something weird is in the air. Not just here, like everyone. People are tapping into a new place in their lives collectively. I'm not a hundred percent sure if it is totally a good thing. I repeat, we don't even have a tree. Christmas is supposed to have all the cliché typical happy stuff attached to it right? What happened to that. It isn't some "o I'm getting older and the magic is lost" type thing. Its "I look at the houses in every neighborhood and see a handful with lights or a tree in the window." When people don't even want to be….happy?....fake…

People are so transparent. I'm sure I am, that's why honesty is the best policy even if u look weird. I'm starting to get confused about what I can trust. Like if I blamed some disorder or weight problem for things in my life at least I'd know outright that I was crazy and have priority issues. But if I have the confusion in all the thoughts…hmm lol. I think its because I'm impartial to like everything. I can put on any front, that's just for mingling on the surface. Deep down I just don't have any feelings about shit here or there. I'm so meh. "really now 2 girls one cup, nukes in Korea, and u just got cancer? Meh." I think this is the source of all really stupid decisions. When your right here and don't know what to make of it. I know I need productivity, whatever that is, but running into walls is more a bitch.

Something deep and insightful was supposed to go here but I lost that train of thought. I'm thinking the only thing left to do is just exist. In whatever form. Kind of baseless and meaningless, but at least its something. As the pattern seeking animal I am I suppose I'd prefer a bad explanation/excuse to a lack of one. I know I want to get my couple of business endeavors off the ground, but I don't want to wait until college's opinion is that I'm ready to know how to do it right. I'd drop out if I had a mentor for a job where what I knew was integral to the operations.  Hands on , this is your life. I am a susceptible to the idea that there is nothing to do, when the real issue is that I don't want to do it if I can't do it right. Actually I don't want to do it if I can't be the best at it. Probably why I take ideas and tweak them into vague originality so I can feel like I'm the only one that could pull it off.

I don't like the idea of formality. People are weird. I feel like I watch them like I watch the discovery channel. Blame reality tv? One thing I'm learning about from this fat camp thing DON'T WRITE NOTES. They get shared. I'm sick of stupid movies too. Its either carbon copies of played out ideas or some message movie that doesn't really make you think like it may have hoped. And I doubt it even hoped. I want to sleep. Just sleep all the time and dream. Even if they are fucked up nightmare dreams, I just want to sleep and play with the movies in my head. So randomly going back to my people are so transparent thing, I'd like to add that they are regular plate glass windows when they are in relationships. Just what is the point if you don't like the person? Have your fun together but don't exchange leashes.

It is now 7 and I've stayed up all night and managed to talk about nothing. If you've read this far I did preface this with just how blah it would be.

[166] Those Gay Atheist Signs

Those gay atheist signs

Thursday, December 11, 2008 at 6:11pm

I'm catching up on all my atheistmedia.blogspot.com videos and the recurring theme is these signs that are "hateful" and mocking of christians. Champions of stupidity like O'rally and Donahue get so worked up from their insecure and ignorant positions. The signs don't say a single word about christians, let alone one filled with hate or that would insight violence. Freedom of speech is just that. If you can say things about atheists or put up a nativity scene, you have your right. You also have the right to be mocked and ridiculed or, your god forbid, corrected and made to be looked at as ignorant. The fact that it talks about religion and doesn't say "All christians are dumb ass cunts who believe in fairies and damage kids with hellfire stories" I think shows immense restraint and sturdy disposition. The real point is that it doesn't matter how you feel about what someone has to say about you or your beliefs. The point is they do, and will continue to have the right to say so. How there could be so many news reports saying the same things and the same, completely twisted objections is beyond me. And for the record, I still unbelievably hate how belittling and childish the "questions" come off when Fox fuckers attack an atheist speaker.

Another theme was the Prop 8 musical. Hilarious btw. Again, the same objection, it's hateful and inappropriate for the season. It isn't hateful to satirize the obvious absurdity of someone's position. It's hateful to deny someone rights you wish to have yourself. If your not gay, don't marry a gay person, duh you stupid fuck. I wish I could just convey things through baseball bat. I write a little not, plant it, cork it, then just crack the fuck out of heads. "It's about the tradition and sanctity...." if not the easiest points to object to, these are the most ludicrous. Fucking pricks.

I just read a good article, think I posted it, about what words are and aren't meant to do. It speaks to the heart of my trouble trying to talk to people about faith. One, because they do exactly what I expect when it comes to dodging questions and undermining the integrity of my points. And also, because I can use the same technique, but with actual evidence to back it up, to make them look stupid from the perspective of any objective onlooker. I think keeping this in mind will help me keep rants shorter and battles better chosen. While I knew everything the article was talking about, just the way it came across is making me think harder about my tactics.

I want to just create interpretations and depictions of the stories in the bible. Let's put up pictures of genocide and put the bible verse next to it. I think that would be fun. How many public depictions of stoning will it take to get these fucks to get smarter and shut the fuck up? The great thing is, they would talk and talk about context and it wouldn't matter. I think I may actually try this one.

