I hate being confused. My motivation is
to find the steady state of mind. I probably hate people so much
because they are so quick and apt at fucking with that. Or better
said, my dumb-ass self allows them to do such. That's why it is easy
to disregard them and forget. Once that's accomplished, the mind
finds its way back to the path. There must be a reason that I would
actively engage in activities which clog my otherwise mental
effluence. There's always those opportunities to learn and grow
right? You can't get anywhere if you remain complacent and happy. I
feel this would make more sense if I felt either complacent or happy.
I always just am with spurts that are happy and spurts that aren't.
Perhaps it's exciting to feel vulnerable? When you put yourself out
on a limb it's the ultimate chance to sink or swim. Any time one can
“overcome” said situation, ego boost. A mere and meager ego
boost? I like the idea more that it is a dramatic and exciting
profession of who you really are and what your capable of. What then,
when that ephemeral ego oversteps itself? A level of improvidence so
great that you immediately regret your decision. Such times leave
those dangerously indelible impressions, and prompt learned
behaviors, that “act up” in lieu of more appropriate responses.
When you've reached a “flow” to
your life, what law of nature dictates that any attempt at making
that flow more understood or improved, must result in the slow
alienation of what seemed fundamental in establishing it in the first
place? Why use a leaf blower to clean the dust off a house of cards
in order to create a “more perfect” house. The house is more like
a cheerleader pyramid. We're all wobbling and stuck between everyone
else, but the second you start to speculate on reasons your third
from the left in the bottom row, your arm gives out and down goes
that section. What significance is the “why” if this is the
picture? All it appears to have done is make a crash. Of course
there's always the other side of the coin. What would happen if the
why were never conceived? What lesson can be learned only after the
tower has fallen? How much stronger can you make the house, or
pyramid, when its comprised of people who are ready to fall, but able
to remain salient?
I think this helps elaborate on why I
fuck with good things. I want them even better. I think I'm more
disappointed when things don't turn out better, than I ever could be
at the players involved or my initial act of toying with the knobs. I
get egregiously off track when I attempt to propitiate the feelings
of those who can't rise above the initial dissatisfaction of the
changing atmosphere. When a tacit understanding exists about the
superficial actions, for the sake of formality or innocuous
“testing,” all fears and worries are want for justification. I'm
pining for knowledge and opportunities which more frequently are
coming in the form of people.
There's no better place to learn about
someone than from them. Too “duh” of a notion? Think of it like
this. I've been talking a lot recently about developing
relationships(tacit quotes) with people. I'll find myself struggling
and thinking about them uncontrollably. This I assure is not because
of their charm or spell that's high-jacked my psyche. I'm just dying
to know more, to question more, and to push things as far as they'll
go. Mr. Bowman said something to the effect last night like, “it
just wouldn't be Nick if he didn't go past the envelope.” This
isn't just a rule for my “shock comments.” One of my problems is
how I come across when I'm trying subdue my mind by prodding for
answers. Nor am I always well received when I verbally assail a
situation before really knowing all the players. I also fail when it
comes to depicting how I “feel” with regard to new information.
Well, something to work on right?
In the end it all comes down to honesty
for me. I honestly care so little about a few, or perhaps many,
awkward moments, and the range of scornful looks to outright hatred
of things I do in my “story of how I came to know you.” I'm
always asking myself what's the point, and why I even bother, and
apparently some part of me realizes that to some extent, it's always
worth it. If you don't have the capacity or care to travel with me
for your own sake, I can't care about leaving you where you are for
mine.