[165] What's The Real Problem?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008 at 4:35pm

I've been thinking much about free will and the nature of choice. In all reality, my life isn't the least stressful and my general cheery(ha) demeanor is my attempt at staving off breaking down or snapping. I'd bet you know what it's like to have a problem, then two, then ten so on so forth. I'm trying to just write them down and devise a strategy for taking them on one by one. It isn't even the problems in and of themselves that really gets to me. What bothers me is the circumstances that led to them. Not just a bad decision here or there, but the nature of our decisions and why and how we make them. As often as I say I feel free, I'm not sure that is the case. I don't mind being constrained by things like food or the inability to flap my arms and fly. Aside from that, it feels like everything that can be done or said is restrained. Do you have a choice in the classes you take, or is there a set list that others have deemed good enough for you? Can you pick up and drive wherever you want or are there parking restrictions, rules of the road, components of the car that are inadequate that slow you down or distract you from the wind in your hair? The only thing that I've seemed to settle on that could break through this is money. Even when I want to throw a party and just hang out and enjoy time with friends, I still have to think about potential cops coming, noise violations, angry neighbors, kool-aide spills, or someone puking over the balcony, all of which bring added stress and steps to the process of escaping.

When your angry you can't always hit the person you want. When your sick or depressed you can't even find time to yourself when you want. Right now I feel strangled by an idiot roommate, stupid classes, money for bills, responsibility to my dad, and lack of information I wish I had to make my plans come to fruition. I don't have a choice but to dig in and wait shit out. I don't have a choice but to follow every rule and regulation that keeps me in line and subdued. And quite honestly, I want to lash out like a mother fucker, but I can only see it leading to even more constriction and more drama. I've been relying on what I'd like to think is a strong enough will to quell stomach revulsion and snapping. I'm trying to keep the perspective of just being one of millions with more or less handleable problems. When it comes down to it though, it's still my life and my reality. I'm a spec on a spec getting ever smaller, and that fact should be humbling enough to make me not worry. Despite this, I'm not longer finding solace in my relationship with myself.

Sitting here in psyche as she tells us about our biology and what it means for anxiety disorders and maladaptive traits seems to add fuel to the fire. The thought that I might not be in control is frankly unacceptable. I don't believe in fate, even if there is no such thing as free will. I think there are suffering wills, broken wills, empty wills, but what good is a free will? The kind of freedom implies all the bad with the good. Free to contradict, lie, and pretend. There needs to be a wall between that potential for freedom. That wall, at least for me at this point, is constrained by all the wrong things. I want to be restricted by the potential for expression. All that's happening now is the slow tacking on process of "things I have to do." If "that's life" then life is pathetic. I would not want to live if I didn't have a (meager) hope for a way out.

[164] Boys and Girls, The Perfect Debate

Thursday, November 27, 2008 at 8:38pm

While this isn’t prompted by a usual headache that spins off into a piece of brilliant insight, I am banking on the fact that I haven’t written anything tantamount to the amount of thinking I find myself doing. I think I’d like to touch on boys and girls, little ones because their skin is so soft, and how they interact with each other. I also what to mete out what I think it would take to be the kind of persuasive person to convey the “ultimate truth” that I think people are happy and well rehearsed in avoiding.

Now I’m sure this will be a hasty generalization, but I find it peculiar that when it comes to how boys and girls, or should I say men and women if you didn’t get my overtly creepy humor, interact with each other, there are major pitfalls in how the women choose to interpret the situation. I used to think it was simply my mother that would make the elaborate stories in her head about my character or intentions, but my recent endeavors with womanly kind is proving my view to be incomplete. I hesitate to say things like “all women do this,” but I don’t think I would be too far gone if I said many, if not most, of them do. I say this for one main reason, and speculative others I’ll elaborate on shortly. The main reason I feel is because of how they relate amongst themselves. Just as men get a kick out of knowing the same things about such cliches as sports or cars, a woman’s rally point is behind the eternal fight against men. If we speak purely about biology, guys are bigger, more domineering, are, historically speaking, the providers and purveyors of their clan or family. All of this doesn’t simply go away because of suffrage and a few hundred years. In light of this recent history, I can at least imagine, if not fully understand and empathize, why women would choose this line of behavior to characterize men and effectively “chalk one up” on the board for themselves.

Now obviously guys do the same sorts of things. They can underestimate women, make lude comments about how they’ll all act when aunt flow is in town, and outright disrespect their bodies in what may be described as immature jesting. So yes, women, I grant you that there are a plethora of reasons that you can mount a defense from and then counter attack to guys behavior. With that said, I think there is much misunderstanding when it comes to differentiating and dignifying the guys who can recognize when they’ve fucked up or mis-characterized you, and “guys in general.” In order to not have to keep restating this, it would be a safe bet to assume that anything I say about most girls or guys can and does go both ways.

I think I will be able to elaborate on my view if I address the notion of “girl talk.” Mr. Bowman and I found ourselves “struggling” to understand the waves of intricate girl understanding wafting through the air when I invited our female friends to engage us in a sample of this talk, or so it may have appeared. When it comes to girls, it seems as if they believe there is this secret that gets passed around with every phrase or utterance. Conversely, guys are about straight talk. When I describe my interactions or friendships with guys who are “on the level” it is because of this implicit understanding that if I call my friend stupid, he’s not going to go home and dwell on my narrow view of his intelligence and then get angry at me for the next hour or day. This kind of interaction does not carry over to women, at least in the same capacity, in my experience. What I feel happens is a projection of that “secret” that girls are passing around gets implemented into whatever comment or question the guy is asking. As if this isn’t a problem enough, girls minds are wired differently, which means they are going to be the ones who make all sorts of elaborate connections and ties to history that are going to immediately reinforce their perception of your statement. In other words, if I get called stupid, I don’t flash back to every instance my friend has called me stupid to then make a case for how he disrespects me or doesn’t care about my feelings. Nor do I think that the comment relates to my attire, relationship with my parents, or physique.

Now this is not to say that there aren’t times when what the guy says is laden with sarcasm, hidden meaning, and ignorant stabs, but the overwhelming majority of times, I assure you, this isn’t the case.

I am a fan of the show The Pick-up Artist. I can understand why many girls would not see it in the same ways I would, nor do I agree with every tactic or method in Mystery’s arsenal. With that said, the show is not designed to teach you how to become a “player.” The comments from the guys when they get booted off the show resound around the idea that it was a life changing experience, not a missed opportunity to get laid. Mystery makes it a point to answer questions about women or his method in the extras in which he does much characterizing of women as a whole. I can see why this would come off as insulting or short-sided to some women, but again, I see him talking from an evolutionary standpoint, and his personal past evidence, not from a pillar of assumptions he’s trying to batter women with. That is at the heart of my problem with this whole thing, these assumptions that go unchecked, and when challenged, rise up in revulsion with a wave of “how dare you.” This is what I feel the real battle is centered on. A perceptional one, with the guys either too lazy or frankly too stupid to care about making the little changes or being accountable, and girls vehemently entrenched in their method and ideals that culminates in a bubble of “womanly understanding” that alienates and demonizes guys whether they deserve it or not.

If not a purely speculative one, then at least a smaller part of it is an idea more reinforced from comments I hear about women from women. Apparently there are more self conscious and insecure than then men in general, if not dramatically more so. No, I don't find this as a secret or extremely telling, but I do feel it would help to explain why women mount the type of defense they do. If you don't feel good about yourself, no wonder you feel like the guy in question is attacking that aspect of you, regardless of what he's said. If I can supplement my philosophy on top of this whole issue, I would say that it goes back to people not being honest and intimate with themselves. Not understanding why they fail or what they excel at, and not choosing what framework they are going to implement that keeps it all in, key word, perspective. But that could be a digression for another blog.

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Completely switching gears, you may even want to call it a different blog, but this is prompted after the latest debate I watched Hitchens v Wilson, which I’ve posted on my “Some Sources” blog. I’ve watched at least 7-10 debates involving Hitchens, and yet I felt this one came off better than his ones in the past. First, he wasn’t debating a raving lunatic like D’Souza and the format of the debate was conducive to straight question, answer, and clarify like a normal discussion. What was most striking to me was that his examples, which I’ve heard countless times, came off more emotionally impacting than I’ve seen in the past. Essentially, this prompted me to think about my dream debate and why I think it would go over so well. When it comes down to it, there are many complex, confusing, and seemingly contradictory reason why I do and act the way I do. The reason is because there is no other way for me to convey what it is I am in fact feeling or thinking at that moment. I feel like this undermines the integrity of my arguments or statements, but I simply must say so be it, and try even harder and conveying through work and results what it is I’m talking about.

And yet, how to go about this another way? Provide pinnacles of each aspect you see as important to influence as mass group of people. Find a way to portray the overall philosophy that people can feel as justified to identify with in as many ways that they’ve done with modern religion. This is more simply to say, create an all inviting atmosphere with tools people find easy enough to help entrench themselves within it. Christianity works because you can take whatever verse you want, given that it spans the whole of human emotions, and connect in that way. There are all sorts of sects and figures that you can choose from that vibe at your level. So I say, do that for secular ideals and promotion. There are times when I simply want the cool, overtly direct, and masterful use of language the Sam Harris brings to a debate, that I don’t feel some of the others convey as well. Where one may falter, stick in an artful genius to press the point as effectively and far as is able. No opportunity to say “well I’m not a physicist” because Lawrence Krauss is sitting next to you. “I’m not sure if it was Mathew or Mark” can easily be digressed from the point of Rook Hawkins, Dan Barker, or Bart Ehrman.

Just like I consider myself to be the sum of all the parts, be it the people I dignify as friends, the activities I engage in for fun, or my demeanor towards any given person at any time, I think arguments need to be viewed and expressed in this way. I never feel like my meaning is complete by just referring one book or one set of videos, because the essence of the ideals is embodied in everything I’ve learned as well as the process of how I’ve come to learn it. Your arguments and presence should not be constrained by a convergence of your assumptions. Your demeanor should not be a mere retaliation of your strife against others. It may take a relatively long time to come full circle and be able to express true empathy, accept points of contention to better understand an argument, and finally have the will and reason to make necessary changes to your Self and how you express it, but it has to be done. One comment I made the other day resounds through my psyche in one way or another all the time. I really wish everyone could just be happy, informed, expressive, and constructive, but I know I'm not going to have a real choice but to abuse, manipulate, and destroy them. When your "on the level" such a damning fate is impossible. When you understand what it is that I would convey in the perfect debate, nothing more really needs to be said.

 Billy Bowman at 10:17pm November 27, 2008

Was going to say something cliche about how right that first one was, but then I realized cliches piss me off because they sound retarded and decided to go off on a little tangent before I got back to my original point....

Which was, I agree with your first article, more or less, completely. I expect an uproar (as I'm sure you do) from certain ...  Read More people, but whatever. I'll read an respond to your second article (which I'm now going to call these writings of yours for reasons i could explain if you wish but are rather irrelevant to my point..) some other time.

 Chris Cashel-Cordo at 11:29pm November 27, 2008

"Now I’m sure this will be a hasty generalization"

It is.

 Billy Bowman at 12:23am November 28, 2008

When i first read your comment, cash money, i thought it said (or rather.. meant)...

Now I'll give you a hasty generalization: 'It is'

 Nick P. at 2:51am November 28, 2008

Ah, but by me denoting it as potentially hasty and a generalization I would hope you extracted that I understand the grounds I'm playing on and making sure it doesn't come off as overtly ill informed and presumptuous. By saying it anyways, I express my belief, to that extent, that it is not entirely hasty nor in bad taste by generalizing.

 Chris Cashel-Cordo at 8:58am November 28, 2008

I disagree. Its bullshit to try and base an argument off a base generalization. You do it four of five times in your first three paragraphs, and then it keeps showing up. And then you take these as fact. They are not facts. The question here is an interesting one, but an argument based on generalizations will have a hard time holding up to scrutiny.

 Billy Bowman at 12:04pm November 28, 2008

There are issues with basing an entire argument on generalizations, but I have to go with Nick here and say since he did qualify it, you can take it in stride that this argument applies and is only valid in the general case, and that there ARE exceptions--as many as exceptions as you can find that fail to meet one or more of his presumptions that he applied to the general case.

 Chris Cashel-Cordo at 12:09pm November 28, 2008

Fine. But there are more exceptions than examples that fit his generalizations, combined with the authoritative tone, make the argument simply end up seeming pretentious.

 Billy Bowman at 12:12pm November 28, 2008

Very well, however, in my experience, there are far more examples of this misunderstanding and mischaracterization then i find exceptions... as for the reasons, I don't care to speculate, and the ones listed are as good as any i suppose.

 Nick P. at 2:46pm November 28, 2008

"In order to not have to keep restating this, it would be a safe bet to assume that anything I say about most girls or guys can and does go both ways."

Let's remember that when it comes to a topic like this I don't really have a choice but to generalize and draw from my experiences in the past. It's one thing to talk of these exceptions as if they aren't few and far between, and another to hand me a thousand page book detailing how terribly wrong I am. I never once say "This is a fact" and always say how it seems or appears to me. This is also not really an argument, it's me describing my experiences with an issue that really pisses me off. Overwhelmingly in my experience what I describe has been the case, and take the zeitgeist around Hollywood portrayals of this alone to at least hint I'm not yards off base, and many have noticed the same thing. If you wanted an argument I would've made it specific and drawn up concrete examples and cited articles. Me pretentious? I'll just call it ironic given that I wrote it in opposition to the pretentious tone and look that comes my way when I try to understand why a girl is acting a certain way.

[160] Not Feeling Good About Free Will

I've been thinking much about free will and the nature of choice. In all reality, my life isn't the least stressful and my general cheery(ha) demeanor is my attempt at staving off breaking down or snapping. I'd bet you know what it's like to have a problem, then two, then ten so on so forth. I'm trying to just write them down and devise a strategy for taking them on one by one. It isn't even the problems in and of themselves that really gets to me. What bothers me is the circumstances that led to them. Not just a bad decision here or there, but the nature of our decisions and why and how we make them. As often as I say I feel free, I'm not sure that is the case. I don't mind being constrained by things like food or the inability to flap my arms and fly. Aside from that, it feels like everything that can be done or said is restrained. Do you have a choice in the classes you take, or is there a set list that others have deemed good enough for you? Can you pick up and drive wherever you want or are there parking restrictions, rules of the road, components of the car that are inadequate that slow you down or distract you from the wind in your hair? The only thing that I've seemed to settle on that could break through this is money. Even when I want to throw a party and just hang out and enjoy time with friends, I still have to think about potential cops coming, noise violations, angry neighbors, Kool-aid spills, or someone puking over the balcony, all of which bring added stress and steps to the process of escaping.

When your angry you can't always hit the person you want. When your sick or depressed you can't even find time to yourself when you want. Right now I feel strangled by an idiot roommate, stupid classes, money for bills, responsibility to my dad, and lack of information I wish I had to make my plans come to fruition. I don't have a choice but to dig in and wait shit out. I don't have a choice but to follow every rule and regulation that keeps me in line and subdued. And quite honestly, I want to lash out like a mother fucker, but I can only see it leading to even more constriction and more drama. I've been relying on what I'd like to think is a strong enough will to quell stomach revulsions and snapping. I'm trying to keep the perspective of just being one of millions with more or less handleable problems. When it comes down to it though, it's still my life and my reality. I'm a spec on a spec getting ever smaller, and that fact should be humbling enough to make me not worry. Despite this, I'm not longer finding solace in my relationship with myself.

Sitting here in psyche as she tells us about our biology and what it means for anxiety disorders and maladaptive traits seems to add fuel to the fire. The thought that I might not be in control is frankly unacceptable. I don't believe in fate, even if there is no such thing as free will. I think there are suffering wills, broken wills, empty wills, but what good is a free will? The kind of freedom implies all the bad with the good. Free to contradict, lie, and pretend. There needs to be a wall between that potential for freedom. That wall, at least for me at this point, is constrained by all the wrong things. I want to be restricted by the potential for expression. All that's happening now is the slow tacking on process of "things I have to do." If "that's life" then life is pathetic. I would not want to live if I didn't have a (meager) hope for a way out.   

[141] Mostly Independent Not Quite Random Mini Musings

Tuesday, October 21, 2008 at 11:49pm

I get bored easy. It affects everything I do and everyone I meet. The only two things that have yet to bore me would be music and reading. For those of you following along or were wondering what the title of my last blog had to do with anything, I want to explore a new analogy I concocted. To me, people I meet are like songs. When I actually find a reason to call them friend or confidant they become a favorite song. Now being into music, you can imagine I have many favorite songs. If you listen to music then you know that while you'll probably always remember the words and enjoy the beat to one of them, if it played all day every day for months on end you'd get sick of it. Well, this is how it works for me and people. My ever growing play list includes hundreds of songs I fully know and some I can kinda remember for a cool beat or solo idea. Some I'd pay to see live four and five times, others I'd skip in a heartbeat if they didn't vibe with me that day. I feel this is also an appropriate analogy because I'm always listening to and watching these people and they don't realize it. No, not stalker, but paying more attention than I'd let on. Also, just like the majority of songs from Coldplay or U2, if I feel you sound like that, then it's fuck you I don't care what you think or say. But being the objective person I carry on to be, I'd have to acknowledge the redeeming qualities of almost anything none the less. I just hope the people I get along with don't end up on the radio.

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I feel like my clogged toilet is a metaphor for my life at the moment. Granted, this thing would clog if you pissed too much in it, but none the less. I still plan on taking over the campus, but like in every piling shit mound, there’s so much to work through before you can find nuggets of happiness.(assuming you managed to swallow anything worthwhile first) I still hate school, but I’m in the high B to mid C range appropriately as I predicted a few weeks ago, so there’s really nothing new there. I’m moving out of my apartment which smells like god only knows what, and I think it’s going to result in a little more than some of the people involved anticipate. I’m really dissatisfied with the management, but have refrained from going overtly dick and just cussing them out. I’m also rather disappointed in my roommates for bothering to move in in the first place with the apartment smelling as it does. I’m all but decided that I refuse to make my life consisting of a job that requires me to do the same sort of tasks over and over day in and day out. If that means I’m doing nothing and living rather frugally, then so be it. I’m failing at trying to be friends with more and more people because, call it coincidence, the vast majority of people are still exactly how I peg them to be. That isn’t to say that I have no good people to be around, but just as there are many different things you can get from different songs, I’m still looking and wanting more. I need to do such stupid things for the “flow” to progress a little better in my life, and I think my level of rating those things as retarded overrides my drive to finally get them over with.

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A perfect week.

I’m excited to wake up early, around 8 or 9 to run to a studio and hear the newly mixed tracks from a band I’ve been scouting and decided kicked ass enough for me to promote them. We go out to breakfast and don’t even glance at the menu, because price is no factor. I have a “car meeting” where business issues and task are discussed as I head to one of the many enterprises I’ve chosen to invest in. Say cooking perhaps, so I head to the kitchen and take part in learning some new dish or recruiting someone to be head chef at some function I have later in the week. After that I get word of some function or party going on across town, so I hit up as many friends that are free as possible and we rock the fuck out as we roll up in style. There’s a pool, lights, great music, and endless food. The party winds down and I head home where relaxing, perhaps a movie takes place and I get to fall asleep not worrying about when I have to wake up in the morning. The night’s over and I’m up. My house, being ever pimp, is situated on a lake so I grab friends, hit the boat, go water skiing, fishing, and other random water related shit for the better part of the day. We decide the area is boring and pack up to catch the next flight overseas. We arive in, say Paris, find some tour guide who knows where and how to have a good time and spend the rest of the day doing whatever the hell there is to do in Paris. This would of course lead to further traveling across Europe and almost certainly then Asia, if only four the next four days so I don’t have to keep coming up with specifics. We head back home just in time for the S.O.A.D reunion concert, coincidentally at one of my venues because I knew a guy who knew a guy who knows Serj. Now replace any activity with another you can imagine and I’d want to be doing that as well. Include a massive amount of books being finished on plane trips and guitar practice and I’m basically set.

4 comments

Stephanie Smith wroteat 4:13pm on October 22nd, 2008 I love the song and music analogy. It is really true though, and I actauyll find it quite funny that you think this way becasue I too have found myself thinking similarly. I wonder what that means for us though...will people ever be more than just the music that flows through our lives, ever-changing and always going: never to stop and stay a while with us? That is a question I find myself asking over and over again, perhaps you might be closer to understanding the answer than I, if so, let me know for I am still pondering it even as we speak. **Great write by-the-way Nico. Keep it up, before you know, your thoughts will be in a book somewhere so everyone can read them.** Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 4:45pm on October 22nd, 2008 lol I have soooo much writing, and have been told to put them in book, I'm just not cool enough to get published I think. Delete

Stephanie Smith wroteat 9:21pm on October 22nd, 2008 Haha thats great. I have been published once, last year, in a poetry anthology. May I read some of your other stuff sometime? Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 9:25pm on October 22nd, 2008 There isn't enough posted already? lol

[147] I Hate Being Confused

I hate being confused. My motivation is to find the steady state of mind. I probably hate people so much because they are so quick and apt at fucking with that. Or better said, my dumb-ass self allows them to do such. That's why it is easy to disregard them and forget. Once that's accomplished, the mind finds its way back to the path. There must be a reason that I would actively engage in activities which clog my otherwise mental effluence. There's always those opportunities to learn and grow right? You can't get anywhere if you remain complacent and happy. I feel this would make more sense if I felt either complacent or happy. I always just am with spurts that are happy and spurts that aren't. Perhaps it's exciting to feel vulnerable? When you put yourself out on a limb it's the ultimate chance to sink or swim. Any time one can “overcome” said situation, ego boost. A mere and meager ego boost? I like the idea more that it is a dramatic and exciting profession of who you really are and what your capable of. What then, when that ephemeral ego oversteps itself? A level of improvidence so great that you immediately regret your decision. Such times leave those dangerously indelible impressions, and prompt learned behaviors, that “act up” in lieu of more appropriate responses.

When you've reached a “flow” to your life, what law of nature dictates that any attempt at making that flow more understood or improved, must result in the slow alienation of what seemed fundamental in establishing it in the first place? Why use a leaf blower to clean the dust off a house of cards in order to create a “more perfect” house. The house is more like a cheerleader pyramid. We're all wobbling and stuck between everyone else, but the second you start to speculate on reasons your third from the left in the bottom row, your arm gives out and down goes that section. What significance is the “why” if this is the picture? All it appears to have done is make a crash. Of course there's always the other side of the coin. What would happen if the why were never conceived? What lesson can be learned only after the tower has fallen? How much stronger can you make the house, or pyramid, when its comprised of people who are ready to fall, but able to remain salient?

I think this helps elaborate on why I fuck with good things. I want them even better. I think I'm more disappointed when things don't turn out better, than I ever could be at the players involved or my initial act of toying with the knobs. I get egregiously off track when I attempt to propitiate the feelings of those who can't rise above the initial dissatisfaction of the changing atmosphere. When a tacit understanding exists about the superficial actions, for the sake of formality or innocuous “testing,” all fears and worries are want for justification. I'm pining for knowledge and opportunities which more frequently are coming in the form of people.

There's no better place to learn about someone than from them. Too “duh” of a notion? Think of it like this. I've been talking a lot recently about developing relationships(tacit quotes) with people. I'll find myself struggling and thinking about them uncontrollably. This I assure is not because of their charm or spell that's high-jacked my psyche. I'm just dying to know more, to question more, and to push things as far as they'll go. Mr. Bowman said something to the effect last night like, “it just wouldn't be Nick if he didn't go past the envelope.” This isn't just a rule for my “shock comments.” One of my problems is how I come across when I'm trying subdue my mind by prodding for answers. Nor am I always well received when I verbally assail a situation before really knowing all the players. I also fail when it comes to depicting how I “feel” with regard to new information. Well, something to work on right?

In the end it all comes down to honesty for me. I honestly care so little about a few, or perhaps many, awkward moments, and the range of scornful looks to outright hatred of things I do in my “story of how I came to know you.” I'm always asking myself what's the point, and why I even bother, and apparently some part of me realizes that to some extent, it's always worth it. If you don't have the capacity or care to travel with me for your own sake, I can't care about leaving you where you are for mine.   

[140] So Many Favorite Songs

Monday, October 13, 2008 at 3:22pm

Why am I able to feel like I would be able to just not give a fuck about people I say I care about? I think I may be sick. The only way that something becomes "true" is an affirmation of its truth.(For the love of everything holy, don't apply this to how I view science) Action over words. It makes sense that I would contradict myself in words I suppose, especially after admitting and recognizing I am indeed a contradiction. Why are people then unable to just take my actions as a deeper signifier of truth or what I think? I am the pinnacle of what it means to be an empty shell with regards to "feelings." I remember as a kid not being terribly attached to people, but was terribly attached to my stuffed animals and blankets and such. There was a point in history where I did love my mom and actually worried for and cared about her. I guess I would have to say she'd be the first on my list of people I forced myself to break any emotional connection from. Then of course came "dream girl". I get to get all love minded and dramatic only to force myself to stop. Not necessarily stop caring, but absolutely douse whatever flame kept me awake at night and made her the only thing I could think about. I was pretty close to my grandma, then she went and had a stroke and is now brain dead. I suppose you could add her to the list of people I have to stop feeling/thinking about in terms of compelling love. She was the only one that I think really was able to convey more than the simple word. Your parents are almost trained to say it, and less we forget, are legally obligated to take care of you. My mom could then go on some spiel or invoke "motherly love," and then, I guess, not think twice about doing things that would seem to contradict it. I think I've been forced to develop either a kill switch or concrete buffer that keeps me from mentally fucking myself over people I used to care so much about. This is why I regard my actions as so important. They will tell people what they need to know. And, if on the off chance I come across people who actually understand anything about themselves and life, neither my tendency to manipulate nor my tenacity would be able to hurt them. I won't have to worry that by being me, I hurt people I care about. People simply don't understand this.

My dad would be an interesting case to look at. I would say I love my dad. He's always taken care of me and conveyed in it more ways then just saying it or creating a "take it for granted" vibe. Because I love my dad and try in greater measure than for others to regard his feelings, I allow myself to be inhibited towards things that I may not otherwise really give a shit about. This would seem in contradiction to my view that you should just "do you" no matter what other people think, and if it makes you happy without being overtly destructive then whatever. The kind of happiness or pride I get from dignifying my dad over someone else is simply what I choose to override my other "rule" that lies in contradiction. Is the system perfect, of course not, and I've fucked up plenty of times to hurt what I think about my dad and I's relationship. But, my honest tries to, my significant actions, are what keep me feeling justified or good about myself. I'm about getting to whatever point I can with someone, and sharing that level of relationship. I don't get hung up on what could have been or what I know could've been manipulated from something. I want every ounce of real, and am apparently willing to risk "disaster" for it. I want what's there, and won't fool myself about what's not.

This isn't the most reassuring message. I'm not sure if it's healthy for me to think and feel this way. I don't really know what this will mean for me years down the road. All I can really be sure of is that I'll never know when to shut up, and I won't stop looking for honesty and understanding. There was definitely part of me that liked to want, need, yearn, and love, and I know I could choose to behave like that again, but I don't think I can see the point any longer. I don't see what good it is to induce things in yourself that don't translate into anything more than tweaked brain chemistry. I don't have to be "lit up" to recognize the type of people that matter and what I want to be around. I will show those people just what they mean to me. It's too easy to be misunderstood with words, or induce your own meaning between what someone's told you. I don't really know what to tell those people who can't feel like this is good enough. It's the most honest I can be, and the best way I've come across to really understanding anything. I'd be better off not knowing how to illicit certain responses from others.

I don't like playing pretend, but I recognize when that seems to be the "only" option.

1 comment

David M.L. Jaffe wroteat 10:24am on October 15th, 2008 Weak emotions IMO. I have them as well. It's extremely hard for me to care about almost anything. My suggestion is go into Criminal Justice and help with child pornography computer forensics. You get to see some of the most disgusting pictures made, analyze them, and determine who did what. Anyone with strong, prevalent emotions ends up getting therapy after 10 or so years. Anyone who can look at that shit without feeling anything is basically set for life.

[139] Bang Bang Shoot Em Up

Sunday, October 12, 2008 at 12:33am

People are pathetic. I say it openly, loudly, and freely as often as I can. Anyone want to venture a guess as to why I say it? People lie to themselves and everyone around them as often as they can in order to maintain some, if not any, semblance of order or status quo. I refuse to let people lie to themselves, and they hate me for it. But let us be clear, I do not feel that me simply pointing out what's already there somehow makes me a "dick." Sure, people don't want to be reminded of their problems or told everything about them that's wrong, but here's a hint, if those things don't matter or don't make you sad, then obviously I'm incorrect and there's nothing left to say. Take the other side of the coin then and ask yourself why my words do affect you if your so quick to say "ya I'm happy" and "that doesn't matter" to my criticism.

There are so many things to say about what matters and what makes you happy. Something matters when you make it matter. A chair is a chair until you deem it your favorite chair, if you want a simple example. If you see drinking and smoking as your "happy facilitators" then your biased and predisposed to finding all justifications for engaging in them. This is where the red flashing light goes off under the word pathetic. I saw a monkey in my psyche class who was "raised" by a wire mother, but would jump to a cloth mother signifying the importance of touch to the security and well-being of animals. I see people as that little monkey being raised by a wired mother, but unfortunately their smart enough to know it. So what do they do? They dress it up, they talk to it, and they get all their friends to remind them just how real and loving it truly is. I find that at this point my method, which takes a steamroller to the wire mother, is all too appropriate and necessary.

I was told to fix my problems before I went around pointing out all the flaws of other people. To this I responded "what are my problems." You see, I'm all for objective truths or evidence behind any assertions against me. What I got back was a stomp on the foot and a shot to the chest lol. O, and less I forget part of the reason for starting the blog, exploring the accusation that I'm a "dick." If I would try to make a list of my problems, the only one that would even be marginally significant is that I'm lazy and dismayed with big dreams. Consequently, I am trying at least to work on this, hopefully with the help and input of people I care about and respect. Okay okay, so you probably know there aren't so many of those and think I'm destined to fail lol, but no, it happens. Perhaps unfortunately for these people is that I demand a certain level of honesty about oneself in order venture down any further road of trust or enterprise. Call this an "ultimate game" of mine if you will.

I think part of the reason I seem rather stagnant is that I'm happy, but not complacent. As a person, what I'm about, the things that make me laugh, the people I actively try to hang with, the things I have, the support systems; all of that makes me happy. It is important to note that while I'm happy in those terms, I'm certainly well aware of and pissed off about many many other things. I am not complacent nor comfortable with the idea that things can't get better or that "some things just are." Unfortunately this does not mesh with other philosophies that so badly just want for things to be "happy" and "stable," despite whether it means lying or looking past the real issues.

In order to refrain from referring to myself as pathetic I feel it is my task to make you cry if you need to cry and endlessly question and doubt everything you tell me if I don't buy into your version of a "happy" existence. This is significantly much more the case when it comes to people I may feel compelled to invest in either emotionally or financially. Bottom line, I want my life to be about fun and the pursuit of something more than stuffy house parties and video games. If you can't handle that or don't agree with some aspect of my method, give me real reasons to change and surprise, I just might. I'm not just some emotionless void that wanders about looking for things to bitch at. Maybe I come off that way because my emotions don't last longer than they have to, for example, anger and the need to ridicule when I walk past of group of indistinguishable drunken partiers. This does not reflect my overall "lack of happiness" or "dick" nature though.

At the end of the day, I understand that it feels good to be an influence in someone else's life. I like the feeling of being the guy who started the event or conversation that changed an opinion or provided an opportunity. I will not compromise this goal by catering to just anybody. I can't have people spear heading something of this nature who don't know what it is, or even care what it is, to be happy.

3 comments

Billy Bowman (Bloomington, IN) wroteat 6:50pm on October 12th, 2008 About time you wrote something worth reading.. so many of my friends lately have been posting crap.... sigh.. anywho I'd almost agree with you when you say people are pathetic, though, I honestly think there's a better word to describe how i feel about them. Stupid perhaps.. unaware? ah.. it's not the point.. I feel much better when people around me are happy, even when i despise what it is they are happy about. I've tried many times to show people a different point of view, to get them to stop lieing to themselves and be who they are, but it's completely hopeless, especially if you go about it by making it feel like an insult to them. I have on several occasions had people at least stop lieing to me for the moment, and open up and show me who the really are, and explain why the do what they do. They revert back instantly, and don't see reason when i explain they shouldn't put up such as facade, but it's more progress then making them cry. Honestly Nick, you ARE a dick. I could of swore you've admitted as much, but i don't care to look for examples. However, if like you said, you realize this and it doesn't matter, or doesn't make you sad, then it's not really a problem to you. I understand your want for something more then house parties and video games, but for some people, that is enough to fool themselves into being happy. Criticism won't change that, it will only make them and those sympathetic to them upset and hostile. While I'm sure it won't happen, because I'm sure you've tried it in the past with about the same result as I have, try convincing people through reasoning with them, and being understanding. Report - Delete

David Dyer wroteat 9:35am on October 13th, 2008 What!? video games don't make me happy? fuck... Report - Delete

Nick P. wroteat 3:01pm on October 13th, 2008 lol no DAVE video games make you very happy.